A Month Later…….

Derek had now had 4 follow up visits with Dr. Bentley. With each visit came a reduction in medication and the removal of a restriction. After his 4th visit he was finally off all of the medication that he had been taking, a fact that made him happy since he hated taking pills. He was allowed to go for longer walks and do some minor exercises but he still wasn't allowed to lift any weights, drive or go back to work. All in all his recovery was going much faster than the doctors had originally anticipated and if all things continued, he could be back at work as soon as 2 weeks.

His nightmares however were a whole other story. They were happening more often and they were much more vivid and intense. Every night Penelope would hear him in his sleep and have to gently wake him up from the hell he was visiting. She would hold him and caress him to calm him down and she wouldn't leave him until she was sure he was sound asleep and resting peacefully. He knew it was taking a toll on her and this killed him. She was barely getting any sleep at night because she would spend most of the night making sure he slept well. He wanted so much to be able to control them and keep them at bay, but his efforts were fruitless.

Penelope had taken a little "me" time at Derek's insistence. Hotch had given them a few days off after their last case and Derek wanted Penelope to take some time to herself. She had stuck by him constantly for the past month and he figured she probably needed the break. He had surprised her with a gift card for the local spa. He figured if he handed her something that was already paid for, she wouldn't be able to refuse it. She'd been gone for about 4 hours but had already called him 7 times. He had to admit though, he missed her already.

That was another problem he had to face. He'd grown accustomed to having Penelope with him in fact he loved having her around. With his recovery coming along he knew that their time together was coming to a close. He had insisted that his Mom and Sisters hold off on the w/end trips with the excuse that he'd rather have them all their for Thanksgiving, truth is though, he didn't want to share his time with Penelope. He knew that it was selfish but that too was something he just couldn't control no more than he could control his feelings for his baby girl.

Penelope walked out of the spa feeling like a new person. She was glad she had taken Derek's advice or actually "order" to take a "me" day. She had gotten the full treatment. They did her hands and feet, they'd given her a full facial and wax treatment, a full body massage after a long soak with aromatherapy oils. She'd even gotten her hair done. She only had them trim the ends though because she knew Derek liked her hair long. She had wanted to celebrate the great news about his recovery and had opted to pick up some dinner and even get him some beer. Now that he was off the medication she figured he was allowed to celebrate. She had pre-ordered at his favorite restaurant which happened to have a liquor store right next door. It was perfect, she'd have everything in less than 15 minutes and she'd be headed home to surprise him.

Derek greeted her at the door with a huge smile. "Baby, what's all this?" He asked.

"We're going to celebrate your recovery. I ordered your favorite meal and I even got you some beer." She said

"YOU are truly a Goddess." He said smiling as he took the packages from her hand.

"You only say that because it's true." She said grinning.

Derek set the table while Penelope got the food ready. She had changed into one of Derek's t-shirts and the visual was driving him wild. After dinner they picked up quickly and headed to the living room to watch a movie. This had become nightly ritual for them. They'd cuddle on the couch with a blanket and watch a movie until one of them was too exhausted to continue. Tonight it was Derek's turn to pick a movie and he picked a scary one, even though she wasn't into scary movies she didn't seem to mind watching them with him. They were always the perfect excuse for major cuddling. There was absolutely no better feeling in the world than to be cuddled against her chocolate god with his arms around her and her head against his chest.

They had both fallen asleep halfway through the movie but like clockwork at 2am Penelope was awakened by Derek's stirrings. He moaned in his sleep as if he was pain and soon after he'd yell. Penelope gently caressed his chest as she softly called his name, trying to bring him back to her and out of the dark place he would visit every night. His breathing was heavy and his body would jerk. She'd repeat his name until finally she'd manage to wake him.

"Hey handsome, I'm right here baby, its ok you're safe." She said gently.

Derek let out a deep sigh. "Baby I'm so sorry I know this is getting old." He said.

"Shhh no apologies Angel." She said as she tenderly caressed his face. "Was it the same dream?"

"It never changes just gets more detailed." He said. "It always starts with me playing catch with my Dad. We're in a field and he throws the ball but I miss and run after it. When I get to the end of the field there are all these trees and I'm looking around but I can't find it. I call him and ask him to help but he just stands there looking at me and when I turn around I see and look back down at the ground, I see a pair of lifeless eyes staring back at me. I yell back at my Dad but he doesn't answer. Then I look back and I see Carl standing next to my old man. Carl starts walking towards me and my Dad starts to walk away. I scream for him but he doesn't even turn around. Next thing I know I'm in that cabin and I'm surrounded by all these young kids and the only one I recognize is James. They all start walking towards me but they all have that same lifeless look in their eyes. They blame me, I can tell and I try to run but there's nowhere to go. I start to feel myself being pulled apart and I can feel the pain as Carl grabs me and then I wake up, or I should say you wake me up."

Penelope could see the anguish in his face and she wanted more than anything to take that away. She wanted to make things right for him but she knew she couldn't. Instead she cupped his face with her hand and looked into his eyes. "I wish I could make it all go away." She said

He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes. He knew right there and then that this wasn't going to go away. He leaned into her and placed his forehead on hers as his hands grabbed her face. "Baby, I'm struggling." He said as he finally allowed his emotions to release and his eyes filled with tears.

Penelope wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close to her. "Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?"

"All I need right now is you." He said.

"I'm not going anywhere sweetness." She said as she squeezed him tighter to her.

"I want to believe that, no actually I need to believe that." He said.

"Baby, you said they blame you, what do they say in your dream?" Penelope asks.

"They don't have to say anything, I just feel it." He says.

Just then she realized. She pulled back to look at him and said "You don't blame yourself for what Carl did do you?"

"If I had spoken up sooner, those boys would be alive today. I caused James' pain by keeping silent." He said.

"Angel, you were a little boy. This isn't your fault. You didn't cause any of this. Carl's the one that's responsible. If anything it was you that helped stop him." She said determined to make him listen.

"Too little too late they say." He responded as he quickly pushed her away from him and stood up. "I'm not the person you think I am." He said his voice cracking as he spoke.

Penelope stood up and walked over to him. Her anger beginning to build. Not at him, but at the circumstances behind everything that was making him doubt himself. "Let me tell you exactly WHO Derek Morgan is because you two obviously haven't met. The Derek Morgan I know has a huge heart. He fights for the underdog and protects those that can't protect themselves. He'd give you the shirt off his back if you needed it and wouldn't think twice about it. The Derek Morgan I know puts his own life on the line to save the lives of those he doesn't even know without expecting so much as a thank you at the end of the day. He places himself in danger so that a young genius he's taken under his wing doesn't have to. If truth be told, I believe the real reason you did what you did is because in your mind, as long as Carl was hurting you he couldn't hurt anyone else. "Penelope got close enough to Derek and stood toe to toe; she grabbed his chin with her hand and forced him to look at her. "If you really want to know who Derek Morgan is, then look at me and see him through my eyes."

Derek stood there silent, his eyes filled with tears. He'd told her the truth and she was still there, she still believed in him. He reached out for her and she wrapped herself around him holding him close.

"I'm making that phone call tomorrow and you're going to go talk to someone. You need to let someone help you. " She said.

"I swear baby I don't know what I did to deserve you, but whatever it was, I'd do it over and over."