Unlocking the door, she hurried inside and lit a few candles. Then added some more wood to the fire as it had begun to die down. Stopping to warm her hands over it for a moment, she contemplated that she was beginning to feel as though she had a place in this eclectic mix of people that made up the Inquisition. Even finding that now she was so busy, she could push away her feelings of self loathing when she had to deal with Cullen. The way she could disregard those feelings. She would have been proud, Jen thought resentfully.
Why did she have to think of her? Now when the woman who had shaped her was so long ago in her past, that Jen could ignore the teachings of a selfish woman with only self interest at her heart.
There was a soft crunch of snow outside the door. Jen's head snapped towards it waiting. Some skills she had learned couldn't afford to be forgotten. She concentrated, trying to hear more and then a knock came.
Slowly she pulled back the deadbolt, opening the door a crack. Before her stood the last person Jen expected to seek her out. Leliana.
"What can I do for you Sister?" Jen asked, taken aback.
"I feel that we are long overdue that chat I promised you, and also another item has come up that I need your assistance with. May I come in?" The spymaster didn't wait for Jen's reply, smartly hitting her boots against the step to remove the snow from them, before stepping over the threshold.
"This is a nice cabin you have got here Trevelyan." Jen grimaced as she said her surname, which she was sure was the reason Leliana had said it. The spymaster didn't show it though, continuing to look around and then pulled her hood down. Her auburn hair was cut in a bob that extended no further than her jawline.
Deciding that she was going to need one, Jen opened her cupboard searching for her bottle of whiskey and two glasses. She set them on the table and asked, "Can I tempt you Sister?"
"Please," replied the Spymaster curtly.
Jen pulled one of the wooden chairs away from the table and sat, gesturing for Leliana to do the same.
"So Sister, how can I help you?" Jen asked when Leilana sat.
"You puzzle me Trevelyan," Leliana said slowly. "Born to a noble family, but you hate to hear the very name of the family you belong to. Then it seems that you disappear off the face of the earth for years only to return as a mercenary and attend the conclave as your own family's representative."
She took a sip of the whisky. "Surely you can see why someone like me who lives a life surrounded by secrets and intrigue would be slow to trust you?"
"I can understand that Sister," murmured Jen, refusing to meet the piercing stare that the spymaster directed at her.
"Leliana— please!" countered Leliana insistently.
"My apologies Leliana." Jen was beginning to feel that she was about to be outmanoeuvred and there was little she could do to stop it. In the past she would have simply pulled one of her daggers free from its sheath and buried it in the person who dared to question her, until their blood stained the floor and they moved no more. That was before her soul and her conscience had begun to reawaken.
She couldn't do that anymore. Even if she hadn't been trying to change, there was a massive hole in the sky and it would be unwise to kill one of the few people in Thedas who wanted to fix it, plus had the influence to make a difference.
"I need to know more about you, Jennifer before I can trust you. I can do it the difficult way, utilising my network to slowly piece together how you have lived for the past 17 years since you left Ostwick, or you can tell me. That is your choice."
"I don't see why I should. Have you done this with everyone who works in the Inquisition?" Jen gaped at the smug expression on Leliana's face. "You have, haven't you? I can't imagine there was much to find on Josephine or the Commander?"
"I have known Josephine for a long time, from when I used to work as a Bard in Val Royeux. But I still set her a test to see if she was worthy of her position. Cullen…" she sighed, "has a troubled past, more complicated than you might think. However, I have also known him for a long time, so I know and trust him. You on the other hand are an unknown. An anomaly. I cannot trust you."
"You say I have a choice," retorted Jen sharply, "but I feel very much like I am being threatened Leliana. Something I don't take lightly," she whispered dangerously.
"And there it is." Laughed Leliana, though the laughter did not reach her eyes. "There is a darkness in you Jennifer Trevelyan and I would like to know how it came to be."
"No." Jen gripped her whisky glass tightly, fighting the impulse to hurt the smirking Spymaster sat in front of her.
"So you don't deny the darkness? And I think we can add the anger to that list, looking at the way your hand is shaking on that glass."
"Stop Leliana." She could barely control the tremors of anger in her voice.
"Why? I need to know that we can rely on you. You hold a great power burned into your hand. Without you the world could fall to demons, another blight could begin! What happened to you Jennifer? Who are you?"
"DO NOT ASK ME TO RELIVE MY LIFE!" Jen shouted, her anger bursting from her. She was panting. She needed to run. Turning to act on the impulse, she stood up quickly from the table. Leliana grabbed her arm with the speed that Jen would have scarce thought possible. That was how fast she could move, but she had never met another who could match her. The Spymaster twisted Jen's arm up behind her back forcing her to the ground. Trying to counter, Jen threw her body sideways to catch Leliana off guard, but couldn't throw her off. It was as though Leilana knew what she would do before she did it. Forcing Jen to her knees, Jen felt her jacket ride up at the back. Her tattoo– no!
There was a sharp intake of breath. Leliana's grip lessened and Jen spun away on her hands and knees. Panic consumed her.
"You–" Leliana seemed lost for words. "You are – her," she whispered. "Raven." Then Leliana did something so unexpected that Jen didn't know how to react. She moved forwards, a softer expression on her face. One of wonder. Slowly kneeling down before Jen, she pulled the confused Herald towards her carefully and folded her gently into a warm embrace.
Jen's mind was racing, the adrenaline that was the byproduct of her fight or flight response coursing through her. As Leliana held her close she could smell the Spymasters sweet, flowery perfume.
"Leliana... what?" asked Jen hoarsely.
Wordlessly Leliana stood and pulled up the back of her tunic. Beneath, was a tattoo incredibly similar to Jen's own, but in the centre of the circle was a black Nightingale, not a Raven.
"I— she— you knew her?"
"Who do you mean when you say her, Jennifer?" asked Leliana softly.
"Marjorlaine."
Leliana closed her eyes in resignation. "She told me that there was another once. A child, who she shaped into a weapon with the help of an old man. That child, that was you." It wasn't a question.
"Yes," croaked Jen, trying to gain her her composure. She laughed humourlessly. "Perhaps now you might have an inkling as to why I don't like to speak about my past." Standing slowly and pulling out one of the wooden chairs to sit again, Jen settled at the table.
"I never knew that there was another?" Jen asked.
"I didn't have quite the same experience as I know that you had with Marjorlaine." Leliana said carefully as she joined Jen at the table. "I know now that she manipulated me to her own ends, that she betrayed me and my friends to torture and death because she was threatened by me. But to begin with, I went willingly, because I was sixteen and completely entranced by her. She was my lover." The shame in Leliana's voice was apparent.
Jen opened her mouth to speak, but the Spymaster held her hand up. "That is how I learned of you. She told me willingly. And later gleefully, because of how proficient you were becoming. 'My little Raven, completely without remorse.' She used to say."
"That's what she would say when she visited and I had pulled off another assignment." Jen spat bitterly.
"So now you know Leliana, but what will you do? I was a trained killer, an assassin and even a seductress if required. I gloried in the death I created, because as a teenager I became addicted to the rush of it. I felt nothing for those I killed. As Marjorlaine said, I was without remorse. You are right, there is a darkness in me. What will you do now you know?" Jen felt empty, her soul was slowly being bared for this woman to see. The steel sheath she had built around it for so many years, fatiguing and cracking under everything she was now learning.
The Spymaster frowned.
"Practically, I cannot send you away because then how would we close the breach. But knowing some of what you must have experienced, makes you less of an unknown quantity. I have watched you recently. You try so hard to help others now. I assume to help assuage the guilt you feel?"
Taking a large draught from her glass, Jen wondered idly how she had come to this point. Where the first person she revealed her past to, was the one person she was most petrified of finding out. Other than perhaps, Cullen.
"That's was why I started yes. But, I've realised that these people need me and I can make a difference here."
"Interesting. But what was it that made you leave the path that you had been set on? I know you didn't lie when you said you had worked as a mercenary." Leliana looked genuinely concerned for her.
"I—" Jen swallowed. "I don't want to speak of it. Not yet. But I will say this, someone I cared about deeply was killed, because of what I did."
She ran her hands through her hair to try and distract herself from the tears she could feel threatening to flow.
Leliana seemed to be weighing her up, making a decision. "I sought you out you know?" she whispered. "After I killed Marjolaine, I looked for you. I wanted to help you, but all I found were whispers of an assassin going by the name of Raven. I could never get any of my people close enough to you. Why did you carry on, even though she was dead? You must have known?"
Jen laughed hoarsely, she was still trying to compose herself and failing miserably. "I was addicted to it Leliana. The power that taking a life can make you feel you have, the expression on their faces when they realise that they are at an end. And I was so good at it. She shaped me into a weapon, it was all I had known. It is a long time since I was a child and knew kindness. I was beaten when I refused to follow orders and brainwashed to think how she wanted me to. I was her pawn in the great game. She created the perfect asset, an expert killer without a conscience. So when she died, I became my own boss, but I carried on. I made so much gold. Why would I stop?"
"Marjolaine was a master of manipulation. I have plenty experience of that." Leliana sighed. "Thank you for telling me this Jennifer. Even though I know you would have rather not. I will respect your privacy on the parts of your story you have left unsaid. But if you need to talk to someone, I won't judge."
"You don't know what I have done though."
"Jennifer, I murdered and manipulated my way through the Orlesian court for years until I met the Hero of Fereldan and she showed me another way. I doubt that you have done much worse than I have." Leliana replied exasperatedly. "It's what you do now to make up for it that matters."
Jen drank the remaining contents of her glass and motioned to pour herself and Leliana another. The spymaster declined on a second with a shake of her head.
"No thank you, I need to be off. But there is another matter that I would like you to look into once you return from the Storm Coast. The Grey Wardens are disappearing and I would like to know why. I have traced one called Blackwall to the Hinterlands. If you could find him when you return there, I would appreciate it."
"I will look into it when I can," said Jen, taken aback that Leliana still wanted her help.
With a nod, the Spymaster headed to the door. Once she had opened it, she turned back to Jen who had followed behind her to see her out. Leliana grasped her shoulder and whispered "It is nice to have finally found you Raven. Goodnight."
With that Leliana pulled up her hood and strode off into the night, leaving behind her an emotionally drained Herald who had no idea what she was going to do now, nor the implications that this night would have.
