Yikes it's been ages since I've updated. A mix of second semester and extreme writer's block, I promise that I will update again soon. Thank you so much to all the commenters it has helped a lot.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters.
Chapter 8
There he was, standing there; looking just the same as the last time Connor had seen him, minus two holes on the side of his neck. And Connor stood and stared unable to move or breathe. Angel however was completely awake. He had taken a step towards Holtz and was eyeing him up and down and as he caught his sent he knew, it was really him and he was really alive.
"Holtz" Angel growled through clenched teeth. "Why are you here?"
"Well to see my boy of course." He said matter-of-factly as he started to take a few steps towards the still frozen Connor.
Angel took a quick step towards Holtz "Don't you dare get near him."
"Don't you think a boy aught to be able to see his father? Come now Angelus it's been a long time and I'd like to speak to my Son."
As Holtz took another step forward he produced a crossbow and aimed it directly at Angel's heart but in that moment Angel picked up an axe that had been lying on the center couch and took another step towards Holtz.
"Over my dead body"
"You know" said Holtz "I was hoping you'd say that"
Holtz shot his crossbow as Angel lunged forward but the arrow didn't make it to Angel because at that moment Connor had finally woken up. He had run in between the two with remarkable speed and snatched the arrow out of the air before blocking Angel's attack with his staff.
"There's my boy" said Holtz as a smile spread slowly across his face
"Connor, you can't trust him. Out of my way" Angel said in a dangerously low voice while staring at his son
"No" Connor said simply
"Connor this man is responsible for taking you" Said Angel his voice beginning to raise into a yell
"I know"
"This man is the reason you grew up in Quar'toth"
"I know"
"This man lied to you, he made you believe I murdered him, he wanted you to destroy me no matter what it cost you, you can't trust him, why are you protecting him?"
"He's my father!" Connor yelled back without thinking. The moment the words had left his mouth he regretted them. But he also knew somehow that they were the truth.
Angel's arms had gone lax. The axe had fallen to his side and on his face was a look that could hardly be described, it wasn't sadness or anger, disappointment or hurt, perhaps it was everything and nothing but at that moment Angel's heart broke for Connor. He realized how lost his son really still was. He realized that no matter what he did for him he might never be able to escape from his past, his son had become so much like himself and that was something that he could hardly bare. All those times two years ago when he had used "tough love" hoping that he could somehow force Connor to move on, only to have ended up deeper in it. He erased his memory and gave him a new life and still his past found him and every time Angel thought that he might have been able to help his son to find some peace he realized that he may never succeed.
Connor swallowed hard and lifted his heavy eyelids to look up at Angel and then slowly towards Holtz. He took a step towards him staring at him with a mixture of disbelief, suspicion, recognition and despite himself the smallest trace of happiness.
"It's me, my son." Said Holtz almost at a whisper
"I…I know" Connor said
"You're Father is back at last….Connor, is it now?" Said Holtz taking a step towards Connor. The last statement caused Connor to break eye contact with Holtz as if he was ashamed of having adopted this name, as if he should be ashamed, as if he should have been more loyal to Holtz.
"You're not his father" Said Angel through gritted teeth
"Only the man who raised him"
"After stealing him and dragging him into hell with youl" Angel said moving slowly towards Holtz again
"Where I kept him alive" Holtz replied matching Angel's slight advances
"Yes, you made him "The Destroyer""
"Where as you've made him…what exactly?"
"You made him a murderer"
"And you made him suicidal…I think round one goes to me."
"Wait" Said Connor suddenly alert again "How…how did you know that."
"I can explain all of that to you my boy. Why don't we go for a walk..." a smile crossed Holtz face as his eyes left Connor momentarily and caught Angel's "outside and-"
"No way are you taking him anywhere" Angel barked
"that you cannot follow?"
"Just give me a reason" Angel said dangerously
Connor stood between the two men torn. His inner turmoil had never been so aptly and literally displayed for the world to see. "Maybe I should…" Connor started facing Angel cut in keeping his eyes on Holtz
"No. This is not a good idea, I'm not letting you go anywhere with him"
"Let me?" Connor said almost as a reflex, he had not meant to challenge his Angel in such a way, and certainly not in the current situation. This was noted by both Angel and Holtz. Angel with a slight frown and Holtz with a broadening smile "I…I just mean…" Connor fumbled with his words finally drawing the eyes of both men. He could feel their eyes studying him and he racked his mind for the right words. Holtz realized that his boy was searching for the words that would hurt the beast the least with a bit of disgust but that had all been expected. "…I want to know what is going on, the truth." he said pointedly, a comment directed at both men in the room "If he's willing to tell me, why not…" Connor ended a little weakly looking over at Angel
"I don't know about this Connor" Angel said clearly losing his ground a little
"I do" Said Connor his voice strong again "At least I know I need to"
Angel looked at Connor and knew he had no choice. Their eyes met as he let the "Alright" slip from hi lips. He knew Connor wanted and needed answers and he knew he couldn't try to stop him from getting them without losing his son. But he feared all the lies that Holtz might again infect his son with. No matter how far they had come and how much Connor knew of Holtz's lies he had been the only family he'd know for 16 years and he obviously still had some sort of control over Connor.
Connor looked away from Angel and towards Holtz. "Alright lets go" His voice was cool but Angel could sense the nervousness that was coursing through his son's body as he watched him turn dropping the staff and walk to Holtz then as the two of them continued out of the hotel into the sunlight, a horrid reminder of just how many things he could never offer his son.
He stood frozen staring at the hotel doors long after Connor and Holtz were out of sight and didn't flinch even after Spike entered the hotel from the sewer entrance behind him followed by Gunn and Illyria. They were carrying weapons and were chatting about a case they had just taken care of, Narler infestation. Gunn was reenacting one of Spike's more amazing moves when they all fell silent confused by Angel stationary stance. They walked up to Angel, Spike directly to his right; he looked at Angel then at the door. Then he cleared his throat and said "So, uh...did something happen when while we were out?"
It took the three a bit to break through to Angel but once they had it only took him a few moments to summarize the events that had taken place. Gunn sat silently staring at the floor, Illyria with Fred's memories weighing her down had replaced her normal vacant look with one of displeasure and hostility and Spike was incredulous.
"And you just let the little nip walk right on out?" Spike said exasperatedly
"I didn't have a choice" Said Angel in a low voice
"Other than to say no"
"Spike, I couldn't do that…Connor, he…he needs answers"
"Then let him have them, in your presence, under your supervision, with Holtz completely aware of you ability and lack of moral quandaries with ending his life in an incredibly painful way."
"It's not that simple…he's not a child"
"Oh, to hell with that" Spike said clearly annoyed with Angel. He looked at him for a moment and then continued in a softer tone "Listen Angel, I know I haven't known Junior long and his story is a little knew to me, but whether or not he is 18 means nothing. He was raised by a lunatic in hell for most of his life. He has been in this world for less than three years and most of the time he has spent here has been filled with lies and confusion. He fathered an evil goddess who almost ended the world and who he ultimately had to kill, he was sent to live with a foster family, who were eventually killed, with new memories until he got his old ones back….thinking that he is completely capable of clear thinking and making these big decisions all on his own might be a little naive." Spike paused and looked at Angel "But…that's just me"
Angel was struggling with himself. He didn't know what was right. Connor would have resented it if he had tried to stop him from seeing Holtz….but wasn't that part of being a parent? Doing what was right for your child even when they didn't like it.
"Umm" Gunn said apparently finally breaking from his trace and raising his hand to speak as he looked up at Angel "I have a question. How is Holtz alive?"
Angel stared at Gunn shocked. He couldn't believe that, that was not the first topic discussed. He had been so distracted and hurt by Connor choosing to leave with Holtz that he had forgotten to ask how Holtz had managed to get back to earth to even to be able to ask Connor for a little heart-to-heart.
"Charlie has got a point. That is some seriously powerful dark mojo to be able to raise the dead not all you know" Said spike raising his arms out in front of him "zombied"
"Who would be powerful enough to work something like that?" Gunn asked
"And has a great enough interest in Holtz" Added Angel
"And Connor and yourself, you can't believe that whoever is behind this doesn't have either you or Connor or both as an intended target." Said spike
"We need answers" Said Angel suddenly a bit panicked
"Right, Illyria and I will go out and hit up some of our connections. You and Spike stay here and hit the books. Call if you find anything, we'll do the same." Said Gunn picking up on Angel's tone and taking charge, he moved to door Illyria assuming Fred's shape, which they had all decided was disturbing but necessary for daytime mobility.
……………….
Connor and Holtz walked side by side on the sidewalks of L.A. Connor could hear his heart pounding in his ears, he could feel Holtz sort of sauntering down the sidewalk soaking in the mid-day sun in a relaxed enjoyment that was fairly foreign to the old man, at least what Connor knew of him.
Connor cleared his throat and said "Where were you?" at a look from Holtz he added "exactly"
Holtz surveyed Connor, the boy had grown. He was a bit taller and physically he looked stronger. However, from his demeanor he could tell that his boy was lost. He was weaker in almost everyway possible, conflicted by emotions and confused the gray areas that he was sure Angel had insisted occupied this world.
"You mean, was I in hell?" Holtz asked Connor and watched as he looked down embarrassed by what he had clearly assumed, another sign of weakness, but also of submission to Holtz. "No"
Connor looked up at this clearly surprised "Then you were-"
"No, I wasn't in heaven either" Holtz admitted with a bit of a sigh. He noticed Connor shift uneasily "I did commit sins in my time here, it's true, but my devotion never wavered, I believe that is why God spared me the wrath of hell but denied me the grace of heaven. I'm not sure where I was exactly, some sort of purgatory, a void." He paused for a moment to survey Connor as he attempted to make his expression neutral. "Then a man came to me, he knew my name and about my life. He told me about what had happened to you since I left. He told me that my boy needed me, that this world, that Angelus had weakened him from the inside out and that he would be unprepared for the coming storm." Connor was silent after this announcement, he didn't know what to say, whether to argue or not. He was torn especially because some part of his knew this was true. "He said he could return me to earth to help my boy remember who he was-"
"The Destroyer" Connor interrupted quietly disheartened
"A pure fighter, a warrior for good, one that does not compromise, one that does God's will and smites the wicked."
"But you said yourself that you were not pure enough to be admitted into heaven by God's grace. Who are we to judge the wicked" Connor said feeling his mind become clouded with conflicting thoughts and ideologies.
"Yes, I was denied heaven. But I was never evil. Evil is what we much war against, evil will be damned to hell."
"As I am"
"No my boy." Said Holtz sharply stopping at turning to look Connor in the eyes "You are a miracle conception out of darkness. This does not mean that you are destined to be in darkness, to create darkness. You have within you the power to do great good, to do God's will here on earth." Holtz had cupped his Son's face in his hand and Connor felt warmth radiate through him at this oh so familiar demonstration of affectionate. Connor could not deny that he had missed that in the deepest darkest corner of his heart everyday since…
Connor shrugged off Holtz's hand and looked into his eyes hard, anger and grief welling up inside him despite his best efforts to remain cool "Why did you kill yourself"
"I never-"
"Well as good as" Connor said angrily as he looked down starting to walk again uncomfortable standing still
Holtz fell in stride with Connor "I failed you." He said softly "my lust for vengeance overwhelmed my senses."
"You turned me against him."
"I turned you against the beast that killed my family"
"He…he isn't that man anymore"
"He isn't a man at all" There was a long pause after Holtz said this.
"I know that…but he's…he's been here for me."
"When? In between throwing you out of his home into a world that you were a complete stranger to and memory mortifications."
Connor didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to defend Angel especially when the arguments he was making Connor had been making since he had found himself in this world. "He cares about me." Connor mumbled
"Yes" Said Holtz "perhaps he does, but even still he is making you weak. He has convinced you that the guilty deserve forgiveness, that forgiveness leaves you vulnerable."
"He forgave me."
"For something that did not need forgiveness"
"I betrayed his trust"
"And he has betrayed yours countless times" Holtz said then recollected and spoke again in a soft voice "My boy, I left you in a shameful way. I am sorry for the suffering and confusion that I have caused you. But I'm back and I'm going to help you to remember who you are, to remember your strength."
Connor didn't respond at first. It seemed as if every time he found some clarity life was intent on destroying it. Finally he spoke, slowly, choosing his words carefully "I'm living with him now. But you knew that. You can't harm him, and he won't harm you. We should get back. He'll be…worried. I just..I need some time to think."
"Yes, my boy. In time you will remember who you truly are." Holtz said softly
The sun was setting now and they turned the corner onto the Hotel block. Connor didn't hear Holtz's last comment, he was too lost in thought. He was torn between loyalties again. Connor's stomach was churning and he was nervous the last time he felt this way he had made a terrible mistake.
