BCM999: X.X I hate school. It interferes with my ability to update stuff because of HOMEWORK. But summer's here. YAY!
Lyude: What's school? ..
BCM999: You don't go to school. X.X
Lyude: Oh… That didn't clear anything up. Is it a fast food chain? I like sandwiches.
BCM999: How easily we get off topic. --'
Disclaimer: Me no own Baten Kaitos or anything I did that isn't mine in this story. XD
I like these little dividing lines XD
Review Responses…
Rebbe- XD I'll finish the Valentine's Day one. Sometime soon if I get time. XD And you're still polkaing? XD watches the polkaing Rebbe O.o My compy says polkaing is actually a word. O.o XD
NekoHaruna- XD I love your Mary Sue quote. XD Steve getting anthrax? O.o XD I must hear! DX
Ebby- XD Salt gets rid of Greythornes? O.o XD I didn't know that either. XD and I make up words all the time. 'They should be in the dictionary but aren't' type of words. :p
The Shadowfox Mistress- Aww! Thank you!
freakyanimegal456- XD Kratos is hot, isn't he?XD And I updated! YARR!
" " - talking
' ' - the almighty Authoress because she feels a need to be included...
Random Fairy Tales: Baten Kaitos Style!
Written by BlueCresentMoon999 6/14/06
Chapter Seven: Goldilocks and the Three Bears
So, ahem, once upon a time, there were three bears (giggle) that lived deep inside the Holoholo Jungle in a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny cabin, concealed with numerous vines and a moat of DOOM full of water and spell shellfish, or whatever those dumb clams are called, that would bite your head off if you got too close. Nice place, really. Every now and often, the Authoress here loves to go there to have a jolly spot of tea. Unless if the sugar for the tea is accidentally replaced with salt, of course. Then… ugh. Salty tea. Whoever likes that? Oh… anyways. The three bear's (giggle) names were Gibari, Savyna, and Kalas.
The Authoress' entertaining narration was paused momentarily to show Gibari, Savyna, and Kalas in silly bear (giggle) suits of a chocolate color. HA. Imagine Savyna in a bear (giggle) suit. Kalas had to be in a wheelchair because of untold injuries. I don't want to get sued.
"My maft meef maf ming," Kalas complained.
"Excuse me?" Gibari inquired, confused. "I'm sorry, but I have no clue what a maft is. Or a meef. Or… a… maf… Or… … … 'ming'…"
"MY MAFT MEEF MAF MING."
Savyna's eyes narrow at Kalas as she tried to decipher him mumbled speech. "Gibari, I think it's trying to communicate with us."
The Skyfarer scratched the top of his head in thought… And because his head was itchy. Well, what do you expect, fool? He was stuck in a bear (giggle) suit all day for this. "I know that much… But…" There was deadly silence. "…Yes. I know. Surprising. -.-" Gibari dully added. "But I can't make out what a meef is."
"Perhaps it's a riddle," Savyna suggested, "and we have to solve it."
"IF WE DO, DO WE GET A TRIP TO CANCUN?" Gibari excitedly exclaimed in question.
"Shut up. We're not on a game show."
"Well, we SHOULD be. But nooooooo."
"MY MAFT MEEF MAF MING," Kalas screamed from under his bear (giggle) mask.
Gibari gasped in realization. "We have to rhyme with his words to get the phrase! 'I… draft… beef… calf… ding.' Whatever that means."
Savyna smacked the back of his head, causing him to gawk. Teehee. Gawk is a funny word. "You nitwit. That makes less sense."
"Well YOU try rhyming!"
She took to his challenge and pulled out her thinking cap. No, not literally. That would be stupid. :p " 'Fly… raft… reef… Uh… … …"
"HA!" Gibari pointed a finger accusingly at her, "YOU CAN'T DO IT!"
"MY MAFT MEEF MAF MING," Kalas hollered one last time before pulling his bear (giggle) mask off. "I can't see a thing."
Savyna and Gibari stared at him, dumbfounded. The woman's eyes began to glow red. "That's what the Authoress has been rambling on about for a page?"
Kalas nodded eagerly. "I sure am stupid, aren't I?"
Gibari shook his head in dismay. "Oh well. Kalas had quite a mishap yesterday. We should go easy on the boy."
…Flashback…
Kalas knocked on a random, yet tall, building's door. The rest of it had hard brick walls with a large window up front to let light in, on which hung a sign.
"JOBS AVAILABLE."
He had to get money. After all, how else would he get those pink hair clips he always wanted? They matched his gloves so well, he HAD to have them.
Kalas then had one of those moments, like on cartoons, where you continue knocking on the door after it opens and the owner gets all mad and chases you away with a butcher knife. That happened to my aunt once. XD It was funny. Like now with Kalas. HA. HA. HA. XX Listening to the Dr. Mario song from SSBM does things to you.
"RAWR WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The blue-nette looked up at the man towering over him with the widest eyes he could manage to make. "Can I have a job?"
"Sure. You'll need to count this $1,000,000 worth of pennies."
Kalas' face turned colors. Why? The wonders of television. But the fuchsia color was odd… "YEAH! Though I have no clue what the hell a penny is." A grin spread on his face, like the Cheshire cat.
…End Flashback…
The boy matched the grin with another. "Yesh! That was so fun! I especially loved the part where I counted wrong and the guy made me eat the pennies. They tasted coppery."
Gibari's eyes widened in wonder. "You have $1,000,000 worth of pennies in your fat stomach? GIMME GIMME GIMME!" He glomptackled Kalas in his wheelchair and pegan violently beating him up. O.o Pegan? XD That typo's too weird to change.
"OOOOH OUCH GIBARI! THAT'S MY FREAKIN' FIBULA!"
'No, stupid, that's your uvula.' The Authoress corrected him.
"Really? Oh. Well, GAWD, how was I supposed to know? They both rhyme with 'a'!"
'Really? And so does ahh, ah, baa, bah, blah, dah, droit, fa, ha, kwa, la, ma, na, pah, pas, qua, rah, schwa, shah, spa, à bas, aba, aha, Allah, blah-blah,-'
"SHUT UP!" Kalas screamed and covered his ears.
'Dummy. Well, I have a narration to finish.'
Just outside of the Jungle, skipped along little Great Mizuti. She was singing that-one-song-that-she-sang-outside-in-the-outer-dimension-that-I-don't-know-the-words-to-and-frankly-don't-care.
She looked up at the Authoress in complete and utter confusion. AHA! CONFUSION! MOOHAHA! "But if the Authoress not be knowing the words, how does the Great Mizuti?"
'The wonders of television, silly.'
"Ahh… That be making most sense."
Out of nowhere, she decided to wander through the jungle, WITH a landmark stone thinger, of course, and enter the EMPTY house that belonged to the three 'bears' (giggle) house.
Savyna blinked in mass confuzzlation. "Wait… How is it empty if we're in it?"
'Oh… Ah… What are the words again… Uh… … …GET OUT!'
Kalas pokes his head from under Gibari's VERY SWEATY armpits. "MMPAH! MMOOMPAH!"
Gibari gasped and got off the boy. "Oompa loompa? OHMIGAWD WHERE?"
The blue-nette exclaimed in victory, "I EXCLAIM IN VICTORY!" He giggled before leaving.
'Y'all should follow his example about now.'
Savyna's eyes widened. "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'm finally away from that four eyed freak!"
'…He doesn't wear glasses… REGARDLESS! FEEL MAH POWUH!' The Authoress snapped her fingers and the duo appeared in the labyrinth of Durh, with Kalas. How he got there so fast? The wonders of television.
"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!" Gibari cried out in agony. "Why didn't I just become a sheep herder like mamma said? NOOOOO! I had to be a true Skyfarer… AND NOW I'M STUCK WITH THAT KREAF!" Kreaf? XD That's a funny typo, too. (points at Geldoblame YOU KREAF!)
Kalas laid on the ground in pain. "Retarded Authoress. Forgot to poof along me wheelchair… How am I supposed to be a pirate without it? WAHHH! I THINK I'M GOING TO CRY NOW!" He began holding his breath, and passed out.
…With Mizuti…
Mizuti randomly went in to the three bears (giggle) house, wearing a 'I went all the way under the taintclouds and all I got was this stupid t-shirt' t-shirt. "Great Mizuti be loving this shirt, though! It be sexy!"
OO
Randomly generated WeAreMizuti Chibi #210987135 popped up and began waging war on Mizuti's chicken, which makes no sense. "YOU BE GIVING GREAT MIZUTI'S CHICKEN BACK NOW, PLEASE."
The chibi cackled and hugged Mizuti's leg. (First they're sour, then they're sweet.) It then cackled again, and pushed Mizuti towards the dinner table of the bear's (giggle) house. (Then they're sour again. XP)
"NUUU! YOU BE GOT HOT PORRIDGE ALL OVER GREAT MIZUTI!"
And out of nowhere, our story gets back on track.
"Great Mizuti be thinking this porridge be being too hot!" Mizuti cast the bowl aside and moved on the taste the next bowl. "This one be being ju-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ust right."
The Authoress blinked. 'Hey… That ain't right! You missed the one that's too cold!'
Mizuti put her hands on her hips and pouted behind the mask. "No! Mizuti be getting allergies to food being cold."
'Go back and eat it.'
"No."
'Yes.'
"NO."
'Yes.'
"NO!"
'…I have a resolution. OH STUNT DOUBLE?' The Authoress called out.
Kee walked on inside, wearing a Great Mizuti mask. "Aww… But I don't wanna… I'LL CRY!"
'Stop being such a Kalas. Do you want to me to take your free copy of BK II away?'
"Hey!" Great Mizuti complained with a scowl, "How come Great Mizuti not be getting free copy of BK II?" The Authoress had no witty retort. "GREAT MIZUTI BE WANTING HER COPY NOW!"
'Sorry, but I don't have the $70 to import it for you. I'm busy saving up for the REVOLUTION, NOT THE WII. I'm not going to go and start a Revolution/Wii dispute now. . '
Kee poked the Authoress. "Hey, did you know there's BK on the DS?"
'DON'T YOU POKE ME, FOOL! And yes, I knew that. I want a DS, but I can't get one. My mom says 'Nyeh! The screen's too small and your eyes will need eyeglasses if you play on a screen that small! SCREEN! SMALL! NO!'
He cowered under the dinner table like a frightened Nintendog. "Y-y'know what else? KEE rhymes with FEE!"
The Authoress thwacked him with a Kalas chibi and dropped a cheese curd on his head. The cheese curd began to float. "I-I-I! AM-M-M! THE-E-E! ALMIGHTY-Y-Y! CHEESECURDCOMETOSUCKOUTYOURPITIFULSOUL!" IT exploded in amass of cheesy curds and Kee screamed in fright.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T TOUCH ME SOUL!" He picked up the cold bowl of porridge near him and chucked it mercilessly at the cheese curd, but missed MISERABLY and hit an unsuspecting Xelha, of whom just appeared.
"OUCH!" Xelha screamed and held her rod high up in the air. "I'll get you for that, you little whippersnapper!"
The Authoress snickered. "Xelha's an old lady. Teehee!"
Lyude popped up out of nowhere and began to act really scary… "We're brother ladies! I like cereal! I like… chocolate milk! BUNNIES! Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again- Do-it-again-"
"SHUT UP!" Xelha screamed and held her rod threateningly, accidentally dropping it from all its HEAVINESS.
The Authoress snapped her fingers and scary Lyude disappeared. But now Xelha no longer had Lyude to take her RAGE out on… But there was Kee. He hid under the table like a scared… Kee. The Authoress took the liberty of sending her to the Labyrinth of Duhr. HA. HA. HA. XD
'So, where were we…-'
"BOOGA-BOOGA!" Kee screamed and waved his arms around menacingly.
'YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!' The Authoress screamed and fell backwards off her comfy compy chair. 'You idiot! Death match time!'
Kee was confuzzled. "Say wha-?"
In a Super Mario Sunshine-esque world not too far away…
The red hated plumber, whose name is being kept secret for… reasons, raced after the enemy that looked just like him, but wielded and unconventional paintbrush. Heehee. But how does Kee fit into this scene? As that one toad with the green head, of course . ' He was considerably shorter, and his head was bigger then it used to be. The boy's head proved to be too heavy, and he fell down backwards in slow-mo. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaa-WTF? Why am I here? Why is my head so big! And why am I wearing a diaper?"
'Bwahaha, FOOL!'
"Hey! You did this on purpose!"
'…Wow. Isn't that one obvious? 'Oh oops! I accidentally changed Kee into a green toad and accidentally sent him to Ricco Harbor! OOPS!' Right.'
"Turn me back!"
The Authoress got a hold of her camera just as the evil plumber d00d painted a smiley face on Kee's upside down diaper. 'Vwahahhaaaahaaa! Death match- on!'
Dun dun duuuuun! Today's match – Kee Vs. … … …Peach? Yes.
Princess Peach wielded her deadly parasol. Yes; the annoying one in SSBM that she uses to float in the air with. (stabbity) Kee used his thick skull to shield himself from it, and you know he has a thick skull. . '
"Nosferatu!" Kee screamed, and the level A magic shot out of a green spot on his head. Now it was HP DRAINING TIME!
'Kee! No Fire Emblem magic can be used here! BAD KEE. HP PENALTY FOR YOU.'
"Say wha-?" Kee asked, bewildered, when a wyvern lord suddenly fell from the blue sky and crush-i-fied him. Moohaha. Like a pancake. Moohaha.
Peach pulled an EBIL radish out of the ground. It had one of those faces that looks like this O She screamed one of her odd battle cries and flung the EBIL radish at Kee. It did one point damage and knocked him out. Ha. Ha. Ha.
With Mizuti
'What the… What's going on here!' The Authoress gaped at the bear's (giggle) house. Streamers were all over the place, the furniture was all covered in cake, windows were shattered, pencils dotted the ceiling, and there were punch stains all over. At least, the Authoress hopes they were punch stains. Yellow punch stains… Yes.
Mizuti grinned widely up at the Authoress, resembling an eager Kalas that had to go to the bathroom. "We be playing party games. Because this be a party. You be throwing the pencil and be trying to be getting it into the ceiling."
'That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard… Let me try.' The Authoress stole a number two pencil and whipped it at the ceiling.
"…AND IT BE GOOOOOOOD!" Mizuti announced, sounding oddly like a Brazilian soccer announcer. The WeAreMizuti chibis did the wave. When did they get here anyways? O.o
'It's good? That's nice. NOW GET BACK TO THE STORY.'
The child of the earth was startled by the Authoress' shrieks, falling off her chair, rolling out the window, and landing in a patch of poison ivy. Poison ivy? In the BK world? Yes.
The Authoress then proceeded to laugh her stupid ass off and point fingers. Not accusingly, of course, but out of… something else. I'm brain dead today. 'FOOL! I PITY DA FOOL WHO ROLLS OUT THE WINDOW INTO POISON IVY!'
"It be itchy… Wahhhhhhhh… TT"
Remember during my introduction that you all loved, I spoke of those shellfish thingys? Yeah. No comment. Yes.
A blood curdling scream was heard.
…In the Labyrinth of Duhr…
"BAUGANUM!" Gibari exclaimed and ran into a wall in sheer fright from it all.
"What' a Bauganum?" Kalas stupidly asked. Ha. Kalas. Stupid. Ha.
Savyna folded her arms and replied, "It's a giant two headed dog that enjoys eating blue haired, cape wearing, sword wielding coughANNOYINGcough antiheroes."
Gibari, Savyna, and Kalas all stared at Kalas. Ha. Kalas had a mirror. . ' Xelha was too usy eating her shoe to notice anything.
Kalas put his hands on his hips. "Well. I'll have to warn Marth and Ike the next time I see them. Well… they're not really annoying. Lucky for Roy, his hair is red, or he'd be in trouble, too."
"How stupid can you get…?" Gibari and Savyna muttered to themselves.
The teen's eyes began to widen in realization. "What? You mean me? NUUU! I'M TOO HOT TO BE ANNOYING! TT"
…5 minutes later…
Kalas was tied to a stake like BBQZOMGFTW while Savyna and Gibari were chanting for the human sacrifice's safe trip to that big ol' place up there. "Ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-ho-ho-ho, ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-ho-ho-ho, ha-hee-ha-hee-ha-ho-ho-ho…"
Kalas half-cried, half-sobbed, half-giggled "NUUU! TAKE SOMEONE ELSE! Teehee! . ' . ' . ' "
"Yeah? Like who?" Gibari asked, "Only you're stupid enough to appease the great Baganum's appetite."
"He only takes complete idiots," Savyna plainly explained.
Geldoblame suddenly appeared in all his idiocy. "HIM!" Kalas deduced, and untied himself to dash away frantically.
"If he could untie himself, why didn't he do it sooner…?" Savyna's eye began to twitch.
The antihero held a hand into the air triumphantly and blew his nose. "AGHA FOOLS! I WIN AGAIN! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!"
Kalas tripped as he ran off on a randomly placed treasure chest. I think the chests are shiny. And very green. I like green.
"YOU SAW NOTHING!"
Geldoblame screeched as the Bauganum ate him, like a bat getting eaten by a Bauganum. Moohaha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
"Our sacrifice is complete!" Savyna cheered.
"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!" Gibari chanted.
"The revival is done!"
"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"
"We will be rewarded with joyous candy!"
"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"
"Hershey's!"
"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"
"Reeses!"
"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"
"Even the sacred Dove chocolate!"
"Ha-hee-hoo-ha-ha!"
Xelha had finished eating her shoe and eagerly stared at the green treasure box Kalas tripped on. Upon opening it, a small Xelha chibi popped out. "OHMIGAWDS! You're so cute! I shall name you Squishy, and you will be mine, and you shall be my Squishy."
…At the bear's (giggle) house…
'..Mizuti… can not be here with us any longer. So… Melodia is here as a replacement for Kee, who couldn't be here either. Well, that was his own fault.'
Melodia sat on top of one of the beds that belonged to the… bears. (giggle) "It is too big." She moved on… "It is too small." She moved on again… "It is just right. DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! MOOHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHHHHAA!"
'O.O'
"Come… save us… from a thousand years of darkness… brilliant, white wings for you… for the world… DEATH AND-"
The Authoress dropped a smelly sock on her smelly head. Ha. Ha. Ha.
"It's too… IT SMELLS SO GOOD!" Melodia huggled the sock tightly. "I love you. I'll never leave you. I'll name you Squishy."
…With Kalas…
"It's… That's it… for me… No more life… No… more life is left… in my veins… GOODBYE WORLD! I'll miss you all… I'll miss you…"
Kalas screamed as he stumbled through the exit of the maze. "…What? I'm… I'm alive? I'M ALIVE! I KISS THE SWEET GROUND!" He knelt down to do so, and got sucked up by a puddle of quicksand. Ha. Ha. Ha.
BCM999: Is it done already? My chappie's done? Seriously? The plot's done? O.o Let's see… … Yeah… O.o And to think. I finished typing all this before a search at Quizilla finished. X.X Jeez. I should do an advanced search, shouldn't I?
Kalas: I have no idea what you just said.
BCM999: KALAS! GO AWAY! YOU'RE DEAD, REMEMBER?
Kalas: No. I'm right here.
BCM999: -.-
Xelha: What happened to me? I don't get this at all.
BCM999: That's when you go, "HAHAHA! I DON'T GET IT! BUT IT'S DAMN HILARIOUS ANYWAYS!"
Xelha: O.o'
BCM999: XD R&R! I'M HIGH!
