It was nearly a week before she could work up the nerve to discuss it with him. She tried to tell herself she wanted to recover from her injuries first, so she didn't appear weak, but she knew she was just delaying to delay. They had begun moving again, even though she still was not fully recovered. Even Alistair had wanted to wait longer, but she made it quite clear she did not need coddled. She was regretting that now, as it hurt to stand, let alone march, but she'd insisted, and now she had to live with it. At least she had allowed Aedan to talk her into carrying her pack for her. She was feeling more and more guilty about all the things he did for her, but she didn't say anything. Even if she had been able to work up the courage, she just wasn't capable of carrying the thing herself yet.
When they stopped to refill their waterskins, she approached him, and was determined to have her discussion. When she reached him, he looked her over carefully and spoke before she could work up the nerve.
"How are you holding up?"
"As well as can be expected. That is to say, I am willing to reconsider my previous condition regarding being coddled."
He smiled at that.
"Don't worry about it. But, just so you know, the pack is heavy," he teased, "but seriously, I know full well that you don't want to admit that you aren't invincible, and I'll help you cover it until you're done recovering."
Damn. And I can't even justify getting mad at him, convenient as it might be. He isn't trying to treat me like I'm made of porcelain. He knows I'm able to take care of myself, but he asks anyway. It's just as well, right now I really do need the help.
Before she could say anything else, they finished filling their skins and it was time to move on.
That night, she pitched her tent even further from the main group than usual. She wanted everyone to think she was back to normal, and except for Wynne, who knew full well she wasn't recovered but was more than happy to let her suffer, and Aedan, who she didn't have to ask not to say anything, they did, and left her alone. Aedan had sensed that she wanted to pitch her own tent, even though it took her nearly an hour and when she was finished she couldn't even sit up the pain was so severe. When she didn't show up for dinner (nobody ever expected her to help with the cooking), everyone figured she was back to her usual antisocial self. In truth, she simply didn't have the strength to walk over to the main campsite, and was too stubborn to ask for help. She was getting ready to go to an irritable sleep when Aedan knocked gently on the doorpost.
"What is it?" she asked grumpily, and immediately regretted her tone. He had done nothing to deserve her malice, but she didn't feel like playing nice. Everything simply hurt too much for that.
"Can I come in?"
"Yes. Yes, come on in." She almost apologized for her abrupt manner a moment earlier, but she didn't. He entered quietly, and closed the flap behind him before bringing her a bowl of something hot that smelled delicious.
"I brought you some stew. I didn't contradict the others when they said you must be back to your usual antisocial self, but I thought that you still might be hungry."
"I…thank you. You did not have to do this."
"I know." He set the bowl down carefully and, ignoring her feeble protests, began to check her wounds. They had stopped having to bandage them, but she still was not even close to fully healed. "Well, you may feel like Mabari crap, but at least you didn't reopen any of your wounds with your misguided stoicism. Eat up, Leliana outdid herself tonight." He sat back down beside her and passed her the bowl.
Morrigan's dark thoughts were temporarily dispelled by his tenderness. She accepted the bowl and spoon, and carefully tasted it. For all she knew, if it had come from Leliana, it might be poisoned. After the first bite, however, she ceased caring about that, or even manners, and began to inhale the hot liquid. That girl really can cook, she thought. At least if it is poisoned I won't die hungry. She was hungrier than she realized, and forgot everything else for a few quick minutes as she devoured the rich stew. She got down to the last couple of spoonfuls quickly, and was slightly surprised that Aedan was still there, though she supposed she shouldn't have been, as he hadn't moved since he'd handed her the bowl. He simply sat there, watching her distractedly. Morrigan took her time with the last bite, trying to decide what she'd do when she finished.
Finally, unable to stall any longer, she finished with the bowl and handed it back to Aedan, who took it and, with one last caring glance, got up to go. Before she realized what she was doing, she stopped him.
"Wait."
He stopped and turned back towards her.
"Yes?"
She lost her nerve again.
"Nothing, nevermind."
He cocked his head slightly, and looked back and forth between her eyes like he did when he was trying to figure out what she was thinking. After a moment, he nodded his head and turned to go again.
"No, not nevermind. Aedan, I…could you…stay, for a little while?" She asked awkwardly. For goodness' sake, you're 24 years old and one of the most powerful mages in all of Ferelden! Why are you getting so worked up over talking to a man you've been sleeping with for months?
He smiled that half smile he reserved for her alone, and sat back down.
"Sure."
I don't even know why I asked him to stay. I need to talk to him, but that isn't why I asked him to stay. I…I feel like I just want his company. That is insane! It serves no reason, no purpose! I am right, this is a weakness that needs purged.
He put his arm around her, and she felt like she'd never get this over and done with. Summoning all her courage, she removed his arm as gently as she could so as not to upset him. There, right there! Why do you care what he thinks? Why are you modifying your behavior to accommodate him?
"Aedan, I want to ask you something."
"Ask away." His heart quickened involuntarily. He had waited for so long in hope that she would finally open up to him, but he was so scared that she would end up clamming up forever instead. Instinctively (and correctly), he understood that what they said next would change everything forever.
Morrigan held her breath before she continued.
"I want to ask your opinion," She had to force the rest of the words: "Of love."
Aedan was terrified now. He had waited for this moment for months, thought about it, dreamed about it. Now that it was here, he didn't know what to do.
"What do you mean?"
Over time, Aedan had gradually picked up on some of Morrigan's mannerisms. It had taken him some time to catch on, but once he had, it had become easier to understand her. For instance, when she was nervous, she rubbed the first and second finger of each hand against the other. She was doing so now.
"Well, you and I have been… imtimate, for one. We have been…" she paused, trying to choose the right word, "close… for some time now. You are impressive, in many ways, and you even protected me from Flemeth without hope of reward."
Aedan remained silent. He could tell she was still trying to get to what she really meant to say, and so he simply waited for her to finish.
"I feel anxious when I look upon you."
Ah, there it is. Oh, Maker, how do I try to explain that this is normal to her, when she has never had a relationship, even a friendship, with another human being before? How do I explain that I feel this way too, but that it is natural, even desirable?
She continued: "I dislike this sense of dependency! 'Tis a weakness I abhor. If this is 'love', I wish to ascertain that you do not feel the same."
She finished the last with such vehemence that Aedan didn't really know what to say. On the one hand, he did feel the same, and he wanted to tell her that yes, he did love her. But if he did, would it be too much, too soon? Would he just scare her away, perhaps for good? He knew Morrigan well. Better, even, than she wanted him to. Instead of giving her an answer, which she may or may not have wanted in the first place, he did what she loved to do: he deflected, and with such a question that he hoped she couldn't help but be disarmed. He was very careful that it didn't sound like he was teasing her. He could tell that this was very hard for her to talk about, and that if she thought for even a moment that he was playing with her feelings, it would shatter the moment permanently. She had been serious with him, and, even though he was unashamedly avoiding her question, so was he.
"Are you saying that you love me?"
Damn him! There is no fooling him, he sees right through me. She was getting frustrated now. This wasn't going as she had planned at all.
"No, that's… that's not what I'm saying. You need to pay attention!"
I am, he thought, more closely than she can possibly know. And just as sure as I just deflected her question, she just tried to deflect mine. She loves me!
She seemed to recover from her momentary lapse of self control.
"What I am saying is that I have been foolish. I have allowed myself to become…" she closed her eyes, as if what she were saying were painful, and sighed before continuing, "too close. This is a weakness."
She said it with such certainty, he thought. She really has never felt this before. How do I tell her? That it isn't? That even if it is, it's worth it? He answered his own question: I can't. I can only show her, and hope she doesn't push me away.
"Love is not a weakness." He said it as honestly and with as much certainty as he could, as if he were dying, and had only one chance to convince someone that with his parting words he spoke the truth.
"You are not listening to me. Do not be such a fool!" She yelled as if she were angry, but she wasn't. She was only frustrated, because she knew that he was never going to agree to end it for his own good, and because she knew, deep down, that she didn't want him to. Still, she had come this far, and she had to see this through, even if it wouldn't make a difference. She had to lie to herself, at least, to believe that she had done all she could to do the right thing, even if it wasn't what she wanted.
"Aedan, this is for your own good. I would not… I am not like other women. I am not worth your distraction." She paused again, unable to speak the rest of the words, for they were a lie: "And you are not worth mine." There, I have said it. Let it be ended, this strange thing which has come over us. May I long for him no more!
But she would not get her wish. Just as she had forced herself to try to do what she thought was right, Aedan would not give up now. He knew that if he did, it would haunt him to the end of his days.
"You are worth my distraction."
She sighed in acceptance.
"I… you are impossible. Have it your way. But I will tell you truly, now, you will regret it, in the end."
Morrigan was filled with conflicting emotions. The first was dread, which she understood well. She thought that it was dread of the dangerous condition she thought they were continuing, but it was really the natural dread and fear that comes with moving forward in any relationship. The uncertainty, the suspense. Yes, dread she knew well, but she had never known it like this. The second emotion was joy at the same. Doubts remained, but for now, at least, she could shove them into the corner, able to tell herself that it was not her fault; she had done all she could. As long as she believed that, then whatever happened in the end was not her doing, and she could enjoy whatever exactly it was she was about to embark on.
He put his arm back around her, and she fought him, but only for show and only for an instant. Then she stopped pretending, and dove into his arms, burying her face in his chest. He smelled of woodsmoke and sweat. A manly smell. His smell. She breathed it in for a few moments, and put her arms around him, too.
He tucked the errant strand of hair that always, always, seemed to cover her eye over her ear, and then used that as an excuse to stroke her hair gently. Despite the fact that they had spent the last several months in the woods, her hair never smelled of anything but girl. Morrigan smell, he thought. He breathed it in gently, content.
Aedan had not missed her warning, that she might be more than she seemed, or less, but Aedan was far too gone to back out now. He loved her, and she loved him. They'd all but said it.
He had to rectify that last part.
"And yes, Morrigan, I do love you," he whispered quietly into her ear. He said it without fear, even though his heart thundered in terror. It needn't have. She only smiled into his tunic where her face was buried, and then he was smiling too.
"You stupid, silly, man," she whispered, quietly, but loud enough for him to hear. And then, quietly enough that she thought he wouldn't hear her, even though he did, "and I love you too."
They held each other then, until Morrigan fell asleep. Aedan gently lowered her into a lying down position, and decided that it was ok for him to stay. In the past, they had never spent the night together, but he sensed that things were different now. He fell asleep with his arm around her, with just enough space between his face and her head that he could breathe but still smell the scent of her hair.
Only once during the night did Morrigan awaken, and she was startled, but then pleased, when she discovered his arm still around her. He had been right. Things had changed. Where before she might have felt annoyed or crowded, she now only smiled and went back to sleep.
From the fade, the spirits looked on curiously as a pair of human spirits slowly entwined.
