Chapter 7 - One Step at a Time

Note:

I can't believe I haven't updated this story for four months. I am appalled. That's all there is to say. Except, I hope you guys are still with me.


Angel rushed into the pub. Willow and Giles were still sitting at the same table as before and talking. But Buffy was nowhere to be seen. "Did Buffy come back here?" he asked them.

Willow was reluctant to answer. Buffy had stormed into the pub and up the stairs without a word. It was obvious that she had been furious. And Angel was the most likely culprit.

"Did she get back alright?" Angel asked again. "Please, I need to know she is okay. We came across some drunk guys. Please, I need to know she made it back alright. Otherwise, we have to go and look for her."

"She is upstairs," Willow said. "She's fine."

Angel sighed relieved. "I need to talk to her." Without another word, he walked towards the stairs.

When Angel was out of sight, Giles said, "Ah, young love, so energetic and passionate."


Angel knocked at the door. He knocked a second time.

Buffy was lying on her bed. She knew who was at the door. Willow wouldn't have knocked. Frustrated with Angel's stubbornness, Buffy had stormed upstairs and thrown herself on the bed and not moved since, except to pummel her pillow once in a while. "Unless you want to apologize you can get lost for all I care," she yelled.

Angel opened the door but didn't enter. "I do want to apologize. But not for… well, for that too, but I actually came to tell you something else."

Buffy sat up and faced him. "If you came here to tell me you thought of any more reasons why I should stay away from you, I am not interested."

Angel stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He stood there awkwardly, not knowing how to proceed.

"What did you want to tell me?" Buffy asked, preparing herself for a repeat performance of what had happened earlier.

Angel looked down at the small figure sitting on the bed. "Now that you know the truth… well, you've known the truth for quite a while, but… well, what I am trying to say is… I am sorry I killed your sister. I know it won't bring her back. I know it won't make it better. I just… I needed to tell you. I am so sorry."

"Oh… thanks," Buffy said. She had not expected this. It caught her off guard and she couldn't suppress the tears that were forming. She blinked her eyes rapidly, not wanting Angel to notice. But she needn't have worried. He was staring at the floor, not able to meet her eyes.

"Well… um… I should go."

"No! Stay, please," Buffy said.

Angel looked at her and her eyes told him that she really meant it. What astonished him even more was that instead of hatred, he only saw pity in her eyes. "How can you not hate me for what I did?" Angel asked.

Buffy shrugged her shoulders. She had asked herself that many times. "I don't know. I know I should hate you. Even my dreams tell me I should."

"Are those the nightmares that you mentioned before?"

Buffy nodded.

"You should listen to them."

"What?"

"I will only bring you pain and misery. I have never brought anybody anything else, not even when I was human."

"Don't you see that this soul is your chance to change? Why throw that away? Why not at least try? You've hardly been back for a few weeks and you are ready to throw away your whole future."

"Back? I am not back. I might have my soul back, but I was never like this. I am still a vampire. I have no future."

"You don't strike me as a coward," Buffy said dryly.

That struck a cord with Angel. "I am not a coward. I am trying to do the right thing."

"By throwing away the chance you were given."

"This wasn't meant as a chance. This is my punishment."

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean you can't make it into something else. Do you always take things lying down? Don't you see the potential your curse has? A vampire with a soul. As far as we know, there's never been somebody like you. You can write vampire history."

Angel looked at her as if she was crazy.

Buffy saw his confused look. "What? What did I say?"

Angel just shook his head. "I've never met someone as stubborn as you."

"Ever looked in a mirror?" Buffy teased.

Angel got a sad look on his face. Then, without any prior warning, he grabbed Buffy, dragged her off the bed and over to the corner of the room. He held on to her shoulders tightly and made her face the mirror that was hanging there. At the same time, he pulled her back against his chest so that she could clearly feel him. Maybe this would make her see reason.

"That's amazing," Buffy said. She knew that vampires didn't have a reflection, but actually seeing – or rather not seeing – it was simply fascinating.

"Amazing?" Angel asked incredulously. Was she crazy?

Without seeing his face, Buffy could well imagine the look on his face. "It's just a mirror," she said tenderly and turned around in his arms. "I sometimes wish there wasn't one in the mornings," she tried to make light of the situation.

"How can you…" Angel was at a loss for words. Didn't she want to understand?

"Why do you think it's important that I can or can't see you in a mirror? I can see you. Isn't that the important part?" Why wouldn't he understand that she didn't care what he was? She gently laid her hand against his cheek. She could see that he was torn between running from her and staying. When he turned his head to break loose from her touch, she placed her other hand against his face, trapping him.

"It's not normal."

"What is normal? Did you know that in my clan, I am considered an oddity?"

Angel looked at her confused.

"I have the wrong hair color. I used to dye it dark for years. My mother was blonde and so was I. But the kids kept teasing me about it, calling me names, calling me ugly. I've only gone back to my natural hair color a few weeks ago, after I left the clan to follow you."

"You are everything but ugly," Angel said.

Buffy smiled. "Thanks, but the point I was trying to make is that it doesn't matter what you or I look like. I mean… um… not that I think you aren't good looking, because you are… um… I am getting off topic here. It matters what's inside." Buffy removed one of her hands from his face and placed it on his chest.

"I agree with you on that," Angel said.

Buffy released a small sigh of relief.

Angel went on, "It's not just appearances. And as long as I don't look in a mirror, I look like a normal human being. But I am far from human. I am a vampire." He grabbed her hand that was lying on his chest and pressed it more tightly against it. "And there is no heartbeat there. Because it's dead, like the rest of me."

Buffy should have been angry with him for being so stubborn, but she only felt pity and frustration. Out of her wits, but not willing to give up yet, she let her forehead rest against his chest. "I know all that. And I don't care. Because I know that you are more than just a vampire. You are a good person."

"I am not."

Buffy raised her head again and looked at him. "How do you know?"

"What?"

"How do you know? You haven't really tried yet. You seem to be much more comfortable in this I-am-bad-and-I-can't-change-that-role. But what I have seen so far makes me believe you would make a very good person."

"Stop it!" He broke away from her touch and walked over to the window, looking outside but not really seeing anything. He didn't know what to do. When he had still been unaware that Buffy knew the truth about him being a vampire, he had been able to pretend he was normal. She had made him forget what he was. She had made him feel normal. She had never treated him like anything else but a human being. She hadn't flinched from his touch. She hadn't been guarded at all. But now that he knew the truth, he couldn't keep up the lies to himself anymore. The illusion had simply disappeared. It was as if his eyes had been opened anew to what he was. Knowing she knew made it real once more. Before, he had been able to hide from himself and live a lie, a lie he found preferable to what he really was.

Angel could feel and hear Buffy approaching slowly. He could hear her cautious steps. He could hear her heartbeat getting louder until he could finally even feel the warmth coming off her body. And it was so damn hard to resist that, to resist her, knowing she gave it willingly, knowing that she wasn't afraid of him.

Buffy was about to touch his back, but changed her mind at the last minute, afraid to make him run once more and this time out the door. So she simply waited.

"You made me forget what I am," Angel said finally, still facing the window.

"I won't treat you differently now. I didn't do that because I was told to. I was told to never approach you. I was told to only watch you from a distance."

"It was an illusion anyway. I clung to a lie. I let myself believe that my soul would make a difference, that with a soul I could start over again, at least some day. But I still lust for blood. I still can't walk outside during the day. I still can kill without hardly lifting a finger. And everything I ever did haunts me day and night. I despise what I am. It's almost unbearable to live with it. And now that you know what I am… know what I did... Nobody but me should have to bear that."

"I agree that it's not easy. But it gets easier with each day, with each day I know you."

"Don't say that!"

"Why not? Why do you want me to hate you? Would that make it easier for you?"

"Maybe."

"But I don't hate you."

"So you say. But it doesn't make sense."

"Not everything in this world makes sense." Buffy could think of a several things that didn't make sense to her. One was the person standing right in front of her and the feelings she was experiencing whenever she was close to him, or away from him, the location didn't really matter. "Not everything is as straight forward as you would like it to be."

Not knowing what else to do anymore to convince her that he was bad for her, Angel grabbed her hard by the shoulders and yelled at her, "I killed your sister! It doesn't get more straight forward than that."

"That wasn't you," Buffy said, imploring him with her eyes to understand.

"I bet that's not what your dreams tell you. I killed your sister in cold blood, without a second thought."

"That wasn't you," she said again. But the hope of getting through to him was fading slowly.

"You only want to believe that."

"And you only want to wallow in your self-pity. But that won't bring her back either. Nothing will."

"Exactly," Angel said dejectedly and let go of her.

"You can only go forward now," Buffy said. "We can do that together."

"No, we can't."

"You know, for someone who has it all figured out you are giving me rather mixed signals."

"I'm sorry. I… I wish… I really…"

"Don't just wish or dream. Do something."

"Everything I start ends in disaster and so will this."

"This? Will you at least admit that there is something between us?"

"It is. But it has to stop."

"Just because you know now that I know what you are? That's stupid. Should I have kept on lying to you?"

"No, you should have never approached me. You should have listened to your clan. You should have stayed away from me."

"It's too late for that now!"

"It's not too late to avert another disaster."

"Disaster? What disaster? What you gonna do? Run from your own shadow from now on?"

"Buffy, please try to understand…"

"Understand what? That you simply can't deal with this? That you are not even willing to try?"

"That I can't risk hurting you."

"I can take care of myself. I know what I am getting myself into."

"I don't even know what I have gotten myself into, what this soul really means."

Buffy was more than frustrated by now. They were going in circles. She was going to try one more time. "Let's find out," she said softly. "Together."

"I can't…"

"So that's it?"

"Yes. It can't be any other way. Go back to your clan. Tell them you lost me or whatever you think fits best."

"You have no right to tell me what to do! I don't want to go back to my clan."

"You'll be safe there."

"What do you care? You only care about yourself. And you have not the slightest idea what going back to my clan would mean for me. So stop pretending you care."

"You are all I care about at the moment."

"You used me to feel better. As long as I could make you forget, I was good enough for you. And now I've become useless. You don't care about me at all."

"Buffy, that's not true. I almost killed those guys even though I swore to myself that I would never hurt a human being again. But the thought of you getting hurt surpassed everything else. I would have gladly taken on another sin than allowing anything to happen to you."

"Then why do you want to leave?"

"Because now I am the most likely person that will hurt you next."

"So you simply gonna run away? Don't you think that won't hurt me? I know pain. I've been hurt a lot in my life. When I said my family is dead that wasn't a lie. I haven't only lost my sister, I have lost my parents as well. And now I am gonna lose you."

"You hardly know me. You shouldn't care about me at all."

"I know you better than you think. And the thought of never seeing you again is unbearable."

"You might think you have forgiven me. But your sister will always be between us."

"My sister is dead. And staying away from you won't bring her back."

"How do you think I feel looking into the face of my last victim's sister?"

"See, again it's only about you. Fine, you think you can't deal with it? You want to run away from it? You think that's gonna make it better? Then leave."

"Buffy, I just think you don't know what you are getting yourself into."

"You are right. Maybe I don't have the slightest idea what I am getting myself into. I have no idea where this is going. But I want to find out."

"Buffy, I drink blood. I can't go out during the day. I-"

"I know all that! I have watched you for weeks. I've slept during the day and followed you during the night. I've seen you feed. I've seen how careful you were. You never hurt anybody. I've witnessed your nightmares."


Willow and Giles were still sitting downstairs, but Willow was getting increasingly restless.

"Is everything alright?" Giles asked when she didn't respond to his question.

"Excuse me for a moment. I think I should see if they are okay."

"Sure. Um… do you think you might need some help? He seemed rather agitated when he stormed in here. Does he tend to be… violent?"

"I don't think so. But you never know. You don't happen to have a stake on you, do you?"

"A stake?" Giles asked confused.

"Never mind."


Willow went upstairs. She put her ear against the door and at first she heard nothing. But when she was about to turn around and go back downstairs, she heard Buffy yelling at somebody, most likely Angel. Willow quickly rushed inside. Angel and Buffy were standing in opposite corners of the room. Buffy was glaring angrily at Angel, while he looked weary and dejected. "Is everything okay?" Willow asked.

"Yes," Angel said.

"No!" Buffy yelled.

"Okay… Maybe I can help?" Willow suggested.

Buffy laughed. "Help? As if vampires were willing to accept help. You see, Willow, they are bad, so they can't be helped, or shouldn't be helped. Isn't that what you were trying to tell me?" Buffy asked, looking at Angel.

"Buffy…"

"I take back what I said about vampires earlier. Vampires - without exception - are heartless and selfish and cruel."

"Vampires?" Giles asked puzzled. Nobody had noticed Giles standing in the doorway. He had felt obliged to make sure the two women were alright. "So you do know something about them?"

"Yes, and you obviously know nothing about them, since you didn't even notice that you were having dinner with one," Buffy said.

Giles looked at Buffy, then at Willow and then at Angel, who was looking at the floor guiltily. "You are a vampire?" Giles asked doubtfully. "Oh no, I am not falling for that. I have never been treated like that in… since… ever. I actually thought you were the first people genuinely interested in my research. I am used to people thinking me crazy, but this is outrageous. I've never been to this part of the world before, but I believe that even here lying is considered very bad-mannered," Giles said hurt and turned to leave.

"They are right. I am a vampire," Angel said calmly.

"Oh, sure," Giles said sarcastically.

"You are right. He isn't a vampire," Buffy said suddenly. She was afraid what Giles would do if he found out the truth about Angel. "Of course he isn't a vampire. It was just a stupid joke. We lied. Sorry."

Angel looked confused at Buffy.

"What is going on here?" Giles asked. "What are you up to? Is this some kind of scam? Are you misleading people into giving you money or something? What kind of game are you playing? You should be run out of town."

Angel slowly walked towards Giles. He closed the door and when he stood directly in front of Giles, he asked, "Are you sure you don't even remotely want to consider that I am a vampire?"

"You… you can't be a vampire."

"Really? Didn't you say anybody could be one as long as you meet them after dark?"

"Well, yes, but you are… too nice, well, at least I thought so before."

Without further warning Angel changed into his demon face. "Never call her a liar again!"

Giles just gaped at him with an open mouth.

"Well, I am a liar," Buffy pointed out. "I lied to you."

Angel turned around to face Buffy. "I didn't exactly tell you the truth either."

"I knew the truth." Buffy came closer, until she was standing right in front of him. "And I didn't mind." She extended her hand and gently touched his face, which was still contorted by his vampiric features. Angel turned his head and tried to avoid her touch. But Buffy was persistent. Her touch was light, but her hand didn't leave his face. "I still don't mind."

"You say that now," Angel said. He changed back into his human face, but he wouldn't meet her eyes.

Buffy leaned even closer, almost touching his chest, and said so quietly that only he could hear her, "Please, at least give us a chance. Don't just disappear out of my life. Let's just see what happens."

Angel didn't want to leave. He had no plans for the future anyway. And there was nothing he would rather do than staying with her. But this was crazy. This was impossible. He finally looked at her. He gazed deeply into her eyes and at that moment he felt like going on without her was pointless anyway.

"Angel, please. If I mean anything to you, please, let's give this a try," Buffy said so quietly that it hardly even qualified as a whisper.

"I don't want to hurt you," Angel said in a small voice.

"You'll hurt me if you leave."

Angel's head told him to go now, before he couldn't anymore. Every minute he stayed longer, he felt his resolve weakening more. If he didn't find the strength to leave now, it would end in disaster for both of them. He didn't care about himself. He deserved whatever he got. But Buffy didn't. She deserved only the best and that was so much more than he could give her. Why wouldn't she see that?

"Angel?" Buffy took his hand.

Damn, was she aware how hard she was making this for him? Her sweet voice. Her warm hand on his skin. Was she doing it on purpose? Why wouldn't she give up? Why didn't she give up on him?

Buffy was holding her breath. She knew this was her very last chance to persuade him. She didn't dare take her eyes off his. She didn't want to push him and scare him away. But she refused to let him go without a fight.

"Buffy… I…" He knew what he had to say, but he couldn't.

Buffy saw the decision in his eyes. She knew she had lost.

Angel could clearly see the pain in her eyes. He hated seeing her hurt. Without thinking, he cupped her cheek with his hand.

Instinctively, Buffy leaned into his touch. Would he at least give her a goodbye kiss? Just the thought made her want to cry.

Angel gently caressed her cheek with his thump. He just couldn't let go of her. He simply wasn't able to. And he couldn't leave. In fact, he couldn't even move. He was rooted to the floor.

When Angel simply continued stroking her cheek, Buffy looked at him puzzled. What was he waiting for? She still didn't dare say a word. But something had changed. He didn't have that determined look on his face anymore.

"Oh, Buffy…" Suddenly, Angel leaned forward until his forehead touched hers.

Buffy was shocked for a second, until she took this gesture for what it was. Angel had resigned himself to his fate, their fate, whatever that was. She let out a sigh of relief. Then she lifted her head to look at him. He did the same and when she met his eyes this time he gave her the smallest of smiles, but a smile nonetheless. Buffy returned the smile, but hers was a lot bigger. Exhausted, as if she had just fought a huge battle, she let her head rest against his chest. Angel lifted his hand and gently stroked her hair. Buffy leaned fully into him and put her arms around his waist. They stood like that for what seemed like ages.

Willow and Giles had been silent witnesses to this scene. They had moved into a corner of the room to give them more privacy, not that Buffy or Angel had noticed. They had both been too curious to leave. Besides, Angel and Buffy were standing right in front of the door and therefore blocking the exit. When the two of them still stood there in each others arms after quite a while, Willow and Giles started to get uncomfortable.

Willow cleared her throat. "Um… so, Giles, what are your plans now?"

"Um… yes, my plans… well… that depends…"

Angel and Buffy finally noticed that there were other people in the room. "Oh, sorry," Buffy said and blushed. "We didn't mean to…" She hastily let go of Angel.

"It's okay," Willow said quickly and grinned. "I prefer this conclusion much more than any of the alternatives."

"Yes, I agree," Giles said. "My first encounter with a vampire… I am really glad it didn't take the usual… ending."

"He is not your average vampire," Buffy said defensively.

"Oh, I didn't mean to offend anybody. I certainly noticed that Angel is… different. Which brings me to my… um… plans." They weren't really plans, since Giles had only come up with them about a minute ago. "Could I write a book about you?"

TBC


Note:

The next chapter will move forward a bit more quickly. And just to give you an idea of the scope of the story, this is still just the beginning. There are still plenty of chapters ahead of us.