"I knew you'd be here," Addison said, quietly settling on the bench next to Derek.
"I have a thing for ferryboats," he replied.
"Not since Meredith almost drowned. You haven't been on a ferryboat in over six years," she pointed out.
"It makes me think…about things…about Meredith."
"Ah." Addison settled back against the bench, content to wait for him in silence until he was ready to speak again.
It didn't take long. "I was in the pool, Addie. I was in the pool."
"And she wasn't. What difference does it make? There's nothing either of you could have done."
Derek stared out over the water, watching the waves break. "I'm afraid of what she'll say…I should have been stronger. I know you think I'm a horrible person."
"I don't," Addison responded instantly.
"When Meredith almost drowned…It was because she didn't swim. She didn't try. To this day…I know that. And I told her…"
"Told her what?" Addison prodded gently.
"I told her…that I couldn't carry her anymore. That I wanted to be with her, but sometimes…she would have to swim on her own. We pretty much broke up then, Addie."
"I remember."
"And…I'm a hypocrite. I'm trying so hard to hold it together for her, Addie, but I can't. I can't…be as strong as I want to be. And maybe I need her to pull it together a little, to be a little bit stronger than me…maybe I need too much…I don't even know…" His voice trailed off, lost.
"Maybe you can both need each other and neither one of you needs to be strong," Addison pointed out, squeezing his hand.
"None of this makes any sense. It's still so unreal."
"That's normal, Derek. You lost a child, nobody expects either of you to be okay, and neither one of you should expect that of the other."
"I know…I'm just really confused right now. I'm trying to…process." Derek ran a hand though his hair in frustration.
"Marriage is a lifetime commitment," Addison whispered. "My wedding ring is under this very water…You and I didn't work out, we were missing something vital, and…I've seen the way you look at her, Derek, and I know that you love her. I know your marriage can survive this, can survive anything. You can't run away, Derek, because I know that she means too much to you for that. So go home. Go home."
The two of them stared out over the water in silence as the ferryboat approached the dock.
OooooooooooooooO
Izzie sat across from me on the back patio, holding Doug in her lap. It stabbed me in my core to look at him. It was very hard for me to differentiate between her living, breathing child and my child that would never be coming home. Izzie seemed to notice me struggling, and she shooed Doug back into the house.
"Mer? He'll be back," she reassured me.
"I know," I whispered. "One way or the other."
"What do you mean, one way or the other?" Izzie questioned.
"I…I feel like I…I'm not strong, Izzie, not at all. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay with this."
"It takes time," Izzie replied. "It takes time. And maybe…Maybe, Mer, both of you can need each other, both of you can be there for each other…and neither one of you has to be the strong one?"
"I'm trying not to blame him, Iz. I don't want to blame him. But it just feels so…wrong. Everything…"
"And it will, Meredith, maybe it will always feel wrong, but maybe it will be a little less as time goes on?"
I shook my head. "It doesn't feel that way now. I just wish that we could go back to the way things were. I wish that Derek was here with me, and he's not…I wish that Richie was here, and…he won't ever be…"
Izzie reached out and squeezed my hand over the glass table, as Doug called to her from inside the house. "Mom! Mommy! Come here, quick!" She smiled at me apologetically. "I'll be right back," she said, pushing her chair out from the table and disappearing in the screen door.
I looked around the backyard, and everything in sight reminded me of my son. At the very back of the yard, closest to the fence, was the swing set that Derek had put only a few months ago. It had the little baby swing on it, the kind where a toddler could stick there legs through the bottom and be fully supported. If I concentrated hard enough, I could almost see Richie there. He was swinging back and forth, his little fists waving in the air…the same way that they had in the pool that day.
The pool…I thought. The pool…that day…I wasn't in the pool.
That thought snapped me back from my reverie, and my vision of Richie disappeared.
