It's cold. It's always so cold here. I'm freezing. I don't want to be out here anymore. It hurts so much! I wanna be warm. Why is it like this? And it's so dark. Why is it always so dark here? I can't see anything at all. I don't want to be in the dark any longer. What am I doing here? Why am I here? Why did I get left here, in the middle of nowhere? Where do I go now? I don't know where I'm supposed to go now. My legs are hurting and my socks are wet. My feet are too cold. They hurt. I don't want to run anymore. I'm too tired. I want to go to sleep. There's too much snow here. It's hard to move around in all of this snow. It's making my coat all wet. Why am I all alone? Who left me here? I don't understand. I don't understand any of this! I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Everything hurts. I'm scared. I'm so scared! It's gonna get me! It's gonna eat me!
"Oh my God, Yuuki..."
"What?"
"What do you mean what? Obviously your hair! What in the world happened to your hair?! Why is it black?! And then there was that entire mess yesterday! You have so much explaining to do! I've literally been texting you all night and you've been ignoring me! Why?! I want details!"
Yori and I were having our lunch outside at our usual spot, under this really big, old tree. I had to miss the first half of the school day thanks to my father sending me on stupid errands as, what he considered, punishment. He's still mad at me and apparently doesn't care if it effects my education.
"First of all, Yori, I have not been ignoring you. The Headmaster has confiscated my cell phone until 'further notice', his words, not mine. Also, it's called hair dye. I got it dyed yesterday because it was boring me."
"Just like that?" Yori asked, in minor disbelief, referring to my hair. She had liked my brown hair. She would often tell me she was jealous of it. I never understood why she wouldn't dye hers, if she liked mine so much she could change her color so easily. She would never tell me, though. I think it had something to do with her family, and the hold they had over her.
"Just like that." I said around a mouth full of egg sandwich. "Hasn't anyone ever told you that change is a good thing, Yori-chan? You need to be a bit more open minded."
She considered that for a moment before changing the subject. "So, that's it with the whole Arisa thing, then? He just took your phone away, case closed? No groundings? No suspensions? Her parents didn't even have a thing to say about the matter? Nothing at all? Come on, Yuuki, I'm dying over here!"
That was a tricky one to answer. While I wasn't really being punished, I wasn't sure if I should tell Yori about how I sneaked into Arisa's dorm room last night and threatened to make her life a living Hell if she made a big deal about this whole little tryst; since my father was so worried that her parents were going to call him and flip shit, making the Academy look bad or whatever. I didn't really understand it entirely myself, but he was worked up about it and that meant I had to fix it. And I did, so it seemed. The phone hasn't rung, so far. Apparently, my intimidation tactic worked. Arisa's kept her mouth shut.
I shrugged. "I guess. He'll probably cave-in and give it back if I, like, pout at him or something. And Arisa... well she probably realized she's a terrible person to me all this time and that she deserved what she got and has kept her mouth shut to her mommy and daddy."
Yori giggled, covering her mouth with her hand. "I can't believe you attacked her, Yuuki. That was so unlike you!"
"Hey, she hit me first, right? You were right there. You saw."
"Yeah but, it was really surprising. I just didn't expect it from you. Though, I'm not saying she deserved it-I'm not saying she didn't deserve it either."
"Well you should have heard the Headmaster. He basically blamed the entire thing on me. Wish I had you there to defend my honor." I joked, nudging her with my elbow.
"He really does love you." Yori commented, she had a far-off look in her eyes. I felt her mood drop.
"Well yeah. He's my dad, right? Why wouldn't he?" I swallowed the rest of my sandwich, wiping my hands off on the soft grass next to me. I had forgotten a napkin. I leaned forward onto my stomach, propping myself up on my elbows, knees bent up, feet kicking lazily at the empty air, and began the struggle of opening my applesauce. They were sealed so tightly as if the makers didn't want anyone eating them. Luckily, I remembered to bring a spoon. "I know he isn't gonna be mad at me forever, or anything like that."
"I envy your relationship, is all." Yori began twisting my freshly dyed hair into a three-stranded plate. "I think I might really like this color on you, Yuuki. It makes you look really mysterious, maybe a tad bit edgy. Though, your brown hair really was beautiful."
I knew Yori and her father didn't get along very well. She would go into a different room whenever he called her on the phone, as if she were embarrassed to be overheard. It was something that didn't sit well with her and a subject that she didn't like to talk about. I left it alone, not wanting to upset her farther.
"I got kissed yesterday." I wasn't going to tell her. But to be honest, it really was exciting. I felt lighter and whenever I thought about that mysterious stranger's lips pressed against mine my heart began to race and I felt butterflies fluttering around in my stomach.
"What?! How? When?!" Yori yanked my hair back, forcefully turning my head to face her. Her eyes were practically bulging out of her skull, awaiting me to divulge all the gory details.
"Ouch!" I complained loudly.
"Spill!" she demanded, tugging insistently on my poor, sensitive scalp. "You'd better tell me everything!"
"Okay, relax! I'll tell you! Jeez! Don't yank my hair." I turned to face her properly, folding my legs underneath me, and rubbed at my wounded scalp. "I went out to get my hair done yesterday, as you already know. And right afterwards, I was just hanging around town, just wasting time, and there was this boy..." I thought for a second not sure exactly how to go on. The kiss had just happened, with a complete stranger. The more I thought about it, the stranger it seemed, even to me, and I was there. Yori wasn't going to like this at all. "Actually, I'm not really sure how it happened. Not exactly. We just kissed."
"So wait... you're telling me that it wasn't with Kaname?" I shouldn't think it strange that Yori would assume I'd kiss Kaname. She knows about my obsessive crush on him. How it's always been with him. But she doesn't know that he's a vampire. That that's the main reason I've been hesitating telling him my feelings. That's not my secret to tell. Though it burns me to keep it to myself. It would be so much easier if I could tell Yori about Kaname and the Night Class students, how they're all vampires. Then she would understand why Kaname and I could never be together. Then maybe she would quit trying to push us closer together, and quit throwing salt in my open wounds, even though she has no idea she's doing that. It would be so much easier.
"No..." I sighed despondently, wishing desperately that I was saying yes. "That's never going to happen between us." she needed to know that I was giving up on him. Now. Before she did anything dumb that would end in me being really embarrassed. "Yori, I've decided to move past Kaname. We'd never work out anyway. I'm just wasting my time with him."
She was quiet for a moment, letting my words sink in. "Yuuki, are you serious? You can't be serious. You've been in love with him since you were like, what, eight years old?!" she sounded how I felt on the inside, hurt and confused, and it didn't make any sense. It's not like she was throwing away her feelings for the one person she's ever loved-ever will love, ever wanted to love, locking up her true feelings, her heart. I was probably being overly dramatic, but I always thought that Kaname was the only one for me, the only one I've ever truly wanted. Ignoring my feeling was truly painful, and Yori trying to force them back out of me-trying to force out an explanation-was making me angry and hurting me even more. I wanted to scream at her-to tell her off-yell that it was none of her damn business and that she just needed to stay out of it and mind her own.
"Because."
"Because? Just because? You aren't even going to give me an actual reason?" she pressed.
"Do I need to?" she was truly pressing my nerves. I didn't want to talk about this. "I mean, Yori, come on. Just let it go. It doesn't matter." I knew that anymore of this and I really would end up snapping at her. And as much as she was pissing me off, Yori was my best friend, and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. She was just worried about me, after all.
"But it does matter. Yuuki?" Yori's eyes were confused and concerned, and I hated it. I didn't want to be pitied. I just wanted her to understand and accept it. "Can't we just talk about it? Help me understand this better."
I gathered my things together quickly and stood, having enough with this conversation. "Yori, listen, I just had a change of heart. It happens. People move on from each other. Almost like an epiphany, of sorts. Honestly. Don't try and scold me when you won't even go and tell Zero how you feel about him." she blushed at the mention of Zero and her sever, secretive crush on him. Though, I had no idea what she saw in him. "Now I'm supposed to go and take this-" I held up a journal containing the Night Class's weekly attendance records in it for her to see. "-to the Headmaster's office. I'll see you later."
Walking back into the Academy I tried to think about myself from Yori's point of view, how she was seeing me. I guess she was just trying to protect my heart, as I assumed any best friend would do for their best friend. But I could do that on my own, at least I felt as if I could. That's what I was trying to do by leaving my feelings for Kaname behind. I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I was plenty old enough to make my own decisions. I was trying really, really hard to leave Kaname behind. She didn't need to push me back into the opposite direction. In my opinion, a good friend would accept and support my decisions.
Yori doesn't even like the Night Class.
I began to flip through the attendance journal, looking at all the names of all the vampires in the academy. There weren't that many Night Class students here, not if you compared them to the Day Class. It was my understanding that the Headmaster's idea of a pacifistic coexistence between humans and vampires still didn't sit well in vampire society. Not very many vampires followed Kaname here. Their names were all listed, checked off, and the sheets signed by me, followed suit by Kaname. His signature was so perfect, it flowed so beautifully across the paper. He almost always signed after me, being their leader. As the class president, dorm head, and whatever else he was to them; he never missed class.
I was walking down the long corridor to the Headmaster's office-still flipping through the attendance log journal, lost in my thoughts-when I stepped on my own shoelace, tripping myself. My heart leapt up into my throat and I felt myself falling towards the earth. I heard the journal hit the floor first, anticipating the pain I knew was inevitable next, squeezing my eyes shut tightly, not wanting to see the impact. But it never came.
I felt a strong arm around my wrap around my waist and soft fabric against my cheek. I inhaled the faint-but somehow sill rich-familiar scent of roses, and something else, something darker and deeper that I was never able to place in all the years that I've known him-but it belonged only to him.
I couldn't help myself, I inhaled deeply.
"Yuuki." the way he said my name, like he was caressing it, almost worshiping it, blessing it, like it was his favorite word in the entire world. I knew it was mine, coming from his mouth, hearing his voice, the way his lips moved when they formed the shape of my name. And I forgot everything, with that simple word-just my name-that I was avoiding him, trying to forget my affection for him. I was a little girl again. The little girl that stared out the window all day, every day, just waiting to catch a glimpse of her true love. The selfish little girl that assumed he came to the door only for her and her alone, for me. Always waiting.
"Are you alright?" His voice cut into my thoughts, scattering every coherent thing I could have possibly uttered in response. Heat pooled into my cheeks, with just the sound of his voice, and I was positive they were bright red. "Yuuki?" he smiled down at me, awaiting my response, caressing my flushed cheek softly with his thumb, tilting my chin up.
"Yes...thanks..." I answered lamely. I looked up into his dark eyes, blushing an even deeper shade of crimson, before pulling my body away from his, realizing how close we were. I could feel his eyes on me, penetrating me, deeply, seeing into my very soul, and suddenly my thoughts were elsewhere and we were both pressed up against the window, breathing hard, me with my legs wrapped around his hips-squeezing him tightly, skirt ridding up high on my waist, shirt completely unbuttoned, panties slipping lower and lower down my left leg-catching around my boot, grinding against his every touch, nails raking his back where his shirt fell low off his shoulders-head thrown back, eyes closed tight, biting back my moans, teeth digging into my lower lip. And him, his face buried deep between my neck and shoulder, holding me up behind my thighs, pants undone, belt making all kinds of racket as he thrust between my legs-
"You've changed your hair." he reached out to touch it, making me flinch out of my dirty thoughts-embarrassed, convinced that he could hear what I was thinking. He stopped before making contact with my hair, dropping his hand, probably assuming I didn't want him too. Instead he knelt before me, choosing instead to retie my shoelace, probably thinking I'd kill myself falling down the stairs, I probably would. However, my thoughts traveled back down a dirtier path yet again; knee hooked over his shoulder, hands gripping low on my hips, his face buried in-between my thighs, me desperately trying to find something to hold onto for support-causing heat to pool instantly between my thighs-making me squirm slightly, severely uncomfortable now, completely convinced he could read my mind. My knees trembled slightly causing him to eye me momentarily before resuming his work on my laces.
I swallowed hard. Of course he knows...
I cleared my throat before I spoke. "Yeah...I just thought, why not...try...something new." I mumbled out, self-consciously touching my hair, looking everywhere but at him. I probably sounded so ridicules to him, skin completely flushed, mumbling like a total idiot.
He looked up at me from his kneeled position for a moment-paying attention to me when I spoke-before picking up the forgotten journal and rising. He began to flip through it's pages. "Is there anything bothering you, Yuuki? You seem rather uncomfortable?" he glanced up from the filled pages, eyeing me. "I wonder, is it because of me?" he asked innocently.
I shook my head, not entirely a lie. He made me uncomfortable, but I didn't unnecessarily dislike it.
"You know, Yuuki, you can tell me, right, no matter what it is?" he reassured gently.
I couldn't help but think that maybe the Headmaster actually followed through with his threat and tattled on me. I felt anger begin to rise in me, all the good, fuzzy, and rather naughty feelings gone, slipping away and taking my blush along with them. "Why are you asking me that?" I blurted out, almost sharply. I wanted to cover my hand with my mouth as soon as I spit those words out. I don't know why but I felt oddly defensive and irritated.
Kaname just looked up from the journal at me, arching his perfect eyebrow in question at my sudden outburst.
"You really aren't supposed to be looking at that, Senpai. That's Academy property. Also, Night Class students aren't allowed to be out of the Moon Dorm during the day. You know that." Even though I was sure he had business with the Headmaster-whatever that meant, I brought it up anyway. I reached for the journal but he didn't let go of it. Instead he turned it over slightly, turning my hand along with it, exposing my bruised and cut knuckles to him.
"What happened here?" he asked, observing the back of my hand. I was positive he knew exactly what had happened, even if his question sounded completely innocent. Actually, I was positive that the whole school knew what had happened between Arisa and myself. It didn't matter what I had said to Arisa that night after the fight-how I told her to keep her bitch mouth shut about it to her parents. There were other students there that witnessed the fight, caught just about the whole thing on their cell phone's camera. I'm sure the video had been passed around the school dozens of times by now. It was probably up on the internet. There was no way Kaname hadn't at least heard about it, let alone seen it for himself.
"I fell." I lied, not really knowing what else to say. That was such a lame excuse. I fell and only cut up the back of my hand. But what else was I supposed to say to him? It's from when I punched this idiot girl in the face because she's been harassing me about you for years and I'd had enough of it. I doubted that would go over very well.
"You never used to lie to me, Yuuki. I wonder what's changed."
I coughed out a humorless laugh. Was he trying to hurt my feelings now, asking what's changed? I wasn't a little girl anymore. How could I possibly continue to hang on him? Especially after everything that's happened. "Why don't you just keep it." I whispered, pushing the journal towards his chest before turning my back to him and walking away. I wasn't about to have that conversation with him.
I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't.
