Authors Note: This chapter will be told from April/Megan's point of view. This will most likely happen every few chapters as there is still insight to be had into this chickadee. Thanks for the reading, the reviewing and the like. It means a lot. Also in other news, this will be another musical was supposed to have two songs, but with the length of it, I brought it down to one, to continue in the next chapter. So strap in and let's go for a ride.
There was a time long ago where I could easily say that I was brave, courageous even. I was different but I was proud of all of those differences and I had more then embraced them. I liked the way my life was then. It was so much simpler. I could breathe without worry, I could feel without regret. I could really live. Something I hadn't been doing for a very long time despite my every attempt at it.
As Blaine was singing, and even before that I was being flooded with memories. None of them good. All of them ones that I wished I had never experienced. I didn't want to be that girl. I had never wanted to be her and now here I sat, and I was her. Even with my attempts at making the world believe otherwise I was her.
It hurt to feel anything. It had gotten to the point now where I just didn't feel anything at all. Unless of course you count the fear. That was the only thing I felt. People would laugh and smile around me and it would be as if I was a stone. With all of the abuse I had suffered I had lost my ability to feel and to empathize with the human race around me. I was empty.
During that song though I began to feel things I had believed long dead. It was like the words of the song were speaking to me. Music has always been able to have that affect on me, at least in the past. It hasn't been able to resonate with me quite that way in a very long time but I long for the time where it did. Just as it did tonight as the man I barely knew sang.
I found myself by the end of it overcome with emotions. All of which I had buried a long time ago but were now coming back with a vengeance. Demanding that they be heard and felt. Being away from him the way I was now, and all of the anger and darkness, it really was starting to heal me. I couldn't explain to you why but I knew that it was. Every second spent not living in absolute fear was one second where I began to get back to being the person I was.
Or at least that's what I believed would happen if only the memories would stop haunting me. This time though it seemed to be one particular one. The one where he had caught me singing instead of doing something for him. It was a sin to focus on my dreams at this point and he found any chance he could to make sure I knew that.
"Life goes on, while you're miles away and I need you. Time goes on, as night steals the day, there's nothing I can do. If you only knew, how much I miss you."
It felt really good to be singing again. I had taken a hiatus a few short months before because I was determined to be the perfect girlfriend and help him achieve his goals first. I always knew I could come back to it anytime I wanted but doing it now, even for a short time as I finished other work, it felt amazing. I was free again. I was me.
I had thought that I was alone, him having gone out earlier that morning, and from then on I had lost myself in the music. He hadn't even heard me sing but he made sure every chance he got to tell me just how bad I must be at it if I hadn't made anything of it lately.
I loved the solitary moments like this one. I could really open myself back up and not be just someones girlfriend. No I could really be Megan Winchester, aspiring singer/songwriter. I could live my dream even if it was only sparingly.
"When my mind plays these tricks on me, It shows me things I don't want to see, That's why I tell myself, I keep telling myself, Just take another piece of me"
"What the fuck are you doing?"
I heard the slam of the door just seconds before his voice. I knew I had been caught and I knew that nothing good would come of it. He wasn't supposed to see me this way. No, it was going to cost me big time.
"Did you not hear me, what the fuck are you doing?"
He hit me then. One hard slap to the back of my head. I knew he was standing behind me, so any chance of standing was out of the question. I was completely at his mercy now as any movement I did make would be seen as an attempt to break free of him, something I was not allowed to want or do.
"I was just singing while I scheduled some appointments baby. That's all."
"And what have I told you about that?"
"That you'd rather I didn't do it."
"Right, so at least you're somewhat smart. Now what happens when you don't listen?"
I didn't want to answer this. Honestly what happened was pretty degrading and not something I ever wanted to admit openly. It was bad enough I had to live through it, but to actually acknowledge what he made me do, I couldn't do it.
When I didn't answer quickly enough he hit me again, on the back of the head, but this time added even more in a sharp push of the chair which then sent me to the floor, the computer chair falling on top of me as my body impacted with the hardwood floor, adding even more insult to injury.
"Look, you're right where you should be."
A piece of shit on the floor again. I knew what he was going to say even before he said it but if he was willing to push me down, maybe he wasn't going to focus on what my punishment for singing while working was.
I put my hand to my lips, tasting blood on my tongue but wanting to be sure. This wasn't the first time that an altercation with him had caused blood loss, and I'm sure it wouldn't be the last but the fact that I was so comfortable with the taste of my own blood wasn't healthy. As I pulled my hand away, indeed seeing blood coating my fingertips, he spoke again and with each word I knew he hadn't forgotten at all.
"Now get on your knees and do what good girls do for the men that love them."
The song hadn't reminded me of that horrible moment from my past, but the emotion that the song conjured had brought it all flooding back. Just hearing music, let alone singing along with it, or feeling what it wanted you to feel was wrong. It went against everything that I had been forced to believe. Yet here I sat, my hands still now wiping away tears, shaken from the memory but powerless to stop its effect.
"April, are you alright?"
Making sure to wipe the last residual tears from my eyes, I looked up and again saw Sam. As much as I want to say I was glad to see that it was him standing there, I wasn't. He seemed to be catching me at my worst in every situation imaginable and this one was like the icing on the insane cake. Part of me wished he had never even come back over.
"Of course. Why?"
"No you aren't. You've been crying and I don't mean to pry or come off like some crazy creeper but I just can't stand it when a girl cries."
What was it about this guy? He could see through even my more thought out bullshit. It was like he had a radar for it. I wanted to tell him he was wrong and that I was actually quite fine, even make up some excuse for my tears that was related to the way his friend had sang it but it was all crumbling down around me. I didn't have it in me to lie anymore.
"The song, it just brought up some really bad memories that's all. Ones I really wish I could have kept buried. It was brilliant though just probably not the best thing for me to hear right now."
It wasn't a lie but it wasn't the entire truth either. I barely knew Sam Evans, there was no way I was going to lay my entire life story or the pain associated with it on him right now. It wasn't that I didn't think he could handle it but it was more about not wanting to come off like a crazy person. Though I'm pretty sure I already looked that way.
"I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure if Blaine knew that he'd be sorry too. His songs when he writes them are like that though. They bring up everything you've been trying to keep buried. He's even done it to me a few times."
I had no idea what to say to that. Was it really possible that like me, Sam also had things he wanted to run and hide from? Was he hiding right now?
"Really?"
"Yeah. We've known each other since high school and no matter what he sings he always seems to find a way to get to me with one of his songs. Apparently tonight was your night for that feeling. I'm sorry that it brought up painful memories though."
"Me too."
He put my coffee down on the table then and reminded me of why he had even come over in the first place. Of course. I'd asked him earlier for a refill and he was now doing it for me as he'd found the time after the onslaught of customers that had come in for the mic night. Surprisingly though, as much as I hated the thought of him coming over at such a painful time for me, I was now thankful that he was there and that I had said what I did because just in speaking it out loud, I was beginning to feel lighter somehow. A feeling I hadn't felt in a long time.
"So he plays the piano and can sing. Is there anything he can't do?"
Sam laughed then and I found it infectious. So much so that I smiled in return. It had been a long time since I'd smiled, let alone laughed with someone, or even been around someone who was laughing that I almost forgot what an amazing feeling it really was. It also helped when the guy who was doing the laughing had his green eyes light up the bigger his smile got. A fact I had been trying not to notice but finding myself unable to do.
"No, don't think so. He can do it all."
"Do you think he'd play guitar for me? If I wanted to get up there and sing I mean."
"I'm sure he could but since that old acoustic up there happens to be mine, how about I play for you? If you wanted to sing that is."
He was offering to help me and I had no idea what to do with it. This could be April Rose's chance to shine. No one knew me here. I could be anything and anyone I wanted without fear and I just had no idea how to deal with it. I wanted to get up and sing, more so then I ever had before, with all of the pent up emotion now flooding through my veins and with his offer to help me do it, I knew it was now or never.
But could I really look past the fear and accept his offer?
"Well I'll help you if you wanna do it. Just signal for me or come grab me. I better get back, don't want to leave Jared alone for too long."
Now was my chance. No one new had stepped forward to sing and if I wanted to break out of my shell and really be someone different yet somewhat still like the real me, I had to do it now. I saw him turn to go and before he could walk away, I reached out to him.
"I think I'd like to sing now, if you really want to help me."
Sam had made his way up to the stage first, not even blinking as I'd told him the song that I wanted to sing and why. It had always been a favourite of mine, one that I would sing in and out of the shower and with the way I was feeling, I really couldn't think of a better song.
As I put the stool on the stage, adjusting the mic stand so it would be down to my level I looked out to the crowd of people that were now waiting much like I had been earlier, on pins and needles for the next artist to sing. Blaine had been right in his earlier statement. All were accepted here and I was hoping that once I was done, that would still ring true.
Sam began playing and I just let the music take a hold of me. I closed my eyes and instead of just singing the song and the lyrics, I felt them.
We both lie silently still
In the dead of the night
Although we both lie close together
We feel miles apart inside
Was it something I said or something I did
Did the words not come out right
Though I tried not to hurt you
Though I tried
But I guess that's why they say
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
Yeah it does
I opened my eyes then, my voice cracking from the feeling I was pulling from the music, readying myself for the next verse, the words already floating by in my head and willing my lungs to sing them. Before I could sing though another voice cut through, and looking over to where Sam sat with the guitar, still very much playing along, I realized it was him singing.
He had heard my voice, he must have and this was his way of acknowledging it silently, helping me. Words cannot even express the feeling I had as I listening to him sing. It was as close to my version of Heaven as you can get. Where it stops being about the person and instead it becomes about the music.
All I saw was the music come to life through Sam and it was beautiful.
I listen to our favourite song
playing on the radio
Hear the DJ say loves a game of easy come and easy go
But I wonder does he know
Has he ever felt like this
And I know that you'd be here somehow
If I could have let you know somehow
I guess
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
I sang with him then, our voices playing perfectly off of each other, mine the higher of the two, while he continued playing and again instead of focusing on the room and all of the people within it that could be judging me, I just closed my eyes and let the music take control again.
Though it's been a while now
I can still feel so much pain
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals
but the scar, that scar remains
I know I could have saved a love that night
If I'd known what to say
Instead of makin' love
We both made our separate ways
But now I hear you found somebody new
and that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife
I guess
We finished up the song together, neither of us focused on the other, just on the music and by the time we were nearing the end I knew that I was right where I belonged. This is the Megan Winchester of old. Or rather the April Rose now and now that I had begun to find her again, finally allowing myself the luxury of following my own dreams, I knew I never wanted to let it, or the feeling coming from it go.
Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn
And there was only one person I could thank for it.
Sam Evans.
