A/N: Hey, I know I haven't updated in a while, but I'm back now...I think. I feel like writing again. It's been a long time since Season 12 (an entire year!) and they haven't been so keen on showing re-runs of Season 12 eps, so these chapters are going to get really AU. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 7: A Chance Meeting, Perhaps
I couldn't say no, now could I? I told her that I would support her, whatever she decided. So when she asked me if I would cover the rest of her shift so she could leave for an appointment, I didn't have to ask where she was going, I already knew. She was going to seal the fate of our unborn child, a child that we may never see. I hope I made her understand how much I really care for her and how much I really really think we should have this baby. It is half of me and half of her, hopefully the best parts. She is beautiful, strong, and independent, but I only hope that she can learn to lean on me – anyone else, sometimes. I want her to see that the burden does not always have to fall on her.
That was a lesson I had to learn so many years ago, a lesson, I think, I am still learning. I must somehow have to figure out how not to care so much. Sometimes I think I want to care too much, to help out too much. I can't help it, that's who I am, it's what I do. No one seems to understand that. Abby does. On some level, we connect with each other. On some levels we don't, and I think that's what makes us work. We both have lead painful lives, at point we were so happy, yet it was all taken away in one fell swoop. And when we lost that connection to happiness, we never got it back. We slipped further and further away, drifting into the quiet of unhappiness and watched everyone go by. It was so dark where we were, that no one saw us. And then, we bumped into each other in the dark. I don't know why she kissed me in the ambulance bay that day. I attributed it to my good looks and charms. I certainly wasn't vying for her attention. I was nursing an open wound left by Carol. I came to America and already I was losing again. I thought God had perhaps given me a family again when I got to know Carol. I was wrong; she too was snatched away from me. So there I was, and there Abby was. We were there, together. We somehow found each other in the dark.
Our fist date, not necessarily the best. And then, the aftermath, I couldn't live. Abby seemed to move on without conviction, but I, I held on to my sin. I killed that man and I didn't have to. I didn't have to beat him to a bloody pulp on the concrete. He was somebody. He had to be. He had to be a person that someone cared for. Everyone cares for someone, don't they? I cared enough for Danijela and Marko and Jasna. I cared enough for Carol and Tess and Kate. And then I was caring enough for Abby. All the while I was busy caring, I lost them. I lost Danijle, Marko and Jasna to a war in my country of birth. I lost Carol, Tess and Kate to a man they had never really left. And Abby, I don't think I exactly lost her. I think I gave her up. I figured she was no longer interested in me. I could tell. There was something there between her and Carter, they couldn't see it, but I could. I was jealous, terribly. I was tired of being left by people I cared for. So I convinced myself I no longer cared for her. I said some pretty harsh things and set her free. I had hoped she'd come back to me; that's the way the saying goes, yes? And I cared deeply. But we went our separate ways.
We didn't move on from each other very well. I quickly found myself involved with a young woman, Nicole was her name. I don't know why. It didn't take me long to screw her, because that's all it was, screwing, it meant nothing. She was the first person I was able to not care for. I didn't care for her because I still cared somewhere, I think, for Abby. I wanted to make her jealous. But why? I'm the one that broke up with her. I was the jealous one and she was completely innocent. I don't doubt her sincerity towards me. She didn't immediately jump in the bed with Carter. Then something happened, and I thought she was jealous. It was my chance to hold that power of having someone to be jealous of me. Abby told me Nicole wasn't who I thought she was. Nicole told me she was pregnant and although I didn't know what to do with myself or my feelings on it, I knew I had to marry her. That was they way to do things.
But Abby warned me, told me that she wasn't really pregnant. I was really angry with Abby for saying something like that. I was also quite pleased with myself because I'd done something to make her jealous of me. Then Nicole left; told me there was no baby. Then I felt like an idiot. And Abby, she never said anything.
Then, there was Brian. I think that was the turning point in Abby's life. A time in which she decided she needed to change some things. She tried to help her neighbor whose husband took to beating her when he had one too many drinks. And for her troubles, she ended up with a bruised face. A bruised sense of being. Another failure to her life, perhaps. I offered her my place to stay for as long as she wanted, because I still cared for her. She stayed for a little while. But there was always this space between us. Things weren't quite right. I don't know if it was me or her. Then I don't know if it was my indifference with my life at that moment in time. I didn't know what to do, so I left.
I left because I couldn't care anymore. I left because I wanted to care. I went to Africa, to care for the people there. It was great, exhilarating, even. Here were people who needed someone to care for them. To help them through their everyday lives, illness, day-to-day functioning. I learned a great deal about the culture and I learned a new way to care. I found a new person to care for, Gillian, as short-lived as that romance was. Strange, how it didn't hurt to not care for her when it was over. I thought it didn't hurt as much when it was time for me to return to my home. And then, I couldn't decide where my home was. Where did I belong? I went to Croatia and looked around. But the country of my birth, the one I cared for so long, wasn't there. The Croatia I returned to was no longer mine to care for. So I came back to the States. I was a different man, I was embittered. I had run out of things to care for. I was disenchanted with work. When I was in Africa, there existed a raw passion when it came to practicing medicine. We didn't have a ton of diagnostic tools at our fingertips. We had to make do with what we had. And I loved that. I tired to teach Pratt a couple of things, but he was stubborn and pig-headed about everything. Thought he knew what he was doing. I guess we all tend to get cocky sometimes. Then there was Carter and Abby. My, how close they'd gotten since I left the picture. I was in a way, relieved. I was glad they were together. It was a reason for me to stay away from her, to move on with my life. Move on to where, though? I couldn't. So, I left again.
I don't remember much of what happened. All I knew is that Carter came to rescue me. I was in Africa, helping the people and I was in a village and I was taken. Many of the villagers were killed. And I remember being ill. And I remember Carter coming to my side to help. He brought me safely back to the States. He cared for me. Someone else cared for me. We grew close after that. I convinced him to come to Africa with me. To see how the other half lives. We went and worked wonders there, we both could feel the change. It was great.. Then something happened. He and Abby fell apart for whatever reasons. I never asked her why. That was another point in her life where she began to change again. She went on to pursue her medical degree and to quit drinking. My life changed too.
I met Sam. She was a new nurse at County and I was completely smitten. There was a different connection between us. We got along better than I had ever gotten along with anyone ever since Danijela. It was great. She had Alex, a son. He was a great kid. At first, Sam was weary of our strange friendship. But I understood, he needed a male figure in his life, someone stable. We talked a lot about his dad and how their lives were so far. He was an adventurous kid. I think he sought me out from the first time we saw each other. I didn't mind him trying to hook me up with his mom, but I wasn't going to force myself upon her. I wanted it to be her decision to come to me, and she did. We had great times. I felt myself falling in love all over again. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for them. I loved them completely, with my heart, mind and soul. Only, Sam and I, we weren't on the same level. I saw the pregnancy test in the bathroom and my heart leapt into my throat with the prospect that I might have another chance to be a father again. I mean, Alex was like a son to me, but to have a child that is biologically yours, that is entirely a completely different feeling. Here is a being that was created from a fusion of two objects too tiny to see with the naked eye. It's the only thing in life you really can screw up. Even though you might be afraid of what kind of parent you'll be, you can screw up the fact that there was a fusion of genetic material and now a being was growing in your lover's body. I say lover because a lover is someone you love totally and completely and they feel the same way in return. There's so much passion in all that you do and you don't want it to ever end. And that's how I felt about Sam when I saw the kit. And that was the last time I felt that way about her. I asked her about the kit, if she was pregnant. She was rather content to know that she wasn't and that deeply hurt me. We had many discussions on the finer points of why I thought we should have kids and why she didn't want anymore. We even went to couple's therapy. That's how much I realized I wanted that. That's how much I realized she didn't want any of that. That's when I realized we needed to go our separate ways. I let her go and she never turned back around.
Then, there was that fateful day that brought Abby back to me. She got upset with me and Clemente because of a little pissing match we had. I know now it was pig-headed of me and that I really hurt her. I don't know what we were thinking that night. She came to my apartment, knocked on my door and headed down the hallway. She was almost gone by the time I opened my door. But she didn't continue on, she turned back around and came into my apartment to berate me, I guess. But instead, we ended up making love to each other, and I do mean making love. It wasn't a casual escapade – there was something to it, and that is when our child was created, I'm almost sure of it. I wouldn't think of it any other way. Our energies were so raw, it was scary. And after that, we just couldn't keep our hands off of each other. So many stolen moments, it was better than the first time around. I felt we were genuinely happy with each other. And now, I am even happier, yet I am angry. I am happy that Abby is carrying my child and angry that she has even thought about not having it. And to show my love for her, I told her I would support her, no matter what she decided, but I also decided I wouldn't let another woman walk over me. Abby can do that to you sometimes; be overbearing. I know it's out of her insecurities, but if she'd just put them away, she could be so much happier, I know. So, I told her what I thought, that I wanted the child. But I also didn't want to make her uncomfortable with her being, the person she had grown into since I've known her. I want that for her, self-love.
