Story: The Nobel Laureate
Chapter 8
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: Jed and Lizzie disagreed over her Halloween costume; Abbey's patient's emergency surgery kept her from going trick-or-treating with her daughters; Bill Niederlander died on the operating table after Abbey insisted she take him back into surgery when he developed an infection from his first operation a day earlier
Summary: Abbey breaks the news to Bill's widow, Arlene; Jed is upset that Liz is mad at him; Jed tries to comfort Abbey when she doubts herself
Feedback is always appreciated!
There were only a few things Abbey hated about being a doctor. The tedious paperwork was a minor annoyance. The long hours away from her family always filled her with regret. But, more than anything else, the times that she hated her job were times when she was hit with the cold hard reality that even as a doctor, she couldn't play God.
Patients like Bill Niederlander were her favorite. The charming man with a vibrant spirit and a zest for life had a caring wife and two grown sons. He needed a simple procedure, Abbey had told the family. But she should have added that when it came to surgery, no procedure was truly uncomplicated. If she had, at least they would have been better prepared to hear what she had to say now.
It was a long walk to the elevator that evening. An even longer wait after she pushed the call button. She held it together, willing away the cloud of moisture that threatened to pour from her sad emerald eyes. It wasn't the time to allow tears. Not here. Not now. Only at home would she dare to lose her composure and confront the shattering blow that came from losing a patient.
Until then, she'd fight to remain calm.
Once she was secure behind the sliding doors of the elevator, she leaned against the silver railing on the side and like an uncontrollable force of nature, a wave of emotion caused her to nearly lose her balance. Her posture manipulated by the unexpected twinge in her heart, she pulled the little red knob that would stop the vehicle just as it began its descent, jerking her body so hard that she fell forward, crashing into the wall in front of her.
Instinctively, her hands shot out from her sides to cushion the impact, and when her palms came to rest, she pulled herself together, tilted her head back slightly, and sighed. She cleared her voice then, refusing to surrender to the intrusive lump that had formed in her throat.
She didn't cry or lose control, for she knew that abandoning protocol for even a second to entertain the feelings churning inside would distract her from the task at hand. So, she curled her lips together, dabbed the tip of her finger against her bottom lashes to dry any sign of tears, pushed the little red knob, and continued the journey down to the family waiting room, where she'd talk to Arlene Niederlander and try to explain the events that led to her husband's death.
As compassionately as possible, Abbey directed Mrs. Niederlander to a private area. The older woman turned several times along the way, entranced by the doctor's sullen expression and the faded smudge of mascara Abbey had neglected to wipe just under her lashes.
Arlene listened carefully. It didn't take long for all the ten-syllable words to melt into a jumble of meaningless jargon she couldn't understand. Her voice cracked when she lifted her head to ask, "Was he in any pain? Could he feel it?"
"No. He wasn't awake. He didn't feel a thing." It was small consolation for the new widow, but it was all Abbey could offer.
Arlene collapsed onto a chair and Abbey stopped talking. For one brief moment, she put herself in Arlene's situation, but the despair was overwhelming. The hopelessness that came from the thought of ever losing Jed painfully clawed at her core until she banished it from her mind. That's when she reached out a hand to the jittery woman beside her in a failed attempt to offer her some comfort.
Arlene's rejection didn't sting. Quite the opposite, in fact. It was expected.
When Abbey returned home later that evening, the morbid thoughts from earlier surfaced her once again, but she counted her blessings to drown them out as she watched Jed rocking Zoey to sleep in her room. Leaning back onto his chest, the toddler was cuddled up on his lap. Jed's feet hit the ground softly to rock the oak rocking chair while one of his arms held Zoey around her tummy.
His other hand turned the pages of the book 'Goodnight Moon' as he read to her in a soothing tone. "Good night, moon. Good night, stars. Goodnight, air. Goodnight, noises everywhere."
He looked down to see Zoey sleeping soundly. Abbey lingered in the doorway for another second, but left just as Jed rose to his feet and tucked Zoey into her bed. He didn't need to see her to feel her presence. One whiff of her familiar perfume and he knew she was home.
After covering his daughter with her favorite pink blanket, Jed made his way downstairs to see his wife. She had already stripped out of her hospital scrubs and was now wearing her maroon silk pajamas as she retrieved two mugs from the cupboard in the kitchen.
"Hey," he called out to her when she didn't notice him spying.
"Hi." She glanced back briefly, then returned her attention to the milk warming on the stove. "I'm making you a cup too."
Jed walked to her side. He suspected something was wrong, but he couldn't tell by her demeanor alone. He cupped her chin to lift her head, knowing one look into her eyes would answer his question. Her expressive orbs always revealed her deepest thoughts and tonight, they were bathed in a sea of misery.
She had lost her patient, he deduced. "I'm so sorry."
"I did all I could."
"Of course you did." He placed both hands on her shoulders, then let them fall to her upper arms as he pulled her into a hug.
"I mean, it is possible I missed something yesterday during the first operation, but in the O.R., tonight, I did everything right."
"I have no doubt about that, Sweetheart. People die sometimes. I don't believe, for a minute, you missed anything, neither the first time nor the second time."
Abbey pulled away and stumbled back against the counter. "You're more confident than I am. It's Halloween. I've been up the past few nights working on the kids' costumes. I've had a lot on my mind and very little sleep the past week. So, it's not out of the question that I did something wrong yesterday."
"Do you want to talk it out? Walk me through it, so I can prove to you this wasn't about anything you did or didn't do?"
She shook her head. "Not right now. I don't want to think about anything but us right now. I just want a cup of warm milk and I want to go to bed in your arms."
"Okay."
Her hands were shaking, so Jed took the mug from her and poured the milk himself. Then, with his fingers nestled on the small of her back, he guided her upstairs. Along the way, he snuck a few pieces of candy into his pocket, dropping them onto the bed before he set down his mug to fetch his sky blue pajamas from his drawer.
"Is that Ellie's or Zoey's?" Abbey asked.
"It's yours," he answered. "Just because you missed out on trick-or-treating doesn't mean you have to deprive that sweet tooth of yours."
"Thanks," she replied with a smile.
"Were the girls asleep when you checked on them?"
"Ellie was out. Lizzie was finishing up her homework."
"She had a lot of math tonight."
"She told me."
Jed fumbled with the buttons on his shirt and said quietly, "She's mad at me."
Abbey's feet hung over her side of the bed. She set her mug on the nightstand and twisted her back to look at him. "She told me that too."
"I tried to make it up to her, but she won't talk to me and the funny thing is, I don't think I was wrong. If you would have seen what she had on, Abbey...I mean, the thing went down just below her hips and she was popping out at the top. I know you wouldn't have approved of it either."
"I probably wouldn't have."
"Also, she just threw it at me at the last minute. For weeks, she's been saying she wants to be Wonder Woman for Halloween. She's been talking about nothing else. Then, you take her shopping, pick out the costume, she tries it on and models it for me, I say great! I was perfectly happy with her choice. You spent hours doing all those alterations for her. And for what? She just decides that it isn't good enough five minutes before we walk out the door?"
"Sounds a little strange, I agree."
"Strange? No way was this a last minute decision. I don't believe that she just suddenly had a change of heart. She had this planned. She bought that French Maid costume a week ago because she thought she could get away wearing it if she didn't tell us ahead of time."
Abbey flipped her legs onto the bed and watched as he draped his pants over a chair and stepped into a pair of sweats. He was talking so fast, so nervously that all she could say was, "Yeah."
"If she wasn't happy with Wonder Woman, she should have told us. She should have come to us and said 'hey, all my friends want to wear something a bit more grown-up.' I'm not saying I would have gone for it, but she would have had a better chance of getting her way than she did by hiding it."
"I think you're right."
"It was a boy-girl party. I just didn't feel right letting her wear something so revealing and her duplicitous behavior did nothing to inspire confidence in what she told me about the party itself."
"But you checked on that right?"
"Yeah," Jed conceded with a little bit of guilt. "I talked to Kim's parents. I made sure they were going to be there the whole time and that there was no drinking or anything else going on. Liz was telling the truth, of course. I didn't really doubt her for more than a second, but I had to be sure. It wouldn't have been the first lie she told tonight."
"What do you mean?"
"She came downstairs dressed in her winter coat. I asked her about it and she gave me some song and dance about being cold, told me her Wonder Woman boots and her headband were already in the car. She didn't admit the truth until I told her we weren't leaving before I saw what she had on underneath." He fluffed his pillow and threw it against the headboard.
"And that's when she showed you?" She pulled the covers back for him.
He crawled into bed, pouncing his pillow once more. "Reluctantly. So, yeah, I was a little annoyed. She ambushed me. I don't think she would have tried it if you were here, which only pissed me off more. But I didn't refuse to let her wear it because I was angry. I really didn't. I genuinely felt it was in bad taste."
"Who are you trying to convince, Jed, me or yourself?"
"Both of us," he admitted quickly.
"Because I don't need convincing. I know when you lay down the law with the girls it's for the right reasons. I've never questioned that."
"She told me the other girls were planning to wear similar costumes."
"And did they?" Abbey asked.
"No." He punched his pillow this time. "Turns out, they have parents too."
"Then why are you feeling so bad about this? None of her friends wore risqué costumes. It sounds to me like you handled the situation perfectly. Why are you feeling guilty?"
He stared at her, speechless and surprised. "I'm not feeling guilty. I was in the right. I have nothing to feel guilty about."
"Jed, you're talking a mile a minute, you beat the hell out of your pillow, and you're more than a little wound up. So, I repeat. Why are you feeling bad about making her take off the costume?"
"The pillow was uncomfortable, that's all."
"What's going on?"
"Nothing."
Abbey sank down to rest her head on the bed. "Try again."
"Abbey."
"You did the right thing. She told us she wanted to wear one thing, then changed it at the last minute and tried to hide it from you. If you thought the second costume was inappropriate, you had every right to make her wear the one we agreed to weeks ago."
"I know."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't like it when she's mad at me."
"She's been mad at you before."
"Yeah, but it's usually over in a few minutes. At the very most, a few hours."
"This will be over soon."
"I don't think so." He sat up in his spot, his back pushed up against the frame. "I checked up on her. I've never done that before."
"By walking her in and talking to Kim's parents?"
"Yeah. That's why she won't talk to me. She said I don't trust her."
"Because you wanted to make sure she wasn't bending the truth about the party the way she did about the costume. I would have done the same thing."
"Maybe, but I don't like her thinking I don't trust her."
"Well, for what it's worth, she didn't mention the trust thing to me at all. She seemed to be angry that she didn't get to wear her costume more than anything else, but let me ask you. Do you? Trust her, I mean?"
He stopped for a minute, then replied honestly. "Yeah. I do. I think she has a good head on her shoulders and I don't think she'd get herself in trouble. I was just thrown by the costume thing tonight, but deep down, yeah, I trust her. I just want her to trust me."
"To trust you?"
"Yeah. I want her to feel comfortable coming to me and telling me that she wants to be a French Maid for Halloween." Abbey stared at him skeptically. "Okay, so I wouldn't have been all that receptive to the idea, but she didn't even give me a chance. I want her to feel okay telling me stuff. I don't want her to be one of those kids who's scared to talk to her parents."
"She's a teenager."
"I know she is. But she and I have this bond. Ever since she was born, we've been extremely close. Why does that have to end just because she's a teenager?"
"It won't in the end, but right now, she's going to want her space."
"It's more than that. There's something different. She doesn't come to me like she used to and I understand that. I can get over that, but I kinda hoped her teenage years would be different than mine. I hoped she'd feel like I was her friend, not an obstacle constantly blocking her path."
"Jed, you can't always be her friend, especially now, at this stage in her life. She already has friends. You have a different role, a more important one"
"I know that, but..."
"You're a kind and loving father and she respects you for that. You're the one who's going to screen her dates to protect her and keep her safe. You're the one who's going to make sure she does her homework even when she doesn't want to because you're going to be looking out for her future. You're the one who's going to love her and support her just for being who she is. That's who you are. Her father. Not her friend."
"Why do the two have to be mutually exclusive?"
"Maybe in a few years, they won't be. But right now, being her parent has to be enough because you can't be her friend." Abbey cradled the back of his neck and brought him in for a kiss. "But I love that you want to be."
"I can still live in my own fantasy world though, right? Where you get to handle all the discipline and I get to be 'Mister Cool Dad' who takes them out for ice cream and showers them with sugary sweets?"
"What's wrong with me being 'Cool Mom' for a change?"
"It doesn't roll off the tongue the way my thing does." His arm wrapped around hers, Jed settled back down, forcing Abbey to lay down beside him. "Besides, you'd never spoil them with candy."
"I didn't realize that was a requirement."
"Now you know." When she slid her back against his front, he curved his frame to accommodate hers, holding her tightly across her stomach. "But just between us?"
"Yeah?"
"I think that's what makes you a cool mom."
"Spread the word on that, will you?" Abbey stroked his arm.
"I'll do my best."
"Are they mad at me for not showing up tonight?"
"They were disappointed," he said sincerely.
"I'm never going to find the balance, am I? I'm never going to be the mother I want to be because I decided to be a doctor instead."
"Hey, it's not an either-or thing. Where is this coming from?"
"They're going to resent me well into adulthood. They're going to think back to the Halloweens I couldn't be there, the Christmases I was on-call. They're going to hate me."
"Abbey, you stayed up all night to glue crystals and glitter to Zoey's Hershey logo. You stitched their costumes, you showed Ellie how to do her hair to make her look like a picturebook reflection of Alice in Wonderland. That's what they'll remember. Even at this age, they understand what you do, Honey. They understand that you save lives."
"That's not what I always do," she said too quietly for him to hear. After a few minutes of silence, she squirmed to push herself back against him. "Jed?"
"Yeah?"
"I had to tell a woman tonight that she'll be spending the rest of her life alone. Her husband died on my table. And ever since he did, I've been wondering what I could have done differently."
Jed leaned forward to place a kiss on her shoulder, then tightened his grip around her waist. "It doesn't always matter what you do. If it was his time..."
"That doesn't help. You should know that. It didn't help you when your father died." She immediately regretted reminding him of something that was still so raw. "I'm sorry."
"There's no reason to be. You can bring up his death without making me sad. I can face the fact that my father is no longer here. I've come to terms with it."
Surprised, Abbey turned herself to look at him. "Have you?"
"Sort of. Every day gets a little easier. It will for your patient's wife as well."
"I don't know about that," she said, laying back down and curling up with her back to his front. "They were married for thirty-seven years. How does one pick up the pieces after a loss like that? I mean, if anything ever happened to you..."
"Shh. Don't think about it."
"It's all I can think about. You should have seen the agony on her face. Her life changed forever tonight and it's because I couldn't do what I was trained to do. I couldn't save him."
"You're a doctor, Abbey, a damn good one. But, Sweetheart, you can't save them all."
"Whenever I leave the hospital, I always think about you, about how I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to hear about your day or to tell you about mine. All the way home tonight, all I could think about was that Arlene Niederlander has no one waiting at home for her."
"I know." He kissed the back of her head.
"I'm never going to stop asking myself if I did the right thing."
"The surgery?"
"She didn't want him to go back in. I insisted."
"You did your job."
Abbey shook her head. "My job was to save his life."
"That's what you were trying to do."
"Trying isn't enough. It was out of my hands, I know that. It's just that you study for all those years and you sacrifice so much time with your own family because you want to help people. You want to prevent death. And sometimes, you can't. You have all the tools at your disposal, but you lose the battle anyway. Then you get to explain to a 60-year-old woman why her dear sweet husband died on the operating table. And you know the worst part?"
"What?"
"Sometimes, you can't even do that because, sometimes, you don't know why. I went over everything in my head. I replayed it a dozen times and I still don't know what kind of infection he had. I don't know why he got so sick after yesterday's procedure or why his heart stopped on the table tonight. I can't give her the answers she wants."
"The autopsy will tell you that, right?"
"Yeah. It's just that I should know. I'm supposed to know."
"Abbey." Jed breathed her name as he affectionately turned her around to face him.
Her arms now resting on his chest, Abbey refused eye contact. "Sometimes, I really hate what I do."
"Sometimes, I hate what it does to you," he whispered into her ear when she plopped down on top of him and dipped her face into his shoulder before he even had a chance to see her.
She was so quiet that had it not been for her petite frame trembling in his arms, he may never have known she was crying. He held her closer then, stroking her hair for a full hour until her body relaxed against his and she fell asleep, wrapped securely in his embrace until morning.
TBC
