The last few weeks since Rosie's diner I'd only been hallucinating Hannah once or twice a week and I still couldn't figure out why I was seeing her nor seek out help from my family or friends about my problems as they would think I've started going crazy in the head and send me away to a psychiatric hospital for god knows how long…...
Justin and I had just finished another boring day at school and Justin insisted he'll drive us home since I've been really quiet lately and not been myself the last few weeks, he'd noticed some of the signs I've been acting strangely and talking to myself which in fact I was trying to talk to Hannah that I saw around the house but all he saw was me talking to myself
'I know were not blood related and your family has taken me in as one of your own but you're my brother Clay'
'Yeah' I nodded
'And I love you' he exclaimed, glancing over to me every now and then. 'You know that don't you'
'Of course I do' I assured, smiling weakly at him. 'And…. I love you too'
'But I'm worried about you brother, you've not been yourself the last few weeks'
'I'm fine Justin'
'Are you tho' he questioned. 'Or do I need to have a chat with mom and dad and maybe get you back on the meds again'
'You wouldn't Justin' I protested, shaking my head
'Not unless you talk and open up to me Clay about what's been going on with you lately'
'If I do you promise you won't rat me out to mom and dad what I told you'
'I promise Clay' he assured me. 'I'm your brother remember, we can tell each other anything'
I nodded my head and took a large gulp from my water bottle to steady my nerves down for his reaction; Justin waited patiently and looked over at me as I could feel his stare, sighing deeply I let it out
'The last few weeks I keep seeing Hannah everywhere I go for a couple of minutes before she disappears again and I don't know why'
'Has this ever happened before Clay?'
'Yeah it has' I admitted, bowing my head down. 'The last time she appeared we talked to each other but this time she doesn't say a word to me and I don't know what to do'
'I don't know how to help you there Clay but I'll be there for you' Justin replied sympathetically. 'Maybe Hannah has come back to you for a reason'
'Reason being, what exactly' I questioned
'Maybe she wants something from you'
'Highly unlikely'
I shook my head as even talking about it out loud to Justin briefly about my issues seemed weird, none of it made any sense to me and how to deal with it. Justin pulled up my car by the sidewalk in front of our house; we got out of the car and entered our home to find that we could hear the washing machine was going through a cycle. I entered the kitchen and found mom sat at the table with cup of coffee in hand while waiting for the cycle to finish
'Hi boys, how was school' she greeted warmly
'School was fine' I sighed deeply, grabbing a cup of coffee for myself from the pot
'Yeah school was good Mrs Jensen' Justin replied
'Justin what have me and Matt said' she exclaimed. 'You can call us mom and dad if you like, no need for formalities honey '
'I remember, mom'
I saw my mom smile weakly at Justin who reciprocated back before grabbing a bottle of Gatorade out of the fridge, my gaze landed on the full laundry basket on the worktop that needed to be washed next when I spotted something familiar. Walking over to the basket I found my beanie and grabbed a hold of it quickly
'Why in the hell do you have this' I exclaimed angrily
'Clay, sweetie what's wrong'
'Just answer my damn question' I roared at my mom. 'Why were you about to wash this'
'I was cleaning your room when I accidently knocked over a box and that fell out' she explained, confused to why I had suddenly blown a fuse at her. 'I haven't seen you wear it before and maybe, I thought it could do with a wash'
'You had no right going through my things' I cried out loudly. 'You had no right snooping around'
'I am your mother. You do not ever speak to me like that ever; it's my job to snoop around you just in case…'
'What! That I might be doing drugs' I replied, cutting her off while shaking my head as I paced around the kitchen. 'Just stay out of my room ok. Just leave my shit alone'
'I don't understand why you're so upset Clay it's just a beanie' she replied aimlessly
'Just a beanie' I snapped furiously
My anger boiled deep inside my body as I couldn't contain my rage anymore, my own mother nearly washed clean a beanie that meant so much to me that she didn't know of or it's true meaning to me, I could have lost a part of my Hannah and that hurt deep in my heart. I charged forward and squared up to my own mother, I so badly wanted to hurt her but I couldn't move a muscle as I saw my own anger and rage spilling out in my mother's eyes
'Come on Clay, let's just get some air' Justin spoke calmly into my ear
He wrapped his arms around my waist and dragged me away from my mom and out of the kitchen, he lead me upstairs to our shared bedroom and closed the door, I sat down on my bed as Justin now paced around our bedroom and slid his fingers through his hair at the stress I was causing him right now
'What the hell Clay' he exclaimed angrily. 'What did you snap at mom?'
'I didn't mean too ok'
'Then what's so special about that damn beanie then'
'It's Hannah's. It's the only thing I have left of her' I admitted
'Oh' Justin whispered, realisation sinking into why I snapped
I cried quietly to myself and held Hannah's beanie close to my face to shield my tears falling in front of Justin, bringing the beanie closer to the bridge of my nose I nuzzled into it and inhaled deeply, Hannah's familiar scent came rushing back to me and that night I got her beanie from her
'It stills smells like her' I whispered
'How do you even have that?'
Justin stopped pacing around the room and sat down next to me on my bed, my thumb moved around the soft material before I took another deep sniff of the beanie, soaking in Hannah's scent again…
After the long summer away at my grandparents on the other side of the country I was glad to be back home and spend whatever remains of the break left with my friends, I couldn't wait to see Hannah and spent some alone time together again
The first few days back in Evergreen I was back working at the Crestmont again but I wasn't met by my usual partner in crime today which was quite odd, she told me she would be working at the Crestmont all summer long even after I got back, the new guy seemed nice enough but he could never compare to Hannah….
When I arrived home after my latest shift at the Crestmont I untied my bowtie and undone the buttons on my red vest I jumped onto my bed, pulling out my phone from my pocket and opened up the Spotify app and started listening to the latest songs by Lord Huron. During one of his newest songs my phone pinged and I checked my messages
'Hey Helmet, you fancy meeting up tonight x'
I smiled widely at the text and replied back to Hannah that I would be over to her house in ten minutes; I changed out of my work cloths and into something more comfortable as I slid on my hoodie. I almost made it out of the front door when my mother called out for me from front the living room
'And where are you going Clay' she asked
'To a friend's house' I informed her hopefully, walking into the living room. 'That's ok isn't it?'
'Of course it is but which friend is this'
'It's someone from work' I sighed, hoping this interrogation wouldn't take long. 'Can I go now?'
'Aren't you forgetting something?'
'A kiss goodbye' I asked
'Yes' she replied, getting up from the couch and going to the coat rack. 'But your helmet please'
I nodded my head and took a hold of my helmet from her grasp, putting the helmet on my head I felt my mother's fingers click the clasp into place and tighten up the straps
'You worry too much, has anyone ever told you that'
'It's a mother's job to worry about her children, you'll understand in time'
'Whatever, love you' I said, kissing her cheek softly
'Love you too Clay and be safe and call me if you're gonna be late out'
I chuckled quietly to myself and quickly left the house before my mother started checking my bike next to see if that's safe as well. I climbed onto my bike and rode off into the silent night to Hannah's house…
Parking my bike on the inside of her fence I went up the walkway to Hannah's front door, just before I could knock on the door it flew up and I jumped back a step in shock, a teary eyed Hannah stood on the other side, I wonder what had made her cry as I stepped closer to her
'Hey Hannah' I greeted
'Clay Jensen' she scolded, folding her arms
'Umm Hannah Baker' I repeated again
'You're in so much trouble now'
'What have I done, exactly?' I gulped
'You'd said you would write to me all summer but you didn't follow through' she snapped, slapping me on the arm hard. 'I've been waiting all summer by my mailbox for your hand written letters to come'
'I didn't think you would expect me to follow through on that' I replied shamefully, bowing my head to not meet her teary eye stare at me 'I thought I didn't matter that much to you Hannah'
'You matter a lot to me Helmet' she admitted
Hannah stepped forward and threw her arms around my neck pulling me closer to her, wrapping me in her warm and deep embrace as I buried my face in the crock of her neck, I inhaled her scent and felt at home with her, I never want to let her or this feeling go again
'I've missed you Clay'
'I missed you too Hannah'
'Come and tell me all about your summer away'
Hannah pulled away from our embrace and grabbed a hold of my hand, interlacing our fingers together and smiling warmly at the touch of our hands, pulling me behind her into her home and to her bedroom…..
Thankfully Hannah's parents weren't home and won't be for a while being at the store which meant we had the whole place to ourselves, I got comfortable on the couch in her room when Hannah returned with a bag of Doritos, she sat down next to me and popped open the bag and offered a chip
'You know, we don't have to stay in if you don't want too' I informed her, taking another chip from the bag. 'I don't mind going out'
'I think you've been out long enough all summer Helmet besides you look like you could do with a rest'
'I haven't had any time to myself since I've got back but if you do want to do something tonight I really don't mind.'
'I'm ok Helmet' she smiled, cupping my cheek and softly stroking her thumb against my skin. I've missed her touch since I've been away. 'Maybe we should slow things down'
'Slow things down' I questioned, confused on how we could if anything hasn't started yet between us
'What I mean is…we haven't had a quiet night in since we started hanging out together'
'I could do with that so badly right now' I smiled, feeling sleep cloud its way through by body as I lay on the couch
'Err….don't think you've gotten away with it Clay. I'm still mad at you for not writing me any letters' she stated, looking dead at me in the eye
'Then let me make it up to you Hannah'
'How'
'Well I've been away nearly for two whole months and we have a week or so left before we started junior year so let me make that week the best week of your life'
'What would we get up to?' she smirked
'You'll find out if you let me make it up to you first' I informed her. 'I might even write an apology letter'
Hannah giggled and grabbed a chip out of the bag she was holding, she snuggled down onto my chest as I laid further back into the couch, Hannah brought a Dorito close to my mouth as I took a bite out of the chip while she finished the remains of the chip. We fed each other Doritos chips for the rest of the night while I told her more about my summer away and what I got up too….
The Bakers still hadn't returned back yet from the store so we decided to ransack the cupboards in the kitchen. We pigged out on more chips with salsa, chocolate with nuts in them and candy bars, while on a sugar high we raided the freezer for the mint chocolate ice cream it stored and brought the tub back to Hannah's room
As we devoured the now half eaten ice cream tube I couldn't help but notice the complexion of Hannah tonight, even tho I've been away for two months something seem different about her like a new shine of light or glow to her skin
'What is it Helmet' she asked
'Are you using a new conditioner or face cream or something?'
'What' she exclaimed
'Something about you seem different since I last saw you' I informed her. 'You got like a new glow to you if you know what I mean'
'No, I don't know what you mean'
'You're like…a light in a dark room, you seem to brighten up people lives when you're in the room' I explained, finding the words hard to come by what I meant or trying to say. Word diarrhoea just spilling out. 'Well…. You definitely brighten up my world'
'I can assure you, I'm still the same old Hannah you know' she smiled. 'Nothing different, no light'
'That's not true Hannah'
Hannah vaguely nodded her head in agreement as she got up from her couch and went to the bed, I watched on as she grabbed my hoodie and turned to face me, her small smile turned into a smirk when she slipped her arms through the sleeves
'What are you doing' I laughed nervously, putting the ice cream to one side
'You should have been careful where you placed your hoodie' she proclaimed, sliding the hoodie onto her body and snuggling into it. 'It's mine now'
'That's my favourite hoodie Hannah' I protested, getting up from the couch
'Well it's my favourite hoodie now' she proclaimed
'Isn't this what girlfriends do to their boyfriends, steal their cloths' I exclaimed. 'Last time I check we aint that'
'If we aint said labels the best thing I can say is I'm your best friend'
'Still doesn't give you the right to steal my hoodie tho. I want it back' I whined
'But I've missed you tho Helmet'
'You missed me'
'While you were away I missed not having a part of you around like a hoodie to keep reminding myself of you' she explained. 'Now that I got your hoodie I never want to let go of it'
'Keep it then Hannah' I relented
I smiled softly at Hannah as she blushed bright red, she wrapped her arms around her herself and snuggled into the soft material, inhaling my scent and smiled back. Hannah leaped forward and enveloped me into a tight hug, the warmth of her embrace radiated over my body as I held her close in my arms
'I've missed you too you know, all summer long'
'Really Helmet' Hannah exclaimed, leaning back to look into my eyes
'Would I lie to you?' I replied
Hannah shook her head no but she knew that I was a terrible liar sometimes when I was around her, every day on that farm with my grandparents I did miss her a lot and everything about her, if only we had the summer together, things could have been so different by now. She turned her shake from a no to a yes immediately and I gasped in fake outrage
'That was entirely mean'
'Wasn't it'
'You're the worst Hannah Baker' I laughed lightly causing Hannah to giggle also as she buried the side of her face into my chest. 'No but the truth is…I really did miss you so much. I was so lonely on my own I just wish I had something of yours with me when I was away so I thought of you more'
'Then I propose a trade' she suggested
'Trade of what'
'I keep your hoodie and you can have this Helmet' Hannah proclaimed
Hannah pulled away from my chest and I missed the warmth immediately, she walked over to the dresser across the room and lifted up a knitted material, Hannah stretched open the opening of the beanie and placed it over the top of my head, adjusting it right and showing some of my helmet hair
'I can't accept this Hannah; it's your signature beanie' I replied, taking it off and holding it firmly in my hands
'If you missed me that much then you should have this Helmet' Hannah assured, placing her hands on top of mine. 'As a keep sake and a reminder of me forever'
'Thanks'
I placed the beanie back on top of my head as Hannah adjusted the look of it, she placed a soft kiss on my cheek and I felt like I blushed to ungodly shade of red as she snuggled against my chest again. I wrapped my arms around her tightly again, feeling her warmth rushing back to me that I never want to let go again if I can help it…
After a few hours later my eyelids fluttered open and I felt a huge weight across my chest, I tried moving but it felt like I was being weighed down. Turning my head to the right I saw Hannah was fast asleep and laid across my chest, the last thing I remember was we were watching a movie together and I must of fell asleep. I eased out from Hannah's embrace and sat on the edge of her bed, feeling my phone vibrate in my pocket; it was a text message from mom
'It's late Clay, when you get home you're in deep trouble Mr'
Seeing the time in the top right corner of my phone it was past 2:30 am and I was contemplating sending a text back to my mom even this late in morning when I heard Hannah stirring behind me, turning around I saw her eyelids fluttered open and a sleepy smile creeped on her face, Hannah propped herself up on her elbow
'You leaving Clay' she asked sleepily
'Looks like I have too'
I got up from the bed and pulled the sheets over Hannah and tucked her in, her eyes were clouded with sleep and so were mine, I made it to her door and gripped the handle when I heard her soft voice speak up
'Stay with me' she whispered
'What'
'Stay the night Clay' she suggested, flicking up a corner of the sheets. 'It already late, you might as well stay here'
I had a choice; stay the night with the girl I loved or go home and face the consequence from my folks for being out so long without expiations. It was an east decision as I nodded my head and walked back over to the bed, slipping of my shoes I climbed in besides Hannah again as she threw herself on me like I was a personal pillow when I got comfortable
'Prepare yourself for the best week of your life Hannah' I sighed gently
'I'm gonna hold you to it Helmet' she whispered softly
Hannah buried her face into my chest and gently placed a kiss on top of my heart, my heart turning into warm jello from the light contact, reaching over I softly placed a kiss on her forehead and wrapped an arm around her, keeping her close as I didn't want this warm fuzzy feeling to end any time soon. Maybe, just maybe we could find a way to be together somehow….
The beanie felt soft in my hands while I brought it back up to my nose and took another sniff of it, it still smelt like Hannah as fresh tears started to roll down my cheeks. Trying to hold back the waterworks I placed the beanie back inside the memory box as I paced back and forth in my room
'What are you doing now Clay?' Justin asked
My thoughts were scrambled into millions of little pieces as I didn't know what to do or where to go next but I needed to make things right first. Walking over to the bedroom door I left our shared room
'I need to see mom' I called behind me
My stomach was in knots while ascending down the staircase to the foyer, I could hear my mom was still in the kitchen well after an hour I yelled at her, I wish I could take it all back as I stood by the door leading towards the kitchen
'Mom' I spoke softly, shocking myself how quiet it came out
My mother's gaze drifted up from the laptop that sat on the kitchen table to me but she wasn't really seeing me like parents do, just acknowledging my presence in the room
'If you've come to have another go at me Clay Jensen you're in for it when your father gets…..'
'I'm sorry' I interjected, stopping her from continuing on
My mom stopped working on her laptop and stood up from her chair, she stepped a few closer to me but I back away like some wounded animal, I could feel the tears forming in my eyes ready to fall when I couldn't hold it in much longer
'Okay' she spoke calmly
'I'm sorry that I lost my shit with you' I started
'Language' she interrupted
'Sorry' I sighed deeply. 'I didn't mean to lose my cool with you mom about the beanie, I shouldn't have ever talk to you like that, ever. You're my mom for god sake and I love you'
'I love you too sweetie' she replied warmly. 'But why did you get so upset about it honey? What's so special about that beanie?'
'It belongs to Hannah, she gave to me and it's the only thing I have left of her' I sobbed, feeling the salty tears stain my cheeks
'Are you ok Clay?'
'Not really mom'
My mom stepped forward and held me in a tight embrace, locking her arms around me so I couldn't escape while I clung to her loosely. I could see the tears in my mother's eyes as she kept them back, I knew she was still worried about me and even more so now than ever, I didn't want to be this burden on her
'Everything will get better soon Clay, I promise. It just has too' she whispered
I nodded my head and buried it against my mom's chest, beyond the shoulder of her I saw Hannah standing alone in our kitchen, leaning back against the worktop with tears in her eyes also as she smiled weakly back at me. I gasped sharply and my breathing became jagged seeing her while I wrapped my arms tighter around my mother waist, not wanting to be let go of her embrace. I shut my eyes and thought of a happy time of my life with Hannah but there was two questions bugging me that would never be answered as I opened my eyes and saw her still stood there. Why won't she leave me alone, why won't she just talk to me like before...
