For the next few days, Harry avoided snakes as much as he could. He definitely wouldn't go near one if they were ever to go to the zoo again. It was okay to watch cartoon snakes on TV, but not real ones, because if he watched one in, say, a nature special, he could understand what it was saying (mainly that it didn't like being filmed).
But the subject was driven from Harry's mind when, eating dinner one night with Barbara, Sirius and Remus at Crescent Cottage, Sirius asked Harry if he would like to be in the wedding.
"In…in the wedding?" said Harry, surprised. "You mean your wedding to Barbara?"
"Yes," said Sirius. "You could be a groomsman."
"I don't know," Harry told him uncertainly. "What if I mess it up?"
"There's not really anything to mess up," Remus assured him. "You just kind of stand there."
"But you do get to walk down the aisle with one of the bridesmaids," said Barbara, her hazel eyes gleaming.
"What are you having your bridesmaids wear?" Sirius asked. "Are you going to be one of those 'Bridezillas' who absolutely has to have everything her way?"
"No," said Barbara. "The bridesmaids are allowed to pick out their own dresses—they just have to run them by me first. No pantsuits, though. This is a wedding, not an office party. Leis are okay, though." She paused in thought. "Y'know, I might require everyone to wear leis."
"Hmm…what about a bachelor party?" said Sirius, looking at Barbara a little tentatively. "Have you got a problem with that?"
"Not if you don't have a problem with my bachelorette party," Barbara replied. "Just have fun, don't get any diseases and don't get killed."
"Damn," said Sirius admiringly, "my fiancée is cool."
"Cue eye roll from Moony," said Remus dryly. "Besides, what about Harry? He's too young for a bachelor party. I mean, I suppose we could leave him with Molly and Arthur…"
"Harry's old enough to stay home by himself," said Sirius unconcernedly. "He could bring Ron and Hermione over for a movie night or something."
Last time Harry had Hermione over for a movie night, it had been without Sirius's permission, so Harry was surprised Sirius agreed to it this time. But then, nothing had "happened" last time, and it wasn't likely to, so maybe Sirius felt Harry could be trusted.
"Very well," said Remus, shrugging. "He's your godson."
"And there's plenty of time for that at Harry's own bachelor party," Barbara added.
Harry was used to adults talking about him like he wasn't there, or like he was there but couldn't understand them. But he was sure the adults weren't doing it to be nasty—in fact, they probably weren't really even aware they were doing it. Maybe this was something that happened to almost all kids sometimes.
As if reading Harry's thoughts, Sirius turned to his godson and smiled.
"Well?" he said kindly. "Does that sound okay?"
"It sounds fine," Harry told him, returning the smile and, meaning every word, "I'd rather be with Ron and Hermione than at a bachelor party, anyway."
"Who else are your groomsmen going to be?" asked Barbara.
"Well, there's Reg as best man, and Remus, and Harry…" Sirius counted on his fingers. "I don't know. I just never thought I'd get married."
"I definitely wanted Tonks to be a bridesmaid, if she's okay with it," said Barbara. "I really liked her. Her mother, Andromeda, could be in the wedding, too, plus her husband, Ted—then they can be paired up. And of course, Hermione can be a bridesmaid."
"So Tonks will be paired up with Reg, Andromeda will be with Ted, and Hermione will be with Harry," said Sirius. "But who will be with Remus?"
"If I may say," said Remus, sounding as if he was choosing his words very carefully, "perhaps it would be better if I were the one to walk down the aisle with Tonks?"
"Why?" said Sirius sharply.
"Because not only would it look a bit strange if he walked down the aisle with his cousin," said Remus, "but also because I agree with Sirius that something is missing from Regulus's life. Perhaps by searching for a maid of honor, we can also play matchmaker for Regulus."
"Hey, woah," said Barbara. "I don't want some girl I hardly know being my maid of honor just because she likes Regulus."
"She doesn't have to be," said Sirius. "Tonks could do all the regular maid-of-honor stuff, or maybe Andromeda—she's really good at being neat and organizing things. This mystery girl just has to walk with Regulus and hold the rings and bouquet."
Barbara was gaining enthusiasm.
"Hey, yeah!" she said excitedly. "It would be great to be a matchmaker! We could design posters to attract witches everywhere!"
"Self-made billionaire British-born American reformed pureblood Quidditch-loving wizard seeks leading lady," said Sirius dramatically. "I can see it now."
…
Together, Remus, Sirius, Harry and Barbara put together a great advertisement. Regulus paid for the ads, not because he knew what they were really advertising for, but because he thought they were just advertising for a maid of honor. He took out a two-page full-color ad in The Daily Prophet, as well as The Quibbler (Luna Lovegood's father's magazine), Witch Weekly, Playwitch magazine and The New York Ghost. The interviews were to be held in the Three Broomsticks, a café in Hogsmeade.
Less than twenty-four hours later, the replies came streaming in. Harry and the others questioned each of the witches personally, along with Tonks, who wanted to be a judge too.
The first witch to come in was wearing a feather boa, a revealing cocktail dress, and stiletto heels. Her hair was dyed-blonde and permed; her talon-like fingernails were painted blood red. She seemed to be at least fifty years old. When she spoke, her voice was croaky.
"I found your advertisement in Playwitch," she said huskily.
"I'll bet you did," Sirius muttered.
"Sit down in the chair, please," said Remus courteously, indicating the interviewee chair. "Name?"
"Candy," she drawled.
Quite sure this was not her real name, Harry decided to ask her the first question.
"Why do you think you'd be right for Regulus?"
"Because then I can stop being a stripper. Body's not as tight these days, y'know," she said, taking a cigarette out of her purse and lighting it with her wand. She took a deep drag on it and sighed contentedly. "And isn't the bloke thirty-one?"
"Well, yes, he is," said Tonks, looking put off. "But aren't you a bit—"
"Old? Yeah," she breathed. "I like that cougar thing."
She puffed on her cigarette again, wafting an unpleasant smell of smoke Harry's way; he coughed.
"Will you put that thing out already?" Sirius demanded. "My fiancée is pregnant, you know!"
"And you're at risk for heart disease, Siri," said Barbara, patting him on the arm.
"That's right," said Sirius, glaring at Candy, who shrugged and put the cigarette out on her arm.
"But…how do you think you match up with him, personality-wise?" asked Tonks, consulting their list of questions. "For example, how—my God, who added this one?"
"I did," said Barbara, smirking. "How sexually dominant are you, on a scale from 1-10?"
"12," Candy replied promptly, a wicked grin spreading across her face. She had several gold teeth and her real ones were almost as yellow.
"Okay, let's try another one," said Remus. "What role do you believe love and affection play in your life?"
"Honey," Candy said, looking at Remus out of blood-shot eyes, "love and affection passed me by a while ago. For twenty Sickles I'll gladly—"
"All right, that's enough," Sirius said sharply. "Candy, we'll contact you if you get the part. Next!"
"Are you going to have women like that at your bachelor party, Sirius?" Harry asked curiously.
"No," Remus said firmly.
"Exactly, Moony," Sirius agreed. "I can afford much better entertainment than that."
Remus glared, but didn't say anything. The next person didn't walk in right away, but they heard her talking in the hallway.
"Sit down and eat, darlings," she was saying. "Mummy will be back in a minute—hey! Weren't there four of you? Tyler, come back here and enjoy your snack—Ashley! Your sister's hair is NOT for pulling—"
There came the sound of a scuffle, and finally a young woman, perhaps a bit older than Regulus, stomped into the room, looking more than a little hassled. She had a sleeping, red-faced baby strapped onto her front.
"Sorry," she said. "Children will be children."
Harry was sure everyone was wondering the same thing—where the kids' father was, and whether the woman was just looking for a new father for them to complete her dream family.
"All right then," Remus began as she sat in the interview chair. "Name?"
"Sally," she told them. "My husband left me about a year ago, and I'm ready to be remarried. Does this Regulus like kids? I have five."
"I'm not sure where Reg draws the line," Sirius said uncertainly. "Five might be too much to handle."
"Why?" asked Sally.
"Well, he works twelve to fourteen hours a day, five to six days a week," Sirius explained. "He's an entrepreneur. He didn't get all that money by sitting on his ass all day."
"His fortune could pay for much higher-quality day care than I can afford now," Sally began sadly, "but I don't want more day care. I want a father for my kids."
"What about a husband?" Barbara asked tentatively.
"Meh," she said.
The judges looked at each other skeptically—but then the baby started to cry. And stink.
"Is he…is he okay?" Barbara asked uncertainly.
"It's a she," said Sally indignantly. "And she's just got a dirty diaper. Good-bye."
"We'll tell you if you got the part," said Sirius dryly after her.
"Jeez," said Barbara, once Sally and the baby had left. "Don't get angry with me for thinking it's a boy. It's your fault you didn't dress your daughter in gender-specific clothing."
The next woman who walked in was wearing a pantsuit, just like Barbara didn't want the bridesmaids to wear at her wedding. She was carrying a briefcase, and her hair was in a pixie cut.
"What's your name?" Remus asked her as she sat down—although she wasn't really sitting. She was on the edge, like the chair could burst into flames at any moment.
"Laurel," she said in a strict voice. "And let's make this quick, I have a call at two."
Harry looked at his watch. It was 1:38.
"You have plenty of time," he said.
"That's what it seems like to you, boy," said Laurel, "but as you grow you'll learn the value of time. My day is mapped out down to the minute in my day planner. I do hope this Regulus doesn't like to be spontaneous, because I require at least a week's notice before all outings."
"Why did you think you would be right for him?" Sirius asked.
"Well, I'm a career woman," Laurel told him. "And I can tell he's a career man. Together, we could make the ultimate power couple."
"But what about children?" Barbara asked.
"Children?" The expression on Laurel's face reminded Harry of the way the Dursleys used to look at him. "What about children?"
"Regulus wants to have at least one or two kids," Barbara explained. "But I think he's got to man the restaurant full-time…and it's hard to squeeze in a career when you have kids, y'know? Personally, I would choose family over career any day."
Harry knew any Hufflepuff would say that. Laurel was probably an ambitious Slytherin, like Regulus. There was a possibility for them (she was the most normal so far, and Regulus said he wanted somebody who could help him with the business) but what if they disagreed on whether or not to have children? And what if Laurel was too ambitious in her own career to help Regulus with his? Regulus believed in family, like Barbara, but he just didn't have time. Harry could tell Laurel didn't really like kids either way.
"Yes, well," said Laurel, and there was just a smidgen of condescension in her voice, "what was your career?"
Her eyes flickered to the baby bump.
"I didn't really have a career," said Barbara.
"She was a secretary," Harry told Laurel. "And a really good one too. That's how she met Sirius."
"This is 1992, boy," said Laurel sharply. "It's called an administrative assistant. And it's not professional to flirt with your boss's clients, in my opinion."
Barbara looked slightly hurt, but fired back, "Well, at least I don't wear stupid pantsuits that make me look like a lesbian."
The two of them were definitely at odds—Barbara in tights and a maternity shirt that read "Future MILF", over a foot of dark-brown waves tumbling down her back and around her shoulders, wedge shoes on her feet, toenails and fingernails painted bright yellow; Laurel in her crisp gray pantsuit with her blonde hair in a pixie cut, leather flats and fingernails painted dark gray.
"This is 1992," Laurel repeated. "It's time we said goodbye to the skirtsuit."
"But I like the skirtsuit!" Barbara said in a slightly whiny voice. "Plus I get to pick a matching pair of high heels to wear every day! I'm only wearing wedge shoes now because high heels are a bit, erm, optimistic if you're pregnant—"
"Women like you are a monkey wrench in the wheel of Society," Laurel snapped. When Barbara started to cry, Laurel rolled her eyes as if to say she'd made her point, but that was when Sirius lost his temper.
"TAKE THAT BACK!" Sirius hollered, standing right up and whipping his wand out of his pocket.
"Sirius, stop—" Remus was pulling Sirius back, but he was fighting.
"I'm only saying the truth," said Laurel calmly, pulling her own wand out of her briefcase. "Don't try to challenge a Slytherin. Because we may not be Ravenclaws, but we're still smart."
"Oh yeah?" said Harry, who was also furious. His wand was pointing right at Laurel (he was in Hogsmeade, surrounded by plenty of witches and wizards, so the Trace wouldn't go into effect if he were to curse her).
"You think you can duel me, little boy?" said Laurel. "I didn't come here to duel. I came here to get a match."
"Why do you want a match anyway," Tonks demanded (she was on her feet too), "if you're going to pick on women like Barbara, who chose family over their careers? It's none of your business."
"Like I said, I figured someone who was serious about his career would also be serious about mine," Laurel told her impatiently.
"Well, Reg cares a lot about his career, it's true, but to him, family still comes first!" Sirius shouted, banging his fist on the table and making the papers fly everywhere. "And he wouldn't stand for such a bitch anyway. Disqualified!"
Before they could call in the next person, everyone had to console Barbara. Sirius pocketed his wand again, telling her he would always fight for her honor, Remus admitting that Laurel had been extremely rude, Harry rattling off all the curses he wished he could have worked on Laurel. Finally, Tonks managed to cheer Barbara up by changing her appearance to look like Laurel exactly (except with a pig snout), then bumping into a wall and mumbling about how stupid she was.
"Tonks," said Barbara, laughing shakily. "Will you be my maid of honor?"
"W-What…?" Tonks looked shocked as she turned back into herself.
"I think you'd be really great at it," Barbara insisted. "If you have trouble with any of the organizing stuff, Sirius says you can ask your mum to help."
"Great idea!" said Tonks, giving Barbara a hug. "We don't need wet blankets like Laurel anyway. I'll throw you the best bachelorette party ever!"
Everyone was laughing when they heard the voice of the next candidate in the hallway. It sounded like a woman Candy's age, and she sounded like she was talking to a child again. Everyone groaned in exasperation, but then they heard the "child" speak.
"I told you, Mum, I don't want to do it!" she insisted. The voice sounded to Harry like he had heard it somewhere, but he couldn't place it.
"Listen, darling, you're of age now, it's time you settled down," the mother insisted. "Chances like this don't come around often, you know. This is an opportunity to marry up considerably."
"But I don't even know him!"
"It doesn't matter," the mother said cajolingly. "I only knew your father about a week before we got married, and we're still together, aren't we? Even in an arranged marriage, if the marriage is arranged well, love will come. You are a pureblood witch. It is time you took your place among your people."
"Oh my God, Mum!" the daughter wailed. "Are you kidding me? Nobody cares about that dumb pureblood stuff anymore! You wanted me to be Sorted into Slytherin all along, didn't you? Didn't you?"
"Honey, this is no place to argue—"
"Don't call me honey!" the daughter snapped. "Just go home! I'll do it—but only to prove that love will NEVER come!"
The someone stomped furiously into view—one brunette, green-eyed, well-endowed someone.
"Holly?" said Sirius and Harry in disbelief.
"Holly," she confirmed, sinking down into the seat. "I guess you heard that heated exchange between me and my mother, then."
"Well, yes," Sirius told her. "But listen, Holly, my brother's not that bad. I know your family is pressuring you—I know just how you feel—but give him a chance, at least."
"He's, like, thirteen years older than I am!" Holly protested.
"What's wrong with dating older men?" Tonks asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Yeah, weren't you tired of immature boys staring at—at your—well—" Harry made a vague gesture in the general direction of Holly's upper half.
"Breasts?" said Barbara. Sirius let out a snort of laughter, which he hastily transformed into a hacking cough. Holly scowled and crossed her arms, but she didn't say anything.
"I told her she just needed a better screening process," said Harry.
"And I told him if I raised my standards one bit, no boy in all the world would pass," Holly snapped. She seemed to be in a very sour mood—but, Harry thought, who could blame her?
"That's because you don't deserve a boy, Holly," said Sirius, resting his chin on his clasped fingers, sort of the way Dumbledore did when he was listening to something. "You deserve a man. And he'd have to be a pretty good man indeed, to pass those high standards of yours."
"Oh come on," she insisted. "I don't mind paying for dinner, okay—but do I have to do it every time? And do they all really think I'm a talking pair of boobs? What if I don't want to kiss on the first date? What if I don't want to get married to somebody I don't even know?!"
"If only you could know him, Holly," said Sirius. "But you see, he kind of doesn't know we're doing this."
Harry could have sworn he saw Holly's mouth twitch before she returned it to her set scowl.
"Well, then, at least that's one good thing about him," she said reluctantly. "He doesn't take out ads in papers to try and sell himself to witches everywhere. If he doesn't know you're doing this, how did you get him to not see the ads, anyway?"
"We wrote a few separate ads for separate publications, and with each ad, I'd place a jinx on it," Sirius explained. "When they were all written and mailed out, I placed a Protean Charm on each original so that they would all do the same thing—every time Regulus came near the ad, he would think of something else he needed to do. Sort of like a Muggle-repelling jinx. I call it the Bachelor-Repelling Jinx."
"Clever," said Holly, allowing herself a little laugh. "Still—usually it's my job to convince you that I'm right for the bachelor. But this time, you have to convince me."
"All right…" Sirius stroked his unshaven chin in thought. "How would you describe your dream man? Raise your standards all the way to the moon."
"Well, I'd…I'd like to date someone who isn't obnoxious," Holly began, as if this was too much to ask.
"Done," said Sirius. "Reg isn't obnoxious. He's quite the gentleman, in fact."
"Okay, then…" Holly sighed. "He's Reformed Pureblood, that's what his ad in Witch Weekly said."
"You read Witch Weekly?" said Tonks. "You know, you don't really seem the type."
"I'm not the type," said Holly, rolling her eyes. "Every time I page through that magazine I feel my brain cells slowly dying. My mother is the one who saw the ad, and she decided it was a good time to arrange a marriage into another important pureblood family. Guess she doesn't want me to wind up as a spinster."
"All right…" Remus frowned. "But why did you ask if Regulus was Reformed Pureblood?"
"I was hoping it meant he was against the Dark Forces," Holly said eagerly. "It would be great to be with a guy like that."
"Holly, Regulus risked his life to eradicate the Dark Forces, in fact," Harry told her truthfully. "He was prepared to die for his family and beliefs."
"Well, um…" Holly seemed to be casting around for other reasons not to date Regulus. "Isn't he a Slytherin? I don't know if I would date a Slytherin. And since when do Slytherins date Gryffindors? Since when does anybody inter-House date?"
"There's nothing wrong with inter-House dating," Remus told her casually. "Personally, I preferred non-Gryffindor girls."
"Just not Slytherin girls," Sirius added.
"See? There you go," said Holly. "There's no way a Slytherin will date a Gryffindor. The rivalry is too deep."
"You two have both graduated, Holly," Tonks pointed out. "It doesn't matter as much. Besides, Regulus is my cousin and he's really nice. I can totally endorse him."
"And," said Harry, "he's really good at Quidditch."
Holly's eyebrows raised slightly. Harry knew how much power Quidditch had.
"What position did he play?" she asked him reluctantly.
"Seeker," Harry replied. "Like me. And guess what? He said he'd come to my games at school, and he'd root for Gryffindor, just because I was playing. Now who's he more loyal to, his House or his friends?"
"Oh…wow," said Holly, looking down at the ground and rubbing her arm subconsciously. "I-I never thought I'd live to hear a Slytherin say that." She paused. "Well, technically I didn't hear him, you lot did, but still—"
"You could hear him say it," said Sirius, smiling gently at her.
Holly seemed to be choosing her next words carefully. Finally, she gave them a smile—but whether it was sarcastic or real, nobody could really tell.
"How different," she said mysteriously, "is a Seeker from a Chaser?"
With that, she turned on her heel and strutted right out of the room. And that was the last they saw of Holly that day, for soon enough they heard their next contestant.
"Next," Sirius called, then muttered to Remus, "This was your idea, genius."
…
They went through quite a bit of women after that. Some of them seemed normal, although Sirius warned Harry that sometimes the normal ones turn out to be the dodgiest ones in the end. There was a crier, and several women with tragic pasts. They got into some more fights; emotions ran high, once even enough that Phoebe's magic inside Barbara somehow managed to turn one of the contestants' hair into a groundhog. In retaliation, the witch had magicked turned Sirius's hair pink.
"That's it! I've had enough for one day," Sirius informed them all grouchily, restoring his hair to black with a tap of his wand as the contestant swept out of the room. "You lot are just lucky I knew the counterjinx…"
"How did you know the counterjinx?" Barbara asked curiously as they exited the room, Harry all too glad to leave; the interview process had rather worn him out too.
"Why, I invented it, of course," said Sirius, grinning.
"Really?" Harry gasped.
"Well, with a little help from your dad," Sirius said warmly. "You see, one of our favorite things to do was horse around with magic and try to create our own spells. Somehow, your dad accidentally turned my hair blue. And although I look good in anything…I did want to change my hair back to its normal color. So we just experimented until we got it right. It's fun."
"Do you know any others?" Harry asked eagerly, hoping to practice them with Hermione.
"There's Avamph," Sirius said thoughtfully. "It's similar to Wingardium Leviosa, except when you levitate the item, it kind of does a little twirl in midair—watch—"
Sirius pointed his wand at the now-empty interviewee chair.
"Avamph!" he shouted, leading the chair up with his wand, and when he pointed his wand at the ceiling, the chair spun around, then Sirius lowered it gently back to the floor.
"Wow," said Barbara wistfully. "I know I've made my sentiments clear about preferring to remain in the Muggle world. But there are still a lot of things I'm missing out on, aren't there?"
"Not nearly as much as I've been missing out on," said Sirius, putting his arm around her waist.
TO BE CONTINUED!
