I wasn't even really awake, but I was really eager for that heightened sensation that hanging out with Edward always gave me. I groaned when I realized that before we had left for bowling, I had left my phone downstairs to charge.
I realized how impossible getting downstairs would be when just sitting up became a chore. Every muscle in my body ached and every old injury throbbed with the slightest pressure. So much for doing something today.
"Renee!" I called, my voice hoarse from all the screaming Edward and I had done last night. When she arrived in my doorway, I asked Renee if she could bring me my cell phone. She didn't even need me to tell her that I was in pain. The instant I had the phone in my hand, I dialed the number on the note.
"Hello?" came Edward's voice on the other end.
"Edward? It's Bella," I informed him. He probably already knew, though.
"Hey, she lives!" he joked. "So, What are you in the mood for today?" he questioned.
"Actually, even if I was in the mood to do anything, I wouldn't be able to. I don't think an all-night-er was the best thing in the world. I ache all over," I told him
"Well doesn't that just suck?"
"I'm sorry for whatever plans you may have had for the weekend. I'm exhausted in every way that's possible and I wouldn't be much company, anyway," I apologized.
"Hey, no worries. I'll see you on Monday, anyway. You rest up and bask in last night's glory. We have all the weekends in the world," he told me, sounding very sure of himself.
"Sorry again," I repeated.
"Don't worry about it. See you Monday."
"See you."
I was pretty much asleep again the instant the line was dead.
The sound of Renee bringing in some dinner woke me up. When I turned to look at her, something caught my eye.
It was a teddy bear, clearly from build-a-bear, bandaged in various places. Next to the bear was a bottle of asprin and another note was tucked into one of the bear's bandages.
Wow, you must really be tired. I had time to get you this and drop it off before you even woke up. Hey, you'd better not be reading the book in my absence. If you are, I'll be singing Spice Girls until you build up the strength to drop that bowling ball on my head. Jasper tell you to get better, too (he's getting sick of my boredom complaints and wants you to get me off of his hands)
Rest up and I'll see you Monday
Edward
"Renee?" I began, right about when she started to walk out.
"What is it, hon?" she wondered.
"When did Edward come over?" I asked her.
"Around four-thirty. I didn't know you were going out with him," she commented.
"I'm not. He's just a really good friend who's been really concerned," I explained. Renee sat down at the foot of my bed.
"You've changed a lot in the past two weeks. You've been smiling a lot more. I occasionally hear a laugh come out of you. It's rather infectious. It makes me smile to see you finally happy again," she confessed.
"Can you be honest with me?" I requested.
"I've always been hoset with you, honey," she reminded me. I hesitated before asking my question.
"How much have I changed in the past four years?" I wondered.
"Well...do you want the story or the list?" she questioned.
"Story. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," I told her. I began to eat as she made herself comfortable. Apparently this was going to be a long story.
"For the first year, both you and Alice isolated yourselves. According to her you guys sat alone in the corner of the cafeteria and if anyone tried to join you, you would both freak out. Watching you, I saw you grow obsessed with cooking. you barely let Alice help you with it. I still see that in you. It's just lightened up a lot.
"One thing I noticed when your father forced me to watch him torture you two was that you let it happen. You were never good at resisting anything, and this was no exception. Alice would jump on top of him, trying to stop him from hurting you, and then try to fight him off when he would turn on her. I don't know which was worse to watch: you just giving up, or Alice fighting both battles.
"It took me nearly a year to build up the courage to call Charlie and I'm sorry for that. At first it looked like you were going to get better. You and Alice celebrated for a few weeks. You were both laughing again. I had let you take a few celebratory weeks off of school, but when I finally sent you guys back, you changed.
"By then everyone had heard about what had happened, and all of your old friends ran straight to you to support you. Alice slowly re-embraced her old life, began dating Jasper again, doing things outside of school, and hanging out with old friends. When you came back from that first day, you were bawling. You ran upstairs and shut yourself in your room. When you cam down to cook, you looked livid. You were throwing ingredients around like a psychopath. Both Alice and I watched carefully as you ate in silence."
Renee paused for a moment. I could see how much it hurt her to remember, but it was vital if I had any chance of moving on. Edward had been right. I didn't deserve to let it trap me. If I ever wanted to completely heal, I had to accept what I had left behind me. I had to see what my friends had painfully watched.
"You never answered your cell phone," she began again, "so your friends would call the house. Whenever I delivered the phone to your room, you wouldn't answer the door. You wouldn't even say 'go away.' You just turned your music up louder.
"You hid yourself in your schoolwork. Your grades flew through the roof, but you were still never satisfied. Slowly, your depression turned into negativity. You began to talk again, but only to us, or if you were spoken to. Whenever we heard anything out of your mouth, it was either sarcasm or complaints. Rainy days put you in a slightly better mood and heavier music was coming from your room.
"When you began talking to other people, which was a rare occasion, you were very opinionated. Strongly opinionated. And most of the time, your opinion was that you hated whatever you were talking about. Once again, I was faced with a double-egded sword. I didn't know which I hated more: to watch you shut yourself away, or to watch you shove everything else away in hatred. Finally I figured this was better. You weren't suffering as much and you at least slightly socialized. Sure you never smiled, but you were at least somewhat mentally there.
"I've been seeing you improve, lately," she noted. "Like I said, you smile. You make plans, you're haging out with friends again, you complain less. It makes me smile to see you with brighter spirits."
"Renee? Can I ask you something else? It won't take as long to answer," I promised.
"Anything, sweetheart," she assured.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that everything was going to be okay?"
"Because I didn't even know. I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to get your hopes up. I couldn't stand the possibility of hurting you any more than you already had been hurt," she explained.
"But isn't lying what parents do best when they're trying to make their kids happy? Think about Santa! The Easter bunny! Those kept us happy for years, and those were only little lies. Imagine what a big lie could have done!" I irrationally compared.
"I didn't know how long it would last. I could see your trust in others fading, and I didn't want you to stop trusting me when things didn't get better right away."
I was done eating at that point. Renee quietly gathered my dinner stuff up and kissed my forehead before exiting the room, leaving me to feel like complete crap about what I had done.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was probably the reason why my father began beating Alice in the first place. If I had been able to stick up for myself, Alice wouldn't have had to do it for me, and my father would have never turned on her. I had been too angry with the world to really appreciate everything that Alice had ever done for me.
Despite how sore and tired I was, I stepped out of my, still in the clothes from last night. I went down the hall to Alice's room and knocked gently.
"Come in," she kindly replied. I opened the door, and just looking at her brought tears to my eyes. I was sobbing before I could even say anything. "Bella, what's wrong?"
When I finally gathered myself, I sat down on the floor where she had cleared a spot for me.
"I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm sorry that he turned on you. I'm sorry that I never thanked you for protecting me. I'm sorry," I blurted out. Alice put her hand on my shoulder reassuringly.
"I know you would have done the same for me. you were always unique like that. You would let people push you around, but if someone else was getting picked on, you would defend them," she recalled. "I don't regret it, either. Did you ever notice that he always started with you? I wasn't his child to beat. He never would have stopped if I didn't do anything. He would have killed you, I could tell. This way, I took half of your blows. You're my step-sister and my best friend. No beating in the world would have hurt me more than if I had lost you. That's why I started fighting for you. You know me, as helpful as I like to be, I try to let people fight their own battles. But knowing you would protect me, and knowing how much it would hurt if you died, that's what made my choice."
By the end of her speech, I was crying again. Alice wrapped her arms around me in comfort. Sure, Renee had been the one to finally call Charlie, but Alice had been the one who truly saved me.
Sitting in Alice's arms, I realized that Renee had been right. I had let everything happen. I had let my father beat me, I let him beat Alice, and I let him tear my world apart. I had let my friends abandoned me, and I was letting my father's memory stand between me and recovery.
I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't do it alone.
