I know I said that I would move on to the next one, but because the last chapter was shorter (but I feel it was more taxing for some reason) I suddenly had to write this one, because Hinata is my favorite and I've been waiting for this view point.
Ya know? I want to fix my jumbled mess in the prior story – fade
Despite the fact that I fear that I'm making a mess out of this idea again, it flows much better than before. So that's all I can ask for.
I mentioned in the previous chapter that I would love a beta reader, if you're interested, please let me know.
Please read and review
Do NOT own Naruto
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Ch. 8
Shattered
*Hinata*
The darkness was overbearing, the cold cut into my broken body, and the loneliness was tearing apart my soul. My hands stung from bleeding bruises, healing slowly in the cold labyrinth that I was forced to wonder. Sometimes I found myself at a metal door, and assuring myself it was the same metal door that I had been pushed through so harshly, I would bang my fists against it, hurl my entire body against the side. Desperately trying to get it open.
At first, I had forced myself to remain calm, sitting beside the door curled around my legs, falling in and out of sleep to escape the darkness. I meditated to buy my time. But, sitting all alone, here in the dark where my byakugan couldn't be activated left me so frightened. Never had I been unable to see. As a Hyuga, our worst fear is the loss of our sight. It brought forth childish nightmares and paranoid fear that could only be escaped by my thoughts. Yet with each thought, I traveled down darker and darker paths, filling my head in circles of belittlement, anger, sadness, and pain. There were no longer any pathetic attempts at a positive outlook.
The room or labyrinth, wherever I was, was misty and that mist I was sure was filled with drugs that sapped my strength, and I was on the lookout for other symptoms of a drug. I could feel the moisture on my face and on the tips of my fingers as I slowly inched my way along the wall looking for a weak point so that I could escape. In this dark world, the wall became my new anchor to reality, where memory failed me and my inspirations became jaded in shadows, I could only count on what existed in the moment. Myself and the wall that kept me from the true abyss.
I couldn't even count on my warmest memories to give me strength. First, I tried drawing forth the fond memories I had of my mother, when I was small. I envisioned her arms around me in a warm hug, and for a while, it brought forth that encompassing feeling in my heart. When I slept, the memory changed however, and I couldn't recall if what was a hug was an attempt to smother me and choke me in my sleep. Her very spirit was attacking me in my weakened state and condemning my existence as venomously as my father. So I left her behind, running from the pain it caused.
Slightly confused at what I once cherished as a good memory having turned so bad, I tried with my foggy mind to bring out another nice memory that I could remember better. I brought forth the first time my teammates and I had seen each other as friends. It was a genin mission, simply catching that horrible cat who always ran away, but Kiba who smelt highly of dog could not go near the cat without setting her on alert, I always fumbled when she ran to me, and it seemed like Shino was carrying out weight silently as Kurenai watched with a worried frown.
My memories twist there, I could still recall the feeling of kinship towards my teammates, my brothers even. However, it was as if something was blocking my heart and pushing in other feelings and memories that didn't belong to me. Kiba screamed at me for being clumsy and threatened me harshly in a brash tone, Shino ignored me, a silent snub and his back facing my direction so as to not look at me. Then Kurenai, oh kami, my mother figure, her frown deepened and her red eyes flamed in rage. She was angry and disappointed to be stuck with such a failure! She didn't even try to hide the fact.
I quickly fled that memory and desperately tried to clamp down on any cherished memories I held within me, fearing the outcomes should I relive them. Fearing what my own deluded mind had hidden from myself. Was someone pushing into my head? Or was it me, was I really so unloved that I began to make up my own little heroes and safety nets? Maybe I was crazy and had a breakdown as a child, now I was stuck in a padded room dreaming of a life that wasn't true.
That was when I started to cry. Loud heaving sobs were wrenched from my body as I tried to force any memory, good or bad, down into the abyss, out into the dark around me and away. Any memory however, that dealt with my most loved moments, I locked inside of me so deep that the darkness couldn't touch them, let alone me. I didn't want them gone or tainted or used against me, fake or not, I wanted them safe and hidden from sight, even my own. I just could bear to throw it away like trash, even if it was for my own good. The process left me safe if empty and slightly confused. From time to time, they reappeared like dreams, as if I really was a crazy person who simple made a life away from this dark place and now they were retaliating.
"Hinata, those aren't fake dreams. They're real. The people you knew, fakes, mean, horrible. See how they treated you?"
'Who?'
"You know me, don't you? You pushed me back, hiding from what they've done. Look at them, look closely.
I'm only dreaming. Blissfully there was nothing to dream about anymore, until the voice shoved it in. There was a boy, he reminded me of someone, and he was familiar. He was family.
"Nii-san!" I recalled who he was. Neji, my older cousin, but he didn't hear me scream. I hunched over in pain, my heart was being torn apart, and he stood there. There was a snide little smile on his face, eyes glaring in my direction, filled with loathing. Hating my existence.
"You were not meant to be the heir, you are weak willed, pathetic. A waste of space." His lips moved and did not match the words he said, but they hurt all the same.
"You will lead us all to death. It would be better to spare you now the future pain of sealing." Then his smirk grew, as if he knew a secret and was unwilling to share. "But you won't be sealed will you? It'll be your sister.
I blanched at that, a sister? I had a sister.
"You love her, so much, you'd die for her right? Did you forget? Our little firecracker. The one who hates you."
The voice kindly pushed in the memory of my sister, Hanabi. I could see her face, young and round with childish fat, training hard and fast, excelling and passing my own strengths. Her face was serious, much too serious for a child. Rarely she smiled, but not for me, never for me. I was too weak for her time.
She stood beside me now, in the middle of this wide stadium. She looked so small, almost helpless, even though she had never been.
"Hanabi-chan!" I cried, reaching out a hand for her, trying to grab her arm, pull her behind me.
With a distasteful frown, as if she had stepped on something gross, she pulled away from me and walked towards Neji, his face blank and his eyes angry.
'No, don't go to him!' I tried again to reach for her, only for the pain in my chest to increase sending me to my knees. I glared at Neji from the floor, he had done this to me.
'Please, I don't want to watch anymore! Please!'
The voice didn't answer me.
I tried to close my eyes, but they were open and glued on Neji and Hanabi. She stood beside him, so small and fragile looking despite the scowl on her face sent my way. Ignoring it, I tried to stand up again, arms and legs trembling as my heart beast faster aching to pump blood into my system and being unable to do that.
My sister turned to Neji and the scowl flipped into a radiant smile, she adored our cousin. Watched him train and spar from the sidelines with all the love and admiration I wanted. He smiled at her disarmingly, and his hand pulsed with chakra, weaving out and around his skin.
"It is her who will be hurt, won't it? Why not save her now." He looked at me, so sad and angry that it almost took my breath away. "Save her now, or I will."
His hand arched back, a scream tore from my mouth, and Hanabi cast one last look at me.
There was a sickening squishing sound as Neji's hand descended into her chest. Hanabi was staring at him wide eyed, a trail of blood leaking from her mouth with an almost surprised cough coming from her lips. She then turned her head back to me, and her pearly eyes shined like metal in the sun, melting, crying. Pain. Her hands moved up shakily to grasp our cousin's arm that still lay embedded in her chest. He increased his chakra, her body spasmed and squirmed around, and he laughed like a child holding a baby rabbit, prodding it with a stick as it died, morbidly enjoying the reactions.
Red-hot anger and failure poured through me as Hanabi's eyes finally closed. Shut from the world, never to open again. I reached along the ground for my kunai and found it with the tips of my fingers. Sliding up I felt the weird sensation of water on my back and assumed it was only sweat and rage. Breathing roughly, I glared at my cousin who held my sisters body like a toy.
"She will not feel this," His bloodied and touched his headband and in my mind's eye I imagined the green mark on his head. "You however, will always feel the failure of your mistakes."
Rushing at him, I screamed in anger and sadness, Hanabi was dead by the hand of my cousin in his own pain. He was suffering to because of me, I could remember that. He no longer held Hanabi like a doll, but cradled her to him like a cherished baby. I was jealous, and sad, and so very angry. He would never cherish me, because I was weak, Hanabi would have never looked at me because I was weak. He could not lean on anyone and his fears and anger grew uncontrolled. But he killed her, he killed her! He took away my sister. I would have taken her place! To be sealed or to die, I would have! He had not saved her, he had condemned me!
My shout became carnal and rough, like that of a wild animal cornered by the hunter and willing to die to kill the enemy. He threw my sister to the ground and her body bounced sickeningly. I cried out in rage at the insult and reared back my hand. I could not draw my chakra to my body, weak and pathetic as I was. I could do this however, I could draw my hand back and slide the blade into his heart, and if not into his heart, then across his throat.
Sure enough, before my blade could pierce through his chest like his hand had gone through her, he whipped around his hair swirling and his eyes determined. His hand shot out and slammed into my arm, the bloodied one hit my chest and shot a painful blast of chakra at my lungs, narrowly missing my heart. Ignoring the pain, I moved my free hand and slammed it into his head, sending a weak blast of chakra to his brain. Neji's fingers trembled and loosened enough to let me go, allowing my own legs to buckled and the two of us fell to the floor. One in pain and the other simply disorientated.
"Why, why not use the seal?" His voice wavered ever so slightly as he began to stand again, already gaining his bearings.
I couldn't use the seal, not on anyone, even him. It was something that even I deemed weak, that I found low and dirty and cheating. If I was to win or die here, it had to be because I could do it! I knew that. My fingers itched to make the sign, if anything to make him hurt, but I refused to do it.
Instead, I roared again, letting my anger and sorrow boil from within me, fuelling my body into movement. My legs carried me up, my arm moved out, Neji still slightly disorientated placed out his hand to stop me, but he was off by the smallest margin allowing my hand tightly clamped around the now warmed metal of my kunai to slide across his throat.
I watched the slow motion of my own hand; the silver gleamed in the light, the sharp edge bit into his skin and sliced across it clean and smooth. It was almost pretty and at the same time, it was sick, morbid. My hand stayed positioned up high in the air past his shoulder, ready to bring it back down and ruin the clean line to ensure the successful kill.
With a gurgle, blood bubbled out of Neji's mouth as the rest poured out from his parted throat in thick rivers trailing down his pale skin and clothes, staining what were once pristine and perfect. His hands were at my chest again, but this time he pushed me back weakly before falling to the ground. He wiggled a bit, reaching for the hole on his throat, and gazed at me in shock. Before the light left his face, and almost peacefully, he closed his eyes.
After the shock of my own actions, anger still flew through my body. My breathing rushed out in heavy wheezing gasps, my arms and legs shook, but I ignored it in favor of kicking Neji's chest.
"I d-did it! N-nii-san, I won!" I grinned, having beat the person who had always been held above me, but why did he have to make such a face? As if he wanted to lose. "D-didn't I? D-didn't I!"
"W-why?" I fell to my knees between Neji and Hanabi. "W-w-why did y-you b-both go? W-why, w-what?" My gaze fell to my hands, covered in blood. Laughing I held them up to my face, sticky and cold now. "I h-hate you. I h-hate y-you both."
Because they hated you. Because he hurt you, her. She hurt you to, didn't even want your help. Maybe it was planned, a double suicide. You know? So that she would never be sealed, and he could die to run away.
'But now they're both gone, I've killed them both. Right? I might as well have. I could save none and only end the problem that I caused.'
That they placed on you. That's all anyone ever does anymore. The death of your mother was your fault. The fact that you were weak, your fault. Neji's dad died by your hand! You only passed on a fluke! Everything is out fault!
'Yes…'
It's not our fault. It's theirs. Always wanting more from us. Then they want to blame us and hurt us.
The voice pushed memories through my head again.
We can fix the problem.
"I-it's not my f-fault."
Hinata, open your eyes.
I was surprised to find myself in darkness, the bodies of my siblings faded away, but the feeling of his blood still stained my hands. I gasped and turned around, spinning in a circle trying to find my wall. The back of my shirt was wet and stuck to my skin; I had pulled myself up on the damp wall.
There was no one to call for help, who would come? Certainty if my own family hated me, if I had been the cause of the deaths of the two most important children in our family, no one would help me. Especially because, I found I didn't really regret it. Neji who had mocked me and towered over me and Hanabi who never offered me so much as a glance, were dead, and I didn't care anymore. I had won. I was free from worry. All but one.
The darkness closed in on me, wanting to take me for my sins. I reached out my hands searching for my wall. A whimper caught in my throat, sore and scratchy from the hours I had gone without truly talking.
"So, you really don't care for us?" Kiba stepped from the darkness. "You don't do ya!" He growled low and menacing and a full-grown Akamaru snarled with bared teeth beside him.
"You're a murderer Hinata, you killed your own kin." Kurenai whispered venomously.
I found that their words didn't really hurt me all that much. In fact, it annoyed me, as if they had never really seen me before. What did they know or care? I turned around, intent on finding my wall so as not to be lost.
"Hinata, you're dead to me." The voice was deep and cold, stopping me still in my tracks and sending a shiver down my spine. I was a child to that voice; I was always a child to him. Weak and small. I turned slowly to find the figure of my father; he fit in with the darkness like an old friend.
I found that surprisingly, he didn't really scare me anymore. There stood the most intimidating person in my life, and I looked down on him as ugly. A blind man with an angry soul. I didn't care what he thought of me, I didn't even want to know him anymore. These people, these horribly mean and ugly people. I didn't want to know them anymore, least they try to hurt me more than emotionally. Not that I would allow that anymore, never again would I allow someone to use me, blame me, hurt me.
"No, Hiashi. You are dead to me." I moved forward with a speed I haven't known before, moved my hand back and stabbed at him the same way I had Neji. There was a pleased feeling running through me. I had destroyed my demons, my problems; I had fixed all that was wrong. And that wasn't me, it was them.
The sound of a body hitting the floor echoed through my prison, repeating back and forth, screaming what I had done. I sat on the ground, not caring about my final anchor, not caring about getting sick in this misty room, not caring that I was lost, and that I had killed, that I was now a monster to. Not caring, just enjoying the act of killing someone stronger than me, someone who had towered over me and pushed me around because I was small and weak.
"Didn't expect that did you?" I started to laugh. Never would I be weak, never would anyone push me down! I'd kill anyone who tried.
After a good laugh, and maybe a good cry – for I could feel the tears that washed down my face, despite the fact that I had no reason to cry – I stood up and wondered around my dark prison.
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It's done! Do y'all like this chapter?
I loved writing this one! As you can tell, it's a lot longer than the previous! Almost 3400 words or so, give or take a few.
Thank you for reading,
Please leave your feedback! Review :)
And I am still looking for a beta reader if anyone is interested, holler out
