So, I saw a picture of what someone thought Marshall Lee's mom looked like and...my god, is all I can say. Well, not all I can say; she's the Ice Queen's only competition.

That's right, fanboys; come and get me~

Oh, and one little thing; this chapter goes out to fullmoonwolf950, who must be the female version of me floating around, and eats WAY more sugar and enjoys good yaoi just as much as I~


Disclaimer

Adventure Time isn't mine; I only own my OCs Gwynn and Jasso (so far)~


It was a brisk, spring morning in the Land of Ooo. A gentle breeze wafted through the country and the sun shared its warmth with all who accepted it, the obvious exceptions being three certain vampires.

One who was in the middle of a severe mental breakdown.

"Oh glob, oh glob, oh glob, oh glob..."

Finn, Jake and Gwynn watched as Marshall Lee zoomed back and forth across the treehouse, adjusting bookshelves, dusting counters and generally cleaning things in a mad frenzy. The blonde had never seen the vampire so fastidious, and he didn't even know what that word meant.

"Is Daddy okay?" queried Gwynn, giving Finn a concerned look. The hero shrugged; even when they weren't married, Lee was always hard to read. A mystery wrapped in an enigma, deep-fried in confusion and sprinkled with an even coating of what-the-glob.

Marshall let out an uncharacteristically girlish shriek, his piercing red eyes locked onto the doorway that was Gwynn's room. "We need to seal this! Now!"

"But why-" Finn barely finished before Lee raised his hands and began chanting in a dark, ancient language, black energy swirling around his fingertips. When he finished his chant, the door had shrunk and shrunk and shrunk until it was the size of a mouse hole.

"Meant to block it off..." muttered Lee, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. "But that works, too."

Curiosity overpowering his common sense, Jake stretched himself over to the immortal, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Okay, man, you've been acting weird all morning. What's going on?"

"...SHE'S coming." muttered Lee, with a sense of dread.

The pug blinked. "Who? Marceline?" Even though he was still a teensy bit scared of her, he wondered how the punk rocker could instill such fear and worry into the king.

Marshall shook his head. "No, worse. My mom."

A beat, and Finn and Jake burst into laughter while Gwynn broke out into a smile and clapped her hands. "Yay, Grandma's coming!"

"Pfft, that's why you're scared, man?" snickered Jake, wiping a tear from his eye. "Aw, the big bad Vampire King's scared of his mommy."

With a loud hiss, Lee's face split apart, one half turning into a werewolf with a bulging yellow eye and razor-sharp teeth, the other into a horrific mix between a cockroach and a bullfrog, mandibles clicking loudly. With a frightened yelp, Jake scurried away into his 'Vampire Safety Corner', which was really just a portion of the house where sunlight stayed the longest throughout the day.

"Dude, why're you so worried?" asked Finn, barely trying to hide the smile on his face. "Is your mom a neat freak or something?"

"Ugh, you've got no idea." groaned the vampire, gripping his head in exasperation. "Every day with her, it was like, 'Marshall, clean this mess up right now! I raised a vampire, not a werewolf!' or 'These skulls are just LYING all over the place!' or 'You can't just leave your corpses out in the open like this! and junk like that. I tell ya, the day I moved out was the greatest day of my afterlife."

Finn let out an 'Ooh' of understanding, realizing why Marshall had been cleaning the house since 1am. But then a thought struck him. "Wait, I thought she could only come to Ooo if someone summoned her."

Lee reached into the pocket of his standard black and red plaid shirt, pulling a small piece of paper from it. Unfolding it, he revealed it to be a calendar, with today's date circled three times in red marker. At least...it looked like marker.

"Normally, yeah." said Lee, handing the paper to Finn and Gwynn. "But today's one of the four days when Mars is in perfect alignment with Ooo, which weakens the barrier between this plane and the Nightosphere."

Finn shrieked in fear, jumping into the surprised Gwynn's arms. "You mean all the evil in the Nightosphere's gonna come and kill us?"

Lee shook his head. "I said weakens, not dissolves. Only the baddest of the bad'll be able to make it through. Like my mom." The night-walker shuddered, scratching his head nervously.

"...Why do I still feel like you're hiding something from me?" asked Finn, plopping out of Gwynn's arms and raising an eyebrow at the vampire. Lee's eyebrows shot up and he turned away from Finn, fidgeting nervously.

"H-hiding something? I'm not hiding anything."

Finn began tapping his foot, placing his hands on his hips. "Lee, what aren't you telling us?"

There was a brief moment of silence before Lee turned around, a coy smile on his face. Slowly, he floated over to Finn on his back. "You know, Finn..." he said mischievously, flicking the blonde's ear. "I never really noticed just how cute that bear hat of yours is..."

Shivering slightly, Finn swatted away the immortal's hand. "That sweet talk ain't gonna work on me this time. Talk."

Realizing he was trapped, Lee sighed and slumped in the air, staring up ashamedly at his wife and child. "Okay, you asked for it. ...My mom...doesn't know about Gwynn."

Stunned silence.

Finn's mouth dropped into a perfect 'O' of surprise and Gwynn was so shocked, she stopped floating, hitting solid ground with a soft 'oof'.

"She WHAT?" roared Finn, sending a rarely-felt twinge of fear into the vampire's unbeating heart. Jake, meanwhile, was laughing uproariously, safely protected by his little sunlit corner. "HOW could you not tell your mom she's a grandmother! What the math is WRONG with you?"

"Well, forgive me for not thinking things through as I was drawing a pentagram on your-"

Marshall Lee didn't get to finish, because at that very moment, the sky suddenly darkened, casting the treehouse in ominous shadow. Jake shrieked in fear and shrunk down to the size of a pea, quaking. Slowly, a circle appeared in the center of the living room, criss-crossing into the shape of a seven-pointed star with a PHIL FACE in its middle. The heptagram then burst into flame, a horrifically unearthly wail emanating from it.

"Aw, spit."

From the sigil's center burst an inconceivable mass of tendrils, organs, blood and bone, making horrible squelching sounds as it twisted and writhed upon the mark.

Slowly, the mass came together, coalescing into the form of a woman who appeared to be in her mid-30s. She stood in purple stiletto heels with thigh-high stockings striped pink and lilac, in a crushed grape skirt suit with a long-sleeved single-breasted 3-piece jacket. Her raven hair was tied in a simple bun with two thin sticks piercing the base. Her red eyes glittered with mischief as they scanned the room, locking onto a grumpy looking Vampire King.

"Marshall!" squealed the woman, rushing forward and wrapping the royal in a bear bug. "It's so nice to see you again! You look good, sweetie!"

Lee let out a nervous laugh and returned his mother's hug. "It's good to see you, too, mom. You, ah...you haven't changed a bit."

The woman giggled, tousling her son's hair. "Oh, sweetie, you're still so serious. I so rarely see you smile."

Lee, wanting to divert attention, gestured to Finn. "And mom, this is Finn, my...partner."

The blonde nervously waved at the vampire woman, trying to divert his eyes from her ample bosom. "N-nice to meet you, Lee's mom."

The woman laughed gaily, floating over to the hero, picking him up and holding him close to her chest in a tight embrace. "Oh, isn't he cute! I could just drain him dry~"

Lee sighed as Finn let out a shriek, his face turning bright red as his head was nestled perfectly into the woman's cleavage. "Mom, let him go. He's terrified."

The brunette turned to her son, pouting as she squished the hero tighter. "Aw, but he's such a cutie! Can't I hold onto him a little longer?"

"No, mom; now put my wife down."

Lee's mom blinked. "Ohh..." she said, gently setting down the blonde. "So he's the wife."

"What's THAT supposed to mean!" hissed the king, his forked tongue darting out between his fangs in a show of malice.

Lee's mom giggled, waving her son's outrage away. "Oh, come now, Marshmallow, I was only teasing."

Marshall's cheeks turned flaming red as Finn burst into laughter, clutching his sides. "M-Marshmallow? Oh, that's freaking hilarious!"

"Mom, I TOLD you never to call me that!"

While Lee fumed angrily, his mother's eyes finally took notice of Gwynn, who had been quietly and awkwardly trying to blend into the background.

"My, my, Marshall Lee!" exclaimed his mother, floating to the terrified vampiress. "Who's this pretty young thing? Don't tell me you and Finn are into…extramarital activities?"

Lee covered his face with his hands, letting out a long, drawn out sound that suspiciously sounded like "Please, Grod, kill me now."

The older vampiress floated around the younger one, sizing her up carefully. "She's not that bad-looking, though. She looks a bit like that girl, what's her name...Marceline!"

The brunette suddenly turned to Marshall Lee, a dark look in her eyes that made the immortal cower. "You two haven't..."

"MOM, NO!" screamed the bassist, face redder than all of Mars. "She's my...my..." Lee struggled to find the words, but was too gripped with fear to form coherent thoughts.

"Mistress."

Three pairs of eyes (four if you count the still mini-Jake) turned to Finn with eyes wide enough to split the heavens.

"Come again?" sputtered Lee's mom, as the immortal himself looked on the verge of having a seizure.

"Y-yeah." Finn said as Gwynn blushed fiercely. "She's Gwynn and she's Lee's...mistress. See, I'm an adventurer and I'm usually gone for long periods, so she...services Lee...while I'm gone."

Lee looked as if he was about to throw himself into the sunlight.

"He's very sexual."

A sort of strangled, gargling wail erupted from the Vampire King, thumping to the floor as his eyes rolled into the back of his head.

Marshall Lee's mom clucked her tongue, giving Gwynn an odd look. The vampiress looked away and tried with all her might to check to see if she had the power of invisibility yet.

"Well...she IS pretty cute. I suppose I can let this slide...IF you let me test her out."

Marshall Lee swore he heard the sound of glass breaking in his head. It was probably his sanity and well-being.

"I'm sorry." squeaked Gwynn, staring at her unknowing grandmother. "Do what now?"

The elder vampiress smiled reached her hand out, toying with a strand of Gwynn's naturally two-toned hair. "Well, I have to make sure you're right for my little Marshmallow." Gwynn shivered as the woman's hand drifted from her hair down to her side. "I've gotta make sure that everything's in...working order."

"Grandm-I mean, Mrs. Marshall Lee's mom!" squeaked Gwynn as the woman's hand curved around her firm apple bottom.

The woman placed a shushing finger to the two-tone's lips, licking her own hungrily. "Please...call me Lilliana. You'll be screaming that name soon enough."

"Okay, this has gone on the flop long enough!"

Marshall Lee, face red enough to make the planet Mars look pale, was glaring hard at his mom, fists clenched so hard his knuckles were white.

Lilliana blinked, her eyes darting between the terrified Gwynn and the furious Vampire King. "Oh, I'm sorry, dear." she said, gently pushing the two-tone towards her son. "Did you want to have a go first?"

"NO, I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE A GO FIRST! THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!"

The moment Lee finished, he instantly regretted it. He covered his mouth as his eyes widened in shock, Finn bugging out and Jake having long vacated the treehouse to seek shelter at Lady's.

"...What."

Lee squeaked as Lilliana ceased floating, dropping down to the floor with a loud 'thump', her heels digging into the wood. Her eyes narrowed, she walked over to her son, her heels ablaze and leaving dark purple embers forming the path she walked.

"Come down here, Marshall."

Hanging his head in shame, Lee floated down until he, too was on terra-firma. Though his mother was shorter than him by roughly 3 inches, even in heels, she still managed to radiate an aura of immense power that made his and Finn's blood run cold.

"When were you planning on telling me?"

Her question was so soft, Lee almost thought she hadn't said anything. He looked at her and was surprised to see a small tear forming at the corner of his mother's eye.

The sight of that lone tear made Lee feel something he hadn't felt in over 700 years: guilt. "Mom..." sighed Lee, wanting to diffuse the situation. "I...I was worried you'd be mad."

"Why would I be mad?" she replied, another tear spilling from her formerly dry eye. "How could you think I wouldn't want to see my own granddaughter?"

"Because...she's...four months old?"

Lilliana blinked, the corners of her eye still damp with tears. "What?"

"It's...kinda true."

The Lady of Evil turned around to see Gwynn awkwardly shuffling her feet in midair. "There was a problem with the birthing ritual and...my age accelerated last week. I just LOOK eighteen."

Lilliana whipped her head back to stare at Lee. "You used a birthing ritual?" She then pointed to Finn. "On HIM?"

Lee sighed. "We're both boys, mom; it's not like making a campfire."

"Let me see the book."

In a flash, Lee was gone and had returned with the Vampiridion. Lilliana took it, turning it over in her hands. "Lee?"

"Yes, mom?"

"You...DO know this is an old edition, right?"

Lee stared. "Say what?"

Sighing, the deathless woman flipped the book open to the front page and pointed a blood-red fingernail at what was written there. "Edition No. 2,367."

With a snap of her fingers, a book much like the Vampiridion appeared in Lilliana's hands, except it was light purple, the star was green and the circle enclosing it was blue. "THIS is the current edition, sweetie."

Lee's jaw dropped, making the vampiress smile slightly. "You used an outdated method, honey. Be thankful she stopped at eighteen, she could've stopped at 70."

Finn and Lee shuddered at the thought.

"So..." Lilliana said, turning to Gwynn with her hands on her hips. "I'm waiting."

Gwynn stared at her parents expectantly, who shrugged in reply. "F...for what?"

Lilliana huffed, a big smile growing on her face. "Come over here and give your grandma a hug!"

Smiling for the first time since the day started, Gwynn rushed into her grandma's arms, squeezing her tightly. "Grandma!"

"Gwynn!"

While the two women hugged, Finn was thumbing through the revised Vampiridion, looking for something. "Here it is!" he said, shooting Lee a dirty look. "I TOLD you the pentagram wasn't supposed to go there!"

Also smiling for the first time that day, Lee shrugged, enjoying the sight of Finn riled up. "It's an honest mistake."

"Honest mistake, my ass."

Lee chuckled and floated over to Finn, kissing him on the nose. "Exactly, silly."


I wholeheartedly imagine Lee's mom to be a damn fine woman. Damn fine~