Before I start, thanks to Mac and Volkogluk for being the betas for my sick humor and to my husband, Antidimka, for trying to convince me that there are some things that Optimus Prime won't do.
Disclamer stands. Nope, don't own them yet.
Part 7: Sarah vs. Ratchet
He woke up and saw a room full of light.
"Heaven?" He managed, before he noticed something heavy on his chest. Will looked forward and saw Frenzy curled on him.
"He killed you for helping me?" Will whispered and petted Frenzy in a way that became almost a habit during his captivity. He was surprised to find the metal soft and moving
"Awake!" Frenzy suddenly cheered, jumped from Will's stomach and ram from the room, chattering and cheering.
In a minute the room filled with Autobots. This, Will thought, wasn't difficult, considering the size of the Mechs. Ironhide allowed himself a rare smile, Prime looked concerned, and Ratchet had a look of 'get well, or I'll kill you'. Frenzy skittered back onto his 'rightful' place on Will's chest and made a happy croon.
"Good to see you awake. Ratchet feared that Frenzy overdosed you." Prime said.
Frenzy looked scandalized at the mere idea. Will smiled at him, then raised his eyes to look at Prime.
"This was the original plan. How is Annabelle?"
"She's playing with Barricade, in the mess hall. Ironhide tried to take her, but she wouldn't stop screaming." Ratchet replied and pushed Prime aside to check on his patient.
"And Sam?"
"He's with your wife. They're on their way here." Ironhide confirmed.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Will muttered.
"You had no choice…" Ratchet started.
"Not that. She'll freak out when she'll learn I left Annabelle with Frenzy and Barricade."
"That's the strangest reaction to Megatron's company I've ever seen." Prime commented.
"That's because I'm nuts. Speaking of the asshole, is there a way to remove the mark from skin? I feel like it says "Megatron been there, done that." With me as 'that'."
Ratchet touched his forehead.
"No abnormal readings. Whatever Frenzy injected you must've affected your mind."
"Actually, humor is the best way of dealing with stress." Lennox commented. "I'd prescribe it to some of you but you're the doc here."
"Are you in pain? Do you need anything?" Prime asked, more to the point.
"I could use something to eat. I actually tried to start a hunger strike there. And you even say it..." He adressed Frenzy.
"One cupcake." Frenzy said. "Cansayitagain. Autobotsdon'tdigit."
"I thought this is what they're here for? To dig?" Will whispered, making Frenzy snicker and bounce, then winced as the hacker accidentally his the burn mark.
"That was far from your wisest choice, but you've been through a lot." Prime stated. "And you'll get better. Trust me on this one."
"Can I ask a personal question?" Will was tired but there was one thing he needed to know.
"Go ahead." Prime said, expecting a question about his own ordeal.
"Was it Ratchet who tried to kill Megatron?" That was at least unexpected.
"Yes. By slicing the main fuel line." The medic was obviously not proud of his actions.
"So did I. Let me shake your hand on that one." With that cleared, Lennox fell once again into healing sleep.
Ratchet shook his head. Prime nodded his agreement.
"I guess you owe Sarah an apology." The leader said.
"Yes. He proved himself to be stronger than any of us, and if I ever suspect that you as much as thought about Megatron going easy on him, you'll have to find a new way to walk, after I'm through with you." Ironhide said.
Satisfied that his human is getting better, Frenzy jumped off his 'pillow' and hurried to find something edible for humans that didn't imply sex. Will had enough as it is.
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Sarah arrived several hours later and was greeted by a sight of her daughter playing with a 'thing'. A small metallic thing, the kind her husband warned her about.
"Get away from my daughter." She cried out and headed towards Frenzy, with determination on her face.
"As fearless as your husband." Barricade commented from his looking spot near the base's entrance. "I'm Barricade, your resident spark-sitter. And that's Frenzy, world's ugliest teddy bear."
Bumblebee took aim at the larger Decepticon.
"What's with the attitude? I try to help you and you chase me with a gun?" Barricade raised his hands, showing that he was unarmed.
"Help how?" Bee hissed.
Sam placed a hand on Bee's leg.
"Easy now. Where are the Autobots?"
"Using human terminology, Ratchet is playing nurse, Ironhide is patrolling the perimeter and Prime is being a bad officer."
"How so?" Sarah asked.
"He's laughing his privates off."
Sam snickered at the bad pun.
"And Will?" Sarah started to understand why Bee denied ever seeing a sane Decepticon.
Barricade smirked and projected a hologram of a medical bed, with Will sitting on it and mouthing Ratchet off. Prime's laughter in the background made it look even stranger than it already was. To hear the leader become so uninhibited was strange at best.
"…Worse than Megatron. At least he knew when to stop." Will's voice sounded strained from attempting to hold his temper.
"It wouldn't be so bad if you'd stayed still." Ratchet barked.
"That's what all of you say."
"Last warning, then I'll gag you."
"And Frenzy makes a better drug dealer than you." If he only had one phrase before being silenced, then so be it.
"How so?" Ratchet asked with a low, dangerous tone.
"He doesn't make me giggle like a school girl. And he makes me fell better."
"I'm trying to make you feel better."
"By being a Pokemon?"
"Pokemon?" Ratchet looked puzzled.
"A Jamaican proctologist." (A/N No offence to Jamaicans meant)
A sound of metal crush told the observers that Prime fell over with laughter.
Following his example Sam and Bee slid to the ground and tried to stifle a fit of giggles. Even Barricade's frame shook with choked mirth.
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"They've been at it for two hours." The 'Police-Mech' explained. "Prime came to visit them about 20 minutes ago, and since we all could use some good laughs, and nobody seems to care, he's been cheerful like a pink sparkling femme ever since."
Sam and Bee howled and started rolling on the ground. Sarah smiled.
"That's why I love him. His sense of humor is like none other."
Frenzy pointed at the hologram and chirped something.
"He said: Look, brave daddy makes bad 'Bot miserable." Bee translated. Sam started crying with laughter, hugging Bee for dear life.
"That's good surveillance equipment you have." Sarah commented.
"It's part of Soundwave's payment to me for helping him with kids. Frenzy has 4 siblings, you know."
"Whoever he is, he underpaid you." Sam commented.
"I'm going to see my husband now." Sarah said. "And if Ironhide feels that you can be trusted with my daughter, I won't take her from your… Frenzy, is it?"
"Yep."
"Find him some Ritalin."
The human woman entered the base, with Sam and Bee following, still snickering.
"Ritalin?" Barricade preformed a quick search and nodded. "Ritalin is IN!"
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Sounds of crashes and laughter led the party towards the repair/ sick bay.
"Sarah, help." Prime actually begged when he saw her. "I'll die with laughter here!"
"He'd never been good at letting himself relax." Bee commented. (A/N Imagine your teenage kid being more mature than you.)
Ratchet and Will turned towards the laughing leader and both looked relieved.
"Mrs. Lennox, will you tell your husband to stay still?"
"Sarah, am I glad to see you."
"What happened to you?" She asked calmly.
"Some burns and bruises, nothing much. Oh, and I slept with Megatron. So Ratchet thought it will be a good idea to pump me with some alien drug, which makes me giggle. And Prime here isn't helping matters, like that giraffe from an old joke."
"The one with the bunny?" Sarah asked.
"That's the one."
"First of all, Ratchet, is whatever you're doing is vital, necessary or crucial?"
"Just some tests…"
"Then hands off my man. Will, can you control yourself?"
"I need to calm down. Would you believe they give this stuff to five-faced alien thingies?"
"You gave him Quintessan drugs?" Prime stopped laughing.
"Do I look like a complete fool to you?" Ratchet looked hurt. "And where did you hear that, Will?"
"Megs. He gave me something that had similar color, and made me feel the same. Only I couldn't move."
"Space Meow. It sounds like Space Meow drug. It's a mix of pain killers and strong intoxicant." Ratchet muttered. "They use this stuff as Dinobot tranquilizer, by adding it to Energon. And it has bizarre reaction with opiates." He paused. "Which I gave you for that burn." He added quetly.
"And you didn't check?" Sarah yelled.
"Frenzy gave me a drug list. It wasn't on it."
Sarah moaned.
"Did Megatron give you a list as well?"
"No, but…"
"Optimus Prime, is that oversized gun on the table is operational?" Sarah asked, pointing on one of Ironhide's spare cannons.
"It is…"
"Good. It seems that I agree with Megatron on few things." Sarah climbed at the table and studied the cannon closely.
"One is that you sleep with me and the other is?" Will started laughing again.
"I feel like shooting an Autobot." She muttered. "Start running, Wretched!"
Ratchet decided that retreat is a good idea, muttering about ungrateful humans.
Sarah smirked.
"Now, that includes all Autobots."
"Why didn't you just say you want some interface time?" Prime muttered.
Once he left, Will smirked.
"Missed you badly." He whispered to Sarah.
"So, where did the nasty 'Con hurt you? I'll kiss it all better."
A/N The giraffe joke:
A hippo from a zoo comes to the zoo keeper and asks him to move him to a different cage. The keeper asks it why. And it says: "I live near a bunny and a giraffe. The bunny (Will) tells jokes all day and the giraffe (Prime) laughs all night."
