Smile

Do Not Own


I thought of James, one last time. The way he'd smile. The way he'd laugh. The little dimple he only had on his left cheek. I knew he'd hate me forever for running away, both literally and figuratively. He'd never forgive me and I can't blame him for that. As I wouldn't forgive me either. But as I slowly walked away from the school and in the direction of my future I felt a wave of uncertainty hit over me. I don't know if I'll ever feel the warmth again.

That was my last thought before I apparated into the darkness and to this day I don't know if I was talking about my window or James.


Chapter Eight: Home

Three Months Later…

Agony. Pain. Destruction.

That's all you see in this business. I really don't know what I expected when I left but it wasn't this. I mean the long hours and the damage to myself, I can take. But this, I can't do it. I can't be the bearer of bad news. I can't go to some poor woman and tell her her son or husband is never coming home. I won't do it.

They can train me for anything else but not that. Never that. So as I stared at Alastor I knew I had one of two choices. Number One) Continue here with my training or Two) Go back to Hogwarts to assist Dumbledore in his training of the soon to be members of the Order in the school.

Neither choice seemed good to me as if I went back I knew there would be things I'd have to face. Things that I'm not sure I'm ready for. But anyways it's better than what Moody wants me to do, so I'm going back home. After three long months I'm going back.

So that's why I'm here now. Standing terrified in front of the giant doors. By walking through that door, I'll have to resume where I left off. Classes, teachers, students. They'll want explanations, but can I give it to them? I guess I'll have too.

Taking a deep intake of breath, I opened the door. I wasn't surprised to find an empty corridor as it was late afternoon on a Friday and the students were still most likely in class. And for that I was eternally grateful.

I made my way to Dumbledore's office, and couldn't help but let the feeling of warmth and safety envelop me as I walked down the ever-familiar halls. I hadn't felt like this in a long time. I made it to the gargoyle, and after saying a lot of muggle and wizarding candies I finally got the dang thing to open.

I didn't even bother knocking, knowing he wouldn't care. But as I pushed open the door I immediately wanted to crawl into some hole when I saw just who was in this room.

**LJ**

Gone. Vanished. Disappeared.

It was like one second she was here in my arms and the next she ran off and apparently doesn't come back. I remember staring after her hurt and abandoned when she ran away, but slightly at ease knowing that tomorrow I'd see here and could talk to her.

But no, I didn't see her. I didn't talk to her. Because she was gone. Or at least that's what a tear stricken Alice had told me when I asked. I remember the feeling of my whole world closing in on me when those words left her mouth.

The numbness, the pain, the anger… none of it would go away. I was numb because I knew that the kiss we shared could very well be the only one we ever would. I was in pain knowing that she would just up and leave like that, no explanation no note. Nothing. I was angry because I knew she felt something for me too—the kiss had proven that—and still she felt it necessary to leave and take my heart with her?

I was a little surprised when Dumbledore asked me to come to his office today. And when I got here and he asked me to join some group that's fighting against Voldermort I immediately jumped at the chance to help. He told me that tonight would be the first meeting for the people in Hogwarts who were also part of the Order—the rest of the Marauders included.

He told me about how he and someone who had left Hogwarts earlier last year was going to be helping with the training and she was actually going to resume the education that she left behind as well. I wasn't all that interested; I haven't been interested in anything since she left.

My life had basically turned into the same boring thing. Get up. Do usual morning things. Eat breakfast. Go to school. Eat lunch. Do homework. Pull a small prank with the guys. Eat dinner. Snog some random girl in a broom closet. Go to sleep. Boring right?

The whole snogging thing is the only thing that has changed since she left. I never really know who I'm snogging as all I can think about is her while I kiss them. Her lips. Her smile. How much better it felt to kiss her. Her red hair. Her green eyes. Her beautiful laugh. Her beautiful everything. It was nauseating and pathetic, but I couldn't change it.

But just before I was about to leave the Headmaster's office the door shot open and both he and I turned to the door. I felt my breath intake as I stared at the woman I loved. The woman who broke my heart.

**LJ**

Him.

Of all the people who I would happen to bump into in the Headmaster's office it would be the one person I hoped to not have to see until necessary. My smile dropped at the sight of his hurt and confused expression. And it took everything in me not to run over to him and kis—no bad Lily! No thoughts of kissing James Potter. He can do better; he will do better than me.

I could feel the water in my eyes as I turned away from him to look at Dumbledore. He stared at me knowingly.

" Lily! You're here, finally. I was just telling James about joining the Order, he agreed of course." No. NO. NO! He-he can't… no. He'll get hurt. He'll die. Something will happen it's too dangerous he can't.

" Well if you two wouldn't mind it would be best if you were leaving. Lily, I expect you still know how to get to your old room?" I nodded at him blankly as James and I exited the room and walked down the long flight of stairs. He didn't even last two seconds before he had turned to me, glaring at me coolly with his gorgeous hazel eyes.

" So Lily how've you been? You know it's funny because I don't remember you telling anyone about you leaving. And don't even get me started on you leaving to join the order. Are you crazy you could have been hurt Lily! You could have died." He started stuttering towards the end, and he looked so defeated that I couldn't bear to look him in the eye.

" I had to leave, James." I whispered quietly. In a split second he had my back against the wall, his hands on either side of my face and his face so close that I could feel his icy mint-y breath.

" You didn't have to." He whispered in a deadly tone that made me shiver slightly. " Do you realize how many people you hurt? Alice, she went ballistic cried her eyes out for days upon days. Sirius and Remus were going out of their minds thinking that someone had taken you. But I-I knew better. I knew you had left. I just didn't know why." He took a deep breath and continued.

" At first I thought you had left because of me, because of the kiss. I was devastated to think that you had used me, played me like your own personal deck of cards." I tried to interrupt him but he put his fingers over my lips and left them there.

" I cried Lily. I never cry but you-you made me. I felt my heart literally fall from my chest so I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed some random girl and I snogged her breathless. And this continued everyday, sometimes more than once. But you want to know one thing hat always remained the same? No matter who the girl actually was I always imagined it was you."

I gasped as he told me about his many broom closet adventures with different girls. I didn't like the idea of him kissing someone else. But it was inevitable, for he had and he would continue to. The thing that really threw me off guard though was the fact that he imagined me as he kissed them.

"James… I-I," He cut me off with his lips. His horribly soft and warm lips. I know I should have pushed him off. But I couldn't. Instead I let him kiss me breathless like he had all those other girls. I let his tongue fight mine in dominance. I could feel his man hood grow hard on my thigh and I blushed knowing that I had, had that effect on him.

He pulled away. And just stared at me, almost knowingly. Like he knew that I was too much of a coward to pull away. Like he knew that once this little make out session was over nothing was going to change and so he walked away.

And as I stood breathless and tired, staring after him I knew it would be harder than I ever imagined it could be to let him go.

Another summer day

Has come and gone away

In Paris and Rome

But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by

A million people

I still feel all alone

Just wanna go home

Oh, I miss you

You know

And I've been keeping

All the letters that I wrote to you

Each one a line or two

"I'm fine baby how are you?"

Well I would send them

But I know it's just not enough

My words were cold and flat

And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane

Another sunny place

I'm lucky I know

But I wanna go home

I got to go home

Let me go home…

I'm just to far

From where you are

I wanna come home

And I feel like

I'm living someone else's life

It's like I just stepped outside

When everything was going right

And I know just why

You could not

Come along with me

This was not your dream

But you always believed in me

Another winter day

Has come and gone away

And even Paris and Rome

And I wanna go home

Let me go home…

And I'm surrounded by

A million people

I still feel all alone

Let me go home

Oh I miss you,

You know

Let me go home…

I've had my run

Baby I'm done

I gotta go home

Let me go home

It'll all be alright

I'll be home to night

I'm coming back home…


Thanks for reading hope you liked this chapter. Song by Michael Buble 'Home'

3

Katie :)