Jeez, I cackled so much writing this - I hope it gets a cackle from you lot.
There's one use of the 's' word but except that she's clean.
Enjoy :)
'Let's Swap Haircuts Day'
"Sit please."
Artemis folded his arms.
"Oh come on," snapped Juliet. "What's the worst that could happen?"
"I lose half an ear."
"Arty," she said flatly. "If I can handle shurikens I can handle scissors. Trust me."
There was a pause, and then–
"No, I don't think I shall."
Juliet sighed heavily and flumped down onto the end of his bed. "Fine! Just carry on walking around looking like a sheep dog then."
"Hmm, I think I just might."
Three minutes later
"You know that if I don't do it your mum will."
Artemis laid down his tablet. "Excuse me?"
"Your mum's been going on about cutting it for weeks now. She was thinking about attacking you on Tuesday but me and Dom managed to convince her to leave it."
He looked back to his tablet. "Well that's that then."
Juliet leant closer. "You didn't see the look in her eye, Arty. She meant business. Seriously, you'd be better letting me do it now, rather than her doing it later. She was showing me magazine cut-outs of what she was planning."
There was a pregnant, somewhat threatening pause.
"And what makes you think that you would do a better job?"
"Academy training."
"They trained you in barbering?"
"They trained us for anything."
There was another pause.
Artemis sighed and dragged his wayward fringe back from his forehead.
"If it is truly that bad then why shouldn't I just summon a fairy barber?"
"Jeez–" sneered Juliet. "No, just no. Because A) You know it is that bad. And B) Arty, you know I love them, but the fairies have no style whatsoever when it comes to hairdressing. Holly, bless her soul, is a prime example. Well, used to be a prime example. So is Trouble. Do you really want to look like Trouble?"
"Is that a serious question?"
"Exactly. So…I'm your only option really."
Artemis fingered the edge of his tablet. "And if I still refuse and continue to fight off both your's and my mother's advances until I have access to my usual services?"
There was another pause.
"Then I'll either wait until Orion's in the driving seat and cut it how he wants or I'll drug you and cut it while you're unconscious."
Five minutes later
Artemis stepped grudgingly out of the wet room, black waves dripping moisture onto the carpet and a thick towel wrapped round his shoulders.
"Juliet," he half-growled, gingerly sitting in the office chair the blonde had rigged to full height. "I'm warning you, if this goes wrong–"
"Arteee!" sang Juliet in a mock-French accent. "I do not know what you are talking about! I am ze best barber in all of 'Aven!"
"Juliet!"
"Front, s'il vous plaît!"
She turned his head sharply to face forward.
"Okay, whoa," she said, back in her usual Anglo-American manner. "I think I could make a ponytail out of this." She finger combed his hair back until it lay in a small bunch in her hands. "Yup! I so can!"
"Can you just get on with it?"
"Yeah, yeah, alright. Jeez… Keep your hair on…"
She swallowed a snigger.
"You're hilarious, really."
"Okay, okay. I'll be serious. I will." She exhaled deeply and picked up the scissors. "Alright? I'm going in…"
Artemis's hands gripped the rests of his chair and–
Snip. Snip. Snip…
"There," said Juliet on an exhale. "No more ponytail."
She smiled and threw the hair to the floor as Artemis's shoulders deflated.
"See," she said cheerfully. "We're doing fine."
She ran the comb quickly back through his hair before raising the scissors again.
Snip. Snip.
"Well, no, actually, I don't know," said Artemis. "We don't have a mirror."
Snip-snip.
"Well I'm saying its fine."
Snip.
"And I should just trust you on that?"
Snip. Snip. Snip.
"Yup. Just trust me. Because everything's–"
Snip.
"Shit," she said flatly.
Artemis rocketed out of the chair.
"What have you done?" he yelled, gripping the back of his head.
"Nothing!" she cried, eyes wide. "Nothing! Seriously! I just cut one bit a little bit shorter than the rest but I can fix it! It's okay!"
Artemis was nearly hyperventilating. "Then why did you curse? Why did you curse if it wasn't a serious mistake?"
"Honestly, Arty, calm down. It was just a slip of the tongue. I can fix it. It's fine."
The teenager's breathing began to level out. His eyes darted to the small pile of hair curling on the rug. He swallowed.
"It's alright," said Juliet slowly, as if to a spooked horse. "Just get back in the chair and we'll carry on. It's fine…"
Please get back in the chair, she thought, Dom will shoot me if he walks in now and you're freaking out and have a chunk of hair missing from the back of your head.
Artemis kept eye-contact…and sat. Juliet beamed.
"Okay," she said, picking up the scissors again. "Round two."
Seven minutes later
Snip. Snip-snip.
"Can… Juliet, I just need to go to the bathroom."
"Nope. Your ass is staying there until I'm finished."
Snip.
His hair was shorter now. Quite a bit shorter. And also not quite even.
But I can still fix that, thought Juliet determinedly. I can still fix that.
She closed one eye and clamped her tongue between her teeth.
Snip–
"Hey guys!"
Juliet's hand jerked in surprise, causing her to hack off about two inches more than she'd meant to.
"Holly," snapped Artemis, apparently oblivious. "You shouldn't just barge in like that!"
"Oh, I'm sorry," said Holly, closing the door and not really sounding sorry at all. "What are you both doing anyway?"
"Waiting for a number ten bus."
The elf was about to make a scathing counter-remark when she spotted the gaping, scalp-coloured hole on the side of Artemis's head.
Shut up! mouthed the blonde from behind the boy's head, cutting her hand frantically across her throat. I mean it! Don't! Say! A! Word!
Holly's expression twitched.
"Er… Looking… good, Arty," she said slowly, her eyes still fixed on Juliet's. "Yeah. It… really suits you."
"You believe so?" he asked, a slight hesitance under-toning the usual self-confidence. "I haven't seen it myself yet but… but so far Juliet has conducted herself calmly and professionally."
The twenty-two-year-old winced.
"Erm… Yeah," said Holly, walking over to him. "Yeah, it's really looking good just… Can I…?"
She held her hands out for the scissors.
"Er, no," said Juliet.
Artemis twisted in his chair. "I'm afraid I must concur, Holly."
The elf's face fell. "What? You don't think I can cut hair?"
The two humans exchanged a brief look.
"Give them here," sighed Holly. "You just need it tidying up at the back is all."
Juliet glared at her. What. Are. You. Doing?
Holly shrugged. I can't do any worse can I?
Juliet's eyes narrowed.
"Holly, really," interjected Artemis, unaware of the silent conversation going on over his head. "Juliet was doing a fine job."
"A-hmm. Now stay still."
The teenager raised his hands beneath the towel. "Holly, please–"
"Oh for Frond's sake. I used to do all the boys hair in the academy! I did Trouble's for years!"
"Yeah," said Juliet, "and if any more people get that haircut we could form a Commander Root tribute band."
Holly scowled.
"Fine!" declared Artemis. "Fine! If… if you only want to… to tidy it… then be my guest."
Holly held back a cackle.
Three minutes later
"Oh my God," breathed Juliet.
"What?" asked Artemis. "What is it?"
He looks like a parrot, mouthed Juliet.
I know! mouth-screamed Holly, brandishing the scissors above the teenager's head. I d'arvitting know, Juliet! But what am I supposed to do about it?
"It's just so good," said the blonde, breaking eye-contact with Holly to pat Artemis reassuringly on the shoulder. "Seriously, I know we didn't have faith in her at the start, Arty, but Holly's got real creative talent."
I am going to kill you, mouthed Holly.
Not before he kills you, replied Juliet jovially.
Then the door to the room opened.
"Greetings all!" called Foaly. "May the fours be– What, in the name of all that is Frondly, have you done to that poor child's head?"
Artemis wrenched himself out of the chair. "That is it! I am looking in a mirror!"
"NO!" screamed both Holly and Juliet, forcing him back into the chair.
"No," insisted Juliet. "It's not done, Arty!"
"How can it not be?" he snapped. "This must be the most drawn-out haircut I have ever had!"
He reached a hand up to feel his head only to have Holly yank it back down.
"Seriously," she said. "Artemis, it's a work in progress. But it won't be long."
He narrowed his eyes but settled, begrudgingly back into the chair.
Foaly, mouthed Holly pleadingly. Can you do anything?
The centaur raised an eyebrow. "Honey, I'm a genius, not a miracle worker."
Holly shot him a look that would have felled several demon warriors at fifty paces.
Foaly sighed.
Two minutes later
Holly was watching Foaly work on what was left of Artemis's hair the way a small child would watch a live war-zone. Juliet wasn't watching at all. She was sat on the bed, her face pressed into a pillow.
Snip. Snip-snip.
"You know, Arty."
Snip. Snip.
"I think I may have found a new profession."
Snip.
"This is really quite easy you know."
Snip-snip. Snip.
"And therapeutic. I'm very relaxed right now."
"Terrific," drawled Artemis. "At least that makes one of us."
"There." Foaly retracted the scissors, slotting them into a spare loop in his utility belt and spinning Artemis to face the women. "Voila!"
Juliet looked out from behind the cushion, released a small sob, and buried her nose back in it. Holly managed a small grimace.
"Er… Arty?" she ventured.
He looked at her hopefully. "Yes?"
"You know your mum brought you all those new clothes?"
"Yes..?"
"Well… did she include any hats?"
Then the door opened for a third time.
For a moment all occupants were frozen. Butler stood, framed in the doorway, taking in the wincing Holly, the beaming Foaly, the cowering Juliet... Then he caught sight of Artemis and sighed as if he were tired of the very universe itself.
"I'll fetch the clippers."
Four minutes later
Butler put down his weapon of choice, blowing bits of black stubble away from the blades. Artemis ran a hand gingerly over his scalp.
"Oh Hell," he murmured as he felt only rough bristles beneath his fingertips.
Holly gave him a lop-sided, sympathetic smile. "Don't worry, Arty. It'll grow back soon enough."
"Yeah," added Juliet encouragingly. "It'll be back before you know it."
Artemis gave them a look. Both women fell silent.
Foaly interjected. "Y'know, Mud Boy, it actually sort of suits you."
Butler smirked. "I've been trying to get him to do it for years."
"Well, excuse me if I've never felt the urge to try the prison camp look before now," grunted Artemis.
He got out of the chair and walked back to his bed, still rubbing his shorn head.
"God, you really do look different," said Juliet, half-smiling as he flumped down beside her. "But, yeah, I think Foaly's right… It does sort of suit you. In a way I doubt I'll ever get used to."
Holly reached up and brushed her hand briefly against his stubble. She flicked her head to get her own hair out of her eyes and smiled. "Yeah, he is right." She rose quickly onto her knees, grabbed his head in both hands, and planted a kiss on top of his crown. "You look great."
The door to the room opened with a belch.
"Pardon me," said the new-comer, stretching his back with a grimace before slumping straight back in to a slouch. "Should not have eaten that ninetieth kudu steak."
"Good evening, Mulch," said Artemis.
The dwarf raised a bushy eyebrow. "Evening, Mud Boy. Do you know your eyes and head look huge like that? And…" He pointed a finger between Artemis and Holly. "Is this 'Let's Swap Haircuts Day' or something? And if so, can I get the centaur's?"
Both teenager and elf almost got whiplash with the speed they turned to look at each other.
"Oh. My. God," breathed Juliet.
Then Holly was up and off the bed. "Butler!"
The bodyguard picked up the clippers.
"It would be my pleasure…"
And that's why I reckon Holly's back to the crew cut in The Last Guardian.
Review? ;)
