The ride home was beyond misery. I was besieged by my guilt and horror at what I'd done and what I had become and it drew me within. I was cold, distant, an island of ice in a sea of despair.

Carlisle tried to lighten my mood, but in the end he seemed to know it was useless and left me to my misery. At one point he reached over and put his marble hand on my leg. "I love you." He whispered, then went silent again. I wanted to respond, I wanted to tell him I loved him too but I felt as though I was unworthy of his love now more than ever.

When we arrived home, Edward took one look at me and I could tell he knew. He kept his peace though, asking me if I felt all right. Making polite conversation, until Carlisle banished him gently as he led me upstairs.

At the bedroom door, I turned to him. " I want to be alone now, please? I need time. Time to think."

Carlisle nodded, I could see the deep emotion in his eyes. He was afraid for me, he was afraid of losing me..he loved me. He loved me in spite of it all. I looked away and shut the door blotting out his sad, all too human eyes. I did not deserve to be forgiven.

Looking back, I was very selfish. I was so absorbed by my guilt and my own dark fancies that I never once thought of the effect on those around me. But at the time, I thought I was saving them, protecting them from the monster, the evil, that was me.

I stayed in my room most of the time, wrapped in my own thoughts. I even slept alone, though I shared a bed. Rather than taking shelter in Carlisle's arms, I kept as far from him as possible a rigid fence of solitude as unpenitrable as any fortress.

I didn't mean to be cruel, that was the last thing I wanted. Ironically I felt my estrangement was protecting those I loved, keeping them from the savage and unpredictable thing that I was. It never occurred to me that I would be causing more suffering by my self- imposed exile. I was soon to realize that was precisely the case.

One evening I was sitting at my window , staring blankly at the rapidly sinking sun . As it fell it turned the sky many shades of vivid color from rosy pink to fiery orange it was breath taking. I hardly noticed the beauty however, I did not see what was before my eyes but what was inside my head. What had haunted my waking dreams for weeks now, the very thing I knew I could never hide from. I could never escape this nameless horror, because it was a part of me. There is no relief from fear, when what you fear is yourself.

Fear when it is kept inside becomes like a wild animal. I have heard stories of animals mutilating themselves to escape traps. I understood their sentiments, the fear inside me clawed and bit at me until the pain grew too great to bear. I could not free it, so, slowly it consumed me. I grew more and more apart from this world, until my own internal world was all that there was. I became a recluse, my mind being my own jail.

As I sat that day, watching the day die with indifference, I suddenly sensed Carlisle's presence in the room and I stiffened.

"Beautiful evening, isn't it?"

Carlisle's voice was warm and satin soft as always. It made me want to run and embrace him . I closed my eyes and hated him for it. I did not respond, too deep in myself.

I felt Carlisle coming closer. 'please' I thought to myself, ' Please don't touch me. This will all be over then and you'll be in danger. Please, Carlisle. Don't try to comfort me.'

Carlisle's voice was sterner now, mere inches from my ear. But his hands remained at his sides, never the less I could smell his after shave and the strange, antiseptic, hospital smell that clung to him so often. It was so familiar and comforting I wanted to scream.

"Esme, you've been shut up in here for a week. I understood when all this time you needed your space,I even understood when you wanted nothing to do with us. But this, this lifelessness…it's not natural, it's not healthy."

I forced myself to answer calmly, my voice was spiritless. " Is there anything NATURAL about what we are Carlisle?"

It hurt him, I knew. I could feel his worry for me and it was as though his pain were my own, but I could not let him win this time."

Carlisle's voice was firm. " Esme, you're being unreasonable…I understand how upsetting what happened must have been, but you can't keep punishing yourself like this."

I was silent. How dare he tell me what I could and could not do? I would punish myself as much as I liked. So there. I heard Carlisle sigh and retire a short distance. When he spoke his voice was frustrated.

" You're not the first, nor the last of us to ..let things go too far. The important thing is, you caught yourself..it could have been so much worse. It will get better, with time."

" Time will not change what I am! Anymore then it will change what you are or Edward or any of the others! If I cannot control this beast within me then I do not deserve to live this life!"

I fell silent again, Carlisle seemed shocked. " You have no other choice Esme…the time for choices has passed. I don't wish to throw the past at you but it is the truth. You are one of us Esme, there is no turning back now."

I did not respond, if I could have cried I would have. I sobbed dryly into my hand and Carlisle came closer. His hand rested on my shoulder and I felt my whole body tremble.

" You have no idea the pain it causes me seeing you like this. You are my heart , Esme and my soul, if I have one. It's not just you that is suffering for your mistake."

" Go away." I sobbed, " Go away and leave me alone."

" That's something I'll never do, Esme. I would do anything for you, but not that. No matter how many times you ask I will never leave you."

I did scream then, it was muffled with my hand so it came out more growl then scream. I slammed my hand against the arm of the chair like a two year old.

" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I don't want you to help me! I don't want your pity!"

Carlisle knelt beside me, he touched my cheek. I did not turn, but he did it for me turning my face toward him. I saw the pain in his tearless eyes and wished I'd died.

"Esme," he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. " I love you."

I twisted my head away. " Don't." I said simply. I heard Carlisle sigh as he rose and crossed the room to the door. It was then that my pain found its exit. Only this time it was not only me it hurt.

" I wish I had never met you. I wish you had never made me one of you. It's because of you I have to live like this…you…you should have known better! I was never meant to be THIS! I'm not like you! I can never be like you and now you've given me no alternative! I HATE YOU FOR IT!"

The minute the words had left my mouth I knew they were lies. Bitter, vindictive perversions of my fears directed at the one person on earth I knew would never hurt me. But it was too late.

For a moment Carlisle stood looking at me as though in awe. His amber eyes were wide with pain and perhaps anger at my words, if it were possible he seemed even paler and a livid tremble filled his voice.

" Well now, Esme…I'm glad to see you're finally saying what's on your mind. " he paused to swallow and collect himself, when I spoke again I realized the trembling was not anger…it was fear. Carlisle was afraid of me. " I'm sorry if I've wronged you. It was not my intention, when I gave you the choice I tried to explain things. I see now I failed. I am sorry."

" Carlisle…" I began, but Carlisle raised his hand and without another word walked to the door. I was about to speak again when I saw Carlisle freeze with his hand on the door handle. I saw his eyes close as he leaned forward slowly until his forehead rested on the door. Then I watched in horror as his body slid slowly to the ground where he knelt his face in his hands, his body shaking with dry sobs.

" Carlisle!" I was at his side in a moment, my arms around his marble body trying to draw him to me. " Carlisle, I'm so sorry…I didn't mean those things, none of them. I was just afraid and you were right and I couldn't stand it! Carlisle, please! Carlisle, stop!"

It was the strangest feeling, crying without tears. It was extremely painful having nothing to distract me from the pain of the emotion, I could only imagine what Carlisle was feeling.

"Esme.." Carlisle spoke finally, his voice a raw, husky whisper, " Esme, please don't hate me. Curse me, slap me, do anything you please to prove your point only do not shut me out of your heart."

I whispered his name, but he did not respond. I had never seen him so distraught and it was me that had reduced him to that state. I thought I'd die of remorse.

" I wouldn't blame you for it if you did…I've hated myself too…so much. But I meant well, Esme…I did."

The sobbing had grown weaker and now he leaned limply against my arm as he spoke. I brushed the hair out of his eyes. " I don't hate you, I could never hate you, you saved me. "

"I made you a monster."

"Do you think I'm a monster?"

"How could you say that…"

" Then, there you go."

Carlisle looked at me desperately. " I'm not like Edward, I can't read your mind. So, please, Esme…tell me what you're thinking…honestly."

I kissed his forehead. " I love you Carlisle. I only hope you can still love me."

Carlisle closed his eyes, "Esme…if you tore me limb from limb I would forgive you with my last breath. But you must never, frighten me like that again. You cannot leave me, Esme. Ever. I need you with me."

I hugged his head to my chest, it felt strange being the protector instead of the protected but it was not unpleasant. " I need you too." I said, " I want to be with you, I swear I do. Always."

"Always?"

" Yes."

Carlisle suddenly took my hands staring earnestly into my eyes, amber suns warming me to my core. When he spoke his voice was the same voice I remembered hearing that day on the cliffs.

"Marry me then."

" WHAT?!"

It was not the reaction I wanted, I had not planned on blurting out the first thing that came to my mind. I had the speech nearly every female has in her head from child hood of what she will say when she is proposed to. But in the end, disbelief won out. Luckily Carlisle saw the humor in it and giving a wisp of a smile spoke again, lifting himself to one knee."

" Esme, Will you marry me? "

I surely would have been crying if I had tears to shed. I was shivering, " I don't deserve this…"

"I know, you're far too good for me…but will you have me just the same?"

I laughed then, it was as though someone had torn a hole in my despair and now sunlight showered in filling me with joy. Then suddenly a thought occurred to me.

"Wait. Carlisle, can we DO that?"

Carlisle smiled, " We can do anything we want…within reason."

I grinned, "Yes, then." I said,

In one motion we were standing and he was lifting me in his arms. " Thank you". He said and then he kissed me. In that moment it seemed time stood still. When at last we parted, he ran a hand down my face gently.

" I've waited my whole life for this moment. I've never been so happy."

For a moment we stood in silence, lost in each other's eyes. Only a moment though. For quite suddenly, from down below came the sound of someone playing the wedding march very enthusiastically and VERY LOUDLY. It would appear Edward hadn't been giving us as much privacy as it appeared.

We both laughed. Carlisle gestured grandly, " May I present to you, life with Edward…never a dull moment ..or a private one. And you think an eternity with YOU scares me?"

"You won't miss being a batchelor?" I teased, " After all, you have all of eternity ahead of you."

Carlisle's voice was deep with emotion, "Esme, one moment with you is worth more than an eternity alone for me. Do you promise never to leave me?"

I grinned, pulling him into a passionate kiss.

"I do."