-Part 18-
"All Souls"
December 23
In a small, private room, Robin lays in her bed and stares at the ceiling through the mosquito net, unable to sleep. She dwells on everything that's happened to her here in the Congo and keeps asking herself one question: Why?
Why didn't the Mai Mai kill her? When Makame had the pistol pointed at her forehead, why did he not pull the trigger? Why didn't the rebels let her die, instead of bringing her back days later?
She doesn't have answers––only multitudes of questions; debating with herself inside her mind as she rests silently in the darkness. The rebels could've taken pity on her, but she doesn't think that's the case. Another thought comes to mind: they could've wanted her to try and help the wounded or any man who might have become ill. She has heard of rebel groups abducting doctors for this reason, but she's still not convinced that that's why they didn't kill her.
A thought comes to her and Robin suddenly realizes what day it is. She sits up, gets out from underneath the mosquito net, and stands. After stretching her arms a little, she pulls out a pair of pants from her duffle bag and makes her way across the hall to the tiny bathroom.
Now dressed, Robin stands beside her bed and puts her hairbrush into her bag.
As she zips it up, Dajan stops at her doorway, wondering why her light is on at three in the morning. "Hey, what are you doing?" he asks in a concerned tone––surprised to see her up and moving about.
Robin turns with her hands on her hips and grins at him. She stays silent for a moment as she thinks of what to say; then, smiles and shrugs, "I'm goin' home."
Dajan looks shocked, "You cannot go home yet, you need more rest."
"I've rested enough, okay?" she says. "I wanna be home for Christmas."
Sighing in frustration, Dajan finally caves and asks her quietly, "Do you want me to call the airport?"
"Would you?" she questions reluctantly, hating to ask him for a favor.
He grins, "Sure... What time would you like to leave?"
Robin studies her watch for a second and tells him, "Uhh...maybe around dawn or so."
"Okay, I'll see what I can do," he says as he walks out of the doorway and down the hall.
Standing in the admit area, debating with himself about whether or not to call the airport in Kinshasa, Dajan's eyes are full of concern––second-guessing her decision to leave so soon after her return, but he knows that she won't change her mind; she's far too stubborn when it comes to her friends back home.
With a sigh, he picks up the receiver and starts to dial the number.
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With dark eyes, Robin stares out the window and studies the trees nearby––still wet with rain. She feels strangely at peace, but something is still not right: a part of her is still missing. Before she can think about it too much, a voice sounds from behind her.
"Dr. Shepherd."
She turns to see Dajan standing just inside the door.
"I've arranged a flight for us at seven this morning," he tells her, "and once we land in Kinshasa, there will be a flight to take you to London."
Robin stays silent and grins; then, says in a low tone, "Thank you."
"No problem," he says. A moment goes by quietly, and he asks her, "Do you need any supplies: insulin, syringes?"
She answers, "No, I brought an extra supply of everything in that bag if something happened to the other, so...I'm good to go."
Dajan nods, and then, moves to the doorway. He stops and tells her, "We leave in three-and-a-half hours," and walks out of the room.
Robin watches him disappear, and a sudden, intense rush of nervous agitation seeps into every muscle in her body. She starts ambling around the room in a large circle, slightly limping again because of the brutal ordeal she has sustained. Then, she sits on the bed and stares at the dirty cement floor––tapping her fingers together and wishing that she could leave now.
But, in a strange way, Robin doesn't want to go. Life in the Congo is simpler in a way. Patients back home gripe and complain about having to wait to be seen, but the people here are extraordinarily patient––she hasn't heard a negative word out of any one. The villagers and refugees stay and wait for hours and hours upon end; most of the time, even days without complaint. They are remarkably quiet–– the adults anyway––and generous; they would do anything to help anyone in need.
Respect pours from Robin's heart to them, and she admires their strength and wisdom. The people that she has been in contact with here in Kisangani are majestic in her eyes, and they have taught her so much––without even knowing it.
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Two hours later
A deathly man rests in a dimly lit room––his wife sitting on a stool next to his bed, holding his tired hand. AIDS is ravaging his weak body and he fights to stay alive––hour by hour, minute by minute. A high fever, dehydration, and abdominal pain from a gastrointestinal infection plague the man constantly; and according to his wife, his weight loss has been dramatic. He was once a healthy, muscular man who could do so much; now he has wasted away in a matter of months and is unable to walk now, let alone pick up his own daughter––who sleeps in her distraught mother's arms and is too young to understand what is happening around her.
The man's eyes are wide and staring up at the ceiling; his cheeks are sunken in, making the profile of his chin and cheek bones more noticeable; and you can clearly see his ribs protruding. All that is left is skin and bones.
Suddenly, his eyes move as he spots someone standing in the doorway; his wife blankly looks over to the door, also.
Robin stands quietly and smiles when they see her. "Hello," she says in a low tone.
The man's wife smiles and softly greets her, "Dr. Shepherd...we heard they brought you back to us. How are you feeling?"
She wonders for a moment as she takes a few steps toward the foot of the bed. "Uhh...yeah, not good! Not good," she says and chuckles. Then, the room goes quiet and she looks concerned, "What about you? How are you feelin', Matuko?"
The woman's grin begins to disappear, and she looks up at Robin with sad eyes. "Not good."
Robin nods and knows what Matuko must be going through, seeing her husband wither away. She moves over to the other side of the bed, across from Matuko, and pulls up an old wooden chair to sit down on. "How are you, Dingane?" she asks, watching his head turn toward her slowly.
"Life is hard, and I am ready for it to end," he tells her in his weak African accent.
The corners of Robin's mouth curl into a slight grin, "Don't say that."
"I have realized that I do not have much time left on this earth," Dingane explains. "My life has been good––unlike most of the people here: I had two loving parents, a good education, great friends..." he pauses to slowly look over at his wife and child, "a wonderful wife and daughter..." Returning his gaze to Robin, he continues, "I have been blessed...this illness is just another chapter of my life and it has made me appreciate my whole world and all of the people in it... I am not afraid to die... Neither should you be when your time comes––when you are much older than I am––do not be afraid. Remember that you have done so much good with your life and your gift––people are fortunate to have you in their lives. You mean more to the people close to you than you give yourself credit for..." He pauses. "Dr. Carter spoke of you all the time."
Robin looks down at her hands and lets out a dry laugh.
After a moment, Dingane continues. "Keep your friends and family close to your heart and do not let them slip away."
She nods and grins, "I won't... Thank you."
"Thank you," he says, and he reaches out for her hand. She slowly takes it.
Dingane whispers again, "Thank you."
With a warm smile, she whispers back, "You're welcome." She smiles at Matuko and their sleeping daughter, and then lets go of his hand. After sitting with them in silence for a moment, Robin stands and slowly moves to the doorway––turning back to look at them one more time.
"Goodbye, Dr. Shepherd," Dingane says in a low voice.
Robin grins, "...Bye," and, after taking another second or two, she vanishes down the hall.
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An hour and a half later
Sitting on her bed, deep in thought, Robin slowly drinks a Diet Coke from a glass bottle; she stares at the wall across from her. A nervous energy has been coursing through her veins and her mind moves so fast that she can barely concentrate on anything; she closes her eyes and sighs heavily, trying to relax, but it's no use––her mind continues to race. Suddenly, she remembers something and unzips her duffle bag; she reaches inside and digs around for a moment. She pulls out the pair of pants she had been wearing during her ordeal in the jungle—the same ones splattered with dry, rust-colored blood—and looks in one of the back pockets. There she finds the one thing that has kept her going this whole time: the photo of the ER staff that she had taken out of the frame sitting on her entertainment center in her apartment back home. She had grabbed it right before she went out the door without thinking; something made her take that picture with her. The photograph captures the extraordinary innocence of a different time and world, but it was a time and a world in which she and everyone else looked very comfortable. There are no foreboding shadows, no pensive or melancholic faces, no questions of internal darkness or instability. She has needed them by her side—and in a way, they all have been. This thought comforts her and she closes her tired eyes once more with a grin.
"Dr. Shepherd."
Robin looks up and sees Dajan standing in the doorway. "Yeah?"
"It's time to go," he tells her and disappears.
She sits for a little while longer, then, leans her head back. Pushing herself up, she grabs her duffle bag and puts the strap around her shoulders; then, turns off the light and walks out.
On her way down the hall, she passes a familiar room and looks in as she walks past. She stops, turns, and comes back to the doorway.
Matuko, Dingane's wife, has turned away from the door, and she quietly cries as she holds her daughter. Robin watches with concern, and then, realizes Dingane is no longer breathing––he is dead. His own suffering and pain is over, but not for his family; they must carry on without him.
A voice suddenly gets Robin's attention, "Dr. Shepherd, we have to go."
She glances down the hall and back at Matuko once more, and she slowly starts to amble away.
Outside, Dajan waits patiently for Robin beside to Range Rover.
She emerges from the building and looks up at the sky––painted a beautiful, soft red with the coming of the sun. throwing her bag in the back of the vehicle with a sigh, Robin turns to take one last look at the delapidated hospital and its patients––most of which watch her and wave goodbye with warm grins. She feels strangely at home here in Kisangani, but knows that she cannot stay and waves back to them.
Dajan shuts the back hatch, and they both walk over, open their doors, and climb into their seats. As the man driving the vehicle turns on the engine and begins to drive away, Dajan pulls out a bracelet from his shirt pocket. "This is for you."
Robin grins and marvels at it, "Oh, wow..."
"Amali made it for you the night they brought you back," he tells her––talking of a teenage girl whom Robin had befriended in her first days at the hospital. Amali was stricken with AIDS, also, but could function fairly well.
She stares at the bracelet and smiles; then, she asks Dajan, "What's this mean?"
He sees her pointing to the wooden beads with letters carved into them and answers, "'Njoki': it means 'she who returned (from the dead)'."
Robin is struck by the meaning of the name and seems surprised. "Well...when you get back, tell her I said 'thank you'."
Dajan says nothing.
She looks over at him and is worried by his expression; then, he tells her, "Amali passed away a few hours after we brought you in; she just took a nap and never woke up."
Her face is expressionless and she looks back at her gift. After a moment, she sighs and a hint of a sympathetic grin appears; then, she puts the bracelet on and adjusts it to fit her small wrist. She admires it a little while longer, looks out the window, and sighs once more––watching the trees go by and the sun begin to rise over the hills, as dawn turns into morning. As she takes in the vastness that surrounds her—a gigantic silent world where the future has come and gone—she feels whole and complete for the first time in this tranquillity and beauty. The air is fresh, and the sunlight has a prism-like clarity. A reflection from the sun hits her eyes as the light recedes on the mountains—covered in a clinging damp mist—in long golden shafts. She turns slightly away from the rays as a single tear runs down her face. The chaotic visual impact of this country, this continent, will never leave her. This is the end of Africa.
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We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full.
Marcel Proust
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-Part 19-
"Redux"
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The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it.
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Robin kneels in the dirt at the rebels' camp with her hands behind her head, staring down the barrel of the pistol Makame is pressing against her forehead.
She sits in her dark cabin. Sunlight shines through the gaps of the boards––the rays seem almost heavenly.
Laying outside in the blinding sunlight, Robin watches helplessly as Makame shoots the rebel, who had been kicking her, in the head; his body crumples down to the ground next to her and stares into her eyes.
The second group of rebels has arrived, and Ojore orders them to open fire upon Makame and his men. Blood flies and their bodies hit the dirt. She can hear the voice of the rebel who spoke to her: "You saw nothing."
Robin's closed eyes suddenly open and she breathes heavily, squirming in her seat. She had just closed her tired eyes to relax for a moment while she listened to music; then, without warning, the flashbacks began––bright flashes of light, sounds, and images played like a horror movie against her eyelids. Her face is ashen and colorless, with no expression; her hands tremble violently, and her eyes dart around nervously––hoping no one is watching her.
She takes her headphones off quickly and leans her head against the seat's headrest, shutting her eyes, trying to calm herself. She sits this way for a moment or two, and then, suddenly shoots up from her seat; a few people glance up at her as she quickly moves to the restroom.
Shutting the door, almost in a state of panic, Robin locks it and turns to the sink beside her. Turning on the faucet, she puts her hands under the icy water and splashes it on her face. She does this several times, keeping her head bowed over the sink and watching the water drip off her face and hit the porcelain. Her face becomes warm and her eyes feel the sting of her tears. Slowly, she raises her head up and is suddenly face-to-face with someone whom she hasn't seen in years––almost a stranger.
Herself.
The wounds on her face are a chilling reminder of what she's been through; everything she's witnessed. "Why am I still here?" she asks almost in a whisper. Then, she starts backing away from the sink until reaches the wall behind her. She rakes her fingers through her hair and slides down the wall toward the floor––holding herself up with her feet; she puts her head back for a moment, then, looks down and stares at the floor.
Her emotions overcome her and her face screams of desperation. "Why am I still here?" she asks again with a dry laugh as tears trail down her cheeks. Struggling to keep from breaking down, she tries to hold back––becoming angrier and angrier because it's so hard.
Then, as if a switch has been turned on in her mind, a sudden wave of comfort and serenity flows through her body, from head to toe, and she no longer feels any pain. Not knowing what to make of this, Robin pushes on her legs to stand, and she steps back up to the sink––turning on the water and splashing her face once again. As she turns the faucet off, she reaches for a cheap paper towel to dry her face with, tosses it in the small trash can, and then, catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror for a second time.
Something is different; something has changed now. Robin doesn't quite know what it is, but she feels it nonetheless. Before opening the door, she sighs loudly, and then, walks out.
Back in the empty rows of seats, Robin sits down next to the window and breathes a small sigh as she peers out over the French countryside––bound for London, and a new start. She's coming home.
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-Part 20-
"A Promise Kept"
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People make promises; heroes keep them.
------------------------------
(The introduction to "A Prayer for the Soul of Layla" by Jamshied Sharifi begins.)
December 25, 2:24 a.m.
Robin sits beside the window and peers out into the sea of lights and buildings that is the Windy City. A hopeful smile is on her face now––she feels peaceful; she's home again.
Inside the bustling O'Hare airport, Robin walks amongst the crowds of people. She seems familiar with everything again; admiring the large glass windows and the stone pillars.
She steps into the city lights and up to the curb, hailing a taxi as she pulls her long black coat tighter around her. A cab pulls up next to her and she gets inside.
(The second part of the song begins.)
"Alright, where to?" asks the young driver in a very cheery voice.
"Uhh...," Robin hesitates, "the corner of Ashland and 63rd."
The cabbie nods and pulls away from the curb. He asks her suddenly, "So, are you a priestess or a nun or somethin'?"
She answers with a grin, "Uh, no, actually. I'm a doctor. Why?"
"I saw the crosses around your neck, so I just figured..." he grins.
She smiles and nods her head. Something comes to her: that's why the Mai Mai didn't kill her. She remembers the rebels noticing something about her. It had to be the crosses around her neck; after they saw them, they started treating her differently and with more respect.
Suddenly, she looks up at the man and says, "Y'know what...let's go somewhere else."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," she says and looks out the window. She grins, "Let's go somewhere else."
(The third part of the song begins.)
The cab pulls up to the sidewalk outside and stops. "Here we are!" the young man says. "That'll be $27.50."
"Okay..." Robin says, counting out her money, "there ya go."
The man takes it and smiles, "Welcome back, and Merry Christmas!"
She smiles back, "Thank you, and Merry Christmas to you, too!" She opens the door and grabs her duffle bag as she gets out of the car. After she shuts the door, the car drives off, and Robin puts her bag over her shoulder. She glances up and down the sidewalk and feels more at home than ever before. She hears the El train overhead and looks up; then, she walks to the corner. She's at County; after the long ride home, she has finally made it.
(The final part of the song begins.)
Taking another look around, she grins as winds of change begin to swirl around her. Her pain is gone and she is finally at peace––ready for a new beginning. Robin, then, slowly starts her walk into the ambulance bay and snow begins to gently fall.
(The song ends as the doors slide open to the ER and Robin steps inside.)
Stepping out of the shadows and standing in the admit area, Robin searches the room with her eyes and recognizes some of the people who are waiting; she's probably treated a few of them. A grin appears on her face, taking in all the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital in which she's worked for the past eleven-and-a-half years––and the one place that she's missed terribly over the past two-and-a-half weeks. This place holds her like a womb. Sighing, she moves over across the room to the admit window––where an angry man argues with Sam over when he's going to be seen.
"C'mon, I've been sittin' here for an hour!" the guy says sternly.
Sam tells him in a harsh tone, "Sir, take your seat and calm down! We'll be with you as soon as we can!" She slides the glass over, and the man scoffs and stomps back to his seat.
Robin grins wider and looks up at the glass. She sees the piece of paper taped up to the opposite side of the window and tries to see if she can make out what it says. Searching for a name at the bottom, she can tell that someone's written the note; she realizes it's her letter.
Touched by this, she has to take a moment before she can say anything. Finally getting her composure, Robin clears her throat silently, leans in toward the hole cut in the glass, and speaks in a Canadian voice to throw Sam off. "Excuse me, miss. Did they ever find that missing doctor, or is she still M.I.A.?"
Sam's confused, and she asks the person as she stands up and slides the glass back over, "Wait, how'd you know about Rob––" and then, she stops. Her face has a blank expression and she goes numb, staring at the face of a ghost. "Oh, my God," Sam says in disbelief, seeing the return of a stranger.
"Hey," Robin tells her in a low tone; she laughs, "Merry Christmas." Her hero's welcome has begun.
Sam realizes that she's not just seeing things, "Oh, my God." She rushes over to the security doors and opens them, meeting Robin in the doorway. Before she can put down her luggage, Sam hugs her; and as tears come to her eyes, Sam says quietly, "I can't believe this."
After a moment, they let go and step out of the doorway. Before the doors close, the man who had been arguing with Sam shouts, "Hey! Why does she get to go in?"
"She's a doctor here," Sam yells back.
"Well, she can go to hell!"
Robin holds the doors open as the begin to slide shut and says to him, "Oh, I've been there, thank you! I found it quite lovely!" She wears a sarcastic grin and lets the doors close.
Sam shouts to everyone at the admit desk, "Hey, guys, look who's here."
Jerry, Neela, Pratt, and Elizabeth glance up to see the person they never thought they'd see again. As the four quickly make their way toward her, Elizabeth says, "Oh, my God," in her familiar English tone. The long wait to see her again is over.
Robin puts her duffle bag down as Jerry picks her up off the floor and squeezes her––looking like a huge grizzly bear hugging a Raggedy Anne doll. "God, Jerry, you're killin' me!" she laughs.
He sets her down and smiles, "I'm sorry!"
"Aw, don't worry about it," she reassures him.
Neela steps up to her and hugs her.
"Hey, how are you?" Robin asks with a warm smile on her face.
"Well, I'm shocked right now," she tells her; and as they let go, she adds, "I still can't believe you're here!"
"You're tellin' me, I almost bought the big enchilada," she laughs. Looking over at Elizabeth, Robin can see that she's anxious to say hello, and so she smiles and motions to her.
As they hug each other, Elizabeth sighs and tells her, "We've missed you."
She grins, "I missed you, too."
They let go, and she turns to Pratt, who smiles and asks in a deep silken voice, "Hey, how's my girl doin'?" and kisses her on the cheek—which she returns to him.
"It's hard to say," she answers as she puts her arms around his shoulders. After a moment, she steps back; then, she sighs loudly, "Y'know what...aside from the fact that I was beat-up a little––mentally, I haven't felt this good in a long time. I mean, it'll take some time to get over everything that happened while I was there––if that isn't hell, I don't know what is––but it was all worth it..." She pauses. "I'm home to stay."
"We're glad to know that you're feeling better," Elizabeth says; everyone nods in agreement with her.
Sam adds, "Yeah, it's great to have you back."
"Thank you," Robin smiles and looks at her feet. She suddenly looks around and notices the patients, which are few and far between here in the wee morning hours of Christmas. "Hey, you guys have patients and stuff, don't let me keep you."
"Are you sure" Neela asks––not really wanting to leave.
"Yeah, go! I'll be fine," she says.
"Alright," Pratt tells her as he starts to go down the hall, "but you tell us everything that happened there, okay?"
"You got it," she grins—not exactly wanting to tell them all about the horrible things she's seen that are disturbing beyond description—and watches them go back to work. As they all disappear, Robin stands silently with her luggage still at her feet. Her exhaustion is almost too much for her to bear, but she doesn't want to leave. "Hey, Jerry," she asks, "who else is on tonight?"
He tries to think, and answers, "Uhh, Susan went up to CT, and Abby's sick in Exam 3."
"Sick? What's wrong with her?"
"Really bad cold," he says. "She took a shift, but we told her to take it easy since it's so slow, so she's been zonked out on cold medicine for about..." he glances at his watch, "four hours!"
Robin giggles and nods her head. She picks up her bag and asks, "Could ya watch this for me?"
He nods, "Sure thing!" and she moves over behind the desk and drops it.
Walking toward the trauma rooms, she turns around and adds, "Oh, and when Susan comes back down, don't tell her I'm here––I wanna surprise her!"
"You got it, Dr. S."
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I offer you peace
I offer you love
I offer you friendship
I hear you cry
I see your beauty
I feel your pain
Prayer
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The door to Exam 3 slowly opens and Robin quietly steps in, trying to stay light on her feet and making sure the door doesn't make any noise as it closes behind her. She turns her back to the door and her gaze falls on the fragile form of Abby––seeing her resting peacefully on the gurney in front of her. A grin appears on her face; then, she spots a stool, slowly rolls it over to the bedside and sits down.
Robin's eyes become even more used to the darkness; the soft light tries to make its way through the window in the door, but is made dim by the grayish-blue blinds shielding it. She looks over at Abby and silently laughs to herself, seeing a tissue in one of her hands and several more scattered and wadded up near the pillow. Robin focuses on her own hands—her smile shrinking smaller.
Even though she appears to be sound asleep, Abby's antihistamine medication is finally beginning to wear off, and she slowly comes out of her peaceful slumber. She heard the footsteps just a moment ago, and she can sense someone in the room; a familiar warmth rests beside her. She wants to see who's watching over her, but she can't seem to open her eyes.
Staring at the wheels of the bed, Robin's lack of sleep is taking over, and she gets weaker by the second; still, she keeps her quiet vigil. Thoughts stream through her mind, but one sticks out more than the rest: being removed from the stir of society and yearning to be with the ones she loves more than anything. That's how she felt even before she got the call from Carter; since her attack back in October, Robin had gradually started to shut everyone out––she didn't let anyone in anymore. The chaos in her lost and broken mind began to mirror the chaos in her life. She's struggled to find her faith—which she's found, once again. It seemed that every other month drew her down into another version of a disturbing purgatory. She found it to be seductively complicated. She was sucked into seductive and disastrous lows. Slowly, the darkness began to weave its way into her mind, and before long she was hopelessly out of control. She could not follow her own thoughts. Sentences flew around in her head and fragmented first into phrases and then words; finally, only sounds remained. The acceleration from the blues to near-madness was a slow and beautifully seductive one. These fiery, black, unpredictable moods had made her impatient with life as it was and made her restless for more—which is why she went on this dangerous journey, in order to heal and bind up the massive long-standing wounds. Her grim despair has been a fascinating, albeit deadly, enemy and companion, and it has nearly cost her her life. But now, like a phoenix from the ashes, she has come back to life stronger than ever and ready to move on. This baptism has given both her mind and heart the chance to slowly put back together most of that which has been ripped apart. One comes out of an experience such as this with a more surrounding sense of death, and of life. She had forgotten what it was like to be that open to wind and rain and beauty, and she can feel life seeping back into crevices of her body and mind that she had completely written off as dead of dormant. It's given her back herself again, given her back her high hopes of life. And it's given her back her belief in love. She's found a renewed belief in life, and it has become worth not losing. For the first time in almost nine months, she feels that this "shattered mind" of hers has mended. Not completely, but significantly. Still she is unquestionably raw and unhealed inside. Many scars remain and she knows that under some conditions she will regress suddenly and dramatically. But also, she is confident, for the time being.
Abby stirs suddenly, and Robin looks over at her––a grin crossing her face as anticipation runs through her, being able to talk to her best friend once more after such a trying experience. Not bothering to open her eyes, Abby's still half asleep as she mumbles in a gravelly tone, "Who's there?"
Robin answers sincerely, "A friend."
It takes Abby a few moments to respond. She asks blankly, "Who?"
She grins and whispers, "It's Robin."
Abby doesn't move––her mind isn't able to register who it is exactly. "Oh...okay," she says.
Laughing silently to herself, Robin smiles and whispers, "Okay." After a moment of affectionate silence drowning everything else, she decides to leave and let Abby rest; she stands slowly–– rolling the chair back to where she found it.
As she steps over to the door and puts her hand on the door handle, a low, raspy voice speaks up, "Wait... Rob?"
Robin turns to see Abby pushing herself up and sitting on the edge of the bed, wiping her eyes.
Abby squints as she looks at the silhouette near the door––her eyes slowly beginning to focus. She wonders if she's dreaming or if her tired mind is making her see the illusion of her missing friend. As she sees Robin turn fully around and realizes that this isn't a dream or a figment of her imagination, Abby's eyes begin heating up with emotion as she takes her in from head to toe. She sees her fresh makeup-less face, trusting, caring; her color has grown vivid; the deadly gauntness is gone from her face. She's come back, just as she promised. Abby whispers, "Oh, my God," and puts a hand over her mouth in disbelief. Finding her here––the person who's been on her mind all this time––is almost too much for her.
Robin wears a warm grin. "Hi," she says in a soft-spoken voice.
"Hi," she responds, uncertain of what to say; she drops her hand. "We thought you were missing," she says with sad eyes.
Thinking of her own baptism of fire and looking at the floor for a second, Robin tells her, "I was...until about three or four days ago."
"Why didn't anyone call us and tell us?" she asks––her emotions starting to take hold. Her voice is quiet, but with a strong edge.
Robin's grin returns, "Because I told 'em not to... I wanted to surprise you guys."
Abby lets out a laugh and looks down as she wipes a tear away from her face, "Ya sure did a hell of a good job." As Robin laughs, Abby pulls out her letter from her pocket. "The day you sent this...we didn't know that that was gonna be the last time we heard from you... We made a copy of it and hung it up."
"Yeah, I saw that when I came in," she tells her, smiling.
After a moment, Abby continues, "I've carried this with me this whole time...and I never got tired of reading it... I read it so much, I'm surprised it hasn't started falling apart yet." She pauses, "Everyone's been reading it...just before I came in here, I saw Susan looking at it."
As Abby takes a moment to gather her thoughts, Robin looks down and closes her eyes as she says softly––almost whispering, "I'm sorry."
She looks at her, confused, "For what?"
"For everything," she confesses. "For...dragging you and everybody else down with me; for making you worry... And I'm also sorry that everybody else isn't here to hear this," she glances at the door, then, back at Abby.
"It's okay," she tells her with a small grin, "...we're just glad you're alright." She puts her feet on the floor and stands. "You are okay...aren't you?" she asks sympathetically, searching Robin's warm, inviting eyes.
"Well...aside from the fact that I never thought I'd see another day, and the fact that I'm all scraped and bruised up," Robin tells her, and angelic smile stretching across her face—flashing something livelier than a ghost of an old grin—as she continues, "...I'm, uh...I'm good... Yeah, I'm-I'm good." She drops her gaze, letting out a sigh of relief.
(The music from season 4's "Family Practice" begins to play softly.)
The room is shrouded in silence, and Abby is now confident that Robin is finally at peace with herself and wants to move on––away from the chaos of the past few months and back to the way she used to be. Her happiness and respect for her is too overwhelming, and her watery eyes glisten in the soft light from the window. She studies Robin's battered face—bearing the marks of cuts from her captors. Everything she's witnessed is captured and imprisoned in the dark depths of her eyes. She can tell that her previous fatigue and depression seems to be lifting, letting the person she's always known shine through again. Her eyes flicker, taking in the change. She hasn't seen a genuine smile grace her lips in some while. Abby smiles through her tears, "I haven't seen you smile like that in a long time."
Robin chuckles and looks up to see Abby sobbing quietly. "Hey, it's okay," she whispers and steps toward her.
Abby manages a grin as she wipes away a tear, and then, stepping up to meet her, reaches out and pulls her in for a hug––slowly wrapping her arms around her waist and placing her hands on her back. She wants to sink into her and sleep—which she's just about ready to do because of the cold medicine. She fights her tears and says finally, "We thought we lost you."
"I know, I know," Robin whispers, as Abby lets out stifled sobs.
"To think that you were out there somewhere, where they couldn't find you...it was a nightmare... That was a brave thing you did...going there."
Robin says with a grin, "It was stupid, what I did."
Abby shakes her head, "No...you made a difference in people's lives over there... You change lives here, too." She starts to sob again as she tells her, "You are the strongest person I know with...the bravest heart. I don't know what I'd do without you."
Cradling her friend in her arms, Robin's voice is a soothing whisper, "Hey, hey...shhhhh." She pauses. "I know, I know..." She shushes her again and drags it out for a few seconds as Abby grows quiet––turning her head in toward Robin's and resting her eyes.
Robin rests her cheek against Abby's forehead.
"You look tired... You should go home and get some sleep," Abby says.
Robin smiles and murmurs, "I've got time."
The peaceful silence continues and engulfs the entire room as the two friends stand in the shadows, in one another's protective hold—arms tightly around one another, holding the world at bay, giving each other comfort and safety. Abby sighs gently, and after a moment, she whispers lightly, "I'm so glad you're home,"––holding on to her like there's no where else she'd rather be.
Robin grins and offers the comforting words, "It's gonna be alright... Everything's gonna be alright." She listens to Abby's quiet breathing: soothing, rhythmic, and deep.
Remembering the wish she made on the night the staff learned that Robin was still missing, Abby thinks to herself, "Thank you,"—thanking God, or whatever force it was that brought her best friend back home: her angel.
Then, as if she knew about her wish, Robin barely whispers the healing words: "Merry Christmas, Abby."
(The song ends.)
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To look upon these eyes of wonder and awe,
we come wholly into life's mystery.
To allow this mystery to penetrate our lives,
is to live wrapped in an angel's embrace.
Jonathan Flaum
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-Part 21-
"Stand"
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Courage is not defined by who fought and did not fall, but by who fought, fell, and rose again.
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Later that night
The ER staff has gathered, down the street from County, at Ike's for the annual staff Christmas party. Music from the jukebox fills the air—some people are dancing; some are just standing around talking; some play pool or darts. It's almost time for Haleh to come on the stage to treat the staff to some Christmas tunes—as she does every year. This year, though, will be extra special, for the reason only a few of the staffers know about.
The music dies down, and Haleh finally steps up onto the small stage, with everyone clapping for her. She smiles as she talks into the microphone, "Thank you... Alright, everybody...before we begin, there's a big surprise for most of you—a few of you already know what's goin' on... So, ladies and gentlemen...let's give a warm welcome to someone who we all know and love... C'mon out, girl!"
The door to the women's bathroom opens, and Robin steps out shyly.
Gasps can be heard in the crowd, and everyone gives her a warm round of applause; a few people give some loud whistles and cheer for her. Carter and Kem—sitting at the bar—stand up, in awe at the simple fact that she's home, and clap. Luka, standing with Sam—who knows about her return during the early morning hours—is speechless as he beams with tears in his eyes. Abby, Neela, and Elizabeth stand together—their eyes misted with tears of happiness. Everyone's so grateful that Robin has defied the odds to return home; they're so proud of her for going on this deadly journey to try and find herself—they respect her more for it. They all watch her, making her way through the crowd—people patting her on the back and cheering her on.
Robin finally approaches the stage and steps up next to Haleh, giving her a hug before she moves back to let her speak. She stands proudly in front of her friends and colleagues, humbled by the reception she's getting. The clapping and cheering dies down as she gets ready to bear her soul to them. They share a hushed intimate silence. Suddenly, a surprising "WOO!" comes from Morris—happy to see her. It's surprising because Robin had a scuffle with him just two weeks before she left, beating him up in front of everyone.
"Thanks, Archie," she laughs into the mike. The giggles from the crowd disappear, she sees them all smiling sweet encouragement, and she speaks—softly and near-hypnotically:
"I wanna thank you all for that wonderful welcome... Uh, I had a hell of a time keepin' this a secret for seventeen hours! Thanks to the few of you who did know and kept it quiet! ...Uh...when I left a few weeks ago, I didn't know who I was...I lost myself somewhere along the way. I went to Africa with the hope that I would be there for a week, find happiness, and come home. There must be somethin' in the water over there, 'cause everyone comes home a changed person," she says, letting out a slight laugh—along with everyone else. After a moment, her grin slowly disappears, and she continues, "But things didn't go as planned... I ended up staying for almost three weeks in a place that was the closest thing to hell that I've ever experienced... I never thought I'd be here again... After I was abducted, at one point near the end, I gave up... I did a stupid thing... I told one of the rebels to do something for me... I ordered him to do it..." She can see that everyone knows what she's talking about. "But that stupid thing, I'm pretty sure...ended up saving my life... But it took just that to make me appreciate all that I have and everyone I love. The entire time I was in that jungle, I thought about all of you constantly. I carried a photo of all of us in my back pocket... When I was taken...you were with me...and that gave me strength... I knew I had to fight..." Robin begins to break as she stands nobly—honorably. Her eyes brim with tears and heat up as she continues on—her voice shaking. "I took everything and everyone for granted, but then, I realized what I have... I wanted to see you smile; I wanted to see you laugh; I wanted to see your faces one more time... It was those thoughts that kept me alive... You kept me alive... You've pulled me through day after impossibly hard day... Without you, I never would've survived... I know that I haven't been the easiest person to get along with lately...so, thank you for putting up with me... Thank you for stayin' by my side when I needed you...for believing in me when I couldn't do it myself...for makin' sure I was alright when I was in trouble... But most of all...for loving me as much as you do... I can't repay you for all that you've done for me... All I can do is love you back...and believe me when I say that...I do... I would move heaven and earth and sacrifice my life for every one of you... You remind me of who I am...and I'm sorry I hurt you... I have a second chance at life...and I know what I have now... I can't leave this..." She pauses. "J'y suis, et J'y reste... That means 'Here I am, and here I stay'..." She speaks the words more true than they've ever been. "I love you."
Robin wipes a tear away from her cheek and steps back.
The room erupts with applause once again—everyone's touched by her loving words; most of them have tears in their eyes. They're relieved: relieved to hear something that they know in their mind of minds to be true; she's back. Their granite belief that hers is a life worth living is one thing that has kept her alive. Everyone's love for each other has, inexplicably and savingly, provided not only cloak but lantern for the darker seasons and grimmer weather. They watch her: deeply tanned, somehow older, happier. She's the same and yet profoundly different. Her eyes shine—something no one ever thought they'd see again. In so many ways her sensitivity is beyond her years. Her storms have subsided.
No one stops as she walks back to the mike and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado...the lovely and talented, Mrs. Haleh Adams!" She lets out a small laugh through her tears as she says her name and hugs her. Robin walks off the stage, clapping and smiling as "O Holy Night" begins, into the crowd of friends around her. She hugs Kerry, Elizabeth, Neela, Susan, and Abby, one by one. She sees Luka and Sam and embraces them— surprised to see Luka crying. Then, she sees John and Kem—the last two people here who saw her alive before they left her in the Congo; she hugs Kem first, then she stands in front of Carter for a moment.
His eyes mist over with tears, and he starts to cry as he pulls her toward him in an embrace. "I'm sorry, Rob," he sobs.
She pulls away and looks at him, "Don't worry about it, okay? I don't blame you for anything... It was meant to happen this way...don't worry."
John has a tough time accepting this, but nods and smiles. After a moment, Carter glances up at Haleh on the stage, then, back at Robin. "May I have the first dance of the night?" he asks.
She beams at him, "You may," and laughs; she quickly looks over at Kem, "If that's alright with you."
Kem smiles, "Sure, go right ahead."
Robin and Carter move out a little, and he takes her hand in his own. As they dance slowly with one another, John can't help but look at her in a way he never has before. "I'm so glad you're here," he says softly to her.
She blushes and grins; then, she moves closer to him and kisses his cheek—his beard tickles her face. She pulls away and looks at him, as if to say, "Thank you."
On this night, as she stands in her utopia, she has what any person could wish for: a life and the love of her friends. They are a family, and everything is as it should be.
(The scene continues with the staff dancing and the music playing; it, then, fades to black.)
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A person travels the world over in search of what they need and returns home to find it.
George Moore
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There's the first ending! Hope you liked it! I'll post the second ending soon!
