This morning is different than the other mornings, because Jia Xu didn't receive any new emails when he woke up in the morning. And so he went on with his usual daily activities, up until in the afternoon…
To: Cao Pi
Ooh, poor you. First he had an affair with your wife, and now with your secretary? Pfftt. What unlucky man you are, then!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Then again, Zhang He debuted in the series earlier than you did, so technically he's the first to get both Zhenji AND Sima Yi. So he deserves it, kinda.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Okay, okay, I apologize. Hmm, that's weird since Zhang He is technically a female now thanks to Cai Wenji, hmm…
Jia Xu (shivering thanks to Cao Pi releasing cold air to his room)
To: Cao Pi
Let's see, do you ever recall doing something that pisses Zhang He off?
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Because I just noticed a pattern here. First he had an affair with your wife, and then your secretary. I think he did it out of intention of pissing you off.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Hmm…I know. Maybe you could use this. (attached is a voodoo doll in the shape of Zhang He)
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Where did I get it? Well, Li Dian's been practicing voodoo lately, and he gave me this in case I'm pissed off. I don't know why he gave me the Zhang He one. Since I have no use for it maybe you could just use it.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Pi
Yeah, yeah.
Jia Xu
To: Li Dian
Sigh….look, you're NOT. Sure, sometimes I question whether you are a human being or not, but I don't think that an alien is as retarded and depraved as you.
Jia Xu
To: Li Dian
Your mom? …umm, I think it might just be your black magic malfunctioning. Really, you've gotta learn how to control it. I don't want you to end up as another Xun Yu. We all don't.
Jia Xu
To: Li Dian
Well, have you tried to turn her back?
Jia Xu
To: Li Dian
And now she turned into what?!
Jia Xu
To: Li Dian
…great. Remind me to keep a bamboo branch away from your mom whenever she comes here.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
What? When in the hell did they obtain ships too?!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
For some reason I believe it's the very same person who sent us Horn's Ambition. Along with those goddamn drugged rums….
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Wait, you sure this is a genuine boat race and not a battle? Gotta make sure they don't bring fire or anything this time…
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Okay, I apologize. I forgot that now you harbor deep trauma at the mention of the word 'fire'.
Jia Xu (impaled by multiple icicles)
To: Cao Cao
Oh well. By the way why in the hell am I the navigator?!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
For the last. FUCKIN' TIME. I am NOT and was NOT, a pirate. Where in the hell did people have that idea anyway?!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Huh. Oh well. I guess I'll go if Xu Zhu'll provide us good meals. When will the race start?
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
What the hell?! You mean EVERYONE already gathered there?!
Jia Xu
And so Jia Xu ran on the speed of light towards Tianshui, where everyone already gathered for the boat race. There he found Cao Cao, Xiahou Dun, Xu Zhu and Zhang Liao.
Cao Cao: Jia Xu! You're late!
Jia Xu: Well pant it's not pant my goddamn fault! Why did you not tell me earlier?!
Cao Cao: Huh? I coulda sworn I sent you the email this morning.
Jia Xu: Really?! When was it?
Cao Cao: Hmm…07.01, if my memory serves me correctly.
Jia Xu: Oh, right. I left the home at 07.00. Fuck it.
Cao Cao: Well, now that everyone's here, go to your positions! We won't lose to Wu and Shu this time! Our boat is superior to theirs!
Everyone: Yoo!
And so everyone went to his respective positions. Cao Cao is the captain of the ship, Xiahou Dun and Zhang Liao stayed on their guards in case actual pirates attacked (smacked by flail and slashed by katana), while Jia Xu became the navigator, giving directions to Cao Cao through emails.
To: Cao Cao
Okay, start.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Hmm…turn left.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Okay…OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
Jia Xu
Horn's Ambition crashed into a mysterious sea creature.
To: Cao Cao
I seriously do not know what the hell that is!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Fine, I'll take a look!...oh lord.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
My lord, it's a giant insect demon.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Yes, the one Sima Yi told you about.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Well, let's just tell Li Dian that we just 'banged' his mom today. Hahaha. Man, that's evil. Oh well, let's take another route.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Hey, there's the Shu ship over there! Should we attack it?
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
No? Why not?
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Aw, you guys are no fun.
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Okay, then. Take turbo speed!
Jia Xu
And so Horn's Ambition speeded on the speed of light past the Spirit of Benevolence, splashing them over with water. You can hear some Shu people swearing from a distance.
To: Cao Cao
Haha! How do you like that? We just got revenge for Chibi!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
And now…oh! There's the Wu ship!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Hmm…ah! Wait a minute! They seem to be preparing an attack!
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Wait, what are they doing…AAAAAHHHHH! MY EYES! THEY BUUUURRRRRNNNN!
Jia Xu
Infact, everyone's eyes burn, as the Wu people attack by having Huang Gai pull down his pants.
To: Cao Cao
Argh…are you okay, my lord?! Gakh, I feel like I'm having molten white chocolate inside my eye sockets…
Jia Xu
To: Cao Cao
Really…second time those Wu bastards use fire…uh what the hell is that?! TURN! TURN! AAAAAAAKKKKKKKHHHHHHHHH!
Jia Xu
As it turns out, the attack launched by Wu people caused the Wei people to lose focus, causing them to steer in the wrong direction and to hit…something. Did they survive? Or did they die, causing the jelly Guo Jia to take over this letter segment? Find out in the next chapters!
Yeah, I'm sorry this came out a bit late. Also, as for this letter:
Jia Xu
Did...did you...did you just disrespect me?! How dare you?! I'm practically your mother! Do you WANT to feel Sima Yi's pain?! *Jia Xu got zapped by lightning* Do you want to see your kingdom fall?! *Jia Xu got punch by some unknown forces filed by lightning zap until he completed the task below*
PS : Now that I think of it, I really liked Li Dian. Not the dirty type, get your mind out of the gutter! I mean like genuinely love him liked soul mate or good friends. Is there any way I could get closer to him. Again, no dirty thoughts! I'm asking YOU not anyone!
You kinda forgot the sender. Anyways, please leave a review! Good day!
