EIGHT
"What's got you all excited?"
I thrust two fingers at him. "I'm two days incident free."
He peers at me over his glasses, "That you are." He taps at his tablet with a stylus. He flashes the screen at me. "There you go, officially updated. You now have outdoor privileges. So what do you say to meeting outside?"
I can already taste the sunshine. My skin itches for fresh air. "Really?"
"If you're up for it."
"I'm up for it. Can we go right now?"
He extends his arm. "Lead the way."
The warmth of the sun takes the edge off the exhaustion that weighs heavy on my body. I sway in the sun and fight the urge to curl up like a cat in the grass. He smiles at me and I pay him a small smile in return.
"Let's take a walk around the grounds."
We head off towards the small lake that sits at the bottom of the campus. The trees are green and vibrant. The air smells of summer and sunshine. I missed this. I needed this. I'm better outside. Things are clearer outside.
"Alright, Everdeen, what's the deal?"
I swipe a stick from the ground and swing it at the tall grass growing by the water.
Happy and whole. "I'm not good at this."
"Have you ever tried? How would you even know?"
"Fine. I don't like this. Is that better?"
"What don't you like?"
"I don't like-" I don't like that it wasn't my choice. I don't like being told what to do. I don't like that I lost control. "It wasn't my choice."
"No, it wasn't. How does that make you feel?"
"Angry." My stick flies out of my hand and hits the water with a wet slap.
"Understandable. How do you feel, right now?"
"Tired."
"How are you sleeping?"
A breeze stirs the trees. Blue birds flutter above us. I feel firm and sure-footed. The way my heels sink into the damp soil is comforting. I plant my feet and track the path of the birds flying away. Aim, pull, release.
"Not well."
"We can work on that, if you want. That's the choice I need you to make, Everdeen, because if you don't want to change I can't help you."
I kick a clump of dirt into the water. The bugs dancing across the surface skitter away.
"Why do you act like you don't know me?"
"What do you mean?"
"When we first met, you acted like you had no idea who I was."
"I don't know you. You won't talk to me."
I turn to face him. "Everyone knows who I am."
"I know who the girl on fire is. I'm familiar with the Mockingjay. I know who The Capitol thinks you are and who they wanted you to be. I've seen the rebel's girl, the mouthpiece for a revolution. I am familiar with those girls: the pretty face, the star-crossed lover, the warrior. I don't know anything about Katniss Everdeen. I've never met that young woman."
His words fall so innocently from his lips, but they collide with such a force against my skin. I was certain of myself once. I let other people tell their lies with my mouth. They painted me and pulled me. I tried to be their girl. I tried to be what Gale wanted, what Peeta needed, the powerless figurehead the revolution deserved. I was always at my best when I was myself, but I let them twist me and turn me around. I want to feel casual in my skin again, in my mind, in my life.
"I'm not sure who Katniss Everdeen is."
"We can work on that too."
I square my shoulders. We stare each other down, "Can you make the nightmares stop?"
"No. I wish I could, but there's no drug, no magic, no quick fix. We'll have to work at it. The nightmares will still come, but you can learn to bounce back. The flashbacks will come too, but you can learn what triggers you. You can learn better ways to fight an episode. Things we think we could never do can become second nature with work. A body can adapt, a brain can learn. It won't be easier, Everdeen. I don't want to mislead you, but if you're willing to work at it, I'm willing to help."
The sky is blue. It's always blue, but I think today is the bluest the sky has ever been. Happy and whole. "I want to try."
He beams and claps his hands together, "Alright then, let's go to work.
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