Chapter 8 – Perspectives
When I woke up the first thing I saw was a clock by the bed with charming red lights to indicate time. I grabbed it as though someone might steal it, wrapping it tightly to my chest. In my half-asleep state, my temporary preoccupation with time seemed paramount. Exhaustion lingered, and I lost another four hours to the confines of the satin bedding.
A second glance at the clock had me forcing myself into a sitting position. Ten o'clock. The light pouring through the curtains indicated daytime. I was pleased to see the sun, even if it was shielded by the dark, billowing fabric.
The beams of daylight played peek-a-boo, each gust of air flapping the material enough for them to shine through. I lazily made my way to the window and pushed the curtain aside. The full force of the wind, combined with the intoxicating view, stole my breath away. Spring in Argentina. Blooming jacaranda trees pleased me with their purple hues. The buzz of traffic and passersby reminded me that I was no longer isolated from civilization, nor was I protected by the surrounding undergrowth of the Amazon rainforest.
Dragging my eyes from the sight before me, I turned to survey the room. It was elegant, yet inviting. Was I in someone's house? Was it an apartment? I didn't remember being deposited there. I couldn't imagine Kachiri being involved with this kind of luxury. While she was reformed, as all her coven was, this was beyond her comfort zone. How deep was her involvement?
Moving back to the bed, I noticed a piece of paper on the floor. I must have knocked it off the nightstand when I hastily grabbed the clock. Once I finished wiping the remainder of sleep from my eyes, I bent down to pick it up.
Dear Renesmee,
Please stay where you are until he comes.
Kachiri
Where was I, and who was he? I was in no hurry to meet anyone in my current unkempt state. The full length mirror spoke truths Rosalie hadn't fully made me aware of. I looked like a wild, untamed beast. Not vampire. Not human. I couldn't even pass for a member of the pack. I was something completely different that desperately required pampering.
Unsure whether I would be disobeying Kachiri's instruction to 'stay here', I curiously ventured out of the bedroom. A small sitting area connected to a kitchen with no wall separating. A gigantic picture window framed the front wall and easily filled the entire expanse. Gliding toward it, mesmerized, I saw the open door at the side - a bathroom. This is where I needed to go.
The hypnotizing smell of soap pulled me through the wide door. I wasn't disappointed. Two options existed: a shower stall and a deep, jet-driven bathtub. I opted for the shower. While the water wasn't as fresh as my waterfall, being able to clean myself in the closed, protective space offered privacy I had forgotten the joy of. I frowned as the debris of the rainforest poured down the drain. It felt like I was losing a part of what I had gained with the Amazon Coven.
Pulling the white cotton robe around myself, I sauntered back to the bedroom. I wrapped it tighter as I passed the window. If I could so easily see out, someone might just as easily be able to see me. I wasn't in the mood for a peep show. I had a call to make. Laughing to myself, I wondered if Dad had the cell phone glued to his hand in preparation for a ring that could happen at any time. Would he be angry I had waited so long?
Maybe they had forgotten all about me. Two months was a long time, and though it had flashed by for me, it might have seemed endless for them. Why was I procrastinating? Was I afraid of getting in trouble? It was rude of me not to let them know I was safe and sound, content even. Better late than never. Or was the fear something more, something unthinkable?
What if no one answered? I wanted them to love me eternally and more than anything. I selfishly didn't want to imagine no longer being the center of their universe. If they'd filled their lives with something more important in my absence, it was because I'd expected and wanted them to; I didn't deserve them.
It took me starting to grow up to realize how truly childish I was, how self-absorbed and uncooperative my first years were with them. Being without my family revealed how I had neglected to think about anyone other than myself. Would they notice the difference? Would they appreciate the control I had found?
My desire to speak to them outweighed my concern that they were beyond wanting to speak to me. I keyed the number incorrectly three times before using speed dial. One click connection. I swallowed hard, nerves shooting up my throat.
It didn't even ring. Well, it seemed like it didn't. He answered instantly.
"Renesmee?" spoke a familiar voice, which caused my vision to blur from relief and adoration.
I hadn't realized quite how much I missed him until I heard him. My brain had put up a protective block, and in hearing his voice, I was reminded of how very far away my home was. My eyes were an instant faucet, and I tried with little success to turn off the tap.
"Hi Dad," I replied, hoping the words were coming out in an even tone.
Keep it cool. You don't want to worry them.
Crashes of excitement followed, and I listened to everyone talking all at once. Their voices were a little muffled, but it seemed like Dad was purposely refusing to share me by using speakerphone. A million questions were thrown at me, too many to possibly attempt responding to.
Home sweet home was the absolute chaos that often engrossed my strong-willed family members. At the main house there was constant movement: cleaning, games, and other tasks. I had missed the busy bees far more than I was ready to admit to them.
"Please," Dad said calmly, more to the vampires swarming around him than to me. "We can't all talk at once."
"The webcam!" Alice exclaimed.
The others chattered in agreement. I heard quarrels and small scuffles about who would get to be closest the computer screen. While positions were being assigned – Grandmother stepped in and assigned seats – I tried to figure out what I was going to wear.
"You'll want to get dressed," Dad suggested, as if reading my mind.
I didn't look for my backpack, which was the only piece of luggage left with clothes in it. The other suitcase was empty, everything inside having been either stained or shredded beyond repair. I'd left it behind.
"The armoire is stocked," Dad added.
He had said 'armoire' so casually that I didn't speculate at first. Instead, I shifted my view to the side wall and cautiously continued toward it.
I had overlooked the antique desk in my previous investigation. The computer was already set up and powered on, the monitor holding the perfect picture of the three of us on its flat screen. It only held my attention briefly.
I quickly closed the gap between me and the closet and swung open the tall, heavy doors. The smell of cedar welcomed me, and I blinked rapidly at the contents within. A row of neatly hanging clothes filled the space. Several pairs of shoes lined the bottom. Although mostly new, they were all mine. I immediately recognized the scents. Greedy for the smells of my family, I stuck my head in further and took in a deep breath of home.
How...It was also in that precise moment that I clued in to how strange the concept was that my clothes were there. Am I dreaming? If I'm dreaming, you can hear me, right? There was silence. Right, you can't hear me. I argued a little with myself, acknowledging the fact that my refreshed longing for my family was altering my normally apt mental state.
"How did you know I would come...here?" Wherever here is.
Dodging my question, Dad replied, "Get dressed and go to the computer, we'd all love to see you."
I put the cell down long enough to throw on some clothes. I found the oak dresser drawers full of more of my things. Tilting my head to the side, I considered how and why my things were brought there.
My will to figure things out was collapsed by the sound of anxious voices. I could hear their eagerness to begin though the phone was on the bed a few feet behind me. I tried to shove away the escalating paranoia as I lifted the phone back to my ear. My revived emotions were going haywire.
Mom explained how to activate the webcam function once I took my position in front of the laptop, and within minutes nearly all of my vampire family was visible to me. If I could have crawled through the computer screen to touch them I would have. I set the phone to speaker so my hands were free, and I spent a few minutes simply looking at them in an attempt to take everything in.
"My clothes?" I asked suspiciously.
In retrospect, Rosalie and Emmett were the likely culprits, having been recently in the area. They could have planned ahead, Zafrina giving them the details of my eviction that would lead me to Buenos Aires. It seemed logical. If that was the case, then why were their scents the weakest? I had smelled each aroma, savoring the flavors of my family, but if Rosalie and Emmett had taken part in the presentation, why did I barely smell them? Shouldn't their scents have been the strongest? Why wouldn't my family just tell me the truth instead of flipping through some log sheet in search of appropriate canned responses?
There were enough of my things there to leave me wondering if they intended to let me come back. The thought made me frown. Did no one want me anymore? A chill crept up my spine. Didn't I want that? Wasn't distance the whole point of the exercise?
"Fed Ex," Alice sang in response, almost like she could see ahead to what I was feeling.
"But..." I shook the disoriented thoughts from my head, realizing how visible my confusion was on my face. "How did you know? You can't see."
Was I that predictable? Is that why my family knew so readily where to send their care package? I didn't want to think that they were planning my future from so far away. Yet I had no idea how to alter my course in a way that was my own, in a way they wouldn't be ready for. Alice couldn't see my future, but that didn't stop them from hypothesizing. There were only so many roads I could take, and each path was well laid out.
"It was a calculated guess," Mom answered reasonably. "This location will be pivotal...in your journey."
"That doesn't answer my question," I countered, ripples of anger forming under the surface.
They were dodging again in an attempt to keep something from me. Their evasion caused my mind to doubt safety – mine and theirs - and even more so their affection for me. Had they stopped loving me?
"We sent things to other places too," Jasper announced. "Prospective destinations."
"We spread everything out," Grandfather added. "So that no matter where you ended up…"
I only heard 'everything', and it felt like a portion of my heart had shriveled up. They were trying to completely get rid of me. My hand moved quickly to my chest, and I wondered if that was the same feeling Grandmother had when something upset her. Is that why she moved her hand in the same fashion, to sooth away the ache?
"You would always have a piece of home with you," Grandmother added, finishing his sentence for him.
It was like they had rehearsed the conversation. The enhanced illusion of the webcam made them look like robots. It wouldn't have surprised me to find out they were reading from a script.
I closed my eyes and tried to imagine Jasper using his ability to calm me. I felt the warmth work through my senses. The relief was instant, and I wondered for a moment if he had found a way to transmit the sensation via electronic device.
When I opened my lids, the surprise on his face made me realize he wasn't directly affecting me, but that didn't stop him from recognizing the instant shift in emotion based on the removal of tension from my face. I had pulled from a special room inside my head reserved for him. Now that I knew where the door was, I could call on him again should the need arise. He leaned closer to the screen, as though perplexed.
"Was this your master plan?" I continued. "To lead me here and purge yourselves of me?
They were pulling puppet strings that let me think I was evolving into something unexpectedly better, all the while guiding me where they wanted me to go - which was apparently away from them.
"No," Mom argued. "Of course not."
"I didn't like the idea of you going without," Grandmother admitted. "This is my fault. I didn't have the heart to let you go, not completely, without making preparations."
Grandmother offered a reasonable response, and I knew her figurative heart was far too swollen with love to push anyone away. I sighed a little, hoping it was the beginning of a real conversation with them instead of the script they were using. They didn't want me to come home.
Why didn't they miss me as much I missed them? I thought they would be there at my adventure's conclusion, that the choice to go back would be mine, and they would welcome me. I wasn't prepared to coerce my way back into their lives. Maybe a break from my consistent tantrums showed them the life they could lead without me in it.
If the closest I could get to them was a computer application, I would have to be content with it. I couldn't look at the screen, didn't want to see the truth in my speculations. While still in physical control, I tried to think of ways to justify their actions that would keep my heart from completely breaking. I had left a floor littered with eggshells in my wake, and I had given them time to clean up the mess. I wouldn't want to clean up the mess again if I were them.
"You shipped my clothes all over the world," You got rid of everything. "Thank you for the kind thought." You don't want me to come back.
"You're welcome," Mom replied before my tears could spill over. "We had to make room, anyway."
Make room for what? Something new to focus your energies on? Something that you will get more out of than you got out of me?
"I replaced everything," Alice chirped enthusiastically. "You will need new things for the new you."
"Oh," I said, slightly embarrassed by my overreactions.
Their absent love might very well have aided me in strengthening control where my gift was concerned, but my emotional refrain wasn't syncing. The up and down rollercoaster caused a brief stint of dizziness, and I took a few moments to open Jasper's door inside me, letting his gift force the calm my common sense lacked.
"Did you see Rosalie and Emmett?" Grandfather asked, sidetracking me.
"Yes," I told him."They are bringing back the first of my journals for you to read."
"Delightful!" he exclaimed. "I'm in need of some new reading material."
When I tried to ask about the wolves, they redirected the conversation back to me. I was sick and tired of secrets and evasion. They had always responded to everything I had ever asked without holding anything back. Something had changed. Whatever they knew, they weren't sharing. Something was going on, and everyone seemed to be in on it but me. I was beyond paranoid.
Dad was quieter than normal, at a loss without his attribute to find the truth in my thoughts. He had no way to tell how much I knew. It terrified him and pleased me. The more nervous he grew, the more exhilarated I felt.
"They left on a good note?" he asked, trying to make the words casual. "Rose and Emmett, I mean."
I narrowed my eyes in having caught the accusation in his tone. This was something they couldn't control and an outcome they couldn't alter. I saw the shift in Alice's expression. She was looking for them. Nonchalantly, she moved forward and rested her hand on Dad's tense shoulders. They instantly loosened. The stiffness I hadn't noticed from the degraded screen was now clearly visible in its absence.
"Is that what this is all about?" I snapped at Dad. "Your lack of faith in me?"
Confusion afflicted the group, and I realized not everyone knew what Rosalie had intended. It wasn't my place to share her secret. Whether it was right of her to keep or not, it was her secret. Zafrina was right; I was too open, even with my family - especially with them. While they would never harm me, I could hurt them in endless ways. I did so often and without thought. I needed to maintain accountability for my actions, think about outcomes instead of simply spouting off at the mouth and forcing my visions on others. I needed to borrow some of Rosalie's propriety and refrain.
"I'm very tired," I lied. "I should go."
Immediately, they were all hovering and saying goodbyes, blowing kisses, and waving in the direction of the camera. No one wanted to linger. There was something more than the seven thousand mile distance keeping us apart. I didn't have the strength or continued reserve to pry it out of them, so I closed the laptop and temporarily severed the connection.
Looking behind me at the bed, I felt guilty that it was in such disarray. I didn't remember being such a restless sleeper, but it had been a long time since I was able to stretch out into the comfort of a mattress. When reformation of the bed was complete, I fluffed the pillows to finalize the presentation.
It was then that I noticed the box on the bedside table. Since when was I so scatterbrained? I picked it up and decided against shaking it. The weight indicated something delicate, and I didn't want to risk breaking the contents within. Sheathed in a foam holder was a silvery band, twinkling gems placed methodically across the surface. There were different hues in every crevice. The circular center opened to a watch face, and I felt a strange sound erupt from my throat. Purring, I eagerly slipped it over my wrist.
Perfect. It was absolutely perfect. There was no note, signature, or claim made by whoever had left it there. There was only a tiny card indicating it was mine. Someone just outside eye's view knew a lot more about me than I knew about them. They seemed to have noticed my new preoccupation with time.
I'd never met anyone with precognition like Alice before. Maybe she had an equal in one of my kind, someone who knew I would need the watch, someone who saw me coming a long time before I ever stepped foot in Buenos Aires.
I returned to the main room, sitting by the picture window for a while. I was pleased by what I could see in the people who passed. My room looked to be on the third floor, making me fairly confident it was an apartment complex.
It wasn't difficult to pick out the tourists scattered amongst the locals, with their wide-brimmed hats and sun-screened noses. Blending in with them might be easier than I'd hoped. My attention span was short; theirs was shorter. When assigned a task, I could achieve absolute focus, but it took great willpower and strength to accomplish. Distraction was omnipresent, my human weakness tipping the scales and creating imbalance. My chalky appearance would be easily forgotten.
A child passed by, hands gripped strongly by her parents. She reminded me of a miniature version of Leah. They could have passed for sisters, or mother and daughter. It was like looking at a flashback from when times were less complicated for her. I wanted to write to her, to tell her how things were going.
Guiltily, I wondered how many trips she had made to the main house to check for an email from me, forced to endure their presence without anything to show for it. Vampires made her skin crawl, and I had stopped trying long ago to get her to see beyond what they were on the outside. Inside, they were something else, something she didn't have the strength to see.
My family had no news to report about me either, which would have been the second reason why she chose to go there instead of a public library. How often had she been disappointed by the empty inbox, and how long would it take before she stopped looking?
I missed her, missed her strained expressions and how she tried to pretend she didn't like me; yet I was nearly the only person on earth she wanted to be around. We both realized that and accepted it. We had each other, and no distance could weaken our friendship. Lack of communication, however, might.
Determined to get all the formalities of touching base out of the way, I sat on the uncomfortable computer chair. My fingers easily found the keys. I kept things vague, knowing more than one pair of eyes would examine the words. I hoped they made sure to pay extra special attention to the disclaimer. The next email, if Leah replied to this one, might hold more detail. My intention was to provide an open channel for communication. I hoped the bridge hadn't collapsed from lack of use. Weakened, it had room only for two.
Hey Leah,
How are you? Give Seth a kick and a kiss from me - in that order please. I heard he sort of took a tumble. Sorry I couldn't be there. It's probably better they didn't tell me, because I would have made Mom turn around. Then I wouldn't have anything to write to you about!
Things are good here. I can't adequately describe the things I've seen, but I know you would enjoy them too. I will figure out how to take pictures with my phone and email them to you. I think you would like that. I have a feeling I might be here for a while.
The rainforest was wicked - very wet and woody. You would have fit right in there. They sort of kicked me out. Well, not really kicked...more like gently nudged me toward where I am now. I didn't really recognize myself near the end. Living in the wild really isn't for me. You are naturally pretty. I think my beauty is the sort that has to be maintained, something I have to work toward. I will SHOW you what I mean when I come home.
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write you. I genuinely lost all sense of time. I didn't realize how centered life is around clocks until I lost two months in the blink of an eye.
I am somewhere in Buenos Aires. I guess it should scare me that I don't know where, but it doesn't. After all, I did want to draw my own conclusions.
It's different being away from home, not bad, just different. I have to make new routines, new plans.
Anyway, I guess I had better go learn about people! That's my next venture - learning more about humans. Wish me luck!
I will keep you updated. Please write me back when you get a chance.
Sincerely,
Nessie
Disclaimer – The intended recipient of this email is Leah Clearwater. No one else has permission to view the contents within. I promise that any information given to her will be nothing that I do not feel you should know. Please respect my privacy in this request. I trust you enough to leave further emails unopened. Thank you for your attention in this matter.
I fidgeted in the chair, annoyed at how it swiveled back and forth with the force of my typing. Of all the clothes my family sent, I would have traded them all for my chair. Maybe it had nothing to do with the chair at all. I had never been this far away from Jacob, or his scent, for this length of time. I was comfortable with the sensation of being stalked; I felt sort of alone without it.
Yet this is what I had asked and demanded from my family - separation. I'd gotten what I wanted and more. Fate had interlaced our strings together. Pulling one moved the others. It was my fault everything was knotted now. I had some untangling to do.
The next phase forward would require more concentration. Defining myself would mean focus, trial and error, and a little luck wouldn't hurt either. Whowas I? Unfortunately, I couldn't browse through a magazine of pre-designed personalities, pick something cute out, and send it back for a refund if I didn't like it. I returned to the window to watch the humans. Maybe they could give me some sort of guidance about my options.
A soft knocking interrupted my contemplation. Someone was at the door, possibly the same someone who owned the apartment I was invading - my mystery gift-giver. I hoped I was dressed well enough to give a good impression. At least I had made the bed.
Taking a deep breath, I walked in the direction of the door, steps toward an unknown future. I was ready for it and feeling strong in everything I had gained so far. As I clicked free the lock, I realized that being prepared didn't make greetings any less menacing.
As I pulled the door open, I felt my jaw drop lightly at the vision before me. Whatever preparation I thought I had done, however ready I thought I was, I was wrong. I couldn't have been more wrong. I almost slammed it back in his face.
