Rated G for Gay. A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer homoeroticism. You have been warned…


"My name is Leon S. Kennedy," said Leon in his usual narrative manner.

"Wait, what is he doing?" questioned Salazar from up top.

Ashely sighed "He… he just likes to do this sometimes. Just wait until he's done."

"I have been sent to Mexico in order to rescue the President's daughter," continued the agent, oblivious to the other two "but while there I found a cult of zombies."

"Plaga."

"Zombies who plan to take over the world!" finished Leon, "I retrieved Ashley but thanks to stupid Hunnigan, the chopper was shot down twice. We thought it would be safe hiding in this restaurant, but it turns out it was owned by an evil pirate!"

"I AM NOT A PIRATE!" Salazar screeched, waving his hook hand around angrily.

"And that's where we are now." said the American agent. After a short pause, he seemed to come back into reality, where he demanded Salazar release them from his clutch. Singular clutch in this case due to him having only one good hand.

"I think not!" smirked the castellan, "For you see, these two special Ganado next to me are actually Verdugo!" he pointed to the two cloaked figures on either side of himself.

"Uh… okay?" Leon said.

"… it means it takes like two rocket launchers to kill them!" tried Salazar. That got Leon's attention, he ordered Ashley to go behind him, cocked his shotgun and clenched his manly buttocks in anticipation.

"So… you're going to send those two after me and take Ashley while I'm distracted?" guessed the agent.

"Nope! Instead I'll let you wander around the castle for a little bit to let you collect money to buy better weapons from the Merchant. And then I'll send ONE of them after you!" replied Salazar "IT IS THE PERFECT EVIL PLAN!"

And then he left.

Leon and Ashley stood there for a solid minute before realizing he really wasn't going to come after him. They looked at each other with the most confused expressions on their face. Finally, Leon broke the silence "Huh… well he's incompetent at his job."

They looked at the white wall in front of them that Salazar had raised earlier to block their path. Upon closer inspection, it looked like an ornamental wall but some of the pieces had been removed. "OH BHUDDA NO." Leon cursed, "It's another stinking puzzle! We have to find three pieces and put them on the wall to pass this place! THIS RESTAURANT IS THE WORST!"

"Leon I don't think we're in a dining area, didn't you hear that pirate guy say this was a castle?" Ashley piped up.

"Hold that thought Ashley- look, a door!" Leon spotted a metal door to their right which would hopefully get them out of there. He grabbed the President's daughter and took off through the door. After a short hallway, Leon and Ashley found themselves in a brightly decorated area, with a heavy iron door to their left.

"Prisión para gays…" Leon noted the sign on the wall "Huh. I wonder what that means?"

"MORIR ES VIVIR! (*That's where we locked up Gay Jose, don't let him free!)" cried out a monk zombie. Quickly, he summoned more of his companions and slowly all three of them walked towards our heroes. Leon popped up his new Riot Gun and shot them all seven times in the head- where their heads exploded to reveal giant pale worms.

"Oh my Allah! They can turn themselves into Exorgorths!" Leon cried out. He pulled out his sniper rifle and sniped them all from 1 meter away. Because Leon Kennedy is THAT… actually no wait, that isn't very impressive. Leon bent over their dead dissolving bodies, made a cross over his body and prayed "Peace be upon you."

Ashley threw her arms in the air after hearing all these random religious phrases "I thought you were an atheist?"

"I don't even know what I am anymore!" Leon admitted. He felt like going into a soliloquy upon truth and myth, the evils of religion but its rightful place as a cornerstone of human social achievement and the blurred lines between the two extremes, creating an area of unknown. And then he saw a shiny thing and ran towards it.

On a portrait in front of him was a key, to which Leon took because if Raccoon City taught him anything, it was that looting things whenever possible increased your survival rate. To his left, there was a literal wall of fire, so there was no way to go that way. Guessing that the key he picked up earlier lead to the Prisión, the American agent headed back to the door.

With a quick turn of the key, the bolted door unbolted and opened, revealing downward stairs to a cold, stone chamber. Leon silently nodded to Ashley, giving her tactical military commands using hand gestures. Unfortunately Ashley did not understand the intricacies of military hand command and Leon only knew the bird flapping one, so he just whispered for her to follow closely.

Descending into the dreary, desolate dungeon of despair, Leon and Ashley slowly came up to two prisión cells. One of them was empty, but the other one held captive a tall muscular man wearing what could only be described as a male dominatrix outfit. His eyes had been sewn shut, and his breathing was steady, indicating he was sleeping within his bed of chains, which kept him glued to the wall. A sign was above his head, one that Leon could actually read: "#44, Gay Jose"

"Gay Jose?" Ashley whispered, "Is that his name?"

"Hold on, let me get Hunnigan on the line. She can translate Spanish." Leon popped out his phone- but then remembered it was still broken from his kick "New plan, we instantly become bilingual to translate from Zombie to English."

"How can we do that?" questioned Ashley incredulously.

The noise being made by their talking stirred Gay Jose.

"We'll try really, REALLY hard." said Leon confidently, "And then it'll work somehow."

The black masked man cocked his head slightly, adjusting to hear the voices more carefully.

"Leon, just because you believe in something doesn't mean it will happen!" Ashley said back.

"Not true. Remember that time you defeated 2,000 zombies by just believing?"

"No-but- that was-"

"Then it's settled. Concentrate Ashley! Think zombie thoughts! Be Mexican!" The ADHD agent closed his eyes and tried to blank his mind for meditation, but could only think about the economic policies of Switzerland.

Figuring it was easier just to go along with Leon, Ashley tentatively closed her eyes. Suddenly, she heard the sounds of chains snapping, and couldn't help but open her eyes. There, she saw the prisióner slowly snapping away at his chains "Leon! Leon!"

"Wow Ashley, you mastered Zombie already? That was fast." congratulated Leon, who still couldn't get past the infamous Switzerland sock-puppet incident which shaped their economic ties for 150 years.

"NO! BEHIND YOU!" Leon turned around just in time to see the masked shirtless man lunge through his own cell wall, nearly grabbing Leon as he crashed. The figure stood up to his full 7 foot height and then, by using the powers of homosexuality, grew two foot long wolverine claws on his wrists.

"OH SHIT!"

Leon shot at Gay Jose with all he had, but because Jose had worked out so much, the bullets just deflected off of his huge muscles. Jose charged at Leon, who rolled out of the way just in time, where Jose had his claw stuck in the wall.

Leon noticed something on the man's back, but before he could do anything the masked man freed his claw and began swiping in the air randomly. Leon was confused, until he remembered that the dude's eyes were shut.

"That's it! He's blind! Maybe I can take advantage of that!" Leon said. Unfortunately Jose heard that and charged once again.

"RAAAAAGGGHHH!" yelled Jose, slashing in Leon's direction, which translated roughly to "I'm going to get revenge on you idiots for locking me up!". The American agent dodged, ducked, dipped dived and dodged Jose's giant claws, but could find no opening. Ashley hid in the corner, remaining as quiet as possible despite Leon calling for backup.

Finally, Leon spied his ticket to victory- a bell five meters away. Knowing that ringing bells always worked out in the end, Leon quickly sniped the thing from five meters because LEON IS THAT F***KING AWESOME and the bell gave a clear ring, which caught the attention of the plaga infested gay man. Jose yelled again and charged at the bell, once again getting his claw stuck in it. Leon saw a giant pulsating plaga on his back and fire at it ten times with his shotgun, each time spewing pus, blood and hot chocolate for each round. This caused Jose to collapse dead from the damage and loss of fluids.

Leon breathed a sigh of relief, calling Ashley over, then smacking her across the head for not backing him up with her twenty grenades "I don't have any grenades!" was her immediate protest.

"Yes you do! Just look at your- OHHHH riighhttt… those are your boobs." remembered Leon. Ashley tried to smack him across the head but something shiny caught Leon's attention, causing her to miss. It was a shiny red lever, which when pulled, turned off the fire in the earlier room. Leon congratulated himself and told Ashley it was time to move on.

The two tried to leave the room but then, they heard moaning. Gay Jose was weak, but still alive. Leon walked over, cocking his handgun for dramatic effect "One more shot ought to do it."

Ashley once again distanced herself and watched Leon, when suddenly…

"Damn… it…!" Jose said in a hoarse whisper "Just because I'm a little different… Just because I like men, I get tortured… have my eyes sewn… and now I get killed by a random stranger? Just my fricken luck…"

Ashley narrowed her eyes in confusion. Leon held his gun directly to the plaga on Jose's back "Stop growling at me. I have to kill you now because you are pure evil."

Jose whimpered "All I ever wanted was true love…!"

Leon pressed his trigger finger into- "WAIT!"

The agent paused as Ashley ran over "Wait a minute Leon, please!". Although confused, Leon let Ashley closer to the death dealing zombie, one of the smarter moves of his career "You… you aren't all that bad, huh?" Ashley said in a gentle voice.

"No…" cried Jose, "They gave me these claws and locked me up… although I'm surprised you can speak my language."

"Of course I can!" smiled Ashley, "We both speak English!"

Gay Jose was confused "…um… but I'm speaking in Zombie right now… it's uh, kind of the only language I know due to being… well, dead…" Ashley paused. The blonde agent came back over and said "Ashley, stop growling at the zombie, I know you want me to kill him but this is dishonorable."

In the split second that Leon grabbed his gun, everything clicked in Ashley's mind. She stopped him again and exclaimed "Wait, Leon! I can speak Zombie!"

"YOU CAN!?"

"GRAAAH!? (*YOU CAN!?)"

"Yeah! I can understand him and everything!" Ashley told Leon. The agent proudly put his hand on her shoulder "You see Ashley, the power of belief!"

"But I don't- But I- This…" realizing she had absolutely no idea why she could suddenly speak Zombie, Ashley just chalked it up to the author being lazy and spoke to Leon. She told him that maybe Gay Jose wasn't so bad, and that they didn't need to kill him.

"Please, Gay Jose, tell us your story." Leon decided to give the man a chance.

"GRAH!? *(While lying on the ground bleeding to death!?)" gasped the man in a pool of his own blood, pus and hot chocolate.

"I thought you were already dead?" questioned Ashley. Gay Jose sighed and began to tell his story.


Osmund Saddler cleared his throat before addressing his flock "My fellow Illuminados… we have grown considerably this past year! At this rate, we will become the fastest growing religion of all time! Take that, Islam!"

Cheers from his zombie flock, including Gay Jose, who was sitting two rows from the back.

"More good news! I have successfully convinced Ramon Salazar to our cause by stuffing a parasite up his anus! He has given me complete control over this area, so we have gone into full theocracy mode!"

More cheers erupted from the crowd. One zombie ate his wife in excitement.

Saddler continued, "And so, I will lay our wonderful ground rules, conveniently carved onto these two stone tablets-" the purple cloaked man grabbed two stone tablets, each with five rules on them "-which is totally my original idea! And if anyone says otherwise, kill them! Now then, here are the ten rules in which we shall live and die by!

"Commandment one: I am the Lord Saddler, who has freed you from your pesky free will!
Commandment two: Don't join another religion or leave this one! Or else!
Commandment three: Obey all rules!
Commandment four: Though shalt not covet unless it is sufficiently shiny!
Commandment five: Slaves are OK!
Commandment six: Remember Monday, for it is accursed. Do not do anything on Monday.
Commandment seven: Never question me or the church, for that may lead to critical thinking!
Commandment four: Kill anyone who is different from us!
Commandment eight: The hierarchy is this: Me Salazar Men Dirt Feces Women
Commandment nine: Don't think! OBEY.
Commandment ten: Your codename can't be cooler than mine!"

Saddler finishes his list, looking rather pleased at how his new theocracy was turning out "Are there any questions regarding the ten commandments?"

A zombie raised her hand "GRAH? (*Why are there two number four commandments?)"

In order to quash this potential critical though, which went specifically against their religious code, Saddler peacefully murdered her on the spot in the name of righteousness "Any other questions?"

Another zombie raised their hand "GRAH… GRAH? (*About er, Commandment four… who specifically should we kill?)"

"A good question." chuckled Saddler, "As a general rule of thumb, if anyone who dresses differently, talks differently, has a different skin color or God forbid- thinks differently than you, then you kill him.

"But as for specifics… kill all Atheists, Muslims, Christians, Hindus, anyone else with a different religion, Scientists, Philosophers, Teachers, Pirates, Ninjas, Luis, Americans, anyone prettier than me, Gummy Bears, Naruto cosplayers, Cataclyptic, the cast of Friends, Albert Wesker's pet goldfish and of course, the homosexuals."

At the mention of that last thing, Gay Jose froze. All zombies in the room turned to look at him, prompting the merciful Lord Saddler to ask for an explanation. Gay Jose pleaded with Saddler, asking if it was truly a sin to love another of the same sex.

"Oh yes, it's very bad." Saddler said grimly, "I have watched over 50 hours of gay porn on the internet for analysis and suffice it to say, homosexuality is a grave sin…"

Gay Jose pleaded with Saddler to spare his life- he would do anything to repent for his sins. After thinking for a bit, Saddler concluded that the only way for him to repent was gay conversion therapy. the bodybuilder happily agreed to try it.


"… And then they plucked out my eyes, locked me up for two weeks and hoped that would make me not gay anymore!" finished Jose, sobbing.

"Oh my goodness… that's horrible!" Ashley cried.

"I know…" said Leon, "How can there be two fourth commandments!?"

"FOCUS, LEON." snarled the blonde haired girl, "You have to forgive my friend, he's… well he's Leon."

"I understand… I can accept your friends disability if you can accept mine…" said the masked man. Ashley told him in a soothing voice that there was nothing wrong with him- that Gay Jose was perfect the way he was. The tall muscular man began to cry tears of joy.

Leon was touched by the scene of Jose's bloody tears of joy. He felt like going into a soliloquy about xenophobia, how the instinct of tribalism still ran rampant within the human imagination and its subconscious effects on the well-being of the minority. But then he saw Ashley's humongous breasts, gaped at how huge they were for a 16 year old, and promptly forgot about it.

"Leon, we can't just leave this guy here to die. We need to help him!"

"My thoughts exactly. Here you go." Leon used an instant healing spray on Gay Jose, the last one he had. The healing took effect and the masked man was back on his feet, healthy as a dead person could be.

"GRAH."

"He says 'Thank you'." Ashley translated to Leon. *Gay Jose joined the party!* After explaining their current situation, how Ashley was the president's daughter and they were stuck in this restaurant/castle, all three began to move. Together, the group went back to the flame room, which no longer had flames in it; the path was cleared to another door.

"GRAH, GRAH GRAH. (*I can hear my brethren behind that door.)" said Jose, "GRAH, GRAH! (*As a token of my appreciation, allow me to slaughter them to clear a path!)"

Ashley began translating to Leon, but before she was finished Jose was already gone through the door. True to his word, the garrador burst in and began to manslaughter everything in sight. Unfortunately, there were far too many enemies and some of them had flaming crossbows, so Leon pitched in to help. Together, the two of them fended off the first area of zombies.

A second wave soon followed, and for some reason they had no qualms about trying to hit Ashley. Leon and Jose surrounded her from two sides and took any blows that were meant for her. "What the hell? I though they needed Ashley alive, why are they aiming their weapons at her!?"

"I don't know!" screamed Ashley.

"GRAH!"

Another archer appeared and fired a flaming arrow at Ashley's heart. Unfortunately he missed and hit her boobs instead, which made the arrow bounce off harmlessly. Eventually, after taking some blows, kicking ass, and many GRAH's of rage, the second wave had dissipated leaving the area clear.

"Good work!" Leon congratulated his new friend. All three of them began to loot the corpses for weapons and items, which was good for Leon since he had nearly run out of ammo. After the looting, he had all the ammo he needed to take down Salazar. The three of them journeyed into the next area where they saw two cranks elevated above them and the next door surrounded by water.

"Oh no!" said Leon, "There's water, we can't pass!"

"GRAH! (*I don't know to swim!)"

"Actually the water's just two feet deep." Ashley noted.

"We can't possibly swim that far!"

"GRAAH, GRAHH!"

"IT'S TWO FEET DEEP! WE CAN TOTALLY SWIM OVER THERE!"

The blonde man sighed "Look Ashley, just because you have two inflatable silicon buoys doesn't mean we all have some."

"GRAH."

"MY BREASTS AREN'T FAKE!" Ashley screamed for the umpteenth time that day.

"I bet those cranks operate something. We should use them to cross this insurmountable ocean!" noted Leon, ignoring her. Ashley cursed underneath her breath and, figuring Leon could boost her up to get to the cranks. Gay Jose decided to follow her just in case reinforcements arrived. Sure enough, as soon as Ashley started cranking the first one, more plaga monks arrived to try and kill them both.

From below, Leon shot at the zombies with various weapons, each time berating them for 'bringing maces to a gun fight' while up top Jose protected Ashley while she turned the crank. After a few minutes of turning the handles, both cranks were fully turned and a bridge rose up from the depths of two feet which connected their area to the next over the water. Just in time too, since all the zombies were defeated.

Ashley leapt down, but Jose stayed up top, staring at one of the passageways the reinforcements came from. He quickly growled something in his zombie language to Ashley, then ran away into one of the passageways.

"Huh? What happened?" questioned Leon "Does he have to take a huge dump? Do zombies do that?"

"No he-" Ashley sighed. She explained: "He says that in order to get to Salazar, we need those three ornament pieces, right? He already knows where one is, so he's going to go get it and bring it to us."

"Okay… but how will he find us again?" questioned Leon.

For once, Leon asked a relevant question. Ashley pursed her lips "Um… that's a good question actually…I… I don't know…"

In reality, Gay Jose could find them any time at anywhere. He had noticed this during their battle, but for some reason, he could sense the president's daughter at any location. He didn't want to tell them about that fact though- they might think he was straight.

Despite not knowing where their new friend would be, Leon was confident they would all meet up safely again. He and Ashley crossed the bridge to the next area, and going through the door revealed a giant room with many doors and ornate upside down statues. They walked slowly down the path, in awe.

"Let's see, where do we go from here?" Leon asked aloud. As he looked through the possible doors, he saw that at the end of a long hallway were chain cuff makers, and the end was lined suggesting a trap.

"Ashley, I think there's a trap over there. Don't go in that direction." but Ashley didn't hear him, she was exploring the area. Ashley found a treasure chest and was prompted to open it up. Inside was a green shiny jewel, she took it and walked over to give it to Leon, thinking he may have a use for it.

She noticed where Leon was looking and gazed at the end of the corridor herself. The agent was looking puzzled, as there was something there in the trap: "What is that thing taped to the end of the wall? It's looks like a piece of clothing… two cuplike structures attached to a strap…"

And then Ashley became horrified.

"Wait is that a bra!? No, it can't be. It's way too big to be a bra, there's no way anybody could fit in it."

How the hell did they get that!? How- wait, it must have been when she was captured! Yeah that's right, they took her suitcase and everything so it wasn't unreasonable to assume they'd have it.

"Hey, there's words on it that I can make out!" squinted Leon, leaning in to read the words without setting off the trap "A bunch of numbers and letters!"

OH SHIT.

"NO LEON DON'T READ IT!" Ashley screamed, knowing that if he read those numbers the boob jokes for this story would increase exponentially. She ran as fast as she could to her undergarment and swiped it before Leon could read her true cup size. Unfortunately she was so flustered and bent on getting back what was hers that Ashley failed to notice Leon screaming "IT'S A TRAP!" over and over again.

As soon as she took back her bra, metal bars burst from the wall which bound and restricted Ashley's movement, chaining her to the wall. Leon tried to get her free but as she screamed in terror, the wall flipped over, switching the back and front.

Ashley was now on the other side of a five foot thick stone wall.

"NO!" Leon screamed. He tried to kick the wall but it didn't work "Ashley! Don't panic, I'll save you!"

Leon cocked his gun and clenched his buttocks in anticipation. Ashley was alone and afraid. Something about that object had scared her, enough to make her waltz into an obvious trap. Leon vowed to find a way to get Ashley back no matter what. And while he was at it, he would solve a mystery too.

"32W… what does it mean?" Leon mused to himself. Truly, there were many mysteries to be solved in this castle. Leon felt like going into a soliloquy of the unknown and the dangers thereof; how mystery drove the quest for new knowledge but might contain dangers unbeknownst to man. Like whatever this '32W' meant. Leon went to look for another door.