CHAPTER SEVEN –

Time to Get Ma Learn On!

Twenty minutes in to her first class of the day, Professor McGonagall was regretting allowing Harry to sit in her class. He was sat in the middle row, his head slumped into his hand, eyes hanging at half-mast.

"Am I boring you, Harry?" McGonagall asked icily. Harry nodded without looking up, poking at his coffee cup.

Several students took a deep breath, and inched away, waiting for Mount McGonagall to erupt. "What is that?" She asked, pointing to his silver travel mug, now half-full of coffee.

Harry looked up, confused by the question. "Er... it's a cup, Professor." Harry replied slowly, as if speaking to a small child.

The Hufflepuff students all raised Protego shields, awaiting the inevitable pyroclastic eruption that was now sure to occur.

"And why is it in my classroom, Harry?" McGonagall asked slowly, her tone icy cold. Several students sitting near her shivered.

"Well," Harry replied innocently. "It gets lonely if I leave it in my room. For some reason, it gets scared that someone else will drink from it."

Harry's finger flickered, causing the cup to sprout little legs and arms, and stagger over to Harry. McGonagall had to work hard to hide the amusement she felt. The cup turned, showing a little face, full of panic.

"Please, Master Harry!" The cup's tiny high-pitched voice shouted. "Don't let them take me!"

Harry picked up the cup, and hugged it to his chest, whispering soothing noises, before he placed it back on the table.

McGonagall sighed, and nodded. "An excellent combination of charms and transfiguration, Harry."

Harry nodded, not understanding why she was rewarding him. "Okay?" He replied uncertainly.

Hermione sniggered, and covered her mouth with her hand. Harry really wasn't a morning person, even with enough coffee in him to jump start every person at Hogwarts.

Rolling her eyes, McGonagall turned back, and carried on with her lesson, certain that she had just gained some new wrinkles.


In Charms class, Professor Flitwick had heard about the defensive coffee cup, and was eager to see it himself. When the group entered and sat down, Flitwick waddled over.

"Harry?"

Harry looked at the diminutive Professor suspiciously. "Yes?"

"I've heard rumours about an interesting cup you have. I'd be most eager to see it." He smiled winningly.

"I'm down here!" A little voice shouted. Flitwick looked down to see the coffee cup on the floor, waving its little arms to get his attention. Flitwick giggled, and picked it up. The cup waved merrily at him, and winked.

"Well, this is marvellous!" The cup blew Flitwick a kiss, before wriggling. Still giggling, Flitwick passed the cup back to Harry, who placed it on his desk. He wiggled his finger again, causing the cup to return to normal.

"I'd be eager to see what other charms you can cast, Harry." Flitwick smiled. "From what I've been told, you've already passed your OWLs and NEWTs. Not really sure why you're in my class."

Harry scowled. "Would you like the truth, or a publicly acceptable answer, Professor?"

Flitwick raised an eyebrow. "The publicly acceptable answer, please."

Harry smiled winningly. "I was curious to see the education available here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Professor Flitwick."

Flitwick nodded. "And the truth?"

Scowling, Harry answered. "'Cause Dumbledore's a manipulative old bastard who won't leave me alone. He's abducted me twice, you know." He leaned in closer. "And I'm curious about those goat rumours. You've heard about his brother, I presume?" Harry arched an eyebrow, and leaned back.

Flitwick felt a new tick starting underneath his left eye. Harry grinned to himself. Two down... a dozen to go.

"Well, you wanted to see what I can do. So, what would you like to see?"

Flitwick reached underneath his desk and pulled out five Action Man figures, and placed them on the desk in front of Harry. "I'd like you to animate these toys, and have them perform independent actions."

Harry nodded and smiled to himself, remembering a Muggle movie that had been released just before last Christmas. Four of the figures were suddenly wearing red tunics with black pants, while the fifth was just wearing black pants, a red bandana holding back its suddenly long hair. A tune started playing in the classroom, Justin Finch-Fletchley, the only Muggleborn there, recognised it instantly, as the four figures engaged in hand to hand combat with the fifth, which was more than capable of battling them. Finally, it was one on one, and the long haired figure had the other figure by the throat. Drawing back a miniscule arm, it punched the head clean off the red fighter, watching as the body slumped to the desktop.

"Fatality!" Harry looked pleased with himself as a quick Reparo restored the action figures to their previous condition. "How was that, Professor?"

"Superb, Harry!" Filius Flitwick, duelling champion, Hogwarts Professor and Charms Master, was bouncing up and down in delight, not only at the awesome display of magic he had just witnessed, but also pleased that one of his action figures had managed to face 4-1 odds, and still win.

"Thank you. Their fight was settled in the only way possible. In Mortal Kombat!" Harry smiled. "With a K."

"You're a weird guy, Harry. Interesting and fun, but weird."


Muggle Studies was going to be fun. Professor Lily Potter was in charge of the class, and Harry was eager to see what mayhem he could cause in her class.

He sat at the front, ignoring the rest of the group, and plastered his most angelic look on his face. Hermione sat next to him, and looked at him suspiciously. "You're gonna do this all day, aren't you?"

Harry smiled at her, and nodded politely. "Yes. I'm just wondering how many teachers I can annoy in one day. Plus, this one has the evil harridan in it. I'm looking forward to Defence most, though." Harry let out an evil cackle, that had a dual-effect on Hermione. One was to make her shiver in fear, and the other made her shiver with desire.

She leaned in close. "Do that again, and we'll be late for Defence, Harry." She whispered.

Giving her his best 'who, me?' look, he also leaned in close. "Why's that, my sweet Hermione?"

"Because I'll drag you off somewhere, and... discipline you." She raised an eyebrow, trying her best to look intimidating.

"Really." Harry drawled. He placed his lips right next to her ear, and laughed quietly. She shuddered, and glared at him.

"Stop it!" She hissed.

Harry stuck out his tongue, before turning back and looking at Professor Potter.

"Good day, class. Welcome to Muggle Studies." Lily stared at her son for a moment, before continuing. "In this class, we teach the difference between Wizards and Muggles, and how to pass as a Muggle."

Harry pulled out his shrunken laptop, and expanded it on the desk. Hermione, following his lead, pulled out the small PDA Harry had given her, and turned it on.

"What're those?" Lily asked.

Harry rolled his eyes, and chuckled loudly. "Oh, this is priceless. Tell me, Professor, how you can teach people about the Muggle world, without being able to recognise Muggle technology?"

Lily blushed. "I've not had the chance to inspect the latest technology. It looks like an electrical device."

Harry rolled his eyes, earning a glare from his mother. "It's a laptop computer. This particular device has the ability to scan texts magically, and store them on the mainframe at my home. It's also powered by magic, so it never needs to be recharged." He pointed to Hermione's PDA. "That is a smaller, more advanced piece of technology, also powered by magic. Its main functions are for communications and accessing the library files."

Lily extended her hand. "May I see?" Harry shook his head. "Sorry, no. The work is patented and the devices are protected. It won't work for you."

"I'll have to confiscate the devices." Lily said. "Enchanting Muggle objects is against the law. The Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office will have to be notified."

"Really?" Harry asked. "Why?"

Lily looked at him with the 'patient Dumbledore' look that so infuriated Harry. "Because it's against the law, Harry."

"It's against the law to enchant objects and then allow them to fall into Muggle hands. Since this technology can only be operated by myself and anyone I key into them, it's falls outside the law. The devices will self-destruct if anyone but me opens them."

"Nevertheless, Harry, I'll have to confiscate them, and hand them in to the Ministry." Lily said, holding out her hand.

Harry sighed, and closed the laptop. He waved his hand, shrinking the device, before slowly and deliberately placing it into his cloak pocket. "No."

Lily drew her wand, and aimed it directly at Harry. "Hand over the device, or I'll have no choice but to stun you, and take it from you."

Hermione discretely put the PDA into her pocket, and covered it with a glamour charm.

"You know, this brings back some memories. Mummy taking something of mine, to be handed to my 'betters'."

Lily stopped dead, the scorn in his voice warring with her being called 'mummy'.

"You see, Professor, I am not a student. You have no authority over me. I've broken no laws, or school rules. All I see is a sad, pathetic woman, desperately trying to stamp what little authority she has on someone who really doesn't give a wet, soapy wank about her authority." Harry rolled his eyes at the volley of drawn in breath from the fellow students. He pulled his laptop out of his pocket, and threw it in to the air, where a flash of fire revealed the existence of a diving Hedwig, who snatched up the computer and disappeared. "Whoops. I seem to have lost it. I hope no Muggles find it."

"You little shit!"

"Mum! You're back!" Harry's face suddenly turned furious. "It's so good to see you after a decade, Mrs Potter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe this is the point where I make a quiet, dignified exit where you look impotent and ineffectual."

Lily Potter was outraged as the young man strode towards the door. "Of all the-"

"Ah ah ah! Dignified exit." The door closed behind him, the snick of the lock acting as a perfect full stop.


"You enjoyed that, didn't you?"

Harry looked at Hermione from where he was applying warpaint to the statue of Gregory the Smarmy. "You're damn right I did. Didn't you?"

Hermione, bookish, quiet Hermione, laughed loudly. "I did. I get the feeling, though, that lunch is going to be very interesting. I also imagine that DADA this afternoon is also going to be interesting."

Harry smiled, but it was a smile that didn't go to his face. "Interesting, certainly. But not exactly what you'd call fun."


James Potter tore through the corridors of Hogwarts with a passion, his boots slamming in to the ground, advertising his anger to anyone within listening distance. Approaching 5th Year DADA between the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, his mind was full of righteous indignation at the way his son had treated his wife, in full view of her own class. He barrelled through the door, slamming it behind him with a gesture over his shoulder with his wand.

"Right, wands out, everyone. We'll be having mock duels. Get with your assigned partners and practice stunning and disarming. Son, since you don't have a partner, you'll be duelling me."

Harry, engrossed in his laptop with a particularly challenging game of Doom, ignored everything around him. Hermione, facing off against Susan Bones, watched as Harry frantically tapped the spacebar, firing his pistol as a monster that looked suspiciously like a meatball with a face. A laugh suddenly squelched out, ending the game.

"Bastarding bollocking shite!" He slammed the top of the laptop down, shutting the machine off. "Four off the high score. Four! It's Defence Against the Dark Arts, for Christ's sake, and I get killed by a bastarding Cacodemon!" He looked around, and saw the students looking shocked, the professor thunderous. "Um, hi?"

"Potter, get your arse up to the front of the class and prepare to duel!"

Harry leaned in to Hermione, who unconsciously tilted her head to one side, shuddering as Harry's warm breathe breezed down her neck. "Is he talking to himself? That can't be a good sign."

"I think he's talk to you, Harry."

"Nope, he definitely said Potter." He shrugged, and wandered over to the window. "Hmm, looks like there's a storm brewing. Of course, with weather like this, I get the feeling it's closer than I think." With his hands concealed from everyone's view, he tapped the small rune on the underside of his gauntlet, activating his armour's battle mode silently.

Professor James Potter was not, by nature, a placid, quiet man, but a man who believed that action was usually the best policy. Raising his replacement wand at Harry's back, he felt his lip curl in disdain.

"Stupefy!"

The red curse shot out from the wand, to splash harmlessly on the ancient castle stones as Harry suddenly ducked, moving faster than normal as he wheeled on Potter, smashing him bodily in the stomach, and then crashing a two-handed blow on the back of the older man's head, watching him fall in to unconsciousness. Harry smiled, and then jumped, landing in the lotus position, sitting on the teacher's desk.

"Now, class, what you have seen here is hubris, the destructive pride the renders rational judgement suspect. This is a double DADA lesson, and I happen to have my mastery. If you'd like, I could maybe impart a morsel of knowledge or two, if you're interested."

The students quickly took their seats, staring at the young man in front of them with awe.

"Okay, then. Now, you've all learnt how to cast Protego as a form of magical defence, but this spell cannot block the Unforgivables. However, through Transfiguration, we learn about conjuration." He gestured with his hand, conjuring a balloon that floated at chest height. "Now, watch what happens when this balloon is hit with the Cruciatus." He aimed his hand at the balloon, and narrowed his eyes. "Crucio!" The balloon exploded outwards as the red blast hit it, everyone jumping with the noise.

"Now, Padma, I want you to conjure a solid wall, right her, as quick as you can."

Harry watched as the girl summoned a wall made of granite, an inch thick, in just over a second. Conjuring a new balloon behind the wall, he aimed at the wall. "Crucio!"

This time, the spell shot out and decimated the wall, leaving the balloon bobbing in the displaced air, but still intact.

"As you can see, you can't block the spells with magic. A good old fashioned wall, however, can do the job quite nicely. Personally, I'd recommend marble, as I can tell you now that gravestones make an excellent shield against Avada Kedavra. Now, all of you, I want you to summon the thickest marble wall you can. I'll be throwing bludgeoning hexes at your walls randomly; if they break through, they may wind you a little, but no harm otherwise. I'll call out your name and then launch the hex, while you defend." He looked at them all expectantly; none of them moved. "There's a case of Butterbeer in it for the person who creates the thickest wall quickly." The students all jumped to their feet. House points were well and good, but Butterbeer was Butterbeer.

Harry shook his head in amusement, while cracking his knuckles. Time to play...


"Another Potter. What fun."

"You know, Sevvie, I wonder, what's the more dangerous potion ingredient, Basilisk venom or all that grease that drips from your hair? I mean, what does that stuff do if it goes in to a delicate potion?"

"Ten points from Ravenclaw for cheek to a teacher." Snape used sneer number 4, the 'If I can't punish you, then I'll punish someone you like' sneer.

"Actually, I think you'll find that it should be 'observations to El Greaseball', but, you know, Sevvie, whatever works for you."

"Twenty points from Ravenclaw! I will break you of this arrogance, Potter, if it's the last thing I do."

It probably will be, you horror movie reject. Harry looked down at Hermione's bench, where she was chopping dried nettles with a silver dagger. She did not look impressed with 30 points lost in as many seconds, but she didn't really blame Harry; Snape would've taken them from her house anyway. She placed the nettles to one side, and was trying to cut up her sopophorous beans to release their juices. The small beans were possessed of a tough outer skin, which made them difficult to cut.

Harry leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Try crushing it with the flat of the blade." Hermione obeyed, and bean's juices gushed out in a torrent. "Now, add the juice and add a clockwise stir for every seven counter-clockwise."

Wandering round the room, he passed instructions to the Hufflepuff's and Ravenclaws, all of whom looked grateful for the assistance, with no cauldron's suddenly exploding. Snape looked livid.

Harry, though, was having fun, pouring ingredients that he pulled from inside his cloak in to a cauldron, watching it simmer and boil with a careful eye.

"Mr Potter, what do you think you are doing, making unknown concoctions in my Potions lab?"

"Well, firstly, don't call me Potter, as I'm not one, and secondly, I think, and I am, in fact, making unknown concoctions in your Potions lab." He looked innocent for a moment. "Ten points from the faculty for asking a stupid question." He looked at Ernie McMillan at the next bench. "I tell you, making Potions would be so much easier if we didn't have the usual bunch of dunderheads who usually teach."

Snape looked apoplectic, his hand on his wand as if to blast Harry clear across the lab.

"Now, that would be stupid. I mean, it's not like we're sitting here with magically active ingredients directly behind me. If I was to suddenly move, for example, who knows what would happen with that curse."

Snape stalked back to his desk, sitting down and taking out a stack of essays to mark, his eye twitching wildly.

The lesson eventually ended, with all of the students handing in perfect potions to be marked, and they all headed out to the corridor, waiting for the newest honorary Ravenclaw/Hufflepuff (the two houses both considered him 'one of them', and weren't in the mood to fight, as he seemed to be quite happy to be a Badger and a Bird) to join them. Harry ambled up to the front of the empty classroom, placing down his vial on the corner of Snape's desk, as if wanting the potion to be marked. He got as far as the door before Snape called him.

"Potter? Is this your work?"

"Yes, Professor."

Snape looked gleeful. "Be glad you aren't relying on my passing your work. I believe this would be a T." He flicked the vial off of his desk with a quill, watching as it sailed at the floor. As soon as it hit the cold stone, it exploded, releasing a mustard yellow gas that was immediately trapped in Snape's heavy robes, giving off a fearful stench. Looking up through watering eyes, he saw the hated Potter heading down the corridor, accelerating quickly. An overwhelming wave of nausea overtook him, and he fell to his knees, vomiting heavily. This is not a good day...


Hermione leaned against the wall in the entrance courtyard, breathing heavily. Her fellow classmates were all with her, panting and laughing at the same time.

"What was that?"

Harry looked amused, and not in the least bit winded. "That, my dear Hermione, was a pellet of rancid gas in a suspension of glyceryl trinitrate and water."

Ernie looked at Justin, who just shrugged. "What?"

"Dungbomb Dynamite." Harry laughed. "Normal dungbombs just sort of let the smell seep out. The explosives make sure the gas shoots straight upright, nicely all on Snape's robes. My advice? Don't get too close to him at lunch time. I added an enthusiastic helping of garlic to it, so the stench will be nicely absorbed by his skin."

He held a parchment of instructions to make the potion out behind his back, where a pair of red-headed twins walked past, plucking the parchment out of his hand, and placing it inside of their robes.

Harry reached out to Hermione, who shyly took his hand, and smiled at him.

"You know, I think I could get to like school."