Open Season
Author's Note: This chapter references several of my other stories, especially Thick as Thieves. I would suggest reading that in particular before continuing with this chapter. Ü
Chapter 8: How Far We've Run
Mikan laid a hand on his chest then pushed him back so that they were at arm's length of each other. She gave him a look of comical disbelief. "You what?"
"I love you," Natsume repeated.
"You love me."
"With all my heart."
She stared at him darkly. "Stop that."
"It shouldn't have taken me this long to tell you," he went on earnestly. In response, Mikan pulled back then started walking away. He hurried after her. "Where are you going?"
"We're not having this conversation right now."
Natsume grabbed her wrist. "Why?"
"Because you're in that mood."
"What mood?"
"The one where you turn on the charm!" she said in annoyance. "You're going to act sweet and romantic and I wouldn't stand a chance."
"When have I ever done that?"
"You do it all the time Natsume!" Mikan cried. "It's the reason I haven't killed you."
Natsume bit back a laugh then shook his head. "Did you hear what I said?"
"Yes, yes, you love me," she said impatiently. "You learn I don't care about you and this is what you do?"
"Would you have told me sooner if you knew? Wait… so you don't care about me?"
"That's beside the point."
"That is the point," he said. "You should know that I— hang on."
Mikan heard voices coming from around the corner. Before she could react, Natsume pulled her into the nearest stairwell. He kept the door slightly open and peered outside. She tapped her foot, waiting for him to stop being so neurotic.
"Are you hiding from your fan girls?"
"It's a habit I developed, thanks to you," he returned. She stuck out her tongue. Natsume let the door close then turned to her. "You haven't given me a proper reply."
"It's hard to do that when you're ducking into stairwells."
"Try now."
Mikan opened her lips to retort but found that she couldn't. She was suddenly very aware that there was nowhere to go. Natsume hadn't released her hand since he grabbed it minutes ago. It looked like he wasn't going to let her leave without getting his answer. She pulled away and he let go.
When Mikan thought about this moment, she had always imagined it under far more romantic circumstances. After all the waiting and guessing, she figured she deserved that much. Still, the way Natsume was staring at her told her this was it. They were going to talk and it didn't matter where they were or how things ended up after this.
Now or never.
"Do you want a girlfriend?" she asked at last.
"I want you."
Mikan stamped her foot. "Stop trying to get around me. Just be honest."
"I am being honest. I don't want a girlfriend." He breathed out. "But I do want you."
"How the heck is that going to work?"
"I'm okay with this." Natsume stepped closer to her then gestured between them. "I'm perfectly okay with what we have right now, and the thought that you might want more scares the shit out of me. So you should know that I've been scared for a while now."
"You're scared?"
"Yeah."
"Of what?"
"That I'll fail at this," he said bluntly, "That I'll do something to send you out the door."
"Do you think that little of my feelings?"
"I think that little of me," Natsume retorted. Mikan crossed her arms over her chest. "Do you believe what I'm telling you?"
"Yes," she said and he seemed to breathe easier. "But it sucks."
"I know."
"So what do you need? What's going to make you braver?"
Natsume swallowed to get past the lump in his throat. It shouldn't be so hard to say this. "I could stop running, but I need you to hold on to me, tougher than what I'm used to, as though you'll shoot me if I try to escape. Just stop letting me go."
"Let go?" Mikan repeated. "We've danced around this for years and you think I want to let you go?"
"I didn't say I haven't given you a reason."
"So you do know what you've been doing all this time?"
"This is how I am, Mikan," he said. "I break dates. I say awful things. I mess up and I get jealous very easily. Not because I don't trust you, but because I don't trust the guy you're with. I hate talking about how I feel and that's not going to change just because I'm in love with you. As far as I know, I've been with you for years and I've never been able to let you go."
Mikan bit the inside of her cheek. It was just like Natsume to bowl her over with a speech like that when she wanted to be mad at him. She knew he was being honest with her and was putting everything on the line, but then she also knew that what he said was a summary of what was wrong with them. They were afraid of hurting each other when they got together because that was exactly what they did all the time— without meaning to, without effort, without a second thought. It was a game, right? It was a game that wore them both out.
"Say something."
"Give me a minute. I could hardly think," Mikan murmured. That was entirely true but it was also unfair, because he just said he loved her and the longer she hesitated, the more reason she gave him to walk away. That scared her too, damn it.
Then Natsume surprised her.
"Do you want to talk about something else then?"
"Okay…" she said slowly.
"Let's talk about this."
She was nonplussed when Natsume reached into his back pocket and pulled out a tri-folded sheet of paper. He smoothed it out then handed it to Mikan. Her forehead creased. When she glanced up at him, she realized he was waiting for a reaction.
"Why do you have this?"
Mochu, Koko and Kitsuneme gathered in the study hall. Mochu fired up his laptop. Koko pulled out his bet list. Kitsuneme laid the cash box on the table. Then they hunkered down to get to work. Most of the gang knew that the three of them do in fact sit around sometimes and talk about the fate of their friends in what they believed was a completely objective, non-meddling way.
Mochu pulled up his spreadsheet. "Okay, time to update some vital information. So, it turns out Tenchi Aino wasn't using his Alice on Mikan after all— oh, hey Yuu!"
Yuu frowned when Mochu slammed his laptop shut. "What are you guys doing?"
"It's a project for—"
"Don't lie to me, Koko."
"It's a timeline on Natsume and Mikan's relationship that we created when the betting pool started growing. It helps us keep track of facts and hearsay. It's quite detailed— and yes, this falls under personal and invasive, which goes against your court order." Koko said the last part hastily when Yuu's expression darkened. Koko's shoulders drooped. "Please don't send me to jail."
"I keep telling you, there's no such thing as an Alice Academy Jailhouse."
"Yeah, we have dungeons," Kitsuneme shuddered, "The inhumanity of it."
"Show us what you're working on," Ruka said, walking up behind Yuu. Hotaru was with him. With a heavy sigh, Mochu opened the screen.
Yuu, Ruka and Hotaru studied it for a few minutes with their three-star level of concentration. Then eventually Ruka pointed to a column. "You need to edit that. The one-line essay on Mikan turned out to be true."
There was a surprised pause then Mochu started editing the file while the others read on. Hotaru actually leaned forward to scroll through the sheet.
"Fluff Puffs on her birthday…"
"Fact."
"Mikan buying him a mint edition of The Black Thief of Verona…"
"Gossip."
"Natsume breaking into a safe house because Mikan was trapped inside after she was abducted by a drug syndicate…"
"Fiction," Hotaru bristled. "Delete that."
Kitsuneme gave a sharp bark of laughter then swallowed the rest of it when Hotaru started scanning the sheet as though she was conducting a quality check.
Yuu read over her shoulder, "Did they ever put a claim on each other?"
"I think that started with the Bedazzled MS and the burned NH on their walls."
"When was that?"
"That time when they were having a kleptowar," Ruka answered.
"But was it a claim?"
"No, so that would be gossip."
"How about the part that says Natsume and Mikan snuck out a terminally ill patient from the Alice Academy Hospital?"
"That really happened."
They went through a couple of other stories like Natsume and Mikan going to the carnival together. Natsume had dropped out of the Ferris Wheel before the ride was over. Fact. Did Mikan push him off? Gossip. Natsume tutored Mikan in Philosophy. Fact. Mikan had to pay him for it. Gossip.
After a few minutes, the other girls joined them and they started going through the events as neutrally as they could while a wealth of information started pouring in. They had all been involved in this story at one point or another.
Mikan nursed him back to health when he was confined at the hospital. Fact. Natsume had to pay her for it. Gossip. Natsume funded the prom for Mikan. Fact. Mikan made him an honorary member of the Prom Committee. Gossip.
"Did Natsume beat up every guy who tried to ask Mikan to the prom?"
"That's gossip," Ruka said with a grin. "He only wanted to talk to them, but the list part is true. That came from me."
Sumire pointed to a long entry. "Did Mikan help Natsume get over his OCD tendencies?"
They stared at each other for a moment as though they were trying to remember something relevant but couldn't quite put their finger on. Nonoko said slowly, "Maybe in an alternate universe— but for us, it's gossip."
"It's fiction." Hotaru rolled her eyes. "Half these things sound like fiction."
"Mikan and Natsume took their argument to Student Court."
"Fact," everyone chorused.
Hotaru looked like she was dissecting the document. She scanned each row, took in every detail and her mind quickly worked an algorithm that brought order to the events. Everything seemed to lead to one inevitable finale. When she was finished, she looked up and caught her boyfriend's eye, knowing he had arrived at the same conclusion.
Ruka grinned at her and nodded. "All bets are off today."
"Why do you have this?"
"Narumi gave it to me."
It was a page from Mikan's student file. During the mid-year, their class was asked to fill out a form about their career objectives and target colleges. Afterwards, they were asked to select a mentor from the faculty list. Mikan had chosen Mr. Narumi to help facilitate her exit from the Academy and possibly to guide her transition back into the world outside. Apparently, Mr. Narumi had other things in mind.
"You should've chosen a better career counselor," Natsume told her.
"Like one that keeps my files private?"
"Or one who didn't care about you so much."
She gaped at him. "Are you taking his side?"
"No, he took mine." He raised his eyebrows. "So let's talk about college."
"Let's go back to talking about us," Mikan said dryly but she knew he wouldn't let up. Not while her blank career profile and equally blank college application list were out in the open.
"Why haven't you applied anywhere?"
She threw up her hands. "I don't know where to go. It's not like I have an apparent talent or a particular interest I want to pursue. Ask anyone and they'll tell you I'm hard to place. I'm nice. I'm cheerful. Nobody builds a career out of that."
He waited a beat or two then asked, "Then why don't you apply to my schools?"
She blinked.
"I'm serious."
Never mind that her heart skipped a beat when she realized that Natsume wanted her with him. Never mind that his words were just short of the high school version of a proposal. She had a retort prepared because she had already considered his choices before.
"Your schools are hard, Natsume!" she blurted out. "They're Hotaru's schools. You and she might even end up in the same University. Good luck to that campus when you decide to take over."
"So you're not even applying to Hotaru's schools?"
Mikan rolled her eyes. "For all I know, Hotaru will chuck her college list at the last minute and start her own company after graduation."
"Then what happens to you?"
"Well, I'm not trying to be with Hotaru, am I? I'm trying to be with you." Natsume visibly started at this but Mikan just plunged on, "Hotaru and I are best friends. We'll be fine no matter where we end up. I know that now. What she and I have, we have for life. But you and me—"
"We'll be fine too," he said softly.
"Are you sure?" Mikan shook her head. "I hate that I'm making another decision based on someone else instead of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I can't help it because I want to know what happens to us. We've been on the edge of this for so long. What will it be like if we end up thousands of miles apart—?"
"Thousands? Just where are you planning to go?"
"Or hundreds, I don't know. I'm no good at geography."
"We'll be okay."
"Right, this from the guy who couldn't make it work with me when we were standing right next to each other for years!"
Mikan's hand flew to her lips the moment those words left her. The rest of her rant died in her throat. Natsume was staring at her. He wore the same expression he did right before he walked out of the café at Central Town.
Without meaning to. Without effort. Without a second thought.
After a long, heavy pause, Natsume said, "I deserved that."
"No, you didn't. I'm sorry."
"So am I."
Natsume stepped away from her. He turned around then paced. His entire countenance was stiff, like he was stretched out on a rack. It was her turn to wait in wretched silence for him to say something. Then suddenly he swiveled back to her with a determined glint in his eye.
"We're acting like idiots. This can't be how this is done. We're trying to figure out too many things at once and that's just not possible with you and me." He returned to her side, pulled the sheet of paper out of her hands then slipped it back into his pocket. He took a breath. "The last time we talked about us, we decided to be friends."
"It was the smart decision," she said weakly but Natsume shook his head.
"It was stupid, but it was what we needed at the time."
"We needed to grow up."
"And we didn't really know each other until we became friends, but it's just not good enough anymore. It hasn't been for a while now so let me try this again." Natsume reached out and took both her hands in his. "Mikan, I love you more than I'll ever let on but that's a fault of mine I'm working on. I've given you a lot of reason to doubt but I'm telling you now that you can be sure of me."
"Natsume—"
"I mean it. You can be sure of me."
"And what if we make mistakes?"
"We'll stay together."
"What if we hurt each other worse than we already have?"
"We'll survive it because I'm not letting us fail."
"I thought you were scared."
"But it's not stopping me anymore and it shouldn't stop you either. We'll drive each other insane but I wouldn't have it any other way. You and I are going to spend the rest of our lives together." His grip on her hands tightened. "That's a warning and a promise."
That, Mikan realized, was the most perfect way to say it. When they give this a shot, they're going to have to take the good with the bad, but that was exactly what they've been doing all these years. Whatever happened between them, they always fell back into each other. Maybe they had always known this but in their stubbornness and fear, they turned what they had into a game because that was easy and safe. But it had always been a farce.
And now it was over.
"So what do you say?"
"I say, you're right," Mikan said with a tearful smile. "That's a warning and a promise."
Natsume was startled when Mikan suddenly stood on her toes and kissed him. She pulled her hands away from his so that she could cradle his face and draw him closer. She poured everything she was thinking into that kiss; every emotion and every sentiment that he had been far better in expressing. Just for that moment, she was able to keep her fears at bay, long enough to open up and long enough to accept him. They would figure out everything else later on.
Mikan felt his hands move to her waist and pull her nearer. He bent slightly to take in more of her then when that still wasn't enough he moved one step down on the stairs so that she could have an easier time reaching him. He was letting her set the pace, slow and languorous, so very different from the flash and burn of their last kiss. But it was much more eloquent.
Just so we're clear: You're mine. You've always been mine.
When the thought struck her, Mikan felt the emotion in her chest heighten past bearing. Her heart beat wildly from the sheer bliss of finding everything suddenly falling into place. She pulled away to tell him. Natsume kissed her cheek then her brow. Before he could draw back, she slipped a hand behind his neck to keep his forehead pressed against hers. She smiled.
"I love you."
