There have been more princesses in video game history than Disney could keep up with, but out of all of them, these two are quite possibly the most iconic. Princess peach, the first lady of gaming. And princess Zelda, the triforce of wisdom. My name is Sinful Nature and it's my job to analyze their looks, skills, and experience to see who would win a Sex Battle!
Princess Zelda has had many forms in her time. Personally I consider her to be something of a wraith, possessing bodies like Tetra's and re-shaping them to her liking to continue living, but I've learned my lesson from the Malachite vs Alexandrite battle, and won't take my own theories into the analysis for the battle.
She's skilled with a bow, able to fire normal and light arrows, and has limited experience with a sword and dagger. She rather athletic, but less so than most of the others inhabiting the world of Hyrule. Her real specialty is her magic, with which she can achieve many different feats.
She can heal herself, shield herself, throw fireballs, teleport herself, dispel evil, communicate with spirits, send thoughts into other people's minds and have minor telekinesis. Fuck that's a bit of an arsonal.
A lot of this is possible thanks to the triforce of wisdom boosting her magical prowess, but she's got another trick. She can take on the forms of Sheik and Tetra, able to then use their needle throwing and sword skills respectively, but after doing some research, I discovered something very interesting about those forms, and this one isn't just a theory.
Here's the thing, when Zelda becomes Sheik or Tetra, she literally becomes them, her body changing its characteristics to match the others. Between this and the fact that Zelda is crap with a sword, but Tetra is a swordsmaster, we can determine that these aren't just disguises, their separate forms, entire different bodies with their own memories and skills, hence how Sheik and Tetra can be taller and shorter than Zelda respectively and both be more muscled than her.
But here's the bigger revelation about Zelda's transformations: biological features change to. That's why it isn't considered racist when she takes the form of Tetra and her skin becomes darker, because she is genetically becoming a different race. And when she becomes Sheik...she actually physically becomes male. It isn't just cross-dressing, it's a damn gender bender spell!
And I'm not making that up to explain things away, this is all based on official statements from Nintendo. I can only assume they were trying to avoid a controversy about Zelda cross-dressing and accidentally opened a much bigger, gender bending can of worms.
Regardless, between all her forms, the trio of Zelda, Tetra, and Sheik have seen a lot of shit, and helped Link kill most of it.
Princess Peach is the incredibly athletic princess of the Mushroom kingdom. While not exactly bright, she's survived enough to more than earn a spot on the list of top video game survivalists, including every single Smash Bros and Mario Party.
Aside from her weapon set of turnips, frying pans, golf clubs, magic paracel, and her ass bump attack, she's also got her heart power, which allows her temporary floating powers, healing powers, evil dispelling magic, and the ability to conjure sleepy sheep.
She's also got her powers given to her by the vibe scepter (no fucking comment). Her joy lets her fly indefinitely, her gloom increases speed and lets her cry deadly tears, her anger makes her invulnerable but also much heavier, and her being calm created a healing bubble.
Her most powerful ability comes in the form of Flying Empress Peach, and you all know how powerful such a thing is already. Peach, as many ditz jokes as you want to make, has actually made several different plans that helped her escape Bowser on her own and even saved Mario on more than one occasion. I guess her intelligence is situational like Ash Ketchum's.
With all her different weapons, magic, skills, and her experience traveling the world/universe/multiverse, Princess Peach is one monarch you don't want to mess with, because if Mario doesn't take you out, you better be damn sure Peach can at least make you sorry you captured her herself.
Alright the combatants are set, now it's time to end this debate. It's time for a Sex Battle!
Princess Zelda and Princess Peach both walked across the shield over towards each other. Their last battle had not gone so well, but now, both were determined to settle this without violence. Well, without violence that ended in death. They'd agreed upon the terms, chosen a spot between their kingdoms where no onlookers could see them, and now it was time to settle things.
Begin!
Zelda and Peach both rushed forward, Zelda getting knocked back by Peach's butt bump attack. Zelda formed a shield to protect herself from the onslaught of turnips while she got up and fixed her dress, taking out her sword and taking on the form of Tetra.
Tetra rushed at Peach, who countered with her frying pan. The princess and the pirate began to sword fight, though only one of them actually had a sword. Tetra was faster though, making several quick cuts that cut off Peach's dress, leaving her in only a pair of pink bra and panties.
Peach turned red with anger, her body becoming enveloped in fire. Tetra tried to slash her bra off, but her sword shattered upon making contact, and Peach's next rump bump sent Tetra flying, turning back into Zelda as she did.
Pleased with this result, Peach began to glide through the air up to Zelda, tackling her in midair and beginning to undress her as they fell. Peach managed to remove everything but Zelda's panties, and would have landed on top of her had Zelda, had she not teleported.
She moved fast, throwing a fireball just to the side of Peach, making her jump back and get tackled by Zelda, who used her dagger to quickly cut the strings and remove Peach's bra and panties, leaving her naked. Peach tried to butt bump Zelda back again, but a shield barrier caused her to do little more than bruise her own ass.
Peach promptly burst into tears. Said tears washed over the ground and tripped Zelda up, making her land on her back. Peach smirked, sprouting her angel wings for Empress Peach. Zelda yelped as she was grabbed and rocketed into the air with Peach, her panties ripped off by the force of the movement.
Peach locked her legs around Zelda's, grinding her hips against the other princess' to rub their pussies together, the speed and force at which her empress ability allowed her to do so, matched with the force of gravity as they were suspended in air, making it feel extremely intense for the both of them.
Zelda groaned, resisting the urge to buck her hips back against Peach, as she knew she'd never win like this. She used her minor telekinesis to curve Peach's wings, sending them into a death dive. With how fast they'd been moving already, Peach didn't know anything was wrong until Zelda teleported away from her and she face planted.
Peach grumped as she she tried to get up, only to have her head pushed back to the ground as she felt something poking against her exposed pussy. Zelda had taken the form of Sheik, whose strength was more than enough to hold Peach down while he sank his eight inch member into her pussy, groaning at the tightness.
Peach cried out at the rough entrance, squirming to try and escape, but to no avail. Sheik was too strong for Peach to physically remove him, and her weapons were all too far away. If she tried to float with heart power or summon a sleepy sheepy, she'd get pulled right back down or end up putting herself to sleep, as her hands were pinned beneath her. She couldn't exactly channel any gloom or anger at the moment, as the feeling of Sheik's massive cock punishing her tight pussy harder and harder with every thrust was incredible and she couldn't help but want more. Calm would do anything but heal their physical wounds and joy was the same problem with trying to float with heart powers.
With no other strategy available to her, Peach settled for just bucking her hips hard back again Sheik, taking his member deeper into her in the hopes that he would cum before she did. They both moaned as they moved their hips together harder, the sound of their hips slapping together getting louder every moment until Sheik was thrusting his entire length into Peach's hot cunt with every jerk of his hips.
Peach screamed out in pleasure, cumming hard with a cry of bliss as she reached her peak, Sheik reverting back to Zelda before the tightness around his member could cause him to cum as well. With Peach having cum, Zelda turned to leave, victorious.
I love it when princesses beat the hell out of each other, but as for the outcome, this is another case of more combat power not translating to more sexual prowess. If we take the jokes in Super Mario RPG to a logical standpoint and just agree that Peach has a sex toy, then that is the most experience we can claim she has, and if we start working on implications for Peach, then we have to work on implications for Zelda, who was a pirate captain…
Between Tetra's skill with a blade, Zelda's magic, and Sheik's physical prowess, it was only a matter of time until an opportunity to rail the princess formerly known as Toadstool made itself known. The winner of this Sex Battle, is Princess Zelda.
Next time on Sex Battle: a creepypasta yaoi battle...hatchets vs knives...Ticci-Toby vs Jeff the Killer...
