"It's his own fault."
Leo and Mike turned shocked eyes to their brother.
Don spoke, his expression so dark it didn't look right on his features. "I didn't ask him to do anything for me. I could have taken my turn. He had no right to…to saddle me with this…"
"Guilt," Mike supplied.
"Yes! It's not fair! If I had known…if I had just woken up earlier, I…"
He faltered, shutting his eyes against the image.
It was the memory he found hardest to shake. Waking up to the unpleasant surprise of men being in their cell. Watching Raph dragged between them, and seeing in a shock that drove sleep far away that Raph was wearing a purple band.
His band.
He had reached up and in horror tore the red band from his own face. Too late.
And he knew. Raph had heard their plans, and like he'd done for Mikey he took the punishment for himself.
But the worst thing about it, about all of it, was that a tiny part deep down inside of him was relieved. Scared of what had driven Mikey to blank frowns and Raph to huddled shudders, and glad to have missed his turn.
What did that make him? Worse than a coward. Worse than weak.
Unforgivable.
He hadn't gone a single moment since then without shame tearing at his mind.
Looking at his brothers, seeing images in his mind that hadn't faded in the last weeks, Don felt the shame twist into sudden spiked fury.
He moved suddenly. He broke past Leo and Mike and crossed the living room to a doorway he hadn't entered since returning home.
"You had no right!" His vision was cloudy but he knew Raph was in bed. Knew he hadn't left it yet.
His voice was loud, sharp. "You selfish jerk. You had no right to turn me into this."
Raph sat up when he came in. As if he couldn't understand the harsh words Don spoke, when he saw Don his face split in a smile.
Don ignored it. He marched to the bed, his hands clenched in tight fists. "You don't get to be a martyr, Raph." A hand unraveled to shoot an accusing finger at his brother. "No one said you had to--"
Raph reached out and grasped the pointing hand, looking at Don with bright relief in his eyes.
Don faltered. Moisture stabbed his eyes, and he shook his head. "You shouldn't have…why did you do that? God, Raph, why would you do that for me?"
Raph shrugged. Though he hadn't been in the cell for the last silent month or the horrible starving final week, Don could read his expression as easily as his other two brothers.
Because I had to.
Don looked past the strange light in Raph's eyes, to the uneven shell behind his head. His body was bandaged all over. No longer bruised, but still achingly thin. His leg was wrapped down the front with a huge bandage. They'd skinned him, Don remembered. A strip of his leg, all the way up. Skinned like an animal.
He didn't realize he was sobbing until Raph's hand tugged him down. He fell onto the bed, and arms behind him circled his shoulders. Mike. And Leo stood over him, hand on Mike's shoulder.
Don buried himself against Raph, barely remembering to hold back and not aggravate his injuries. He spoke into Raph's shoulder, his voice strained.
"I'm sorry we couldn't help you." He looked down at Raph's arm and squeezed his eyes shut against the sight of injection marks and fading bruises.
Raph pulled away until Don was meeting his eyes. He summoned another smile, crooked and small.
You did help.
Don sniffled, wanting to disagree. He could have done more. He could have taken Raph's place. Mike was right - it wasn't worth it, causing Raph more pain just to spare himself any.
Raph hadn't given them a choice, though.
Maybe that was why Don couldn't resolve his guilt.
If he had given them a choice, Don could at least be certain whether he would have stood up and taken his own turn, or if he would have willingly let Raph go.
He would be sure how much he truly should despise himself and his own weakness.
Raph shook his head suddenly, as if reading the thoughts going through Don's head. He met his eyes, piercing with the kind of strength he never lost, even through the worst of it.
Don looked away from those eyes, turning to Mike and Leo. He scrubbed at his face.
Mike's hands, still on his shoulders, squeezed gently. He smiled.
Leo came around to sit on Raph's other side.
Don was a smart guy most of the time, but he was beginning to realize he really had been stupid to try and work through this all alone.
He was unconscious when they dropped him on the floor like a discarded bag of trash, and he didn't wake up for a long time.
Leo sat back as Don and Mike did what they could. Raph was bleeding this time, little wounds all over his skin and one wicked gash on his face. Don had made them strip off their face masks to wipe away the blood.
Then again, Don had already taken off the red one he woke up wearing and during Raph's absence ended up flinging it across the cell after some raging thought or another.
Don had invisible wounds now, Leo knew with a heavy feeling in his chest. Wounds to perfectly match every one inflicted on Raph that day.
In a way Raph's wounds were a good thing, though. They meant that he couldn't pretend to be one of his brothers again. It left no room for doubt, even in the minds of two stupid humans who couldn't tell them apart without their masks on.
Bishop was a scientist. Surely he could tell it was the same turtle the last three times. He must have marked him so there would be no more confusion.
Good.
Leo had to sit there, to face Don's helpless guilt about Raph going in his place. He had to watch Mikey worry. He had to…
Had to be there when they brought back his strong, forceful brother in worse shape time after time.
He understood Raph's thinking, but it was time for someone else to step up.
Leo would go next, no matter what. He owed Raph that. He would face whatever horrors were waiting, that Raph and Mike couldn't speak about.
He went to sleep resolved, listening to Raph's harsh breathing until he lolled into heavy, troubled dreams.
He woke up to the sound of gasping tears.
His eyes opened and he sat up at once, and found Mike huddled in the corner, hands over his face, rocking with sobs. Leo crawled awkwardly over to him.
Mike looked up when Leo touched him, and Leo was struck by how young and scared and innocent he sometimes managed to look.
What's wrong, he asked him silently.
Mike gestured out at the cell beyond.
Leo glanced back, and saw at once what it was.
Raph was gone again.
Don still slept against the wall. None of them had woken up for it. Those men had come back, and deliberately taken Raph again.
The only sign Raph had been back at all were red streaks on the cement floor.
Leo fell back against the wall beside Mike.
Mike looked at him, tears still traveling down his face, and wanted to know why.
But even if they could speak, there weren't words to answer him.
"But I do know why you did it." Leo spoke almost to himself, though he stood in the doorway looking at Raph.
Don and Mike had been talked into turning on the TV, sitting through one of the shows they watched back when things were still normal. Don needed time to work through his thoughts, but silence was poisonous, so the television would be good for him. Good for Mikey, too, to watch something he always loved so much.
But Leo felt drawn back to his still silent brother, and he shut the door behind him so he could talk to Raph alone.
He drew in a breath. "I know why you went instead of Mikey. And Don. They're…"
Raph met his eyes, nodded.
The young ones. Both innocent in ways their older brothers weren't.
Leo moved to the bed and sat. "I don't blame you for that. I…I'm grateful. For them. But."
Raph watched him, hollow-eyed but better now that he'd been eating for a few days.
Leo drew in a breath. "Why do it for me, too?"
Raph tilted his head.
"You know what I mean. You knew they were going to take Don. You could have told me somehow. I could have gone instead."
Raph seemed surprised by that.
Leo frowned. "I'm not innocent like they are, and you were already so hurt. I could have gone, Raph. I could have taken my turn."
Raph shook his head.
"Why not?"
Raph hesitated.
Leo dropped his eyes, his voice harsh. "Would you just talk to me? Just say something. Tell me why you'd keep me from it when you knew I could handle it."
When Raph didn't answer Leo looked up.
Raph pointed at Leo.
Leo grimaced. "Come on, Raph. I know you can talk. Just say it."
Raph's eyes shuttered. He pointed again, at Leo. At Leo's head.
"I don't know what you're saying."
Raph sighed, but pointed at his own temple and made a face. He pointed at Leo again, and waited.
The answer hit Leo fast, sinking into his gut like stone. "You wanted my head clear. So…what, so I could plan a way out of there?"
Raph sat back, satisfied.
"No. There had to..." Leo stood up. He backed away from the bed. "You're an idiot. It was a waste. I couldn't do it, Raph. I couldn't think of anything. After a while I didn't even try."
Raph frowned at him.
"Don't believe me? Since we came back here I've thought of ten different things we could have done. We should have tried…" He swallowed, his eyes burning. "We should have made an effort. I should have. I don't know why being there made it so hard to…to think of…"
Raph sat up again, holding out a hand.
But Leo didn't want to interpret any more gestures. He didn't want to face the brother he'd let down so badly.
He turned and left.
