Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, sadly. Well Melanie came from my own head...

Rated: M

My very first fic ever, PLEASE be kind, I'm sorry if it sucks.

Summary: Alex heads out to a bar at the behest of her best friend. Her life will never be the same.

Notes: The talk didn't turn out the way I had ORIGINALLY planned but I guess sometimes when you're writing a plan can go out the window too. ;) I hope, even if it didn't turn out how you wanted that you'll hang in there with me. I hope you all are continuing to enjoy the story. As always, reviews make me a happy writer. Well nice reviews, mean ones make me sad. ;)

Olivia's POV

It's been a week, no, two weeks? A month? Truthfully I'm not sure, avoiding Alex tends to mess up one's grasp on time. I know it feels like it's been a million weeks but I also know that's not true. I never realized how much I saw of Alex until I had to purposefully not see her. I'm not sure I've spent so much time finding interesting things to stare at on my desk ever. Every time we needed a warrant and the captain searched the room for someone to volunteer I instantly found my files fascinating. I basically did whatever possible to keep from being called upon if it involved Alex. There were those few times where I had no choice but to see her. The line-up was easy enough, "counselor" "detective" an identification and she was gone again. Trial prep was harder because we had to say more than one word to each other but some how we both put on our "let's get this over with" hats and managed to make it through as quickly and painlessly as possible. Of course in order to do that we had to completely ignore everything that had happened earlier that week, but sweeping under the rug seemed easy enough as we both silently agreed to do so. Court wasn't too bad either because we were in public and we were both far too professional to let our personal problems show up on the stand.

I've spent my days pouring myself into work, if I wasn't focused on it then it never happened, right? At night it was harder to deny. At night when I close my eyes I'd see Alex. In the quiet of the night I could hear her. Sometimes I was sure I'd smell that mix of baby powder and Alex. It was like sweet torture the memories of what I had were beautiful, the torture of knowing I would never have that again was, well, torture. Working was the only way to distract myself so I spent even more time at the precinct than before, which seems impossible. That's where I was when my phone buzzed alive. I'd been so engrossed in work that the phone jumping to life startled me, but what started me more was what was flashed across the screen. I had a text message from Alex. If after a week or so of silence between the two of us wasn't enough of a shock the message itself was a real doozy.

We really need to talk. Are you free? -Alex

For a moment my heart stops. She wants to talk? Now? About what? Well, I mean, I know what about, or least I'm sure I know what she wants to talk about but she wants to do it now? I don't know if I want to hear her say she wants nothing to do with me. I think knowing without hearing it is hard enough. Her telling me that she wants nothing to do with me might break me. I don't know if I can do this now. I consider not answering, I can claim I finally got a chance to go to sleep before one am. I think about lying, telling her I'm at a scene but then I know she'd know that was a lie eventually when she hears nothing about the supposed case I'd be working. Maybe I can be out on a date. Who am I kidding, she'd see right through that too. I swipe my thumb across the phone and am taken to the text messaging screen. I read and reread the message over and over wondering what to respond. I want to lie so I can avoid this all but I can't lie to Alex, I'll never be able to lie to her.

I'm at the precinct working on 5s. Planning to head home soon. Should I call once I'm home?

I hit send and try to focus on the DD5 staring at me but my eyes keep peering over to my phone as though it won't buzz when I get a response. Though I don't want to see the response, whatever it might be, I'm still willing it to light up. Perhaps I'm hoping to see something like, "I changed my mind, let's go back to ignoring everything" though I doubt that will flash across my screen anytime soon. After a few more minutes of waiting my screen finally lights up.

I'd prefer to talk in person.

Tonight? I send back.

If possible, yes.

She wants to talk tonight? I don't know that I want to talk tonight but then again I'm fairly sure I won't have a time when I really want to talk about this. Perhaps it's best to just get this over with. The sooner it's over the sooner I can start attempting to be okay with it all.

Sure, I can be there in about 20-30 minutes.

As I'm packing up my stuff and heading out my phone lights up one more time.

That's fine. See you then.

Alex's POV

"You did what?" I hear Melanie's voice shouting into my ear. I'm not sure if she's shouting because it's loud where she is or she's upset with me. "What part of our conversation did you interpret as talk to her tonight after, what, an hour of thinking? Have you even had a chance to think about what you want or what you intend on saying? Have you thought this through Alex?"

I can't answer her. I don't have the answers she wants, at least not right now I don't. She interprets my silence as the answer that it is. "Listen, get off the phone and use the few minutes you have to attempt to put your thoughts together. Try to be honest with yourself about it all and hopefully you'll be honest with her. I don't know what else to say Al, just, good luck I guess." And with that she hangs up leaving me to contemplate whatever I can in the next while until Olivia shows up.

I take the time I have to change out of my sleepwear and into a pair of jeans and a simple v-neck tee. I waste more time by roaming through my apartment cleaning what little there is to clean. Once I've done everything I can to waste time I sit on the couch and wait. I'm not sure I've ever been this nervous before. I decide to make myself a drink. Tonight will not be one of those nights like the last time I was drinking in the presence of Olivia but I do need a little something to sip on and help take the edge off. I grab a tumbler out of the cupboard and drop a few ice cubes in and pour a few fingers of scotch over the ice. I swirl the liquid around in the cup as I walk back to the living room grabbing the phone as I walk by. I sit down and take a long sip of the amber liquid and let it burn down my throat. I dial downstairs to let the evening doorman know to let Olivia up I'm nervous enough, I don't need those last few minutes it would take to let her up and for her to get here because those extra minutes would possibly push me over the edge. With that done I have nothing left to do but wait. Again. The silence begins to get to me so I opt to turn on the living room stereo. A few flicks on the remote and I'm playing a classical playlist in the hopes that maybe the soothing music will help calm my nerves. If it does I don't have time to notice because shortly after the music starts playing there's a knock at my door. I take another long sip of my drink before sighing and tentatively making my way to the door. When I reach the door, I know I have no choice but to open it. I take a deep breath to steady myself. I quickly peek through the peephole to confirm it's Olivia and once that's confirmed I turn the knob and pull the door open.

Once the door is open and no longer standing between us we both take a moment to look each other over. I feel a bit like a fighter sizing up my contender though as I look closer at her I see the fatigue and strain in her eyes along with a shadow of fear. I don't know if it's because she's here to talk or if she's just that tired but she isn't holding herself like she usually does. Her shoulders are sagged just enough that a stranger in the street wouldn't notice but someone who knows Olivia would. For the first time since our argument I realize that it's possible this situation hasn't been easy for her either. That while she's not struggling with her idea of her own sexuality, she too, is still fighting her own battles. For the first time since our argument, I don't see her as something that is causing me anguish or confusion but instead I see her as the friend she was before we slept together. And as her friend, I can see that she needs her friend Alex tonight. We still need to talk, I can't fool myself into thinking I can get out of that but right now Olivia needs warmth not the analytical to the point Alex I'd thought I'd be. Neither of us have moved yet so I grab her by the arm and pull her into my apartment.

"Come inside, you look exhausted," I tell her as I nearly drag her into my apartment. As I shut and lock the door I hear her mutter a quiet somewhat resentful, "Gee thanks."

"I'm sorry Olivia, I didn't mean that the way it came out. Do you want me to hang up your jacket?"

"Sure," she says as she hands me her jacket. I turn to hang it up and when I turn back she hasn't moved from her spot. I walk past her hoping she'll take the hint to come with me and she does. I lead her towards the kitchen as I speak over my shoulder to her.

"Can I get you something to drink? Have you eaten at all today? And don't lie to me Olivia." I turn to her when I don't hear an answer. She's just looking at me with tired eyes.

"Alex can we just get this over with? Just tell me you want me to leave you alone unless it's work related and let me go home," she says to me before casting her eyes to the floor. As Olivia's friend, my heart breaks for her. While I'm still not one hundred percent sure of what I want to say to her I know it's that I don't want to have just a working relationship with her. I'd miss my friend Olivia too much.

I sigh, "Olivia, I didn't ask you here to tell you to get out of my life. I... Look, please come all the way inside and let me fix you some food." I can see she's about to protest so I cut her off with my hand and continue, "I have leftovers from tonight that I can warm up it's no problem at all and you can eat and then we can talk ok?" She remains silent and unmoving. "Please?" I ask her. Only then does she finally nod and walk to the other side of the kitchen bar where I'm standing and pulls out a stool and sits. I thank her before turning around to make her a plate of leftovers. Once the food is in the microwave being warmed up I turn to her again and ask what she'd like to drink.

"Oh I don't care, whatever you've got is fine." I refuse to let her be a passive player in tonight's evening.

"Well," I start, opening the fridge, "I've got beer, Diet Coke, bottled water, orange juice, tea, tomato juice, white wine." I close the fridge and turn to look at her before continuing. "Red wine, and I can list the contents of my liquor cabinet which is fully stocked and I will if you don't answer me." I finish my list by pinning her with my stare though I make sure it's not my courtroom stare but rather a stare that I hope will convey to her that I'm serious about listing my liquor cabinet.

"Okay, okay. A beer would be great." I give her a smile and a nod before grabbing her a beer, opening it and setting it down in front of her. Just then the microwave alerts me that it's finished so I grab the food from the microwave and a fork and set it in front of her.

"I'm going to get my drink from the living room. Do not try to run away and unless that food is molten lava hot I expect to see that you're actually eating and not staring off into space," I tell her before walking to the living room. I take my time expecting that she might need a moment or two alone because I know I certainly do.

Olivia's POV

When Alex opened her apartment door to her apartment I nearly turned away and ran. It's not easy forgetting how beautiful Alex is but after a week of seeing her very rarely somehow I'd managed to push from my mind exactly how stunning she is. Surely if my feet hadn't been stuck to the floor I would have ran. Seeing her and knowing what is about to happen makes me want to throw up. Maybe this wasn't a good idea, maybe I should have lied about being free.

We stand there staring at each other for a few minutes before she grabs my arm and pulls me into her apartment. After giving her my coat she starts asking me mundane questions about drinks and food. Why does she feel as though she needs to drag this out? I ask her if we can just get this over with, I don't want to be here any longer than possible and who knows how long I can keep my tough face on. She tells me that she didn't ask me here to tell me to get out of her life and I can't control the hope that maybe I was wrong about her plan for tonight. That thought only sticks for a very short moment before I bring myself back to reality, she would never want to BE with me. She offers me food but I don't want her to go out of her way for me. When she says please I give in. I could never deny her anything. Only once I'm seated at the bar across from her does she start to warm up her leftovers. When I give her a noncommittal answer about what I'd like to drink she lists everything in her fridge then threatens to list her liquor cabinet contents too. When she pins me with her stare I realize she really will list her liquor cabinet so I give in and ask for a beer. After I'm settled with a beer and food she warns me not to leave as she's going to get her drink from the living room.

I don't think I could leave if my life depended on it. For better or worse I need to be here, I need to hear what she has to tell me. I still don't believe that she won't tell me to leave her alone for good but I still can't leave. As I wait for her to come back I poke at the food on my plate. I still feel like throwing up, my nerves are running rampant. As I wait for the food to cool I can't help but think about the fact that this is the first time I've ever had a meal at Alex's. I can't help but think that this could have been our friendship, we could have been friends who do dinners together, who have girl's nights in but instead this is more like my last supper. I'm still poking my food when I hear her coming back to the kitchen. I quickly load my fork up with food and stuff it into my mouth as she walks by me to refill her drink. Once she's done she turns around and leans back on the counter sipping her drink and watching me.

I wonder what she's thinking. When she looks at me does she see someone who has ruined her life by sleeping with her? Does she see someone she'll be forced to work with against her will? Does she want to get this over with as much as I do? I know she's being kind to me but I'm sure it's just her manners that require her to be so polite.

God I want to believe her when she says she doesn't want to kick me out of her life but it's so hard to believe that could be true. There's only one way to find out is she meant it or not. I finish eating quickly hoping the talk is next. Before I can take my plate to the sink to clean it she grabs it and does it for me. Once the plate has been thoroughly cleaned, dried and placed back into her cupboard she looks at me.

"Let's talk in the living room. Would you like another beer?"

"Sure," I tell her. She grabs another beer from the fridge and hands it to me before walking towards her living room. I quietly follow behind her. She sits on one end of her couch and for a brief moment I have no idea where I should sit. Where is the appropriate place to sit when someone may be telling you bad news. She must see my dilemma because she looks towards the other end of the couch and asks me to sit. I walk over to the other side of the couch and sit, angling myself towards her. For a moment we both just stare at each other.

"Alex..."

"Olivia..." We both start at the same time.

"I'm sorry, go ahead," I tell her.

"Listen Olivia. I meant what I said when I told you I didn't ask you here to tell you to get out of my life. But we do need to talk. I'm not gay Olivia."

"I know, you told me," I tell her.

"Right, of course I did."

"Alex, if you want me to just forget anything ever happened I'll try. For you." I don't tell her that it might be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do or that it might break me to do so but if that what she wanted, I would sure as hell try for her.

"I don't know that's what I want. I don't really know what I want but I don't think either of us could just forget anything happened. I'm struggling Olivia. I'm not gay, I can't be gay, I don't like women like that. I've dated men my entire life, only ever been attracted to men but then you and I sleep together and..." She looks away from me seemingly not able to make eye contact with me. "And I keep having these dreams. And I don't want to have these dreams because I can't be gay."

All I can do is sit and listen to her. I don't have an answer for her, I can't tell her that she is or isn't gay. I can't tell her it's okay, that's not my place. So I just keep quiet and let her continue.

"My friend Melanie, she was at the bar that night, she thinks that while I'm not attracted to women in general, it's possible I could be attracted to one. You." When she says me my heart stops. I want her to say she's decided that's okay and let's live happily ever after but I know she won't. "And perhaps she's right, but I don't know that I can do anything about it. My life isn't simple enough that I can live it just for me. So even if Melanie was right and it was just you that I was attracted to, I don't know that I can just let that happen. I can't chance what might happen to me, to my career, with my family just because I find one woman attractive. But I also know I can't lose your friendship. I just don't know what to do about it all. I don't know how to handle all this."

"In a perfect world how would you want to handle it?"

"Does that really matter? It's not a perfect world and the choices I make affect me in THIS life. Would it be nice to even just have the option to try to figure it all out in reality not just in my thoughts? Sure, but it's not that simple."

"But it could be if you wanted it to," I say quietly. So quietly I'm not even sure she heard me.

"Olivia..." she starts, but before she can continue I cut her off.

"Sorry I didn't mean to say that out loud. I know it's not that simple."

"I really wish it was that easy but I can't spend my whole life as the epitome of a straight woman and then one day throw all that out the door because I might be attracted to another woman. What if I were to go through it all, chance my career, my family, everything and have it not be real at all? Just a figment of my hormones?"

She looks at me with pleading eyes. I'm not sure if she's pleading for this all to go away or pleading for me to prove her wrong or what but I can't stop myself as scoot myself closer to her never breaking eye contact with her. I lean myself slowly into her space, giving her all the time she needs to move away from me and when she doesn't I press my lips against hers. She stiffens for just a moment before relaxing into the kiss. Only then do I pull back a few centimeters and wait until she opens her eyes. When she does I see a softness in them that I'm not sure I've ever seen. She closes them again and leans the few centimeters back to me and presses her lips to mine. She opens her mouth just slightly, not enough to fully deepen the kiss but enough to allow me to capture her bottom lip between mine. I gently put pressure on her lip with my own and though I wanted to let her control this kiss I can't help but run my tongue along her captured lip. She lets out a soft sigh and opens her mouth allowing my tongue access. I run my tongue across hers hoping that with my kiss she can feel how right this is. How real it is. Reluctantly I pull back and wait for her to open her eyes.

"That was real for me Alex. You can't tell me that wasn't real for you too."

"Olivia... I..."

I cut her off, not wanting her to say something just because she feels like she needs to fill the blank air. "I'm going to go Alex, I think I should give you some space to think without worrying about what you're going to say to me. We're on speaking terms again," I say with a smile, "we can talk more when you're ready." I get up from the couch and walk to the door without giving her time to answer. She follows me silently. I instruct her to lock the door after me and tell her goodnight. Only after I hear the locks turn do I walk down the hall towards the elevator.

Alex's POV

I'm not sure the talk went the way I planned. I didn't really have a plan but I'm fairly sure kissing her wasn't ever in any plan I had. But I did. Well she did, and then I kissed her back. I can't deny that when she kissed me my heart fluttered a little. And I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel right because it did. It felt right and it felt real. But that still doesn't mean I can just give in and be gay. I wish sexuality weren't such a political thing but it is and it's an issue that will affect every aspect of my life. But I still won't be able to deny how it felt to kiss Olivia. Damnit, what the hell am I going to do?