Author's note: Warning, this is a very, very heavy chapter. It touches more explicitly on Dean's childhood so warning for that. More will be explained in the next chapter, but I hope you all enjoy this update! As always, reviews welcomed and very appreciated!
"I want to push Dean a little further tonight." Seth says as Roman enters into the asylum for his shift. He isn't even fully done locking up his person belongings when the doctor slides into the locker room, looking absolutely pleased with the situation.
"You've been saying that a lot lately." Roman begins as he pins his hair up, turning to face the doctor with an unimpressed expression. "I just…I know Dean's been respondin' well, just don't know if it's good to push him too far."
A hand is laid firmly on Roman's shoulder than as the two make it towards the elevator, Seth giving the orderly a full, gap-toothed grin. "And that's why you're in charge of him, Roman. You want him safe and happy, but unfortunately the path to recovery is rarely ever a happy one. It's laced with tragedy and setbacks and pain."
Roman grimaces then, beginning to rub his hands together nervously as the elevator moves. He's seen these setbacks, this pain, firsthand. It's awful, terrible to see Dean's mind and past try to destroy him from the inside out, but in order to unlock the past, for him to find some semblance of freedom and independence.
"It's not all bad, though. With the pain comes progress and growth." Seth reassured him as they made it to the tenth floor, the doctor motioning for Roman to follow.
"Yeah, you're right." Roman smiles fondly then, remembering how just last week Dean allowed Bo to actually give him a hug. Sure, the auburn haired patient was a little irritated, but accepting such a sign of physical affection so effortlessly from someone not Roman and without lashing out was…impressive to say the least.
They retrieve the patient from his padded room, Dean excitedly bopping up and down as they made their way to the elevator. "We don't normally have sessions at night, but…i-if you're there, Ro, then it'll be okay, yeah?" He whispers Roman than anything else with Mitch closely held against his chest.
Roman can sense the tension, not only from Dean but from himself and even Dr. Rollins. It's as if there's something in the air, like the very asylum itself knows that this rare nightly session will be something intense.
When they arrive to Dr. Rollins office, Dean sits at the couch opposite Seth's desk, Roman opting to stand behind the couch, to ensure Dean isn't distracted, but could still feel the orderly's presence.
"Now, Dean, why don't we start from where we left off, hmm? You started working part time as a piercer in Cleveland, correct?" Roman already knows this about Dean, the patient having shown him the holes in his ears where he pierced himself. They holes are clean and clearly done professionally, so Roman is still impressed.
"Yeah, it was a decent gig, y'know? Made a lotta extra doe on the side for customers that wanted a lil' extra, too…" Dean's voice grows quiet at that, looking down at his hands. Roman knows what he means and it makes the orderly's jaw clench. He shouldn't have had to do that.
"What do you mean by that, Dean?" Forcing him to say it, to confront his past.
"I sucked a few dicks, eat some snatch…I-I needed the money. 'S the only way I could eat. Piercers don't make a lotta dough. But my boss let me stay in the back on a cot if he was one of the dicks I sucked, y'know? It was better than nothin'." Wrong, so wrong and so unfair but Roman says nothing, because his place here is to support, to be a failsafe. It pains him not to hold Dean close, not to shield him from all the pain the patient has experienced, but he'll still be there as much as possible.
"Were these acts…were they all consensual, Dean?"
"Yeah."
Seth nods then, satisfied with the immediate response. He reads that Dean is more ashamed of that part of his life than fearful of it, but he decides to reassure him regardless. "You know, Dean, you tried your hardest to make something work for yourself. You stayed there for several months and in that time you…didn't harm anyone else. You have nothing to be ashamed of."
The patient nods his own response, still staring down at his hands. His shoulders hunch forward after a moment, rubbing at the pale white scrubs before Seth continues.
"So, being a piercer was your last job before you came here, wasn't it?"
"….yes." It's a cold response and Roman can feel a small tremble in Dean's voice, wants to touch and hold him, but he makes eye contact with Seth over Dean's head and knows he still has to sit out.
"Would you like to tell me about what happened between being a piercer and now, Dean?" Seth's voice is devoid of any particular emotion, monotone to the best of the doctor's ability.
"I-I dunno, doc…heh…" Dean chuckles and it sounds wrong, inappropriate even, especially when Roman notices there's tears forming in the patients eyes. Roman clenches his fists as tightly as his jaw then, pretty sure he can feel his teeth grinding together.
"I think you do, know, Dean, and I think its best we talk about this." He insists, because Dean is so close, so close to admitting to and discussing the even that lead him to the asylum.
"Y'know, how about not?" Dean shots up then, beginning to pace back in forth in front of Seth's desk, eyes wide and getting a little wilder as he does so, but there's a firm Roman in front of the door and the patient knows he truly can't leave.
"I know this is hard, Dean, but maybe we can talk about going back to Cincinnati, huh?" Dean freezes then, arms beginning to twitch and flex before he lunges forward.
Roman is over the couch in a moment, pulling Dean's arms back against his back in a painless, but debilitating submission move. The patient tries to struggle, before he begins to let out a loud, wallowing sort of sob. "We don't talk about Cincinnati!" He screams, loud and clear as Seth's large, brown pools stare in nothing but sympathy into his own manic blues.
"We need to talk about Cincinnati, Dean." The patient tries to push, tries to pull out of Roman's grasp and the orderly can feel his heart thumping, holding firm despite his own stomach feeling queasy. He has never seen Dean this bad, ever.
"WHY?!" He's screaming the question first, before he tries to desperately clutch and grab at Roman, but it's more for reassurance than to try and break out of his grip and Roman firmly presses himself against Dean's back, the patient's breathe ragged and broken but he seems to be regaining some lucidity. "Why?"
"Because I want you to be better, Dean." There's some wavering there, Seth's resolve breaking slightly as he sees the pain and anxiety of his patient, but he knows he can get through this. "Please, tell me, Dean…tell me."
"I-I came back home…came back cause I wanted ta see Ma and Dad…" His voice is so hoarse there and it's the first time Roman has ever heard Dean refer to his parents, ever. "You know what they said to me, heh?" It's a weird chuckle, sounding perverse and wrong as Dean's eyes still water up, the tears falling copiously as Roman keeps him secure and close.
"What did they say to you, Dean?"
"They…" His voice cracks, eyes scrunching up tightly as he trembles and bites into his bottom lip so hard that Roman is surprised it doesn't start bleeding. "…t-they said I was cuter when I was younger." He's hiccupping now and Roman's stomach turns, knowing exactly what those sick fucks meant and he wants to find them, to bash their skulls in for doing this to Dean. For breaking him all over again.
The orderly still holds him close, but now it's more of hugging his back then a submission hold and Seth says nothing, his own mouth trembling a little as Dean's sniffs filter into the air. He seems to forget himself for a moment, to fight the urge himself to hold Dean close. "Then what happened, Dean?"
"I-I had a gun…always packed a-and…I told them to stay put, that I'd kill 'em if they didn't and they laughed…the fuckin' laughed so I shot 'em both, shot 'em both in the knees so they couldn't run." The words were slurring as Dean spoke, coming out panicked and anxious. "They screamed and screamed and I had Mitch with me and they thought it was funny even though I shot 'em a-and...I-I heard…"
Dean's hiccups were getting worse and Roman released one arm completely to rub the back of his neck and spine. It's probably not the safest thing, but the orderly doesn't care because it seems to steady Dean slightly. "What did you hear, Dean? It's alright…take your time."
The auburn haired male nods then, sucking in a deep breath as he shivers against Roman, unpleasant and nervous. "…there was someone else in the house and I found…o-oh God, it was a little boy…and he-he…oh fuck, oh God…" He's practically vibrating now, all tense muscles and literally decades of hard living boiling down into a mass of a hurting soul. "…he looked like me, Seth, he looked like me! T-They were gonna use him…g-gonna use him like they used me!" He shouts then, Roman firmly holding him back in the submission hold. "I told him to stay put and cover his ears and keep his eyes closed and I killed them! I beat them to death with my bare hands and they yelled and screamed and begged for mercy but they didn't give it ta me. No, no they RAPED ME!" Shrill and broken and sobbing. "But they can't hurt anyone else, not with their brains splattered on the carpet where they let their drug dealers use me! NO, NO, OH GOD!"
Roman tries his hardest, he truly does, to keep Dean firm and close but the younger male elbows him hard in the gut, lunging at Seth's table. He doesn't hurt any particular person, grabbing at the various books and pens and starting to throw them and Seth presses the panic button as quickly as he can, but Roman already has him pinned to the floor.
"I'm so sorry, Dean…I'm so sorry…" The orderly keeps whispering to him, even as he medicates him, even as he straps Dean into a straitjacket and escorts him back to his room on unsteady feet. He sits there, even though Dean passes out under the heavy medication. Roman rubs the coconut oil into Dean's unruly locks like every night, but he doesn't miss the way his own hands shake and the way his eyes began to dampen. "...I'm so sorry…"
"'S ok…" Dean manages to whisper out through a drugged daze when Roman's shift ends, the orderly's eyes widening. "…love you, Ro…" Is said in the smallest of voices. He makes sure Mitch is firmly in his lap and gives Dean the softest forehead kiss.
