Trigger warning. It starts in this chapter, although it is a small snippet. The next chapter will be more detailed (but again, NOT graphic).
I normally don't ask for reviews. I feel you should review only if you feel like you want to. But this story is a difficult one for me so any of you that feel able to, please give me some indication of how it is going. Good, bad, ridiculous, whatever. I would be most appreciative.
Cal thought for a second. She was right. He was the expert at seeing things but not the greatest when it came to interpreting or understanding their meaning. "Well then I hope you can help me understand because what I saw hit me like a punch in the gut. I care about you Gillian. Seeing those things on your face, especially the fear and the shame… I'm not gonna lie, it scared me." She was looking at him like she was more concerned with what he just shared with her than she was for what she had been showing him.
"Oh Cal." He was scared. She could see it on his face. "You don't need to be-"
"No Gillian. Don't say I don't need to be concerned!" He was shaking his head at her. "How many times have you seen things on my face and come to 'check in' with me? To needle my brain and spin your magic psycho stuff to get me to talk to you?"
"Cal!" She wanted to be angry at him for saying that. But it was true. She knew it.
"You're a master at deflection. Always keeping the focus on me. Damn, you're good. I definitely haven't given you the proper credit." He was trying to lighten things, maybe get her to relax just a little. "All these years you have been a rock for me. Let me be that for you."
"You are that for me. Don't you see?" Gillian relaxed her legs and they crossed 'Indian style' in front of her. Her hands were now in her lap. "Is that what this is about? You feel like you haven't helped me enough or protected me enough? Because, if you helped or protected me any more I'd be encased in bubble wrap and never allowed to leave the office."
"No. That's not what this is about. I protect you because I care about you." He stared at her and stayed quiet until she made eye contact with him again. "I'm concerned because I've never seen on your face what I saw during that interview. I've seen you afraid, angry, scared, and even a tad guilty." He paused here to let that sink in. "But the fear I saw on your face and the shame that followed." He paused again. "What happened, Gillian? Who hurt you?"
"Cal. Look it's not what you think. It was a long time ago. I've dealt with it." Gillian was keeping her voice calm. Maybe if she could get him to see that it wasn't something that bothered her anymore he would be satisfied and let it go.
Cal hated to do it but he had to. He had to know what was going on with her, what she'd kept hidden all this time. "If you've dealt with it then it won't be as hard for you to share it with me."
"That's not true, Cal. You should know that no matter how hard you work on something or how much you think you've dealt with it, disclosure is never easy." Gillian wished she could turn back the clock and say no to dinner.
"Help me understand Gillian, please." He leaned forward slowly. He wanted to take her hand and comfort her somehow but he was afraid she would react badly, so he settled for leaning closer.
"I want to Cal, I do. I want to be honest with you…" Gillian could feel herself tensing up. 'Why is this so hard? Just say it Gillian. Just put it out there.' As much as she tried, the words wouldn't come. She felt like someone was squeezing her throat, not letting her speak.
Cal could see she was struggling. He wanted so badly to help. "Do you want me to ask? Would that be easier?"
Gillian closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The words still wouldn't come. She shook her head at Cal. She should be able to do this. She didn't want him grilling her like some suspect even though she knew he would be gentle. She was stronger than this. 'Why is this so difficult?' She opened her eyes and looked around. She needed to ground herself. She concentrated on the feel of her back against the couch, squeezed her knees with her hands. She looked up at Cal. He was sitting patiently, waiting for her to do what she needed to.
Cal could see how uncomfortable she was. It was odd though. She seemed okay for the most part, just having trouble opening up. She looked up at him. He offered her a reassuring smile and he saw her expression soften. He took a chance and slowly reached his hand out, palm up, and laid it on the couch. Close enough for her to take if she wanted to but far enough away to offer support if she didn't.
Gillian looked at his hand and then, surprising even herself, she reached out and grasped it in hers. It felt good to have the support. She immediately felt grounded. She took a deep breath. "The reason this is so hard, Cal, is because it has been locked away for so long." She looked at their hands clasped together. "I AM at peace with it. I worked through it and I was stronger because of it. I need you to understand that. Can you?" She looked at him waiting for a response.
Cal wasn't sure he understood how exactly she had supposedly worked through it when it obviously still affected her so much. But he knew she needed him to accept what she was saying. "I'll try darling. I promise."
"Okay." 'Here we go. Don't let me regret this.' "You know my Dad was an alcoholic, right?" She looked at Cal and he nodded his head. She looked back at their joined hands. "He wasn't a very nice drunk. Nor was he very appropriate." She looked away from Cal then. She found something interesting on his book shelf to focus on.
Cal saw the shame clear as day. "What are you saying Gill?" He used his thumb and drew tiny circles on the back of her hand.
Gillian felt the tears threatening. She turned her head further away as she willed herself to stay calm. She had just told him she wouldn't fall apart. Now look at her. "I'm saying… I'm saying my father abused me, Cal. That's what I'm saying." As she said that she tried to pull her hand away from him but he wouldn't let it go.
He held tight to her hand. He wouldn't let her retreat into herself. "Are you saying your Dad knocked you around? As in, hit you?"
"Among other things. Yes." 'Oh God. Why am I doing this? I should have just refused to talk to him!'
TBC
