Oh my goodness, this week has just gone so fast! Unbelievably fast, really. I can't believe it's Tuesday already. Some of you wanted this before Wednesday, so I worked my damn butt off to get it to you! Review and show your thanks? I love them!
I have now officially left school. I never have to go back ever again if I don't want to. It just so happens that I do, and I am going back in September, to study for my A Levels - but the freedom still feels nice, you know? I get a whole summer full of fun and sun... except the times where I'm searching for a job that can hopefully pay for a car I'm saving up for. Yeah, scary thought. I have a year to save before I can even begin to think about driving lessons... but then it's university, and a house. The list is never ending...
Okay, I think I've bored you enough now. I hope you like this chapter. I know I do :)
Standing directly in my vision was something that was strong enough to bring tears to my eyes, and my heart couldn't decide whether to stop completely or race so fast that it would sound like a propeller. It seemed to find some kind of in between, and it pounded slowly against my chest.
I stared at her short stature, her black hair, her narrow golden eyes that stared at me with uncertainty and her hands on her hips; Alice Cullen was here, in this adolescent unit, and she wanted to see me. She needed to see me.
"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" Alice gasped as she saw me, eyeing me up and down with her observant eyes that saw everything, before pacing over towards me as fast as she could without causing any suspicion from the onlookers of the unit.
Briefly, I saw Dr. Geller and Heather standing, warily watching us, questions rushing across their faces. Was this strange girl safe? Was this girl going to cause me any upset? I could understand their attitudes, after Jacob's outburst, but I still didn't like the way they stared at her.
As Alice's arms clamped around my neck, I felt tears prick my eyes in disbelief. That scent, it was so familiar. It wasn't quite Edward, but he was still present in it. There was a general Cullen scent, the alluring powerful attraction of a vampire, and Alice was covered in it.
But that's when my mind started to splutter incoherent thoughts around, stuttering aimlessly in my head as it tried to piece together the vague and confusing scene that had played out in front of me.
Alice? Alice Cullen?
What?
Why?
How?
I didn't understand. I guessed my confusion was natural. First of all, she'd left without saying goodbye, abandoning me, leaving me sister-less and without a best friend. But now she was here, she was back, and she was hugging me a little too tightly.
"Alice?" I whispered breathlessly, uncertain.
"Oh my god," Alice repeated. "What have you done?" She didn't even pause so I could ask her what she was on about. Was she angry at me? What had I done? "Seriously, Bella, what have you done to yourself?"
My hands shot to my face, fingering the pale skin there, and moving them swiftly over my body, inspecting for injuries. Had I gotten something in my hair? I knew I looked awful, completely and unexplainably awful, and Alice's reaction brought that realisation crashing on me.
"You look awful. You're so thin!"
"I… I h-haven't really been… hungry, or anything," I stuttered, so overwhelmed.
How could I admit this to Alice? What part of me could confess that I was so devastatingly depressed since her brother had left me, that I had done nothing but sleep and cry.
Cautiously, Alice glanced over her shoulder and caught Dr. Geller and Heather staring at the both of us. I wondered how insignificant and pathetic I looked beside Alice, who was so beautiful and graceful. I had before she'd left me to fall into this depression.
But she was back!
Alice Cullen was back!
"Can we go somewhere to talk, Bella?" she asked quietly, almost a whisper; as her eyes flickered to the audience that had gathered to stare in awe at the beautiful Alice who looked so out of place here. Alice was utter perfection, and this place just… wasn't.
I nodded quickly.
"You're more than welcome to use the visiting room, Bella," Dr. Geller reminded me, and I thanked her with a quick smile.
"Alice can come in my room; it's okay," I said quietly, pointing to the room that I'd just hurriedly exited to find one of my prayers answered. "I'll… I'll be back in a minute." Just as I turned to go, I quickly turned back. "Wait. D-Don't go anywhere, please… please."
"I promise."
Before anyone could protest, I saw Alice walk in the direction of my room, and I rushed into the bathroom across the unit. As soon as I was inside, I breathed heavily, deep quick breaths to supply enough oxygen to my brain and every other part of my body that was screaming at me to wake up. If I woke up now, the realisation that it was just a dream would crush me even more. I hadn't had a dream so wonderfully vivid in so long. But I wasn't dreaming, I was sure of it. The scent was too strong, too real to dream.
Splashing water across my face, I cooled myself down slightly and ran my hands through my hair in an attempt to make myself look the tiniest bit better for Alice. She would no doubt want to do something to make me look better. And, for once, I would not complain. I'd never complain ever again.
But I couldn't stay away from her for much longer; paranoia crept into my every breath when I thought she might have left me again, abandoned me after these brief, luxurious moments of hope.
And so I ran back to my room to find Alice sitting on my bed; Jacob's gift was in her right hand but she held it only with her thumb and forefinger. My letter, the one I'd written so desperately to Edward, was clenched in her left. The tufts of paper were sticking out of her clamp-like grip, and I felt my heart crumple a little at the sight.
I moved over to sit on the bed with her, although I perched uncomfortably rather than sit close to Alice. I was scared that if I got too close, she would just evaporate into thin air, or burst into flames and become nothing more than a pile of ash.
"Bella," she sighed, so defeated. "What has he done to you?"
I shook off the question she asked. I had to give myself a minute to take in this surreal image; Alice Cullen on my bed.
"Why are you here?" I choked, my throat suddenly thick with tears and emotion.
Alice spoke quickly, and I tried to keep up.
"Bella, he told me not to look; he told me to stay away. If we tried to move on, maybe you would too. But I couldn't break away from you. You're my sister. But he wouldn't listen. He told me a clean break would be best, and I couldn't refuse. But I kept watching, and I saw you, Bella – I watched you get progressively worse until Charlie had no choice but to bring you here. I watched, tormented, as I wondered how I could help. I made arrangements so Jasper and I could move back to Forks. Carlisle and Esme don't know why, Rosalie and Emmett aren't with us and I have no idea where Edward is; somewhere dark.
"I had to watch you, Bella… I had to watch you get worse! In a place you're supposed to get better, you just got worse. I don't understand! And then when Jasper and I got settled, I planned to stay out as long as I could. I know Edward's gonna flip when he finds out, but I couldn't stay away."
Alice's voice trembled now and then drifted off.
"I kept watching. But then, all of a sudden, you kept fading out," she said, in nothing more than a faint, scared whisper. "You disappeared once… I thought, for a moment, that you were going to commit suicide, Bella. You don't know how hard it was for me to deal with. But then you came back, and I saw you clearly again. Until this morning, and I got so scared that I had to come. I couldn't stay away anymore."
"I disappeared?" I whispered, "What does that mean?"
"I don't know, Bella. But enough of that. I'm here now."
"Are you gonna leave again?" I looked down, trying to avoid her eyes. My arms automatically wrapped around my body, preparing myself for the shattering blow.
"No!" she answered instantly. "I can't. Edward will find out soon enough, but I'm gonna stay until then."
"Until then?" I panicked. There was a time limit? How long would it be until Edward found out? What would happen then? I'd be left again? I couldn't do it – I couldn't fall into the hole again.
"Bella, Bella, calm down." Alice soothed, throwing the bracelet onto the table, and discarding the letter absently as she shuffled over to me and turned my shoulders to face her. I looked into her eyes, so comforting and promising. "It's going to work out, I promise you. I've seen it. It's gonna work out."
"Oh, Alice." I was practically sobbing now, each little sniffle coming out sharper and stronger than the last. "It's not going to work out! He l-left me. He d-d-doesn't l-love me!"
My chest heaved up and down vigorously in sharp movements as Alice leaned over and wrapped her arms around me.
"Bella? Bella?" Alice said, demanding my attention with her high snappy voice. "Edward loves you more than anything in the world, more than his own life."
"No!" I snapped. "Alice, don't. Please." My voice sounded so pathetic as I begged and pleaded for her to stop with these delusions. "He left. He told me. He wouldn't lie."
"Of course he lied! Bella, he was so stupid. I told him, I really did! I said it wouldn't work; you two are made for each other. But he didn't listen." She paused and said, "He lied to you so you'd believe him. He wanted you to move on so you could have a normal, human life. Obviously, that's not going quite to plan here. But he most definitely loves you."
Closing my eyes, I struggled to see how that could possibly be true. Alice was just so concerned about the possibility of me being suicidal – although I'd never do such a thing to Charlie or Renée – that she was willing to delude me with whatever she thought would make me sane. But the lies only made me feel worse, because they filled me with some false hope I knew wasn't going to last.
So I took the easiest option. To save arguing, I ignored the topic completely.
"I just… I just can't believe you're here!" I sighed heavily, and leaned into Alice, embracing her and squeezing her as tightly as I could, with Alice not even noticing the difference. Of course she wouldn't, because she was a vampire. But after several moments, Alice pulled back, a serious look on her face.
"Now I'm here, Bella, I just can't sit back. I've got to get you out of here. I've got to make you start living again."
"I am living!"
"Don't shit with me, Bella!" Her voice was so stern. I'd almost forgotten how intimidating she could be. Hell, she could wrap Emmett around her little finger. She had Charlie doing whatever she said! "I've been watching, so don't undermine me. Jasper is at the house in Forks. He's... He's so sorry about everything, Bella, he really is."
"He shouldn't be," I brushed her off. "It's not his fault. Tell him that for me, please?"
"He'll be pleased to hear that. He's been beating himself up too much."
"He shouldn't. I don't blame him at all. It's natural, for you guys. I - it didn't bother me, or scare me. Only him… it only bothered Edward."
"Only because he was so scared for your safety, Bella. Believe me when I say that."
I nodded, because that was the only thing I could do. I wanted to believe her, so much, but it was just so hard! It made sense for him not to love me; I'd got my head around that a long time ago. I didn't understand the lies, though. And it'd take a lot more to convince me. It'd take more than Alice to even begin to budge this gaping persistence in my mind that continued to chant 'he doesn't love you.'
"Okay, so here's the plan. Bella, listen to me!" she snapped, flapping her hand in front of my face.
She'd been here – what? – half an hour and already she'd fitted straight back into my life like a glove to a hand, like a duck to water. It was just right for Alice to be a part of my life. And it felt so good for her to be back and to have her support.
"As I was saying, I'm going to come and visit every day, okay? I'm back at school now. I have to be, but I can come any time you want and I'll stay as long as you need. But I need you to start fixing yourself, Bella. I can only do so much."
Alice's frustration was evident through it all, pulsing from her like radiating matter. I didn't know what frustrated her most: the fact she could only do so much, when Alice was the number one control freak, or that she was angry at me for disappearing. It confused me too.
"I… I don't know how, Alice," I admitted. "It's like... I've forgot."
With a deep sigh, Alice said "Okay. Okay… I'll… I'll coach you through. But I'm gonna lay down some rules for you, okay?"
I nodded obediently, really hoping that this would work. Imagining that I could get out of here and have my sister/best friend back would be amazing! Only one thing could top this… but I couldn't – and wouldn't – let myself get my hopes up.
"Here, let me write them down."
She went to reach for the letter, crumpled by her side, but I reached out in protest. With a strange look on her face, she reluctantly gave it to me with a raised eyebrow, although I knew she'd read it, read through my emotions. Maybe that was what had made her so determined to help me: sympathy.
Unsurprisingly, Alice reached into her small shoulder bag and pulled out a pen and leaned over to grab the letter that Jacob had sent to me. She asked me, with her eyes, if she could use it and I waved my hands to offer my permission.
After a few moments scribbling at an unusually fast speed, Alice handed me the list.
1. Take a long shower
2. Start eating!
3. Talk to Dr. Geller.
4. Get out of the unit for a little while
5. Stop the medication
6. Get discharged
"I can't do this." I shook my head, pushing the list into her hands. But she didn't take it.
"I know these things, Bella. If you want to achieve the final number six, you're gonna have to do the first five! I'll take you out, okay? I can take you to get your hair cut, get some new clothes, and indulge. Anything to make you feel better, and refreshed. Hell, I'll even bargain that we shop in the high street if it gets you out!"
Wow. For Alice, that was a hell of a lot. The emotion and the determination touched me, sparking fresh tears.
"Oh, number one point five. Stop crying, Bella. It's turning your eyes all puffy, and it's not a good look." She smiled cheekily at me, and I knew she was trying to ease this for me. "It's fine, Bella. I'll coach you. I'll coach you through everything."
Alice's promise made me feel so much better; the eagerness that was flowing through the words was overwhelming. Maybe I could finally do this. I wouldn't need to accept Jacob Black's stupid promise to help me do this because I'd have my real best friend to help me.
"Tell me, Alice," I requested quietly. "How is he doing?"
"Oh, Bella; I have no idea. I mean, sure, I can see him sometimes. I see him flit from one place to the other. But it's always so dark and cold where he is. It's breaking Carlisle and Esme. They don't know how to deal with it… The whole family is… slowly slipping and sliding apart. Edward's just as broken as you are."
I didn't know how to feel. On one level, I was so ecstatic that Edward was as broken as me – did that mean that he was missing me? That Alice was telling the truth and that he'd lied all along? But then I was devastated; the thought of Edward being broken, in cold, dark places, scared me so much.
"Seriously?" I breathed. "I just can't imagine it."
"Esme told me that it's like the time he had his rebellious stage. She's lost her son, and she's not happy. None of us are, Bella. If only Edward wasn't so idiotic and we could all go back to being so happy."
"He has his reasons," I reasoned. I couldn't have Alice insulting him as well as everyone else here.
"Bella, the validation date for his 'reasons' ran out long ago when everyone else but Edward saw how irrational and brainless he was being." Alice paused. "I have to go now, Bella. I… I promised Jasper I wouldn't be long."
Just as I was about to protest, Alice gave me a small smile and said, "I promise I'll come back."
She stood up slowly and handed me the list with the six sharp tips on, six sharp pointers that I needed to complete for my own sanity. And I was determined to complete them.
"Before I go, can you tell me why you have something so awfully scented in your room?" she accused, pointing to both the list and the bracelet with the wolf pendant on my desk where Alice had thrown it.
My face scrunched up in disgust.
"I had a visitor. Jacob Black thought he could waltz in here with a pretty gift and I'd listen to his accusations about you being monsters." I snarled the words and Alice noted that it was a touchy subject.
"Jacob Black?"
"Tall, russet skinned, lives on La Push reservation. His father is friends with Charlie."
"The reservation?" Alice asked, her eyes skimming over in a gazed sense.
"Ah-huh. He, uhm, he claimed to know things about you."
All of a sudden, Alice's eyes seemed to darken a little, turning into thick fudge rather than a beautiful gold. I watched her facial expressions change.
"Alice?"
"Don't worry about it, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow. Take a shower," she reminded with a small smile as she threw herself at me, knocking the breath out of me with her enthusiasm.
And then she seemed to fly out of the room with a graceful presence, and I heard her shout her goodbyes to the unit staff as she exited. Once she'd gone, I did exactly what the list said.
I took a shower, washing every place I could, shaving my legs completely and scrubbing my scalp until it felt perfectly clean and fully refreshed. I showered until the water turned from steaming heat to warm, and I trudged back to my room in my pyjamas.
As I lay in bed, I read through Edward's letter again, but with Alice's list in my hand too. It seemed possible to do now. I wasn't drowning anymore, or at least I could feel the rubber ring around my arms, ready to pull me out.
Alice was definitely strong. She wasn't going to let me fall back in, no matter what it took.
So as I mentally ticked off number one, I added another one to my list too; number one point five. Because when I fell asleep that night, with the scent of Alice still in the room and the promise of a visit tomorrow, I slept a tearless, peaceful sleep.
What are you wonderful people thinking? Is it who you were expecting?
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