Author's Note: When I wrote this originally, I had it set up so that all of John's texts were left-aligned and all of Sherlock's texts were right-aligned. Then I uploaded it here and made the discovery that this website does not like right-aligned text. I've settled for italicising Sherlock's texts to make it easier to read, but if you'd like to see it in its originally formatted form, please visit this story on Archive of Our Own.
Once again, a billion thanks to my brilliant beta, Becca! (Who can also be found on Archive of Our Own, under LlamaWithAPen, so if you go there you should check her out too.)
Prompt from Tumblr user toxixpumpkin's "Awkward First Meeting AUs post": "Hey you called this number at like 3AM and we talked about some pretty heavy shit do you remember any of that?"
Modern Communication
29/1/2011 Saturday
From: +07517890531
Hey, how are you doing?
4:38PM
To: +07517890531
Who is this?
SH
4:40PM
From: +07517890531
John, from the other night.
4:43PM
To: +07517890531
How remarkably vague.
SH
4:44PM
To: +07517890531
Should that name be familiar? Beyond the fact that "John" is a remarkably common name and it's probably safe to assume that I have encountered multiple "John"s throughout my life.
SH
4:46PM
From: +07517890531
Actually, I don't know that I gave you my name the other night, so it might not be familiar. So, hi, I'm John, now you can save that in your phone and put a name to a face. Well, name to a number anyway.
4:52PM
Create Contact Name:
John
Save
To: John
Should your number be familiar to me?
SH
4:59PM
From: John
I'd have thought so. You called this number at like 3am the other night and we talked about some pretty heavy stuff.
5:04PM
From: John
Do you remember any of that at all?
5:05PM
To: John
Yes.
SH
DELETED
To: John
I think you must have the wrong number.
SH
5:08PM
From: John
I'm sure I have the right number. You are Sherlock aren't you?
5:15PM
From: John
You were kind of out of it when we talked though. Kind of figured you were pretty drunk. So I don't blame you for not remembering.
5:28PM
To: John
Wrong.
DELETED
To: John
Why are you texting me now?
SH
5:32PM
From: John
I wanted to check up on you.
5:35PM
To: John
Why?
SH
5:36PM
From: John
Because you seemed like you weren't doing very well the other night. I mean, the fact that you were drunk and telling a complete stranger stuff like that probably proves you weren't at your best, doesn't it?
5:40PM
To: John
Not my point. Regardless of how I was the other night, why should you care to check up?
SH
5:43PM
From: John
Why wouldn't I?
5:45PM
To: John
Why would you? I'm a complete stranger.
SH
5:58PM
From: John
Yes. What's your point?
6:01PM
To: John
That's not an answer.
SH
6:04PM
From: John
I don't know. I was worried about you, that's all. I don't know why, it's not like I sat there and went I'm worried about that bloke Sherlock from the other night because of x y z.
6:07PM
To: John
Oh.
SH
6:22PM
From: John
That took you a moment. Speechless?
6:24PM
From: John
Look, you don't have to say anything to me. I'm a perfect stranger, I know that, and maybe I shouldn't have texted. But I just wanted to check in in case there was anything I could do to help.
6:28PM
To: John
What could you possibly do to help?
SH
6:32PM
From: John
No idea whatsoever.
6:34PM
From: John
We don't need to talk. It's fine. But if you do want to talk about anything, you can text me, yeah?
6:36PM
To: John
I don't talk about things.
SH
6:37PM
From: John
Course you don't.
6:38PM
1 February 2011 Tuesday
From: John
So, today I was on my way home from work, and every single phone box I walked past rang while I walked past it. Has that ever happened to you before?
6:28PM
To: John
Why are you texting me about this?
SH
6:30PM
From: John
So, eventually, I was like, okay, this is weird, I'm going to go pick up the phone and just see what happens. And what happened? Some guy who knows my name starts talking to me, does some weird thing with the security cameras, and then tells me to get into a car.
6:34PM
From: John
So of course I get in the car because it didn't really seem like I had a choice at that point and I ended up getting taken to some weird abandoned warehouse. Let me just clarify that nothing happens to me ever and now this makes it sound like I accidentally fell into some sort of weird horror movie.
6:37PM
To: John
He had no right.
SH
6:37PM
From: John
Ah, you do know him. Perfect. Who is he?
6:40PM
To: John
The most dangerous man in Britain. What did he want?
SH
6:41PM
From: John
He wanted to know how I knew you and what I knew about you and what my relationship with you was. Which is ridiculous because I don't even know what you look like so how the hell could I have a relationship with you of any sort?
6:44PM
From: John
Actually, on that note, how the hell did I know I'd been texting you? Does he have your phone tapped or something?
6:46PM
From: John
Does he have MY phone tapped?
6:49PM
To: John
He has everyone's phones tapped. Don't feel special.
SH
6:55PM
From: John
Oh, I'm so reassured. Who was he?
6:58PM
To: John
The British Government, more or less. What did you tell him?
SH
7:02PM
From: John
What could I tell him? We've had two conversations, and you were so drunk the first time that you don't even remember me.
7:04PM
To: John
Did you tell him that?
SH
7:09PM
From: John
That you were drunk off your face? No, not really. Mentioned that you didn't even remember me, though.
7:11PM
From: John
He said you "delete" things. Like you're a computer or something.
7:12PM
To: John
I do delete things. No point cluttering my hard drive with irrelevant information.
SH
7:15PM
From: John
You're making me think you might be a robot.
7:16PM
From: John
Oh my god, you are a robot and this is some weird Turing test.
7:18PM
To: John
You're familiar with the Turing test?
SH
7:22PM
From: John
Only as a result of watching too much sci-fi.
7:24PM
From: John
So, are you a robot? Because you made a pretty convincing human the first time we spoke.
7:25PM
To: John
Some people might tell you that my humanity is questionable, but no, I am not a robot.
SH
7:26PM
From: John
Sounds just like something a robot would say.
7:28PM
From: John
Anyway. So, you, deleting things. That's a thing?
7:32PM
To: John
Yes.
SH
7:32PM
From: John
Right. However, whoever it was that I spoke to also said that you don't usually delete people.
7:34PM
To: John
Yes, that is a bit harder to do.
SH
7:36PM
From: John
And yet you deleted me?
7:38PM
From: John
I'm taking your silence to confirm that you didn't actually forget our entire conversation from the other night.
7:51PM
To: John
Is that what my brother told you?
SH
7:56PM
From: John
He was your BROTHER?
8:00PM
From: John
And I thought my sister and I were dysfunctional.
8:02PM
To: John
You might as well know. Fewer letters needed to type out 'brother' than 'British Government'. What did he tell you?
SH
8:03PM
From: John
He said that you have an absolutely excellent memory and that he would be very surprised to know that you had either forgotten about or deleted me, even if you didn't have a clear mind that night.
8:06PM
From: John
I'm taking your silence to mean that your brother was right, then.
8:28PM
To: John
You can stop taking my silence to mean anything. Maybe I'm just doing things more important than texting you.
SH
8:32PM
From: John
You reply within a couple of minutes every time except when I've said something personal. I'm saying that's because I'm right and not because you've just coincidentally found something to do every time I mention anything heavy.
8:35PM
To: John
Stop psychoanalysing me.
SH
8:37PM
From: John
Your brother abducted me on my way home from work, I think I have psychoanalysing rights.
8:40PM
To: John
I'm not sure where your logic comes from there.
SH
8:43PM
From: John
Okay. So you lied when you said that you didn't remember me. I'm taking that as meaning you wanted to get rid of me.
8:47PM
To: John
Brilliant observation. Maybe you should take that as your cue to leave me alone.
SH
8:52PM
From: John
After our chat, I'm a bit too invested in your life to just leave you alone.
8:54PM
To: John
Why?
SH
8:55PM
From: John
Because I'm a caring person.
8:57PM
To: John
No one is selfless.
SH
9:00PM
From: John
Optimistic, aren't you? OK, what's my selfish, ulterior motive?
9:03PM
To: John
I don't know. But there has to be something.
SH
9:10PM
From: John
I've been talking to you for the past two and a half hours. You still think I'm doing this selfishly?
9:12PM
To: John
I don't know you.
SH
9:17PM
From: John
No, you don't. Maybe that was why you were able to talk to me the other night. It's easier to talk to someone who doesn't mean anything to you. You don't need to worry about them judging you or anything.
9:23PM
To: John
You're psychoanalysing me again.
SH
9:25PM
From: John
Maybe so. I have a point though. You opened up to me. And obviously that's why you don't want to talk anymore. Like you're shying away now that I know too much.
9:27PM
To: John
That sounds needlessly dramatic.
SH
9:30PM
From: John
Are you saying I'm wrong?
9:33PM
To: John
I'm replying so that you don't assume my silence means I'm agreeing with you.
SH
9:34PM
From: John
Ah, but you didn't answer the question, which basically means the same thing.
9:37PM
To: John
I don't know why I spoke to you the other night. Surely you weren't this annoying.
SH
9:40PM
From: John
No, I'm a wonderful person, and a great listener.
9:42PM
To: John
Is there a point to this conversation?
SH
9:44PM
From: John
Yes. Tell me one thing. Did talking to me the other night help?
9:48PM
To: John
Yes. But, as you probably gathered, I was not myself that night. SH
9:50PM
From: John
Doesn't matter. My point is that you felt better - at least a bit - after talking to me. So, my point is that, if you want to talk to me again, you can.
9:52PM
To: John
Why would you offer that?
SH
9:55PM
From: John
Because it's the right thing to do? God, are you this cynical about everyone?
9:58PM
To: John
It's not without reason.
SH
10:00PM
From: John
I'm sure it's not. But, whatever. My point is that you can talk to me if you want. Anyway, it's late, so I'm going to bed. Text me if you need anything.
10:02PM
To: John
What could I possibly need from you?
SH
10:04PM
From: John
Nothing at all. Goodnight.
10:08PM
12 February 2011 Saturday
To: John
Would you kill a man for taking your job?
SH
11:13AM
From: John
What? No.
11:16AM
To: John
Thought so.
SH
11:17AM
From: John
Where on earth did that come from?
12:08PM
To: John
Proving a point.
SH
12:10PM
From: John
What point? Are you planning on killing someone for taking your job?
12:12PM
To: John
No, of course not. I'm trying to prove that a suspect in a murder investigation did not kill the victim. The victim having taken said suspect's job is not a good enough motive to warrant suspicion.
SH
12:15PM
From: John
Hey, just because I wouldn't personally murder someone for taking my job doesn't mean no one else would. You can't really base that motive off my answer.
12:17PM
To: John
No, of course I can't, don't be stupid. There are several other reasons why I don't suspect him. Among those is the fact that I don't believe one would kill someone for taking their job unless they were prone to aggressive tendencies beforehand. He has no evidence of being aggressive. Plus, he's the wrong build. The victim wasn't a small man by any means, and so whoever killed him must have had enough strength to overpower him, as well as likely some sort of combat training given the evidence of the fight
12:25PM
To: John
Oh.
SH
12:28PM
To: John
Oh, of course.
SH
12:32PM
From: John
Oh what?
12:36PM
From: John
What happened?
12:52PM
From: John
You aren't going to leave me hanging here, are you?
1:38PM
From: John
Or maybe you are. Okay then.
2:22PM
To: John
You'll be pleased to know I solved it.
SH
6:16PM
From: John
I feel like you're having a conversation that's half with me and half in your own head and you're not realising that I'm not following all of it. Care to explain?
6:21PM
To: John
I was investigating a murder.
SH
6:23PM
From: John
I gathered that much.
6:25PM
To: John
The victim was in his late thirties, recently employed by a company to replace another man that they had fired. This other man was Scotland Yard's main suspect, because they believed that being fired was a motive, despite the fact that the other man had never shown signs of reckless behaviour. They also did not take into consideration that the victim had already stepped on many people's toes in his first month of working at the company and had made several enemies. There was evidence of a physical fight before the man was killed - cause of death was a wound from something sharp - and I remembered while I was talking to you that I had seen photos in another employees' office of that employee with a black belt. I did a bit of digging, and it turns out that the reason the victim had gotten hired so quickly was because he was having an affair with the manager, and this other employee found out about it. She was friends with the suspect, so, obviously, she took it somewhat personally that her friend had been replaced with someone who was having an affair with the manager. Confronted him about it after work, got into a fist fight, took advantage of a broken bottle. Dull, really, when you think about it.
SH
6:38PM
From: John
I don't know if I'd call that dull. That's kind of brilliant, that you worked all that out. You're a detective?
6:43PM
To: John
Consulting detective. I invented the job.
SH
6:47PM
From: John
Consulting detective. Like a private detective?
6:50PM
To: John
No, they're completely different. People don't hire me. I aid the police when they're out of their depth. Occasionally people will request my assistance, but I reserve the right to refuse cases if they're dull. Which they so often are. Would you believe the number of people who asked for my help finding out if their partner is having an affair? Tedious.
SH
6:54PM
From: John
You must be pretty good, if people are trying to hire you.
6:58PM
To: John
I am.
SH
6:59PM
From: John
So why were you texting me for help this morning?
7:03PM
To: John
I wasn't texting you for help, exactly. I just needed someone to talk at. My brain moves far faster than the average person's; on occasion it is useful to slow it down should something jump out at me that I had initially overlooked, as was the case.
SH
7:05PM
From: John
Don't you have people you work with for that? Assistants and other people on the case and such?
7:08PM
To: John
I don't have an assistant at present, and most of the homicide department don't work with me willingly. Not to mention that they're quite a bit slower than your average person. Really, the standards for hiring at New Scotland Yard are depressingly low.
SH
7:11PM
From: John
So your option was to text the person you'd had all of two conversations with? The person who you tried to get rid of the last time we spoke, for that matter?
7:14PM
To: John
You did offer yourself for me to text if I wanted to.
SH
7:16PM
From: John
Fair point. Still, this wasn't quite what I had in mind.
7:19PM
To: John
Problem?
SH
7:20PM
From: John
No, actually. No problem at all.
7:24PM
From: John
If you ever have any more interesting cases like that, do let me know. It was kind of the highlight of my day.
7:38PM
To: John
Did you have that bad a day?
SH
7:42PM
From: John
Not bad, really. Just dull. GP work is kind of boring when you've been exposed to something more fast-paced.
7:48PM
To: John
You're a doctor.
SH
7:50PM
To: John
Is that why you wanted to help me the other night? You felt a duty of care?
SH
7:51PM
From: John
To be honest, I wasn't really thinking it had anything to do with being a doctor.
7:53PM
To: John
Perhaps it was unconscious.
SH
7:55PM
From: John
Maybe it wasn't. I can't really say anything for certain about that. But, whatever the cause was, I wanted to help. And I did help. And if there is anything more I can do, I'd be happy to help.
7:59PM
To: John
I can't imagine it is very likely that I'll text you for the same reason as I did the first night. I guarantee that that is not a state I find myself in very often. However, I may text you with regards to case-work, should I need someone to talk to in order to sort out my train of thought. If you find that idea acceptable.
SH
8:03PM
From: John
I did just say your case was the highlight of my day. Kind of like a detective story. I wouldn't mind it if you texted me about it again.
8:06PM
From: John
I could be your assistant. Your phone assistant.
8:07PM
To: John
How very modern.
SH
8:10PM
From: John
It's a new age.
8:12PM
From: John
And on that note, I need to make food, so I'll be off for the night. Good luck, text me if you need anything else. I'll be an excellent assistant, I'm sure.
8:13PM
To: John
We shall soon see. Until next time, John.
SH
8:15PM
From: John
Talk soon, Sherlock.
8:17PM
