Chapter 8
A/N: School is really tough. Sorry for the late update, guys. :(
Steve watched as Natasha settled herself beside him on the bed. He wondered what she meant when she said "Red Room Training" earlier.
He decided to break the ice.
"You know, when I was a kid, I was a scrawny and sickly one."
She sat up and met his gaze.
"I know. I'm a spy, Steve. I've read all about the life of my teammates."
This didn't surprise him.
"Funny thing is you know almost everything about us, but we, maybe except Clint, don't know anything about what you've been through."
"Trust me, you don't want to know."
"But I want to... I need to, Nat." He pleaded, reaching for her hand.
"You'll never look at me the same way again if you'd learn about the things in my past. I've done terrible things, Steve. I've been carrying this guilt for so long."
She was breaking inside. Things she has done came flashing in her head.
"Then it's time to unload. I'm here to listen, I'll never judge you." He squeezed her hand and gave her a warm smile.
Natasha studied him, she found herself being pulled towards him by an unknown force, she knew she was safe with him and then finally, she opened up.
"I'm an orphan. My parents died in a house fire in Stalingrad, Russia. I survived the fire because my mother threw me out of the window and a Russian soldier, Ivan Petrovich, rescued me. He took good care of me that I thought he was an angel until he brought me to the Red Room. At first, I was glad, because we- there were 28 of us- were trained to be ballerinas, I've always loved dancing." She smiled at the memory.
"But months later, things started to turn bad, when the mentors in the Red Room thought we were already graceful ballerinas, the real thing started." She paused and took a deep breath.
"I was just five years old then. We were tortured, they trained us like soldiers that I thought I would die because of pain, but I didn't, I wish I did. When other children were playing, laughing and enjoying their childhood, I already mastered using a gun. I made my first kill when I was 8." There was a lump on her throat, she thought she can't continue talking, but to her surprise, she found her voice.
Steve moved closer to her.
"It was terrible, for months I can't forget the look on my victim's face when I pointed the gun at her. My mentors tortured me whenever I cried, they said crying will make you look weak and so is loving and caring for someone."
She stared at him, not knowing why exactly she's telling her secrets to him this easily.
"You said there were 28 of you. What happened to the others?" He asked.
She took a deep breath, looked away for a second and turned to meet his gaze.
"I did."
She knows how to control her tears- she can stop herself from crying, she mastered the art of doing that- but she let her tears fall down from her eyes, she let Steve see this side of her.
She never cried in front of anyone, not even Clint. But what is it about Steve Rogers that makes her feel this way? She wondered.
"I killed them, Steve. I killed them to survive. I killed my friends. I'm a terrible person."
Tears fell down endlessly from her cheeks.
Steve's heart ached, he never saw her this vulnerable before.
"You were just a child, Nat. They manipulated you."
"Things got worst. I was raped when I was fourteen. They gave me missions and I've carried out each of them efficiently. By the time I was fifteen, I'm already a ruthless assassin, I never missed a target, I followed orders without question. I have a very specific skill set, I didn't care whom I used it for, or on. I killed men, women and even innocent children. I was responsible for what happened to Drakov's daughter, the destruction I caused in Sao Paulo, the hospital fire where hundreds of people died..." She trailed off as Steve wiped the tears away from her cheeks.
"The list could go on and on, Steve. There's too much blood in my hands. They turned me into a killer, a monster."
She looked down and closed her eyes.
"Hey...look at me." Steve held her chin, their gazes met. "You are not a monster, Natasha. Everything you did was because of them, they're the ones to blame."
He hugged her tightly.
"I got on SHIELD's radar in a bad way. Clint was sent to kill me, he made a different call. He saved my life, he gave me a second chance. I owe him a debt I could never repay."
He hugged her until she stopped crying.
He let go and faced her.
"Then I owe him, too." He said, she didn't understand what he meant by that, she was not thinking straight-her past has always affected her, big time- instead, she smiled genuinely.
"Thank you."
"I'm always here. And guess what?"
She looked at him and raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"What I've heard didn't change a thing the way I look at you. Nothing will." He said as his piercing blue eyes stared at her. Her heart melt and ached at the same time.
"Because you only heard a part of it. If you'll know everything, trust me, you'll hate me."
She pulled the blanket and lied down, turning away from him, facing the door.
She closed her eyes and tried to push everything related to Red Room away from her mind, but she can't.
"I'll never hate you. Just remember, I'm here for you. I'm here when you're ready to talk about it."
He kissed her forehead.
"I love you." His mind shouted, but he couldn't say it right now.
It was hard for both of them to fall asleep.
Natasha kept on remembering things from the Red Room, horrible things.
Steve's mind kept on looking for possible reasons that could make him hate Natasha until he drifted away from reality and fell asleep.
Natasha turned to him, watching his chest rise and fall, watching him sleep peacefully. She got up slowly and kissed him, she closed her eyes when their lips met. A tear rolled down her cheeks when she thought of how good he is and how evil she is.
"We can't be together." She thought.
She pulled away and opened her eyes, her tear fell on Steve's cheek. She wiped it away with her thumb. She rubbed her thumb on his cheek, careful not to wake him up.
She looked at him lovingly.
"I know I shouldn't, but I love you." She said as if he can hear her.
She stayed awake through the night.
A/N: Thanks for reading! :)
