This story is dedicated to my friend, Pam, who recently lost her husband to cancer. She's a wonderful friend with a beautiful soul who didn't deserve losing her best friend to such a devastating and deadly disease. I love you, girl.
So, next chapter will have some angst. Bella is getting better and she's letting Edward in, but she still feels the guilt of having feelings toward our favorite cop. Now, are they dating? No, not yet. They're friendship is changing into something more. She feels comforted, safe and hopeful around him. Edward feels protective, concern and cares for Bella a great deal. In his eyes, she is something special.
Not mine…Just sayin…
Chapter Seven
BPOV
A year ago. One year ago…Jacob died. It was the single most traumatic moment of my life. One minute, we were talking and then, he was gone. I remembered that moment like it was yesterday. The moment where my life and my children's lives changed forever…
"Are you saying I look awful?" I asked my husband.
"No, Bells. You look beautiful. You always do," he murmured, reaching weakly for my face. I grabbed his hand, pressing it to my cheek. His hand was cold against my skin. "Bells, I want you to promise me something."
"What, Jake?" I asked, my brows furrowing.
"When I'm gone, keep living your life," he whispered. "Don't give up because I'm gone."
"Jake, stop it. You're …" I muttered, trailing off.
"I'm dying, Bells. I know I won't see tomorrow," he said, smiling wistfully.
"How can I promise that? The man who gave me all of my happiness is leaving me," I sobbed, looking at him.
"You'll find another who will give you happiness," he said. "I know you'll grieve for me, but know I am always going to be watching over you. Hell, I may help your new man find you."
"Jacob William Black! That is not funny," I snarled, shooting up from my seat.
"It wasn't meant to be," Jake said weakly. "Tell the kids I love them and that I'll always love them, even from heaven. Apologize to Gracie for me. I was supposed to have high tea with her on her birthday. She had a special hat for me. Also, make sure Johnny looks out for his sister. He's got to be the overbearing man of the house once she starts dating."
"Jake, stop. You're scaring me," I said, racing back to the chair. I took his face in my hands. "Don't say goodbye. Not yet."
"Tell Bella to be happy," he choked out, tears falling onto his cheeks. "I love you, Bella. You were my first love. My only love. I'll never forget you."
"JAKE! NO!" I hissed.
"Kiss me, Bella," he begged. His voice was getting weaker and his skin was getting colder. "I want to remember what your lips felt like one last time." I choked back a sob, leaning forward to kiss his chapped lips. He sighed contentedly and then …
Nothing.
"NO!" I screamed, falling against him. "You can't go. NO!" Pam ran in and pulled me away, hugging me tightly. "Why? Why did you tease me? Come back, Jake! Please! Come back!"
Shaking off that nightmarish day, I tried to keep it together. Shockingly, I wasn't as upset as I anticipated. I was ready to spend the day, curled up on my couch and looking through the picture albums. Yes, I was sad. Extremely sad, but I wasn't filled with despair like I had expected.
I sent my children to school with my father. I did contemplate keeping them home with me, but after much debate, most of which was at midnight while I paced the basement, I decided to send them to school. I did forewarn their teachers about the date. Mr. Molina was concerned, promising to keep an eye on John. Lauren was dismissive, saying that I should send them to therapy. I ignored her comment. I'm already doing that, you skank.
I was dressed in all black, wearing my wedding set. After today, I was not going to wear it.
My kids knew that today was a bad day. John was reserved, sad and contemplative. Grace was very weepy and clingy. She didn't want to leave me, but I needed today to finally move forward. I had made an appointment to see Shelly at four, but leading up to that moment, I was going to work through my grief.
I had filled up one of the moleskin journals that Edward had given me. I had written down our entire history from when we met until I graduated college. I was currently writing about my first years teaching and struggling with our first years of marriage. Remembering the first time we made love, it was a bitter sweet moment. We had given each other our first times and it was not everything I thought it would be.
It was clumsy. Jake was nervous and lasted only a few strokes inside of me and it hurt like crazy. My husband was a big guy. Let me just say, he was big all over. I felt like I was being torn in two when we first had sex. After a few times, I had grown accustomed to his size and Jake had started exploring my body with his fingers and mouth. After a month or so, we finally were able to make love and both enjoy it. Immensely.
Shortly before ten, my cell phone rang. I was curled up on the couch in the living room. Picking it up, I saw it was Billy. Taking a deep breath, I answered my phone. "Hello?" I replied wearily.
"How are you, Bells?" asked my father-in-law.
"Lonely. Sad. Upset. Angry," I answered. "I could tell you more, but what good would it do? How are you?"
"About the same," Billy chuckled sadly. "I prayed for Jake at dawn this morning. It was a gorgeous day today and I felt him, Bells."
"You did?"
"He's worried about you," Billy said, his voice choking slightly. "We're all worried about you. I know that this has taken its toll on you and the kids. We miss you and wish we could be there for you, John and Grace."
"I miss you all, too," I murmured. "I'm planning on flying to Phoenix during our winter break. I'm looking at flights, trying to find one that's a direct shot to Phoenix that's not astronomically expensive. How are things back at home?"
"Quiet. I've resigned from the reservation police force. There was a nasty fight and I nearly got shot. Rebecca and Rachel demanded I tender my resignation, putting me on early retirement. I'm still a tribal elder. Rachel is still single, living near Scottsdale and Rebecca, she's pregnant."
"She is?" I smiled. "When is she due? Do they know what they're having?"
"She's due in May and it's too early to tell what they're having," Billy answered. "I'm excited because I get to be a grandfather again."
"That's wonderful news, Billy. When did Rebecca tell you?"
"When I got back from praying for Jacob. She wanted to give this day of sadness a moment of happiness. I couldn't be more thrilled at her decision. I needed this. I was hoping that would be happy about their news as well," Billy said reverently. "How are things up in Forks?"
"Cold and wet," I grumbled, looking outside. It was a dreary December day. The temperatures were hovering at forty degrees. It was misting, making the roads slick and the skies murky. The weather, honestly, matched my mood. "I'm enjoying my job and my boss is amazing."
"You're teaching first grade, right?" Billy asked.
"Yeah. My kids are adorable and such amazing learners. They absorb everything I teach like a sponge," I giggled. "I've had a few rough days, but I'm working through them. In fact, I'm seeing a therapist. Her name is Shelly Cope and she's been…I have no words on how much I appreciate all she's done for me."
"Better than that woman in the hospice?" Billy spat bitterly.
"My shoe was better than that woman in the hospice," I snickered. "A friend of mine encouraged me to meet with this woman. His mother is dying of breast cancer and Shelly helped me him overcome his anger so he could relish the last few months of his mother's life."
"I'm glad, Bells," Billy said, his voice sounding relieved. "I'm happy that you're content in Forks. Being down here, it was a struggle for you. Yes, I miss you and the kids, but I'm grateful that you saw that staying here was not healthy. I love you, Bells. I always will. You're the last connection to Jacob that I have but I know that staying in Phoenix would have caused you so much pain."
"Well, at some point, you're going to have to come up and visit me," I said, arching a brow.
"After the first of the year. I promise I'll come up and spend time with you, my grandbabies and go fishing with Charlie," Billy laughed. "He's been calling me ever since he found out I resigned."
"He needs a new fishing buddy. John has proclaimed fishing to be 'icky' and won't get on the boat with my dad," I said. "Grace is in the same mindset. She hates even thinking about touching the night crawlers. I don't blame her." I shuddered, trying to keep the willies from overtaking me.
"When's your spring break, Bells?" Billy asked.
"Last week in March."
"I'll make plans to come up and visit you then," Billy said. "I must be crazy. Instead of going someplace warm, I'm going to someplace colder."
"That's because you love me. And my kids," I giggled.
"Very much, Bells. Send me an email when you get your plans finalized for Christmas," Billy said. "If you need to talk some more today, please call me. I love you and always know that Jacob is looking over you."
"Thank you, Billy," I whispered, a few tears escaping my eyes. "I love you, too, and I'm glad that you called me. Perhaps, when the kids come home from school, you can talk with them?"
"I'm looking forward to it," Billy replied and he hung up the phone. I got up and moved to the kitchen.
Today was all about saying my final goodbye to Jake. I loved him with everything that I was. But, I couldn't move forward with my life. Not with his ghost lingering in my head. Looking down at my hand, I smiled softly at the wedding rings that glistened on my finger. After today, they were going into my jewelry box and staying there until Grace or John wanted them. I wasn't going to wear them on a necklace, nor on my finger. It probably seemed fast, but it was right for me.
I made Jake's favorite breakfast, waffles with bananas foster and whipped cream. Enjoying my breakfast, I wrote in my journal, documenting the first time I'd made it for him.
December 10, 2014
It was our four year wedding anniversary, August 1st. I had wanted to make Jacob a special breakfast. I had some big news to share with him. I wanted it to be extraordinary. While he slept, I looked up the recipe for the waffles and topping. I was eager to make it for him the following morning. I woke up early, making the batter for the waffles. I pulled out the waffle maker, pouring the batter into the machine as I put the ingredients for the bananas foster in the sauce pan.
Suffice it to say, I got distracted.
Very distracted.
My very horny and lonely husband walked up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist. Without even noticing that I was cooking, he picked me up and laid me out on the island in the kitchen, stripping me bare. He licked me to orgasm and then slid inside of me, making love to me while our breakfast was burning to a crisp. It wasn't until the fire alarms went off that I remembered that I was trying to make this special meal for my husband.
The waffle maker was ruined and the sauce pan had to be pitched. But nothing was more magical than when I showed Jake the positive pregnancy test when I discovered I was pregnant with John.
Every year, on our anniversary, we'd eat those same waffles because it reminded him of the best day of his life, after our wedding day. The day he found out he was going to be a daddy.
I closed the journal and smiled softly. I couldn't make those waffles without crying. Today, though, I wasn't crying. I was at peace. Was I still sad that Jacob was gone? Yes, but I was coming to the realization that even though he died, I couldn't stop living.
After I washed my dishes, I went up to my bedroom and into the closet. I had a handful of Jake's clothes. I had donated most of them to Goodwill, but kept some for sentimental purposes. Looking over the clothing, I pulled almost all of them off their hangers and tossed them into a bag. The only things I kept were his button-down shirts since I preferred to wear those to bed along with his leather jacket, his wedding tuxedo and a pair of his jeans. I folded the remaining clothes, putting them into my dresser.
Taking the bag, I drove to Port Angeles to drop off the clothes to the Salvation Army. I was walking out when I saw Esme with a large man, presumably Emmett, Rose's husband, walking toward a huge Hummer. Esme grabbed Emmett's arm, waving at me with a smile on her tiny face. Tugging my coat around my body, I crossed the street to meet up with Esme. "Bella," she beamed, hugging me tightly. "It's nice to see you, sweetheart."
"You too, Esme," I replied, looking at her and appraising her appearance. She didn't look as gaunt as before and her skin was flushed. "Out Christmas shopping?"
"Yes. I was having a good day and Emmett was off today. We decided on having a date," Esme said. "Emmett, have you met Bella Black?"
"Not in person, but I feel as though I know you from the conversations I've had with my beautiful wife or the constant chatter from my little brother," he smirked, dimples pitting in his cheeks. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Bella."
"Are you shopping?" Esme asked me, eyeing me curiously.
"Actually, no. Today is the anniversary of my husband's death," I said quietly. "I'm using it to try and move on from his death."
"I'm so sorry," Esme frowned. "I can't imagine what you're feeling today."
"I would have expected something different," I shrugged. "A year ago, my husband took his last breath, but I'm surprisingly at peace with what happened. Well, today, I'm at peace. Tomorrow, who knows?"
"Would you like to join us for lunch?" Esme asked, linking her arm with me.
"I wouldn't want to impose on your date with Emmett," I quipped, giving him a wink.
"Nonsense. Emmett won't mind, will he?" Esme asked, giving her oldest son a smile.
"Having lunch with two lovely women? Hell no!" Emmett bellowed, gesturing toward an Italian restaurant. "I'll be the envy of all the guys in there."
"You're a charmer, Emmett, but mind your language," Esme chided gently as we walked passed him to the restaurant, Bella Italia. Emmett blushed and he looked embarrassed that his mother called him on his language. We were seated right away, ordering some drinks and an appetizer to share. "I haven't seen you at Blow Out, Bella."
"I've been busy. I am due for a new manicure," I grimaced, looking at my remnants of the no-chip manicure "Plus, I had some pretty rough days. Getting a manicure and spoiling myself didn't seem right."
"Are things better now?" Emmett asked, sipping his coke.
"As good as they can be considering I'm starting new, trying to move on from the death of my husband. I just have days where getting up are a challenge. Talking to a counselor has helped," I shrugged.
"Shelly?" Esme asked, her green eyes twinkling. I nodded. "She's done wonders for our family. All of us have spoken to her at some point. The only people who see her regularly are my husband, Carlisle and Edward."
"Edward was the one who gave me her name," I murmured, thinking about her handsome middle child. Esme's grin was secretive and she nearly bounced out of the booth. I arched a brow at her. "Why are you so giddy?"
"No reason," she answered, taking a healthy swig of her water.
"Mom, you're as transparent as that glass of water," Emmett snickered. Esme rolled her eyes, smacking his arm. "She's excited that Edward is doing something other than renovations to his house or working. He won't shut up about you."
"You be quiet, Emmett McCarty Cullen!" Esme screeched.
"What? I've never seen my brother as twitterpated…" Emmett trailed off as Esme covered his mouth with her hand. I giggled at their antics. Apparently, Edward had divulged something revolving me and I wasn't supposed to know. Not yet.
"Bella, why don't you tell us about your children?" Esme suggested, giving Emmett a withering glare. Emmett shrugged as I began telling them about my two little angels. The only time I stopped talking was to order my meal, mushroom ravioli. Esme had a wistful expression in her eyes as I told both her and Emmett about my kids. I found myself dominating the conversation and I felt guilty. Pushing my food away, I abruptly stopped. "Bella?"
"I'm sorry about prattling on about my children."
"Sweetheart, I wanted hear about them," Esme grinned. "John and Grace seem like such sweet kids."
"They are. I'm so proud of them," I murmured. "Would you like to see a picture?"
Esme smiled eagerly. I pulled out their photos from school, passing them to her. "John is so handsome and that smile! It lights up his whole face," she cooed. "Grace is absolutely gorgeous. Her skin is such a rich color and I'm envious of her hair." Esme patted her purple scarf. "I used to have such pretty hair. Same color as Edward's. They don't make wigs that color. The closest color I found was a garish red color. No thank you. The scarves are nicer and I can coordinate them with my outfits."
"When Mom was diagnosed the second time, we all shaved our heads in solidarity," Emmett snickered. "Rosalie, she actually donated her hair to Locks of Love. Mom couldn't even fathom the thought of Rose losing all of her hair."
"I suggested her donation. She donated fifteen inches of her hair, getting it styled into this adorable little bob," Esme explained, finishing her salad.
"We also teased Edward for having a lumpy head," Emmett laughed.
"Your brother had a lumpy head because your father dropped him," Esme retorted, smirking slightly. "And don't think that you're perfect either, Emmett Cullen. You've got your own flaws. Rose reminds daily of your inability to close the door while you take a dump."
"Oh, ewww," I wailed, wrinkling my nose.
"Ma!" Emmett boomed, covering his reddening face with his hands.
"I have secrets on all of my boys. Edward used to bite his toenails when he was a kid," Esme giggled. "He tried again when he was in college, but he wasn't nearly as limber. He broke his pinky toe trying to jam his foot into his mouth."
"That's an image that…" I laughed, tears falling down my cheeks. "Wow!"
"I could also show Bella those adorable naked bathtub photos with you and your brother," Esme quipped.
"Where's the damn waitress so I can ask for the damn check?" Emmett grumbled, his face bright pink. Almost, as if she was beckoned, she brought the folder. Emmett put his credit card in the folder, handing it back to her.
"You should come over to the house," Esme continued, unfazed by Emmett's embarrassment.
"Not today, Esme. I think it should be fair that Edward be in attendance so he can at least defend his bad fashion choices and questionable bath partners," I said, smiling at her.
"It's a date!" Esme responded gleefully. Emmett signed for our meals.
"Thank you for lunch," I said, giving Emmett an appreciative grin.
"My pleasure," Emmett replied, nodding. "I'm glad my gross bathroom habits made you laugh. Thanks, Mom, for literally and figuratively airing out my dirty laundry."
"It's what mothers do best, Emmett," Esme smirked. "Isn't that right, Bella?"
"It is true, even when don't mean it," I shrugged. We got up, put on our coats. "If I don't see you, I hope you and your family have a nice Christmas."
"Are you coming to Blow Out on Saturday?" Esme asked, arching a brow. Her eyes twinkled like Alice's did when she imparted her will over me.
"I'm guessing you won't take no for an answer," I replied.
"Smart woman. I'll see you Saturday," she beamed, hugging me tightly. Emmett gave me a half hug before offering an arm to his mom. They shuffled toward the Hummer while I darted back to my Honda Pilot. I watched as Emmett's car pulled away and I smiled softly. For the hour I spent with them, it felt amazing to laugh and just be. Unfortunately, as I drove closer and closer to my home, the hollowness that I expected from this day soon took hold in my heart.
Parking my car, I let the tears, which came out of nowhere, fall freely on my face. I was downright hysterical when I heard a quiet knock on my window. Wiping my cheeks, I looked up and saw a sopping wet Edward standing outside of my car. I unlocked my door, nodding to the passenger seat. Edward jogged around and he got into the car. "Are you okay?" he asked, removing his hat.
"It just hit me. All of a sudden, I couldn't stop crying," I sniffled. "I was in Port Angeles, having lunch with your mom and brother, but as I was driving home…"
"I'm sorry," Edward said, gripping my hand.
"At least I pulled over," I quipped sadly.
"Do you want to talk? I haven't taken my lunch," Edward said.
"I'm just overwhelmingly sad. I'll be fine and besides, I'm going to see Shelly today at four," I said, looking at the clock. "I just felt hollow. Empty. When I woke up this morning, I was at peace. Now? I'm a mess."
"You're entitled. Especially today," Edward said, tucking a rogue hair from my ponytail. When his fingers lightly touched my cheek, the pain in my chest eased slightly. I leaned against his hand, a few tears falling out of my eyes. Edward cupped my cheek. "It's okay, Bella."
No, it's not. On top of the emptiness, I'm now feeling guilty for experiencing some sort of comfort from his touch. "I wish I could feel normal again," I whispered. "I was fine at lunch and when I was at home, but out of the blue? This fucking sucks."
"What are you feeling?" Edward asked, taking my hand in his.
"Empty. Hollow. Guilt," I answered simply.
"Am I the reason for your guilt?" he questioned.
"Yeah. When you're around and being all sweet, the pain goes away," I shrugged. "I don't feel as empty. I'm trying to move on, but…"
"I get it, Bella," Edward chuckled, squeezing my fingers. He released my hand and my heart stammered. I started to hyperventilate, feeling the emptiness wash over me. "Oh, shit!" Edward got out of the car and my hysterics grew. He pulled open my door and enfolded me in his arms. Carefully, he led us into the backseat of my Pilot and held me tightly as I sobbed brokenly against his jacket. He didn't say anything, he just held me. Gently, he rocked me and he pressed his cheek to my head. When I calmed down, I heard a deep baritone hum and it was very soothing. Snuggling against his chest, I let out a shaky breath. He tightened his arms around me and pressed a soft kiss to my temple. "Better?"
"A little," I whispered. "I'm sorry for being a basket case."
"Bella, you're entitled to be a basket case," Edward said. "I'm happy to be here for you as a friend. I hate seeing you cry, though."
"I hate crying," I snorted humorlessly. "This past year I've done nothing but cry, rage and complain. I want to move past it. I have to. This isn't healthy."
"Not grieving isn't healthy either. Bella, you have every right in the world to feel this upset, to be pissed off at the universe," Edward said quietly. "The most frustrating part is that you don't know when it will hit you. How you'll react. Why you feel this way when moments earlier you were laughing or smiling."
"Or your uncanny ability to talk me off the ledge," I said, pulling back to look at him.
"It's a gift," he said, grinning crookedly. "It's almost four. How about I follow you to Shelly's office?"
"Are you going to walk me into her suite?" I teased.
"No. I just want to make sure you're okay. Humor me, Bella," he deadpanned. I nodded but made no move to get out of his embrace. It felt so right. So nice. He smelled so good, like rain, a touch of cologne and a hint of pine. "Sweetness, as nice as it to sit and cuddle in the backseat of your car, it's not very safe and I should, technically, give you a citation for parking illegally along the highway."
"Shouldn't you cite yourself since you're also parked here?" I asked, moving away from his warm body.
"Touché," he said, arching a brow. "I won't say anything if you won't."
"I think we have a deal, Deputy," I said, looking out the window. What started as a light mist early this morning was now a torrential downpour. "Does it ever stop? I mean, this is ridiculous!"
"It could be worse. It could be snow," Edward retorted. I shuddered, hopping out of the backseat and scrambling to the front. Edward snickered as he slid across the bench. He put his hat back on, hunching his shoulders as he stood out in the rain. "I'll follow you to Shelly's and then I'm going to call you tonight, Bella. Is that alright?"
"Yeah. Thank you for just being awesome, Edward. You have no idea what it means to me that you are willing to be my friend," I blushed.
"I know," he smiled. "Drive safely, Sweetness. Please?" I blushed again at his nickname for me, nodding shyly. He turned on his heel, walking back to his squad car. I pulled onto the highway and watched in my rear-view mirror that Edward was following me. I drove like a little old lady since the roads were slick and I could barely see out of my windshield. Somehow, I managed to get to Shelly's building and parked the car. Edward parked the squad next to me, rushing over to my door and helping me out, holding an umbrella over both of us.
"This is really sweet, Edward," I murmured as he walked us to the doorway. "Unnecessary, but sweet."
"I want to make sure you're okay, Bella," he said, holding my hand momentarily. "I'll call you when I'm off shift. I should be done after eight. Okay?"
"Thank you again," I smiled, kissing his cheek. It was his turn to blush as I slipped inside of the doorway and scurried to Shelly's suite. I sat in the waiting area for only a few moments when Shelly called me back. She had a twinkle in her blue eyes as she sat down on her leather chair. "Don't you start, too."
"I wasn't going to say anything," she snickered. "Just that Edward Cullen is a good man and you could do a lot worse."
"Can we not play the dating game?" I snorted. "We're friends. Friends! He's concerned and I was having a moment on the side of the 101."
"Most cops would not have followed you and he probably checked on you, personally," she said.
"That's neither here nor there. Can we please talk about something else besides Edward? Perhaps, I don't know, the anniversary of my husband's death?" I snapped. Shelly arched a brow. "Shit, sorry."
"It's okay, Bella. Your emotions will be all over the place today. That's expected," Shelly said gently. "How was it today?"
"I woke up and I was down, but no more than usual. I saw my kids off to school and then ate some breakfast. After that, I cleaned out the closet and delivered some of Jacob's clothes to the Salvation Army in Port Angeles. It wasn't until I left Port Angeles that I lost it, completely. I felt empty and helpless. I didn't even notice Edward's squad car pull up behind me. He was knocking on my window when I was in hysterics. Then, I grew more upset because I was grateful that he was there."
"The guilt again?" Shelly asked. I nodded. "Bella, I know that you're struggling with the guilt of living, but you have to realize that you will probably have to deal with that for the rest of your life. Eventually, it will fade away in the background, but you can't let it eat at you. What are you feeling guilty about?"
"The feelings that I have for Edward," I muttered. "More so than I should."
"Why does that make you feel guilty?" Shelly pressed.
"Because he's not Jake," I sighed, leaning forward and tugging on my ponytail. "I'm attracted to Edward. He's a gorgeous man, but he's not my husband. I feel like I'm using Edward for something that I can't give in return."
"What's that?"
"Comfort."
"So, being with Edward makes you feel comfortable?" Shelly asked.
"No, he provides me with comfort. While I'm with him, the emptiness goes away. I don't feel so alone. I don't feel lost," I muttered, curling up on the couch. "Does that make me a bad person?"
"No, Bella. You are not a bad person. You are in need of someone who can make you feel protected, safe and comforted. You're finding that in Edward. You're not using him, per se. He's willingly giving you want you desire and right now that's being a shoulder to cry on," Shelly said. "Should you feel guilt over it? No. It's like accepting comfort from a parent or a friend. It's just that Edward's a man."
"A handsome man," I snorted derisively.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Shelly tittered. "Edward is incredibly attractive and what makes him more appealing is that he has a good heart. Not many people would give up their lives to move closer to their families in times of crisis. He gave up his career, his home, his relationship, all of it, to be move to Forks when Esme was diagnosed with cancer a second time."
"But what would he want to do with me?" I asked bitterly. "I'm a lonely widow with two children and a broken heart. I am, for all intents and purposes, used goods."
"You're not used," Shelly chided. "Bella, I know today was going to be rough, but you have to realize that you are more than just a label. You're not just a 'widow.' Neither am I. I wear many different hats, as do you. Now, I want to use the rest of our time together to process the final moments with Jacob. It will be tough, but in the long run, if you are able to not dwell on the sadness of the moment, but of the ability to remember that he was able to talk to you, say that he loved you, you will be in a better place. Okay?"
I nodded and we talked about Jacob's final days on earth. It was harder than I anticipated. I never realized how much I pushed back and ignored as I spoke with her. I had been so strong for my family, my children, that I never gave myself an opportunity to truly grieve. Yes, the month following Jacob's death was a blur, but I was in shock. I wasn't grieving. I was trying to make sense of Jacob's business and selling off his share to Billy. I was working to get Jacob's life insurance policy squared away, placing a majority of the money into a trust for my children. I was trying to remember to shower and be there for my kids, but most of the time acting like a ghost.
"Bella, you probably know that there are seven different stages of grief, right?" she asked.
"Yeah," I answered, arching a brow.
"They are shock and denial. That was probably what you were experiencing that first month. After that, you moved to pain and guilt. For the most part, you're working past that, just dealing with the guilt piece. Having Edward in your life is exacerbating the guilt, but I think that in the long run, he'll be helpful for you. You're also experiencing the third stage, anger and bargaining. That's the unexplained emotions and feeling of helplessness, which brings us to the fourth stage: depression, reflection and loneliness. You're hovering within those three stages. The good news is that you're on the way out of your grief," Shelly smiled.
"The bad news?"
"I have no idea how much longer you will be in this grief limbo. That's up to you and your mind," she said. "You've got a strong network of friends and family here in Forks. Rely on them and don't push them away. They all love you and want you to be happy."
"Will I ever be happy?" I asked.
"I know it seems unlikely, but you will," Shelly smiled, taking my hand. "I was in the same boat as you and I felt the same way, Bella. We all grieve in our own way and if that way, for you, is to rely on a handsome, caring and good-hearted cop, than go for it. Trust me when I say that he doesn't feel used. Edward feels wanted when you call him and like he has a purpose," Shelly said. "But, you didn't hear that from me."
"Should I buy you a pair of Cupid's wings?" I asked, rolling my eyes.
"No, but when you two get married, invite me to the wedding," Shelly giggled.
"Unlikely, Shelly," I snorted.
"I vowed to my dead husband that I wouldn't be with another man for as long as I stayed on this earth. Ralph Banner wore me down and hmmm, I haven't regretted it since," she said, giving me a sly grin.
"Yeah, that man, he's my boss. I have to see him tomorrow. Ewww!" I laughed.
"I'm just saying that a vibrator is not what a woman needs. I crave cuddling after…"
"I'm going," I barked, hopping up. "You've sufficiently scarred me for life, Shelly. Thank you."
"At least you're laughing," she smiled. We walked out front. I paid for my session and scheduled my next appointment. With a hug, I left the office and got into my car. I drove to pick up my kids from my parent's house. We ate dinner together. John prattled on about the second grade music program coming up in a week while Grace was quiet, sitting on Charlie's lap as she picked at her food.
After dinner, I drove back to the house and called up Billy. He spent a half hour talking to the kids, asking how they were doing. I used the time to make their lunches and just pick up around the house. Grace was a little better after she talked to Poppy, but she was still very clingy. We did baths, bed and prayers, cuddling on John's bed to read a story together. They fell asleep within moments of my reading and I slipped out of John's room after I covered them up with a blanket.
I went up to my bedroom, going to shower. I stripped out of my black clothing and stepped underneath the hot spray. I cried quietly, missing my husband. I stayed in the shower until the water cooled and I heard the phone ringing in my bedroom. Finishing up, I dried myself off, slathered on some lotion and put on one of Jake's button down shirts along with a pair of flannel pajama bottoms. Sliding off my rings, I kissed them softly before placing them in the jewelry box. "Jake, I'll always love you, but I have to move forward," I murmured. "I hope you forgive me."
I looked at my bed, shaking my head at all of the changes that I had made today. Sleeping in the bed was not going to be one of them. After the first of the year. I'll try then…
Checking on my children one last time, I kissed them both before turning on the baby monitor and going downstairs in the basement. I carried my cell phone, holding it like a talisman. It beeped, indicating I had a new message. Curling up on my bed/couch in the basement, I listened to my voicemail.
"Hi, Bella. It's Edward. I wanted to call to see how you were doing and, um, to see if you wanted to meet up to go grocery shopping on Saturday? I hope that you're alright. I've been thinking about you all day today and…if you want, please call me. If not, sleep well, sweetness," he said, his voice sounding unsure. "Bye."
Biting my lip, I dialed Edward's number. I was willingly calling him. I wanted to talk to him. The phone rang a few times before he picked up. "Hello?" his voice rasped.
"You okay, Edward?" I asked.
"Sorry, I was taking out the trash when the phone rang. I sprinted back inside to answer the phone. Stubbed my toe in the process," he grumbled. I bit my lip, imagining him trying to put his toe into his mouth like Esme described. I giggled. "Why are you laughing?"
"No reason," I snickered.
"Bella," he chided. "Are you laughing at my pain? My toe is multicolored thanks to my less-than-graceful display of athletic ability."
"Sorry," I said, sobering. "I wanted to thank you again for being there on the highway."
"Not a problem, Bella," he said quietly. "I spoke with your dad briefly yesterday and he said that today was going to be rough, but I already knew that from our conversations. Seeing your car on the side of the road obviously made me worry, but I'm glad that I was able to help, even for a little bit."
"I still appreciate it," I said, wrapping the blanket around my shoulders.
"So, did you get my message? I am in desperate need of a grocery run," Edward chuckled. "I'm living off Lean Cuisines and beer."
"Healthy, Cullen," I quipped.
"I've been working like a maniac. One of the guys on the Port Angeles department broke his leg in a domestic dispute. Charlie offered some help and we've been rotating there. Plus, there's been some more drug related robberies. I've been pulling some crazy hours," Edward explained.
"How do you know that the robberies are drug related?" I asked.
"Money was taken along with over the counter pharmaceuticals and prescription medications," Edward described. "If it continues to escalate, we may have to contact the county for back up."
"You could help, though, right? With your background in the bureau?" I questioned. "Hell, you could probably handle it all with your eyes closed."
"Probably, but these kids, they have to be answering to someone. We just need to find out who," Edward said. "We have yet to capture a suspect that is lucid enough to actually spill the beans on anything. They're all to hyped up on whatever they're taking. And when they crash, it's like talking to a brick wall or they've lawyered up. Our hands are tied until we get someone/ who is loose-lipped."
"I'm sorry," I frowned.
"It's not your fault. But thanks for listening," he chuckled. "So, groceries?"
"I'm supposed to go to Blow Out on Saturday. Your mom was giving me grief about not being there," I said, rolling my eyes. "How about we go grocery shopping after I'm done at Blow Out and then you can come over, meet my kids and have your first cooking lesson?"
"I get to meet John and Grace?" he asked, clearly shocked at my suggestion.
"We're friends. I want them to meet you," I said simply, though my heart was stammering. Was I making the right choice? Would my kids feel like I was trying to replace their father?
"It's a date, Bella," Edward said, the smile clear in his voice.
Dear God, what have I done?
A/N: I soooooooooo apologize on being so late with this update. Writer's block kicked ever-loving arse along with ZERO time to write. o.O Damn it. I'm still struggling with writer's block but thankfully, my brain decided to work today and not block out my mojo. Woo hoo! This was shorter than I had hoped, but it seemed to work. We'll see.
No pictures with this one except for a pic of Shelly. She's the awesome Betty White. I love her. I want to be Betty White when I grow up. She's wicked awesome. You can check out the pic on my tumblr, blog and Facebook page. Links for all of those are on my profile. You can also find me on twitter: tufano79 or on Facebook: Tufano79's Twilight Fanfiction Appreciation.
We're going to switch to Edward next chapter and see what he's thinking. I love writing EPOV. He's so awesome and so sweet. Leave me some lovin!
