My love, before I left, you asked what you could do to save me. I finally have an answer for you: find someone who defends you and know I am happy for you. Don't live your life waiting on me, Y/N. The best and only thing you can do for me is let yourself love and be happy. I know you better than anyone else in this world, and I know you won't want to do this, even for me. But when you meet that person, promise me you won't fight it as much as you wish to.
I love you, Y/N. And I'm sorry I couldn't be your someone.
You folded the letter by its now well worn crease. Part of you wished John hadn't known he was going to die. Maybe then he would have written to you about the nights under the willow tree or the days you hid on the rooftop. Maybe then he wouldn't have asked something so impossible of you.
Sighing loudly, you filed John's letter away back in the back of your drawer. You always wondered why John seemed so confident you would meet someone else. Why he was so confident that if he asked something of you, you would come through.
He was too late, you thought to yourself sadly. He didn't tell you to let him go until he had already become your someone.
Of course, there was a short while you tried to believe John. But in the two months since admitting John's death, Alexander began entering your mind like that less and less. It helped that Alexander had made his feelings towards Bethany clear.
And you were grateful for it as well. Everyone was less tense now that you and Alexander could hold short conversations, especially Bethany. It was just like you had told yourself: once your feelings passed, the nightmare would be over.
"Y/N?" Bethany inquired, entering your room without preamble. "Mother wishes to see you. It seemed important."
A cold feeling entered your stomach. "Alright," you replied, forcing a smile on your face as Bethany turned to leave. But as soon as she exited, your body switched into a panic.
It wasn't as if you hadn't seen or spoken to your mother since your abduction months ago. But this was the first time you had been summoned. And something in you knew enough time had passed for the other shoe to drop.
After taking a few deep breaths, you shakily stood and made your way out your door. Thousands of possible outcomes of meeting your mother swarmed your mind, each one making you more and more nervous. But one question stood out among the rest: Why had she waited this long to confront you?
By the time you reached your mother's door, you had accumulated more questions, but not a single answer. With a deep breath and sweaty palms, you slowly pushed open the door.
Your mother was seated at her desk, busy working on paperwork for what you assumed was the marketplace renovations the council had voted on last month. You waited patiently for her to look up from her work, but when it reached almost three full minutes of no acknowledgement, you cleared your throat quietly to announce your presence.
The Lady glanced up at you with an annoyed expression and then turned back to her work. It was almost a minute later when she finally addressed you, still not removing her eyes from the papers in front of her.
"Next week I have an emergency meeting with Lady Weiter outside the battleground. I won't be able to make a return trip home in time for the monthly meeting. I trust you're prepared to head it up?" As she asked the question, her eyes glanced up at you expectantly from her page. The words stuck in your throat.
She wanted you to run a sector meeting?
Your mother sighed, irritated at your lack of response. "It's a simple time conflict, Y/N. Can you head the sector meeting or not?" Her eyes held you expectantly as she gritted her teeth. She didn't want to ask you to do this, you realized. But she had to.
Realizing if you didn't respond she would rescind her offer, your head quickly began to bob eagerly up and down. With a long sigh, your mother looked back down at her paperwork waved you off with one hand. Biting your lip to hold back your smile, you spun and quietly made your way out the door. You held in your emotions until you turned down the hall to your room.
And then you couldn't seem to contain yourself any longer and squealed like a child, jumping up and down. This is what you had been waiting for. This was your chance to prove yourself to the council, and maybe gain some support. You let out a laugh and spun around in a circle.
"Okay, either you just finished a really good book, or we're having chicken dumplings for dinner: I have never seen you this happy."
The voice rang out from the door behind you and you could hear a familiar smirk in the tone. You turned quickly, a smile still painted on your face as you rolled your eyes at Alexander leaning against his doorframe. He gave you a soft smile, and his eyes were glittering as they met yours.
"Both, actually," you replied sarcastically, still laughing. Alexander scrunched up his nose in laughter in response. "But," you started again, with a sly grin on your face, grabbing his attention, "you are looking at this month's sector meeting leader." You gestured to yourself extravagantly, and Alexander's eyes widened.
When his mind finally comprehended the news, he broke out into a proud beam and exited his door to embrace you. You hugged him happily, glad you could consider him a friend again. Glad you didn't have to deal with those messy feelings anymore.
"You're going to be amazing," Alexander's voice murmured over your right ear. Your breath caught and skin prickled at the sound of his soft voice, but you refused to dwell on it. Instead, you pulled back from the hug and met Alexander's eyes once more. You wished you could read the emotion in them, but then again, you probably didn't want to know.
With a more forced smile this time, you murmured a "thank you" and turned to make your way to your room. Your thoughts changed gear as you remembered to inform Philip of the news as you shut the door behind you: your body still shaking and buzzing slightly from the encounter. Quickly, you glided to your desk, pulled out a new sheet of paper, and grabbed your pen.
The rest of the week passed in a blur. It was arranged so the day that your mother left for her meeting, Philip arrived to help with the final nuisances of heading a sector meeting. You were so busy planning everything, you saw no one but Philip for the entire week. Not that there was anyone else you wanted to see, you told yourself.
The morning of the meeting, you padded aimlessly around the estate in your nightgown. The sun was just rising, so you had a couple hours before the Ladies would start arriving. You and Philip has finished all the paperwork and agenda last night. He was probably fast asleep.
But your nerves kept you on your feet. A lot of your future was to be decided today. You were sure your mother still had plans to disinherit you one way or another, but if you received some support from the council, it would be near impossible for her to just get rid of you. You needed to win them over today. You needed them to join your team.
After your third lap, you sighed. The members of the household had already been up for awhile, and you should probably return to help begin preparations.
As you turned the corner to make your way towards your room, you met a stoic figure staring at a portrait. His sad eyes gazed longingly at the beautiful woman. With a shuddering breath, you softly walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his shoulders, embracing him in an unsolicited hug and resting your head on his soft shoulder.
"That's not her any more, Father," you whispered gently, addressing the younger form of your mother in the portrait. She looked happy and innocent. The portrait was commissioned just after your parents had married. Just after she took over the household.
Your father remained silent and still for a moment. But eventually, he shook himself out of his daydream, and turned to you to reciprocate the hug. "You'll be just as great as she was today, Y/N," he murmured softly. Tears plugged the back of your eyes, but you bit your cheek to stop them from overflowing.
You pulled back and observed your father: the ghost of the household. "You should sit in on the meeting today," you suggested, hopefully. You wanted him to be there. But he merely shook his head.
"Don't blow this because of me. Your mother will never let you near another meeting if you invite me while she's away," he chided you gently. You sighed, knowing the truth to his words. Then he leaned forward and kissed your forehead. "Go. They'll be arriving soon," he commanded with sad eyes. You took him in one last time, and then continued your walk back to your room, now with heavier steps.
Even when your mother was gone, your father was still too afraid to walk in her house.
When you opened the door to your room, Philip greeted you.
"Hey, good morning!" he said with a beam, obviously not taking in your distressed expression. "They'll be arriving soon, but I can handle the preparations. You just get changed and try to collect yourself." He instructed you so confidently, you couldn't not do what he told you. Even though you knew he wanted to be the one to greet the Ladies solely because Theodosia would be accompanying Lady Schuyler this month.
The hours before the meeting stretched into what felt like years. You had too much time to collect yourself, that you now felt like falling apart. You were on the verge of just breaking down, just to get it out of your system, when Philip popped his head back into your room.
"It's time," he said solemnly. You took a deep breath and pushed yourself off your bed. Calmly and composed, you walked to your desk and picked up your papers. This was it.
You walked into the familiar room with the familiar faces, and stood in an unfamiliar position. Taking everyone in and sneaking a comforting glance down at Philip seated at your side, you began.
"Good morning, everyone," you greeted, forcing a smile on your face. A few Ladies smiled back at you, but most looked at you warily. You ignored the sick feeling in your stomach. "I trust this meeting will go as smoothly as its predecessors. Let's begin."
You managed to keep your nerves in check for the entire meeting, bringing up the topics as listed on your agenda and mediating any discussion over them. It was slightly relieving to know you wouldn't have to make your mother's speech at the end as there were no mage users caught this month. It made your goal easier to accomplish.
Throughout the meeting you noticed you were gaining more and more looks of appreciation and trust. As the final topic concluded, you felt your heart squeeze. This was your last survey of how you had been doing.
You cleared your throat as you stood. "Ladies, thank you for joining me for a successful meeting. I look forward to working with you all more in depth in the future." You noticed two Ladies pointedly avoiding your gaze, but the rest smiled approvingly. Your heart soared and you felt a weight lift off your chest. Unconsciously, you glanced down to your right, but your eyes went a person back from Philip: Alexander.
He beamed at you and your heart buzzed, but you refused to react to it. Honestly, you had forgotten he had been there most of the time throughout the meeting. The meeting had required so much of your attention. But now… Now your attention wasn't directed to anything besides him. Your cheeks warmed.
You were jolted out of your thoughts by a strong clap on the back. You turned around-where had all the Ladies gone?
"Y/N, you've been standing there for ages. Come on, come celebrate! You did so well!" Philip grinned as he spoke and you couldn't help but smile back. His joy was contagious.
"Alright," you said, reluctantly acquiescing. You snuck a glance back at Alexander, but he was already shuffling out the door. Philip pulled your attention again, and you painted a smile on your face as you followed him out the door.
Philip, Theodosia, and you spent the better part of the rest of the day churning through seven bottles of your household's excess wine. Since your mother had begun believing being intoxicated would increase a person's chances of being seduced by mages, the three of you knew exactly when to take advantage of the free alcohol.
You giggled at Theo scrunching her nose as Philip said something to make fun of her. The library was quiet as you watched the sunset, and you laid flat on the floor, feeling the weight of the wine clogging your mind.
"Y/N?" Philip asked, returning you from your thoughts. You turned your head and hummed in acknowledgement, but Philip and Theo looked at you expectantly. You realized they must have asked you a question.
"I'm sorry, what?" you mumbled through your slurred voice. This time, it was Theo who spoke up.
"We were talking about our lunch tomorrow," Theo explained, a hint of seriousness to her tone. You sat up concerned.
"What about it?" you inquired with a frown.
Philip and Theo exchanged wary glances at each other before Philip sighed. "We know you won't be too keen on the idea, but we think you should bring Alexander."
You stared at them for a long time and then finally shook your head. "No. Alexander will not be attending lunch with us, ever," you responded with finality.
Theo looked uncomfortable as she began to speak. "Y/N, you know he's a perfect match. You need to invite him," she replied firmly. You gave them both a helpless expression as your cheeks began to flush uncontrollably. To hide a bit of the color, you laid back down on the floor and covered your face with your hands.
"Fine," you finally gave it. "I'll ask him," you grumbled, wondering how exactly you were going to manage that and then deciding it was a problem for tomorrow: when you were sober.
You sighed loudly and sat back up. It was now dark outside. Philip and Theo began standing up beside you and you watched them. They looked down at you and each gave you a small smile.
"You did amazing today, Y/N," Philip told you for what felt like the hundredth time. You stood up and gave both of your friends hugs. "Go get some sleep," he commanded softly. You gave a small smile as him and Theo walked out of the library holding hands.
You clenched your eyes shut and cleared your mind of all the voices bothering you. And then you began walking towards your room.
But instead of heading to your room, you impulsively turned down the next hall and sloppily climbed the stairs at the end of it, giggling the whole way. You wanted to be up with the stars after today, you thought with a smile.
When you reached the top of the staircase, you swung the heavy wooden door open without ceremony. The breeze of the night wind greeted you with the warm summer's night, and you smiled at the sight of the stars, stepping out onto the rooftop.
Your mind was still mostly sober, yet registering things slower. Something was off. Something was different. And you couldn't quite-
"Alexander?" you whispered when you noticed his figure to the side. He sat at the edge of the rooftop, staring at you frozen. Your mind second handedly took in the half empty wine bottle sitting to his right. But mostly, you took in his eyes.
They blended in with the stars.
Your body began to vibrate with a happiness you weren't sure you were allowed to own. But you wanted this. You wanted to end this night with Alexander-your friend Alexander-on this rooftop. With a small smile, you glided over to Alexander's perch and sat down beside him.
He still stared at you, wordless.
You gave him a questioning look. "Is something wrong?" you asked playfully. But he continued to stare at you like- Your eyes widened.
Stupid, Y/N, you thought to yourself. He was in love with Bethany, and he thought you were- Well you weren't, but him thinking it was enough to make you realize how stupid you were being. You closed your eyes and shook your head slightly.
"I'm sorry, I should-" you cut off your mumbling, with your hands pushing you up to stand. Your cheeks flushed red, embarrassed. How could you let yourself become so obvious in your intoxicated state? You half considered just jumping off the rooftop if it would allow you to escape faster.
But as you were halfway standing up, Alexander jumped into action. "No, wait! Y/N! P-please. Sit with me, I'm sorry. I won't-" He cut off uncomfortably, as his cheeks began to match a hue of your own. His unfinished sentence hung in the air.
I won't tell Bethany.
You knew you shouldn't have sat back down, but you couldn't help it. An awkward silence passed between the two of you as you both just stared ahead into the night sky. You were very acutely aware of his body's presence next to you. And suddenly, you needed it to not be quiet. You needed to not be able to hear where your thoughts were going.
"Do you come up here often?" you asked softly, glancing up at him shyly. His eyes met yours with an unreadable emotion.
He was silent for a moment before he responded. "I try to come up here as many nights as possible," he finally responded. You nodded and then actually absorbed his answer.
You wrinkled your nose confused and held his gaze. "Why?" you inquired noisily. "I get the charm of the place, but wouldn't coming up here all the time take away from it a little?"
He seemed to relax a little that you were settling into your usual banter, and he considered you question. "Not necessarily. This is my favorite place to just think," he responded softly. "It's my favorite place to create stories, and that never gets old."
You gazed up at the stars and could feel what he was describing. Unconsciously, you began to lean more into him, and he stiffened a little, but didn't make any protest. And you realized you just wanted to listen to Alexander talk. About anything. You wanted to hear him tell one of his stories in his place.
"What's your favorite story?" you asked dreamily. His entire body grew rigid, and you pulled away from him, furrowing your eyebrows.
He looked at you petrified. And then tried to force himself to relax as he shook his head.
"You don't want to ask me that question," he finally said softly. Your eyebrows raised, inquiring an explanation, but he refused to give any.
You huffed, playfully annoyed. "I didn't want it to come to this," you commented. His eyes questioned yours, and you shrugged your shoulders. "It's going to have to be one of my questions now, if you refuse to answer."
It took him a few seconds to register you were talking of your deal in captivity. You had two honestly answered questions left. He was sent into a panic.
"W-why would you want to waste one of your questions on that?" he asked, genuinely confused.
You took him in and shrugged your shoulders again. "You're not answering it, so now I'm more curious than anything," you answered lightly, but upon observing his terrified expression, you frowned. "What is so secret about this story? What could be that bad about it?"
He shook his head again. "Y/N, I promise, you don't want to know."
You gritted your teeth. "Well, I'm going to get to know anyways," you demanded. "It's one of my questions, so… spill." Why did you always end up angry at Alexander? Were you even angry at him? Or yourself?
He clenched his eyes and sighed. He was silent for a long while, and then opened his eyes and stared into the night, refusing to meet your gaze. "It's a story about a stall boy who meets two beautiful and well-endowed sisters."
Your skin turned icy in the warm night as you stared at Alexander. "You are horrible, did you know that?" Alexander looked up at you with surprised eyes, and you began standing up furiously. "You owed me a truthful answer, and you pull this shit on me?" You sense a bit of confusion in his eyes as he scrambled to stand up after you.
You knew you were overreacting, but you couldn't hear what he was about to tell you. You had thought you were doing better. Turning your back so you could hide the tears, you began stalking towards the door. It was just the wine, you told yourself. You had to be doing better. You couldn't be pining after Bethany's Choice for the rest of your life.
"Y/N, I am being honest, please," he cried out behind you. You froze and collected your thoughts. You could face this, focus, you told yourself. With an icy glare, you turned around.
"Well, congratulations that your real life is a damn fairytale, then," you responded coldly. His eyes widened as you continued. "Was this just to get back at me? To prove you're so happy with Bethany?"
He shook his head. "What? No. It's not like that."
You gritted your teeth. "Then tell me what it's 'like'," you demanded sarcastically, trying to stop the tears from pooling over. You were over him, you kept repeating to yourself. The nightmare had ended. It had ended.
"In this version of the story, the younger sister doesn't Choose the stall boy," he confessed quickly. And the two of you were at a standstill.
You stared at him angrily until you could find the words. "Is that supposed to make me feel better?" you growled. "That you would rather be anywhere but with Bethany? That you wish you were just never Chosen?" Again, his eyes widened at your words.
"You think I don't want to be Chosen?" he asked incredulously. You raised your eyebrows as a confirmation and narrowed them as he almost began laughing. "Y/N, that's not how it ends either," he explained carefully. Slowly, his face began to shine beet red.
"Then how does your wonderful, spectacular, fairytale life end, Alexander? Please, enlighten me," you inquired bitterly. Your jaw was set like stone.
He hesitated and took in your angry form. Cringing, softly he said, "In my favorite version, it's the elder sister who Chooses the stall boy." It took a moment for the words to register.
And then all of your anger evaporated out of you.
You gazed into his sad eyes; they were staring back intently. A voice inside you was screaming "He wishes you Chose him!", but you couldn't allowed yourself to listen to it. Your unrequited feelings you would eventually get over just became real. Your body began shaking.
"You're right," you whispered softly. His eyes lit up in anticipation, and you cringed. "I didn't want to know that."
His expression plummeted at your words; you felt sick to your stomach. But you gritted your teeth and kept your expression neutral. You had to end this before this started. You couldn't do this to Bethany. And you especially couldn't do it to yourself. You had to let him think what you knew he was thinking, even though you wanted to scream that he was wrong.
His eyes avoided yours as he mumbled an apology. You stood stoic as he moved to walk around you to escape.
"Let him go" you repeated to yourself over and over again. But as he passed, he glanced up at you with those sad, beautiful eyes. And something in you cracked just enough to let him in.
You froze and let him walk a few more steps. But eventually, you couldn't hold it in any longer. "I wish I would have Chosen you, too," you confessed, the words tumbling out of your mouth too fast to stop them.
The sound of his footsteps ceased, and you cringed. Gradually, you turned to face him with his helpless eyes to match your own. You couldn't believe you ever thought you would be able to let him go.
He took a step towards you, and you refused the urge to back away. "Say it again?" he pleaded desperately as he edged closer to you. Your words stuck in your throat as you stared at him. Suddenly, his arm was wrapped around your waist, with his other hand toying with your hair. You closed your eyes and tried to focused on breathing, but all you could focus on was Alexander's breath on your cheek.
"Y/N?" he asked, begging you to respond. But your mind was overflowed with too many emotions. Alexander was too close.
You managed to form three words you needed to say. "Don't kiss me," you instructed. Your eyes met his hurt ones as he gently dug his fingers deeper into your hair. You stifled a moan and looked at Alexander seriously. "Please, don't," you whispered again, shuddering under his touch and allowing your arms to snake around his back.
His expression seemed wounded as he inquired why. His forehead connected with yours and you subconsciously leaned closer into him.
"It'll change everything," you whispered hoarsely. He let out a small chuckle.
"Aren't we a little past that?" he asked sadly. It honestly had never occurred to you that you were. How could you be too far gone already when just this morning everything was under control?
You shook your head. "We can't be. For Bethany. We can't," you repeated to yourself, and Alexander let go of you with a small grimace. Tears pooled in both of your eyes as you both refused to acknowledge how unnatural it felt to not be embracing. You took a shuddering breath, and lowered your eyes from his.
"I-I should… then…" Alexander half-heartedly pointed towards the door, and began walking.
You could feel your world shattering around you as you watched him walk away. It wasn't supposed to feel this way. You were supposed to be relieved. You had done the right thing. You had done the right thi-
Alexander's hand touched the doorknob, and your previously forgotten alcohol consumption came storming back into your mind; you were completely intoxicated. And so was he. And of every moment left to come in your life, this could be the only one you would have an excuse to make a horrible mistake.
This could be your only chance to be with Alexander.
And just like that, your mind had flipped a switch you had thought you had hidden. All these months, you had tried so hard to keep it from yourself. But now you couldn't help what happened next. Your body was propelled into motion.
"Alexander," you called out. He turned around just in time to catch you.
The force of your body crashing into his slammed the door shut behind him. His rough lips pressed against yours as his hands roamed your lower back. Your fingers began tangling his stupidly soft hair and pulling slightly. He softly ran his tongue over your lower lip, and you gasped slightly, which he took as his cue.
Leaning down slightly, his hands grabbed your upper thighs through your dress and lifted you up. Immediately reacting, your legs wrapped tightly around his waist, pressing your bodies flush to each other. He spun you around, and you gasped as your back hit the wall beside the door. Before your mind could begin processing anything, however, his lips were once again connected with yours and you lost any thoughts that may have been forming.
After what felt like years, you both stopped to breathe, and your eyes met. And you both knew. Despite your intoxicated state, you were too sober to continue. Slowly, Alexander dropped your legs and took as step back as you kept your back pressed against the wall. Both of your were breathing heavily and looked at each each other helplessly. Alexander ran his fingers through his hair and cringed while you wrapped your arms around yourself to hold yourself together. Then without another word, Alexander roughly pulled open the door beside you and exited the rooftop.
You stood there for a few moments, trying to gather your thoughts, and then sank slowly to the ground, holding yourself the whole way. As you sat with a thud, sobs began racking your body uncontrollably.
"Shit!" you screamed into the silent night. You curled your arms around your knees and buried your head.
You had officially sealed your fate as the worst sister to ever grace the world.
