All recognizable names are the property of Stephenie Meyer. We just like playing dress up in her shoes.
This story is not suitable for those under the age of 18. It is rated M, so if you're not old enough to buy a pack of smokes… we don't wanna know!
Chapter 5 Paul
Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall
Be Here Now by Ray LaMontagne
She turned down Jake… and then told me… reassured me that they were just friends. She wanted me, I could see it in her eyes. And her smell. The scent of her arousal was enough to make me insane with lust.
I could take her right her, right now, and she would let me.
Subconsciously, I licked my lips. I mean, who could possibly help themselves around her. I didn't blame Jake, or any other man for wanting her. She was impossibly beautiful in an understated way. My keen eyes detected no hint of makeup and her clothing was more on the plain side. No, my angel wasn't flashy, but she sure as hell stood out! Cream skin the color of pale porcelain contrasted with her dark hair and eyes. And her lips… I could write fucking sonnets about the girl's lips.
Friends, dipshit, until you figure yourself out.
I decided to tune out the sane voice inside my head, because she was biting that damn bottom lip again and I wanted to do that. I wasn't even considering the consequences when I used my thumb to pull it from between her teeth. My rough thumb was the exact opposite of her lips. They felt like the finest satin.
Bella's eyes were locked on mine, they never faltered. Hell, I don't think she even fucking blinked.
"I'm so bad for you, angel. So bad." I whispered, my lips practically touching hers.
"Don't care." She swallowed heavily and I couldn't take it anymore.
Ever so gently I pressed my lips to hers. While I would usually avoid kissing all together, I savored every second with her. My tongue crept out and traced her lips. There was no hesitation when they parted for me and a slow, sensual dance began between us. She whimpered a little into my mouth and brazenly moved herself so that she was straddling me. I moaned loudly as her body came in contact with my dick. Nothing, and I mean nothing, had ever felt as good as she did. Just kissing her was more… just more than I had ever experienced.
Thankfully there was the loud clearing of a throat to distract me. I reluctantly pulled away from Bella and looked over my shoulder to see Charlie trying to fight a smirk. Cheeky bastard. Bella's face was flushed and her lips were swollen in a way that made me want to ravage her. Then my sanity kicked in.
"Shit," I whispered as I moved her off of my lap.
"Do you regret that?" My angel asked in a small voice.
"No! But, you should know… Bella, I'm not good. At all. I have fucked too many girls to count, and the scars? They're just one thing on a long ass list that makes me fucked up. You have no idea… I would ruin you, Bella."
"Paul," My eyes remained focused on my hands in my lap, but she wouldn't have that. She hopped off the truck and bent down to put herself in my line of sight.
"I know you think that those things mean something to me. And maybe they should, but I don't see any of that. I'm confused as hell, and way out of my element. That… that was my first kiss. Well, my first real one anyway," she mumbled the last part under her breath and I fought the urge to smirk.
"I don't know what this is, but the only time I feel like me is when I'm with you, Paul." Her words made my heart pump furiously. She was so fucking good. A real live angel taking pity on the devil himself.
"I can't Bella. I told you I will be your friend, but I can't even promise to be good at that. I need… I need to work on me before I can be any good for you, or anyone else for that matter." She had that look in her eye. You know the one where someone has just been let down easy. After they've received the "it's not you, it's me" speech. Fuck. She thought I didn't want her. Would it be better to leave it that way?
No, dumbshit! Just tell her maybe after you've seen a shrink or some shit! Don't fuck this up!
The inner voice was starting to piss me off.
"Bella, I don't want to make any promises. I will probably always be a fuck-up, and will never EVER be good enough for you, but I am going to try, okay? That's all I can say for now. But until then… friends?" I held out my hand for her to shake but instead she stood up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek before walking back to the house.
"You coming in to eat, or what?" She threw over her shoulder as she walked in the door.
Damn… I say again. Damn.
I knew I would do whatever I could to be even moderately good enough for her. I just hoped that Faith was good at the whole therapy thing 'cause a girl like her wouldn't stay single for long. It's not like I asked her to wait for me. Shit.
That was the only thought that went through my head as we all ate dinner in silence. Everyone was looking between Bella and me. Charlie looked confused as shit after what he had witnessed outside. Hell, I was confused myself. How in the hell could I have kissed her when I knew I wasn't going to be with her? At least not right away. When Bella left she gave me a shy wave, but nothing else and I sulked all the way home. No one dared to bother me, not even Leah. Everyone knew to give me a wide berth when I was in one of my bouts of self-hate.
Faith Call couldn't see me for two days and they seemed to drag. I don't know if I thought that I'd see her once and be cured or what, but needless to say I didn't expect what happened.
"Hello, Paul. Come on in." Faith opened the door wide enough to let me past. Her black eyes scrutinized me as I made my way over to the living room. My options were a sofa and a recliner.
I am not laying on a fucking sofa.
"Just sit in the fucking recliner, Paul. I'm going to do my shrink thing either way." Holy hell, who'da thought Faith had a foul mouth. Definitely not what I expected from a shrink, but then again she was the mother of Embry and that boy had a seriously foul mouth.
I sat down and we just stared at one another for a good fifteen minutes.
"Look, if you're here to waste my time, then you can get the fuck out. You wanna be better for Bella?" My eyes widened and I knew fucking Charlie had told her about the imprint. Fuck. I nodded anyway.
"Well, then open your damn mouth and start talking. I know about the shit that happened to you as a kid, but in order to get past it, you have to talk about it."
"Fuck, isn't there just some sort of shrink voodoo shit you can do to just fix me?" I asked as I picked at one of my dirty fingernails.
"Doesn't work that way, Paul. Sorry. It's a process, and not a particularly short or easy one. How about we start easy. Tell me about the first time you remember your father beating you." Her face remained a blank mask, showing no emotion.
"That's what you call fucking easy?" I scoffed.
"If you ever want Bella you're going to have to do this. So, let's do this. The first time he beat you…"
"I was six. I remember because it was my birthday. Mom was dead and he dove head first into a bottle of Jack. All my other friends had birthday parties and gifts and I didn't understand why I couldn't. But I stayed quiet. Always fucking quiet. Sam's mom stopped by and brought me a cupcake with a candle on it. I was so happy that someone remembered me that I hugged her. She left and he pounced on me. Said that I didn't care about mom, that I wanted to replace her. I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. I was fucking SIX!" I held up my right arm and took in my slightly crooked wrist. "It never healed right since he wouldn't take me to the doctor."
"How about the day Charlie found you?" She asked and I shook my head. I wasn't ready for that shit yet.
"Okay, well then tell me about Bella. Why not just be with her? The imprint demands that you be whatever she needs. You won't hurt her, Paul." Her voice had taken on a kinder tone.
"Yeah, because I'm really what she needs," I spat sarcastically. "I want to be good enough for her! Have you met her?" I asked and she shook her head no.
"Well, if you had you would see. She is the kindest, most beautiful person… there aren't words to describe how perfect she is. And I am just this enormous fuck up! If it weren't for the imprint she wouldn't look twice at someone like me. She's too good. A lot like Charlie." I noticed a faint blush come over her russet skin at the mention of him.
"Charlie thinks you're good enough. He loves you like a son, Paul. Always has. Did you know that he tried to fight the council for the rights to adopt you back then?" My eyes widened and I stared at her, looking for some sign that she was lying.
"He begged that Billy be the one to take you in if he couldn't. The only time I've ever seen Charlie Swan cry was the night he found you broken and bleeding. Did you know that his dad used to beat him and his mom?"
"What?" I asked and began to shake.
"Yep, but when he was old enough he left. He tried to take his mom with him, but she wouldn't leave. She killed herself the day he married Bella's mom, once she knew he was safe and happy. He's lived with that for years. He feels responsible for his mother's death."
I couldn't believe it. Charlie knew what it was like to be me, but instead of turning into what I had, he became a good man. A good father.
"It's all about choices, Paul. For too long you've let your past choose for you. Now it's time to simply learn from your past, but not let it control you."
The little boy in me wanted to find Charlie and hug him. Surely I had brought back painful memories for him, but he pushed them aside and made sure that I always knew he was there.
"So, what are you going to do, Paul?"
"The night Charlie found me…"
I left Faith's house feeling lighter than I had in years. Lighter but emotionally exhausted. When I reached my little shack, Bella was sitting on the porch. I hadn't even realized that she would be out of school yet.
"Charlie said you might need a friend." She shrugged and stood, answering my unasked question of why she was there.
When I reached her I took her hand and pulled her into the house. Bella sat on my dingy couch looking so out of place and smiled gently at me.
"Come here," she whispered and I sat next to her. Her tiny fingers traced my forearm and the feeling seemed to calm me. Some deep, unnamed emotion ran through me, making me feel warm.
"You wanna' talk about it?" She asked and I shook my head.
"I think I'm about talked out. You wanna' watch a movie or something instead." She bit her lip and gave me a small "okay".
We sat in silence as we watched… well, I couldn't tell you what we watched because all I could concentrate on was how she intertwined her dainty fingers with mine. Light against dark, her skin against mine. It represented us completely. Maybe she was meant to be the light to my dark. Maybe that's why she was mine, but why was I hers? What could I hope to offer her?
"You're thinking too much. Stop it," Bella said through a yawn as she laid her head on my shoulder. We must have dozed off because we were both startled by a knock at my door. Charlie didn't wait for me to answer before walking in.
"Hey kids." He smiled as he took in the sight of us holding hands. "It's dinner time kids, and I'm treating, so let's get a move on."
"Okay, Dad. I'm just going to use the bathroom real quick." I pointed her in the direction of my small bathroom and turned to face Charlie.
"How'd it go today, son?" His brown eyes, so much like Bella's were filled with concern.
"Okay, I guess. I got a lot of shit off my chest, so that felt good. She, us, she told me about your… you know."
"Yeah, I thought she might. It's all right, though. I would've told you myself, but you know me and talking." We both smirked because I did know how much he just loved to chitchat.
"Oh, I know, old man. Now, what's for dinner?" I rubbed my stomach and he walked over to pat me on the back. Neither of us were very comfortable with talking about emotional shit, so I knew what that pat on the back meant. It was his version of a man-hug.
The rest of the week was spent much the same way. After work, or patrolling, I would find Bella waiting for me. I told her to let herself in and most days I would come in to find her doing her homework. Sometimes Jake would be with her, which made my blood boil, but I was okay with it. It was difficult to see her go, and every time I saw her it got increasingly worse. On nights that I wasn't patrolling I slept, in wolf form, outside her house. The sound of her heartbeat kept away my nightmares and calmed me in ways I couldn't begin to describe.
I wanted to be touching her always, but kept it light. Although, any time we watched a movie, she ended up in my arms or holding my hand. It was the greatest thing I had ever felt. When she would leave, her eyes would linger on mine and the urge to kiss her again only got stronger.
"So," Sam started one night after she had gone home, "how's staying away from her working out for ya'?"
I flipped him the bird and rolled my eyes.
"We're trying to be friends while I get my shit sorted out."
"Seems like Faith has been helping you work through some things. Even your wolf is calmer. Then again, that's usually the effect of an imprint, not a shrink." I growled at him making him lift his hands in surrender and smirk.
"Now, I'm not saying the shrink thing won't help, 'cause Lord knows you need to work through that shit but the only thing that will truly heal you is being with Bella the way you are meant to." I knew Sam was right, but I just couldn't. Not until I was sure that I wouldn't hurt her. The imprint may heal you, but there were some things that I simply had to do on my own.
"You in love with her yet?" Sam asked and I spit out the soda I had just started drinking. Sam guffawed loudly, slapping his knee for effect.
Love? Was that what it was? No. It wasn't possible. I mean, I cared about her more than anything in the world, but love? I shook my head rapidly, only serving to make Sam laugh even harder.
"It comes on quick, Paul. But it's not just the imprint. All the imprint does is point you in the direction of your mate. Of course, seeing as how they are made for us and us for them it's sort of hard not to fall in love."
"No… I can't… I mean, I've never really loved anyone before…. I don't think I'm capable." My head was spinning and I felt like I would vomit.
Too much to soon.
"Calm down, Paul. It'll come to you, but don't stress. Just relax and it will all work out. I mean look at Emily and me. I never would have imagined she could love me after all the hell I put her through. Her own parents don't even speak to her because she chose me. Leah hates her, and… well, you only have to look at her to see the rest. We're never good enough, Paul, but we can spend the rest of our lives trying to be."
His words stuck with me, and I did try. So fucking hard. The thing was, it didn't feel like I was doing anything. I was just me and she always looked at me like I was everything. Never had anyone looked at me like that and it made me feel like my heart would explode. I tried not to linger too long when I hugged her goodnight. I didn't want to scare her away, but damn if I didn't want to keep her in my arms. I thought that week with her had been the best of my life.
That Saturday she was going to Port Angeles for some new books or some shit while Kim and some other chick I didn't know shopped for dresses for some dumbass dance that my girl refused to go to.
Thank God!
She texted me to let me know and I couldn't help the smile that overtook my face. I felt like a fucking little kid at Christmas; or what I imagined that felt like. She wanted to let me know where she would be. It was such a coupley thing to do and for some reason it made my dick hard. She wasn't asking my approval, just giving me a heads up, but damn if it didn't feel good that she wanted to include me in everything.
Now if I can get over the fact that she's going to be that far away, I'll feel even better.
Something told me to go with her. Something deep in my gut, but Sam had me patrolling. Why, I don't know, there had never been a leech other than the Cullens for years, but it came with the territory. When my shift was over I went to Charlie's to watch the game with Charlie and to wait on Bella.
"Knock, knock, old man!" I called out as I walked through Charlie's front door. Bella's scent lingered everywhere and I inhaled deeply. Charlie noticed, but other than a smirk, didn't really acknowledge it.
"My baby sure has been happy lately, son." The fucking mustache twitched like it did every time he smiled.
"I hope so. Sometimes I want to just tell her everything, you know? But she never pushes. I think she gets that from her pops." I winked at him and he chuckled.
We sat in silence, minus the occasional shout at the television, but I was always on alert, waiting to hear the sound of an engine, signaling that my angel was home. When I finally did I had to fight to stay in my seat. I ignored Charlie's chuckles and sat stock still. My happiness, however, faded when I got a whiff of the scent that rolled off of her when she walked through the door made me see red.
Sabi'sSookie: I am on vacation and have been so busy I almost forgot today was Tuesday! You guys can think Nostalgicmiss for reminding me! LOL! So, what do you think is up with Bella's scent? I'm sure some of you guys will guess ;) I want to apologize about the lack of replies to reviews, but I want you guys to know that I have read and appreciate every one! You guys are the best readers! Thanks for all the love by way of reviews, alerts, favorites, or just reading! You all make me smile! Weezy, girl, I love you like a fat kid loves cake! You are the best friend a gal could ask for! And I am so honored to get to write with you! Thank you so much for being my friend and for keeping me going! Love you to bits, girlie!
Nostalgicmiss:
I miss my bestie! But I am glad she's having fun! It is Tuesday lol! I almost forgot too, but thankfully, I got a review, which reminded me! I love how Paul's managed to make her happy. She was going through so much trying to understand her feelings and her need to be with him, but now he's in her life, she's able to even out a little. It seems Faith has been good for him, so fingers crossed he keeps that up! Thank you to all of you who read, favorite and alert, and of course all of you who review. You're all awesome and I love you for letting us know what you think. B, you're an amazing bestie and I love you loads. I am always so thankful to have you in my life, and as always writing with you is not only a pleasure but a breeze. Have fun on vacation! I miss you loads and loads! Thanks for always being there!
