Tony's confession came as both a relief and a burden. He was relieved to finally share what he had seen in Ziva's hospital room, but on the other hand he feared what Gibbs' reaction would be. He wasn't exactly counting on a man, who had twice been in a coma. To be accepting of pulling the plug on somebody who might have been alive after all. Still he was glad to have that off his chest. He had tried to ignore it, tried to pretend that it hadn't happened. He wished so desperately that he had told the doctor, before Ziva's heart gave out. His fear was that she had more brain function and hope than what he had been told, and had died of panic.
"Are you sure?" Gibbs asked, breaking a pregnant pause.
"As sure as I've been of anything. Her eyes opened, her hand lifted and twitched." Tony explained.
"I am going to call, Ducky." Gibbs declared.
"What would Ducky know?" Tony asked.
"He is a doctor and he preformed Ziva's autopsy." Gibbs reminded.
"Will he be made at me?" Tony questioned.
"Not the Ducky I know." Gibbs assured.
Tony's hands trembled as he sat on Gibbs' couch and waited for Ducky. He remembered overhearing Ducky mention the autopsy and he remembered Gibbs mentioning Ducky had preformed the procedure. He had probably had to sign papers after the autopsy was completed but he had no memory of the Ziva related events, following her death. He remembered holding Tali and he remembered seeing Jack but he had blocked out Ziva. He had blocked it all out, until Abby accused him of murdering Ziva. Maybe Abby was just being crazy or maybe she knew the truth. He was in tears by the time Ducky finally arrived.
"Anthony, Dear Boy I understand you have some questions about Ziva's death." Ducky commented.
"Her hand moved and her eyes blinked." Tony sighed.
"I do not doubt you saw what you saw." Ducky replied.
"So there's a chance that she was not brain-dead and paralyzed and that I...that I killed her." Tony gasped.
"I can assure you that Ziva was in fact profoundly paralyzed and that her brain was damaged beyond any shred of hope." Ducky explained.
"Then how did I see her move? How did her eyes open?!" Tony demanded.
"What you witnessed Anthony was an involuntary reflex. They occur commonly in both paralysis patients and Traumatic Brain Injury victims. They are frequent in coma patients and have given many a loved one false hope." Ducky explained.
"Are you sure?" Tony asked.
"I preformed her autopsy myself Anthony. I checked everything twice and shared her injuries with several of my friends in the medical field. Medical Examiners, Neurologists, and even a regular old ER doctor. They all confirmed what Ziva's physicians and I already knew. That woman was gone. There was nothing to be done. Anthony I have told you this and Jethro has too. I do not know if you are just in shock or denial, or if there is something more going on. I just know that my heart is breaking for you and I wish that I could have been me instead of her. I am so sorry Anthony. I wish I could tell you more, I wish I could do more, but even Jethro is at a loss. Just know that you are loved and that you are not alone." Ducky explained.
"OK" Tony sniffed.
"Come here my boy." Ducky called, opening his arms to embrace Tony.
Tony watched the world pass by from the guestroom window. The sun was far too bright and the sounds on the street far too happy. It took all he had not to curse out the people down below. It was horrible but in a way he hated them. He hated anybody who felt even a molecule of happiness. He hated that people were happy. When he was so broken and hopeless inside. Ducky's talk had done nothing for him and neither had Gibbs' love. He hated everything about the world without Ziva. Tony's phone buzzed and he let out a groan. He did not want to talk to anybody. His heartache only grew. When he saw that it was Senior calling him.
"Hello?"
"Junior? I had missed calls from you."
"Yeah dad, I have some. I have some terrible news for you."
"What did you do now?"
"I didn't do anything. Dad something awful has happened."
"Just get the the point. I have a meeting in twenty minutes!"
"The other day. There was a car accident. Jack walked away but Ziva... dad, Ziva is dead. They had to deliver our baby. It's a girl but she is early and Ziva is dead."
"Are you saying that Ziva is dead?"
"Yes dad, she's gone."
"Tough break now the kids are alright?"
"Yes sir, thank God."
"Men shouldn't have to raise brats. The baby should be good to be dropped off at the fire station when she gets out and as for the boy. Well I have some boarding school brochures I have been meaning to send you."
"Dad Jack is three!"
"Yeah it's called Wallace or something but they take kids as soon as they are potty trained."
"Dad! I am not sending my three year old to boarding school! I am not abandoning my newborn at the firehouse! I am not going to be like you!"
"Just trying to help but it's clear you don't care. Sorry about Ziva but let's face it. She was too good for you anyway.
"FUCK YOU!"
Just when Tony thought he could not be anymore emotionally devastated or destroyed. He had his interaction with Senior. He smashed his phone hard on the windowsill and then thrust it hard at the wall. He was crying his eyes out and by that time he was actively praying for death. At least Senior had not accused him but he knew that was coming. He hated life, he hated the world. He wanted to die but he knew that Ziva would be furious if he killed himself. With a broken heart he watched the Palmer's carry a sleeping Jack inside. Thinking quickly he switched off the light, closed the door, and climbed into bed. He was nowhere near tired but he did not want Jack to see him like this, he did not want anybody to see him this broken. He had no faith in any sort of God or Universal justice anymore. Still he prayed to whatever the hell was out there controlling everything.'
"Please give me strength." Tony pleaded, a million more tears falling from his eyes.
A/N: Don't worry Gibbs will find out about Senior soon. New chapter will be up soon. Please review and thanks for reading.
