A/N: I am super, super lazy. I told myself over and over again to work on the story, but The Sims 3 kept getting in the way.

Woodfall Temple. Home of carnivorous plants, enormous bugs, and the funkalicious Odolwa. Does anyone actually know what it is he keeps chanting during the battle?


Chapter Seven: ABC Gum

"You've got to be joking," I growl. When Zelda had shouted down the hallway that we couldn't go any further, my already depleting mood immediately dropped to negative five. Now that I'm seeing the room for myself, it only pisses me off even more. We just trekked down the longest slippery hallway that I'm hoping I'll ever come across, and now the temple is telling us, "Oh gee, I forgot to mention: you can't get through the first room. I'm afraid you'll have to leave. Sorry." What are we supposed to do now? Go back? Through that damn hallway again? Not unless someone is willing to carry me.

Not only is most of the floor gone, but there are huge trees growing in the middle of the room, to add insult to injury. I can't even see where the door is on the other side. I'm assuming it's directly across from the door we just came through. Though knowing where the door is doesn't help much if we can't get to it.

"So is the floor way down there or what?" Aveil asks. We all peer down. It's dark, but I can make out the stone floor. Trees growing out of a stone floor. Don't ask me how that works.

Darmani asks, "So how we s'posed to get across?" Link plasters on a look of deep concentration as though we could make it across if he willed it. What's left of the floor are a few thick platforms, but they're way too far apart to jump to. We don't have any rope to swing from the trees, either. I'm pretty sure that we wouldn't be able to even if we did have some rope.

"How about this ladder?" Zelda pipes up. Ladder? Of course Zelda found a ladder. Link rushes over to make sure she isn't fibbing. He looks over the edge and nods approvingly. Zelda smiles. "Cool. I call first!" She swings over the edge and climbs down eagerly. I didn't really think she would be into exploring, but I guess you learn something new every day.

It isn't until we're all on the ladder—it's a long way down—that Zelda shrieks, "No! Wait, wait, go back. Back! Up! Move your butt, Link!" They both climb up quickly, resulting in Aveil climbing up, then Lulu, then Mikau, then Darmani, then Romani. I didn't start down this ladder only to go all the way back up, so I don't move.

We all end up bunched together near the top.

"Go back down," I growl at them. "Afraid of the dark or something? Come on."

"There's something down there," I hear Zelda's voice from the bottom. "Creepy yellow eyes. I'm not going down there."

Yellow eyes? Of course. It has to be yellow eyes. "There isn't anything down there," Aveil says. "You're just being paranoid. My fingers are cramping up, so can we move?"

Zelda protests but we all convince her that she's lost her mind and nothing bad is going to eat her. Eventually we're all standing on the bottom floor of the room, but Zelda is still keeping an eye out for her vicious monster stalker. I am too, but just because it's better to be safe than sorry.

We make our way around the trees and pillars of floor to the other side, and not once do we come in contact with the Yellow Eyes. I relax a bit.

I immediately become stressed again when we find out that there's no ladder on this side of the room.

"Great," Romani says, "just great. We're that much closer and we come to another dead end. I'm going to try prying that ladder off the wall." She turns around and stomps back to the other side. Everyone else follows except Mikau.

It's just the two of us. On one side of a dark room. Alone.

I don't like this.

"What are we gonna do?" he asks. I don't know if he's being rhetorical or not, but I don't answer. It's not like I can say anything positive and upbeat in this situation.

Except—

"Maybe we should just make camp down here," I say, "just to see if there's a way to get up there." I didn't come here just to turn around and drag myself up a sloped hell.

Mikau shrinks a little bit. "Here? In the dark? With the yellow-eyed things Zelda saw?" She thought she saw them. If anything is actually down here, it would have attacked and devoured us by now. "Isn't it a bad idea to camp in a low area anyways? If we get ambushed, we'll be trapped."

"Ambushed? You think there's some animal army hiding around here?" I ask. He's making me paranoid and I wish he'd stop. This isn't the kind of conversation we need to be having at the moment.

Then I hear a loud crack from the other side of the room, and Romani's voice. "Fuck!"

Now I'm afraid of the hidden animal army waiting to eat our limbs.


"What do you mean, my fault? It was your idea!" Darmani screams at Romani. Sheik and Mikau scramble over to where we are. After Romani's bright idea to yank the ladder off the wall, she, Link, and Darmani had grabbed part of the ladder and tugged. They ended up breaking the ladder just enough so that we couldn't climb back up.

Well, we could, if we put the ladder back against the wall. Someone would have to hold it so we wouldn't fall, but then we couldn't all escape.

To say it in two words: we're screwed.

"But you're the strongest one! You obviously broke it." Romani already put up with Lulu blaming her for the dark journey into the temple, and she looks like she's had enough blame.

"You and Link were pulling on the other side. You broke it just as much as I did."

"You were pulling like your muscles depended on it. You broke it!"

"It was your stupid idea!"

"If it was a stupid idea, why did you listen to me?"

There isn't going to be a happy ending in this. They might as well shut up now.

Aveil and Lulu try to calm down Romani while Link takes care of Darmani. When they both realize that yelling isn't going to glue the ladder back to the wall, they stop fuming. A silent telepathic apology sort of floats through the air in between them. I can tell by the look they give each other. It's nice that we're all calm and friendly, but we're still stuck on the bottom floor of a messed up room and we have no idea how to get out.

"Let's set up camp," Sheik announces. It sounds like a pretty good idea, but there's no way to light a fire; everything in here is damp. I'm pretty sure there's no chance of chopping down the trees either, since we have don't have the tools or the time. Good thing we have snacks that aren't that close to their expiration dates.

Darmani and Link start set up the tent. I read the directions, but I can't make heads or tails of it, so I give it to Sheik. Besides, I want to check out the rest of the room (not that it's big or anything). I move away from everyone and go towards the ledge leading further into the temple. I can't believe that the idiots who built the temple didn't make a ladder on this side. Or at least build a bridge to connect the platforms.

I move over to the corner behind the ledge. It's even darker over here, so I take out my cell phone so I can see at least a little bit of where I'm going. Then I get an exciting idea: call for help It's so simple! I quickly begin to dial Romani's home phone number and stop when I notice the service bars. Or lack of service bars.

No freaking service. I might have known. This is exactly what happens in the movies before one of the secondary characters are viciously murdered, especially if said character is isolated from the rest of the group.

But it can't be me. I'm new, and in horror movies the new person is never killed off. At least, not first.

I feel something brush against my leg. Apparently, I'm going to be the first one to be viciously murdered.

I don't scream. Any other normal person in this situation would probably scream until their throat had been slit, but not me. I just stop breathing and sweat begins to pour from my body. I clench my eyes shut and wait. Wait to be cut, beaten, raped, dragged into the dark, something. I can't bear to actually watch, and I feel like if I scream, it's only going to be worse.

Nothing happens.

I wait some more. Still nothing.

I open my eyes. There's nobody in front of, next to, or behind me. I look down on the floor for the source of the small animal that probably ran past me. A pair of yellow dots, that I assume are eyes, stare back at me.

It's totally irrational and odd, but that's when I scream. It sort of flies out of my mouth before I even bother to find out what it is I'm looking at.

I hear the tent poles clatter to the ground and someone runs over to me. "Zelda?" It's Sheik. I thought for sure it would be Link, but I can't be right all the time.

The rest of them soon rush over to see what I'm screaming about. They all look worried, but Sheik just looks annoyed.

"What?"

"What is it?"

"Did you hurt yourself?"

"What now?"

The yellow-eyed thing is still at my feet, still staring at me. I don't think it's moved since I saw it. I point down at the thing and say, "Told you so." Everyone follows my finger and looks at the floating yellow dots.

Then they laugh.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not a big deal, but it still hurts to be laughed at. What if I had been bitten by a rabid animal or something? Or one of my limbs had been chewed off? Who'd be laughing then?

Sheik is the first to calm down. Again, I thought it would be Link, but no. He's still trying to control his giggles. "Zelda, that's just a Boe," Sheik says, and covers his giggle with a cough.

"A Poe? I thought Poes were those little ghosts that carry fire and hit you over the head with something." Was it a bucket that they hit you with? No, what would a ghost need with a bucket...

"No, a Boe. With a b. They're harmless." He looks at the Boe and laughs again. "I can't believe you screamed over a Boe. Really!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know?"

"It's fuzzy!"

I lean down and touch the area of the Boe above the eyes, and it lets me. I can't see anything because it blends into the dark so well. I make contact with it's fur; it feels like silky lint, but much lighter. I could sneeze and it would probably fly across the room.

I pick it up and it doesn't show any sign of protest. It hasn't even blinked yet. "It's so cute!" I gush. Now that I know it's not going to hurt me, I can't help but notice how simple it looks. A black ball of fuzz with two yellow dots for eyes. It's practically nothing, but it's still cute in a way. I hug it and it squeaks a little bit. "It makes little noises too! Gah!"

Sheik rolls his eyes and goes back to the tent. Romani and Aveil are whispering and I catch the word "scared." I hope it's not me they're talking about. I was just a little surprised, that's all. But now that I know there's nothing down here that can hurt us, I feel much better. Especially now that I have a new friend to cuddle with while I'm here.


Zelda hasn't let the Boe out of her sight for almost an hour now. As soon as we got the sleeping bags set up, she plopped down onto hers and began cooing and tickling the thing like it's her child. I was having a nice nap until she interrupted, and I politely asked her to get the hell out and let me sleep. She responded with, "Boey and I vote you out. Two against one. See ya." So now I'm sitting in the same corner of the room where Zelda had her episode. Just to have some me-time, sitting and thinking about life's biggest questions.

Like, since when did a Boe's vote overrule my own?

Why did I give up the tent to Zelda so easily?

How long are we going to stay here?

"Why are you sitting over here in the dark?"

Wait, that question didn't come from my head. Aveil takes my silence as an invitation to plop down next to me. "Aren't you bored?" She's a few feet away, and doesn't try to touch or flirt with me in any way. Impressive.

"Not really," I mumble, still pondering my questions. Would we ever find the strength to trudge through the hallway again? "I'm just thinking."

Aveil looks at her nails, which always seem to be colored red. "Sounds boring to me."

"I didn't ask you to join me."

"I'm not planning to. I thought I'd ask you to make yourself useful and help us put the ladder back." She points to one of the trees. "Lulu found an abandoned beehive. The inside's all sticky and stuff, so we're going to see if it's strong enough to hold the ladder."

I don't think old honey and bee larvae is going to do the job, but I have nothing better to do. "I'm too comfortable. Carry me." I open my arms wide as if to hug her.

"You're comfortable on the cold, hard, dirty ground? I don't think so."

"Still. Carry me."

"How 'bout I drag you?" She grabs my hand before she even finishes the sentence and proceeds to do just that.


As soon as I wake up from my refreshing nap, I just lie there and stare at the ceiling (well, the top of the tent). I'm too relaxed to even think about moving. Too relaxed to even care about what the others are doing. Too relaxed to notice that I'm alone in the tent. The thought is enough to jerk me from my state of peace.

Where'd he go? I think. I shouldn't even be worried, since Boe is practically a wild animal. I have no control over whether he wants to stay or go. Still, I miss him already. I wonder how he got out of the tent; it's zipped shut, and nobody's been in or out since I told Sheik to get lost—trust me, I'm not that much of a heavy sleeper. I check my phone: I've been asleep for about forty minutes. I have nothing else to do and I don't feel like being around other people, so I get off of my previously comfortable butt to see where he went. The only place I feel like checking out is the corner where I found him.

It's still ridiculously dark over here; it seems to be darker than before, though I can't imagine why. It's not like there's less light in the room—which makes me think, How is the room even lit? The tunnel leading into the temple is practically five miles long and dark itself, so the light isn't coming from there.

My train of thought is broken when I step in something sticky. My first reaction is to groan, "Shit," and scrape my foot on the ground to rid myself of the dog crap I just stepped in. I don't, because it doesn't smell like crap. It doesn't feel like crap, it feels more like...gum. I lift my shoe to inspect the damage. I can't see a thing, so I whip out my always reliable cell phone to shine a bit of light on my predicament.

White gum? Who makes white gum?

I notice that there's more of it. A lot. When I say a lot, I mean holy cow, it looks like a giant pulled his ABC gum into strips and casually dropped it on the ground. The strips of gum form an odd pattern. Well, not a pattern, but it looks like a path or something. Like the ground in the middle of a forest that looks worn from so many people walking back and forth on it. But this stuff, this gum, is fresh.

I follow the trail of gum leading all the way to the wall...up the wall...wow, it keeps going and going until it reaches the ceiling. I follow it until it stops, almost directly above me. On the ceiling the gum forms an actual pattern—I mean it this time. It looks like a bunch of tiny diamonds inside a large circle.

In the middle of it is a floating skull. I figure my eyes are playing tricks on me; the gum probably just looks like a skull. By chance.

Is it also chance that the skull looks like it has hair? Exactly...five, six, seven, eight strands of thick hair colored yellow and black. The strands of hair extend evenly, four on each side of the skull.

I look at it more closely, and it seem that there's a small round thing protruding from the mouth of the skull. It looks like a Boe, but thicker...I think it's a head. I can't really tell.

I go over the information in my mind. White, sticky gummy stuff. Pattern. Skull. Weird hair. Small head. Two plus two equals...?

The small thing I presume to be its head suddenly jerks, and two red dots appear on it. Eyes, probably. They're identical to a Boe's eyes, in the way they look like someone just drew two dots on its head with a thick marker.

Part of the head begins to click. Like, two small stumps are sticking out of the head and clicking. I don't know what to make of it, and I keep staring, trying to figure this thing out. I'm starting to worry that it's another kind of demon plant, but this thing doesn't look remotely flowery. If I had to give it a name, I'd say it's a—

It drops.

The thing is flying towards me at ninety horrifying miles per hour, and though it's way high up, it'll only take a few more seconds before it crashes into me. It's close enough that I can see the two stubs sticking out of its head are fangs. Thick, large, shiny, clicking fangs. The thing is a spider. The gum is its web. It's a spider. The thing is a spider. The thing is a fucking huge spider that probably hasn't eaten properly in a while and is starving for some human intestines.

Before I faint, I make a promise to myself that I'll run as fast as I can, scream wildly for help and not faint.


An hour and a half passes, and Lulu takes the hive and throws it to the ground as hard as she can. The honey isn't sticky enough to keep the ladder steady, and only now do we realize how useless it's been. To rid our bodies of the anger and stress buildup, we take turns stomping on the thing so hard that there are no remains when we finish.

"I'm hungry," Link says. He goes to the tent to poke around inside the food bag and I follow, Mikau and Darmani close behind. For some reason, the girls aren't hungry. If Darmani is hungry, that means there'll be no food left in approximately ten minutes, so if they want to eat anytime soon, it has to be or never.

When I step through the tent's opening, Link is sitting on his sleeping bag, already munching on a bag of chips. I head for the food and take a bag of my own, plopping down onto my sleeping bag. I'm actually ready to change into my pajamas and snooze for the next few days. Who knew trying to glue a piece of wood to a stone ledge could be so exhausting?

The girls slither inside and gather on their side of the tent, immediately huddling and whispering to each other. Lulu being the loudest of them, I catch a few words from her. Unfortunately, they're highly inappropriate and I don't feel comfortable repeating them, out loud or mentally. Why they're even talking about that, when we're sitting right next to them, I can't even imagine...

"Where's Zelda?" Link asks, animatedly looking around the tent like she's hiding in the corner. He would notice before anyone else, except me; so okay, I noticed that she wasn't here the second I stepped into the tent, but hey. We're in a confined space, in the dark, and I'm pretty sure Zelda hasn't found a way out of here and escaped without telling anyone. She's not that cruel. My point: there's no need to worry about where she is. I bet she's off trying to find more Boes to hug to death.

"Probably playing with her Boe friend somewhere," I say, still shoving chip after chip into my mouth. Man, salty foods are the best.

"Oh." Link looks disappointed that he wouldn't get to lead a search party for her. "Well, I'll go tell her that we're eating." And he's out of the tent before I can even blink. Romani rolls her eyes and mumbles, "Desperate." I have to agree, as it would be blasphemous not to. The girls start whispering again, Darmani and I continue to chow down, and Mikau is picking at his toes. These chips are delicious.

When Link pokes his head through the tent door, we pay him no mind. Even when he says, "Can someone help me carry Zelda in here?" we completely ignore him. She has two legs that aren't broken, I'm sure she can walk into a tent herself. Link huffs and his head disappears, only to have his whole self clamber through the tent flap, cradling an unconscious Zelda. There were probably so many Boes that she died of fluffiness.

Link gently places her on the last remaining sleeping bag. The girls stop their whispering and crowd around her, trying to wake her up without physical contact. "Zelda?" "Yoo hoo! Wake up." "Hey, sleepyhead..." "Zel!" They snap their fingers and everything. It looks like I'm going to have to fix this. Closing my bag of chips, which is only half gone, I crawl next to Zelda and study her face. Her face is completely neutral, showing no sign of having a dream or a nightmare. She looks almost dead, if it weren't for her regular breathing and flushed face.

Wakey-wakey, Zelda. I grab hold of the front of her shirt and administer two gentle, but loud, smacks.

I've been wanting to do that for a while now.

She gasps and shoots up, clutching her face. "Ow! Sheik, you asshole!" She slaps my face a lot harder than necessary. Shit, it feels like her hand print is going to be a long-lasting part of my face. "What was that for?"

"You were really out of it," Lulu says, "so he woke you up. S'not like he punched you."

"He didn't think of poking me or something?" Zelda growls and continues to rub her face like she's in pain. "Next time you do that, you'll have a permanent bloody nose.—Oh! I just remembered, that thing. Over in the corner where I found the Boe. This big huge ugly bitch fell from the ceiling and scared the crap out of me! I think I stopped breathing or something because I just blacked out, I thought it was going to eat me—but it's still out there. Stupid thing! Do we have a big stick or anything? I want to give it a piece of my mind, I don't know how it got in here because I'm sure it would have attacked sooner, but no. It shows its ugly skull body thing when I'm all by myself. Typical."

Quite the jumbled speech. I'm the first to put her out of her misery. "Zelda, Zelda, Zelda. You stupid child. I don't know what you're talking about, stuff falling from the ceiling. Honestly, you freak out over a harmless Boe and now you're going on about bitches bungee jumping? I think you need rest."

"Shut up. I swear, it happened. It's probably still there." She crawls as fast as she can out the tent flap. "Come on, I'm not crazy. I'll show you, and then you'll see."

We don't move. Nobody wants to be the first one to get up. Romani sighs and starts for the opening. "Sure, why not?" Lulu and Mikau follow her, then Darmani, then Aveil. I'm next and surprisingly, honestly surprisingly, Link is last. He's starting to confuse me. Shouldn't he be the first one to follow Zelda? I feel like it's some sort of unwritten law.

"You coming?" I ask before I completely leave the tent.

"Yeah," he says, "yeah." He gets up hesitantly and follows me. He probably doesn't want to admit that Zelda's lost it. Sucks, because I'm ready to announce it to the world whenever I deem necessary.


My jaw drops and my mouth goes dry as soon as I'm back where I encountered the spider. "No! It's doing this on purpose, I swear! Stupid fucking smart bug!"

It's gone. The web, all of the web, the spider. All of it. Whoosh! Gone. Disappeared. Vanished. Hit the road.

I don't understand. I don't think the human brain was built to comprehend situations like this. I've never, not once, heard of a spider packing up its web and moving. Never. It's not even possible, as far as I know. Does it eat the web or something? I could understand if the spider itself had gone, all by itself, but the fact that all of the web is missing scares me.

"What?" Darmani asks. "You sayin' it picked up the web and went on its merry way?" It does sound ridiculous when said out loud, but I swear to everything decent and holy, it was there.

"I don't know how it got away," I say, looking around for holes in the wall or ceiling—which is hard because of the damn darkness, "but really, it was here. It almost ate me."

"Yes, Zelda, it almost ate you." Sheik's sarcasm makes me want to smack his crotch with a pipe. "Just like that Boe almost sucked your bodily fluids."

"Don't make fun of me, I've never heard of a Boe in my life. But I swear, I promise, I know. That spider was here, in this spot, on the ceiling." I bet the bitch is laughing at me for looking like a lunatic. I hate it when I make a fool of myself, but I'm not giving up. I know what I saw and I'll be damned if anyone tells me otherwise. Unless I really have lost my mind. I'm pretty sure I haven't; hallucinations don't just pop up in front of a completely healthy person out of nowhere.

"Whatever," they all mumble, Sheik and Lulu laughing. This sucks. This sucks so much, when I know I'm right and they think they're right and then they have to go and laugh about it like they're superior.

"Whoa."

Link, who hasn't said a single word since we noticed the missing evidence, is gaping at the other side of the ledge leading into the temple. I have half a mind to completely ignore him and go back to the tent, preserving what's left of my dignity. It's just that...y'know. Curiosity. Who can ignore it?

So I stand next to him and look at the side of the ledge. I go, "Whoa." Whoa, indeed.

Sheik and Lulu calm down enough to drag themselves over to where we are. The second they see the ledge, they stop their annoying laughter. Sheik goes "Whoa" and Lulu just gulps. Pretty soon we're all standing there, staring at the ledge that's covered in spider web.

I mean, it's covered almost all the way, like wallpaper. It's creepy, but also satisfying. There's the damn evidence right in front of them, and I should be laughing right now. But I'm better than that. I'll just settle for a smug smile and eyerolls whenever anyone of them talks to me. I think I'll talk to Sheik and Lulu like they're babies, too, since they think I'm sooo funny.

"Well, well, well," I say, getting warmed up. "Look at this. I do believe we're looking at a wall covered in—oh no, wait; please don't tell me, I've got it. Um, I have to say... is it... spider web? Yes, yes, I do believe that's it." I walk towards the wall while the rest of them glare at me. "Web web web. The wall is covered in it. And you know what? This much web could only have come from a spider the size of a cow. I think that fits with that one other thing I was going on about a while ago. I'm sure I looked crazy then, but who's crazy now, hmm?" This is very entertaining. I could do this all day. "Yeah, I thought so. The next time I say something—I don't care if it's, 'A Poe took the last chip, honest!' or 'The Deku Baba took your phone,'—you'd better damn well believe me, because I'm always right. I never say I'm right about something unless I know what I'm talking about, and boy, do I know that there's a giant bug running around trying to convince you that I'm insane. Smart fucker...or maybe the rest of you are ignorant idiots." Maybe I should stop here. I feel like I'm starting to lose control of myself.

I walk over to the web and look up. No bug in sight. I walk closer and touch the stuff. It's silky, like a Boe, but sort of rough. Surprisingly, it's not sticky, something you would except in a spider web. Well, it is, but I can easily pull my hands back, no hassle at all. I put both of my hands on it and neither of them stick very well. I say a silent, "Thank you," because if the web had fused together with my skin, I would have had a heart attack on the spot. I put my shoe on it, and when I pull my foot back, my shoe slips right off and stays stuck to the web. Weird, a web that doesn't stick well to skin. Maybe it's because bus don't have skin...

I touch the web with the sleeve of my shirt. I then try to tug it off without tearing it.

As soon as I'm free, I say, "Okay, ladies, here's my idea. This stuff is our ticket to the rest of the temple." I point up. "We can climb this stuff if we keep our clothes away from it. Skin doesn't stick. And we're going to have to take off our shoes; put them in the backpacks or something."

Their horrified expressions tell me all I need to know. Link says, "Zelda, it's a web. Y'know, a trap. I don't fancy dying at the hands—um, legs of a Skulltula." Oh, so the thing has a name now? Thanks for telling me now that there were giant spiders roaming the temple. It's really something that should've been mentioned a long time ago.

"That's tough. You all wanted to see the temple, and you've got it. I'm going whether you follow or not." I know they will, since there isn't really another way out. "Pack up the tent and let's move." I nod and walk away to grab my bags. I know what I'm doing isn't very smart. This spider is clever, giving us access to the temple; it probably has a trap set up somewhere within. Right now, I don't care. I just want to get into the temple and find the back exit. Hopefully, along the way, I'll find a big stick I can use to beat the hell out of that spider the next time I see it. I start muttering to myself. "Skulltula. Of course they don't mention it until it shows up and starts playing mind games. Flowers... bugs... does everything in Termina act human? I'm not going to another temple until I know exactly what the deal is with the residence..."


A/N: There. That whole chapter is just the first room. Lordie, we're gonna be here all year.

Now that that's out of the way, I can lounge around like the human blob I am. Nighty-night!