I trailed my fingers along the leather spines of journals lining the shelf. Memories flooded my mind, names, faces, tears. Unspoken thoughts screaming at me, unrelenting and unwilling to let me forget. With a heavy sigh my hand drops to my side and I look around once again at the seemingly untouched room.

'I come in and dust once in awhile.' I turn toward the door and find Elena standing just inside the doorway her arms crossed over her chest.

I wander over to my desk and run my hand over the shiny surface. 'Thank you.' It's the first time we've been alone together and the air is instantly heavier. The irrational feeling that the room has suddenly grown smaller overwhelms me.

Shes silent for a long time as she wanders in and looks around. 'I spent a lot of time in here, after you left.' I don't know how to respond to that. She sits on the oak chest at the foot of my bed and leans forward on her knees. She looks up at me expectantly and I realize that the time has come for the talk I'd been dreading for the last five years. With a sigh I lean back against the desk and cross my ankles.

'I'm guessing we're doing this now?' I take solace in the fact that there's a house full of people down stairs.

'You had your chance, don't I deserve the mine?'

I barely restrain from outright laughing, she honestly thought my little outburst yesterday was everything I had wanted to say. I nod and cross my arms over my chest. 'You're right. We both deserve the chance to say our peace.' I gesture for her to continue. 'You go first.'

She seems to understand what I'm saying, that I hadn't even touched on what I wanted to say to her. She looks up at me silently then sits up straight, a gesture I recognize as her readying herself for battle. 'OK. Well first of all, you were wrong.' There's an edge to her voice and I'll admit that of everything I expected to hear, that wasn't it.

I lean forward with a raised eyebrow. 'I'm sorry? What exactly was I wrong about?' I can't keep the edge out of my voice.

'A lot of things.' I sit back, feeling like I've been slapped in the face. 'But for starters, what you said last night.' Tears brim her eyes and I can tell she's struggling to not let them fall. 'My brother is the only family I have left in this world Stefan. So how you can think that I have never fully grasped the situation, is unbelievable to me.'

Well damn.'You're right and I'm sorry.' She is and I am. 'I shouldn't have said that.' She nods while looking down at her hands. There's silence for a long time and I begin to wonder if she's decided to not continue after all. I'm trying to find a polite way of asking whether she's finished or not when she shakes her head again. Her shoulders fall and the stubbornness that was there just a moment ago is now gone.

'You just left.' Her words take me by surprise. When I don't respond she looks up at me and lifts her shoulders. 'After everything, you just walked away without so much as a goodbye.'

'What did you expect me to do? Sit around and pretend like everything was ok? Act like it didn't kill me to see the two of you together?' I snap irritably .

She rises to her feet in a flash, fire blazing in her eyes. 'I expected, that after the hell we'd been through together, that you would think enough of our relationship – of me, to at least say goodbye! I thought I had at least earned that Stefan!' I'm effectively silenced. 'But you just left! I spent months blaming myself for hurting you, for destroying yours and Damon's relationship. Damon spent months looking for you, going out of his mind, blaming himself for whatever you were out there doing. Six months! Six months of not knowing and then one day Caroline just disappears without a word. Then she calls and the only thing she'll say is that she's fine and that she's with you.' Her voice cracks and she takes a second to steady herself. 'And then suddenly all I could keep thinking was, what hadn't I seen? Why would he call her instead of me?'

I understand the meaning in her words and suddenly my irritation is reignited. 'Are you asking me if I cheated on you?'

'Of course not.' She give me a look that reminds me entirely too much of Damon. The look that says, don't be stupid. 'I just couldn't get passed the fact that – you chose her.' The way she says it, she almost sounds hurt and I'm left confused. She sighs and her hand drops tiredly to her side. 'When you needed help Stefan, you called her. You couldn't depend on me. Even as just a friend.' She sits back down with another sigh.' And I'm sorry for that.' All of her energy seems to evaporate, taking my anger with it.

I'd forgotten this feeling. This need to ease her guilt even if it meant taking it on as my own. Tentatively, I sit beside her. 'It wasn't your fault. I let you down. On more than one occasion.'

She shakes her head, a sad smile on her face. 'After everything, you still refuse to accept that not everything wrong in this world is your fault.' I feel shaken by her words, it having been the second time hearing them today. We're both quiet then, she picks up my hand in hers and I lace our fingers together. 'The night I turned.' She looks up at me, see's the question in my eyes. 'That's when it was over, wasn't it?'

I can sense the sadness in her words. She's spent the last five years thinking this was because I couldn't love her as a vampire. With a sigh I shake my head. 'No. Elena.' She looks away, not believing me. 'We – we were over before it ever started.' Her attention snaps back to me and I let go of her hand.

'What?' There's an unmistakable edge to her tone.

'No. I don't mean. You and I … we were … epic.' We both smile a bit at the word. 'But you and Damon, I think that was' I pause trying to find the right words. 'fate.' She looks away with a hint of guilt in her eyes. That nagging feeling to put her mind at ease tugs at my chest yet again. 'It's ok.' She still refuses to look at me so I take her hand again and tug on it gently. She looks over but still refuses to meet my eyes. 'I never could have gotten you through it all Elena. Not the way he did. And nobody but you could have saved him from himself. I knew that from the start. I just, I guess I wasn't willing to accept it. It doesn't mean that what we had wasn't real.' She wipes a falling tear from her cheek and I'm surprised by the tears filling my own eyes.. 'We were a road we both needed to go down to get where we are.' When I finish, I'm left feeling a bit raw. I don't know where the words came from, but from the second I opened my mouth, everything I'd known was true for so long but was to angry and hurt to accept, just came spilling out.

'I really am sorry Stefan.' She sniffles.

I let go of her hand and pull my fingers through my hair. 'Yeah I am too.' She finally meets my eyes. 'I should have said goodbye. You deserved more.' A silence falls over the room, the earlier tension gone. Through the silence the pounding of the music echos around us. 'We should get back down there.' She nods and I stand up. I'm already at the door when she calls my name. I turn and find her still sitting in the same spot.

'I really don't want to but - I need to ask.' Interested I take a step toward her. She clears her throat, her eyes locked on her ring which she's twisting back and forth. 'Why did you call her?' Buying time I walk back over and pull the desk chair over to sit across from her. Leaning forward on my knees I struggle, not for the first time, to remember the moment I'd decided to call Caroline. To remember what was going through my mind at the time. She watches me intently, waiting for my answer. Suddenly she shakes her head and stands up. 'Never mind. Forget I asked.'

'No, wait.' Slowly she sits back down. 'I don't know why.' She doesn't look like she believes me. 'All I know is one second I was … feeding and the next – she's on the phone, telling me she's on her way.' My answer obviously doesn't sate her curiosity. 'But even though I may not know why, I don't regret it. I was falling apart Elena. In the kind of way that only Lexi had ever been able to help come back from.' She looks away and I know she is remembering that night. 'Sometimes, I think that maybe that's what happened. She sent her to me.' There's something in her eyes and it take me a second to catch on. 'To help me. She sent her to help me.'

'To get you through it … in a way I never could.' Again there's something in her eyes as she repeats my earlier words, something I can't understand. 'Do you love her?' She asks curiously and I'm stunned speechless. Before I can answer her attention moves to the door behind me. I turn just as Caroline walks through the door. She looks from me to Elena and back, surprise clear on her face.

'Uh – sorry. I was just' She stumbles over her words.

Elena stands up with a smile. 'It's fine. I better get back down stairs anyway, before Damon eats one of the guests.' Caroline laughs tensely as Elena passes her. Before she leaves she turns toward me with a smile. 'I'll ask you again later.' Then she's gone and the room falls silent.

I can feel her eyes on me as I stand to put the chair back in its place. 'Don't.' I turn to face her and find her in the exact position I expected to. Her hands are in her back pockets and there's a condescending look in her eyes.

She shrugs. 'I didn't say anything.'

'Yeah well you were thinking it.'

She sighs as I try to walk passed her and steps in front of me. 'What are you doing Stefan?'

I can feel her annoyance. 'Nothing. We were just talking.'

'Talking?'

'Yes, talking. You know that thing you like to do so much.' I tease playfully, earning a glare in return.

'Funny. You know what I mean.'

With a sigh I walk back across the room. 'Don't start.'

'Five years Stefan! It took you five years to be able to come back here. ' She walks after me, there's desperation in her voice. 'Don't let her pull you back to that place.'

I turn back, the tone in her voice instantly making me feel guilty. 'She's your friend.'

She sighs in exasperation. 'And I love her. But I also saw what she did to you.'

There's a sense of urgency in her voice now and I take a step toward her. 'There's nothing to be worried about, we were just talking. I promise.'

Her scrutinizing gaze is amusing but I bite back my laugh. 'About what?'

With a groan sit on the edge of my desk crossing my arms and ankles. 'How much I suck.' Lines form at the sides of her eyes and I know she's about to go on the attack. 'How much she sucks. Damon. You.' Her anger is instantly replaced with confusion and she crosses her arms.

'What about me?'

I don't want to tell her, partly because I'm afraid she'll be pissed and partly because I'm to exhausted to calm her down if she is. I know though that really I have no choice, she won't let it go. 'She was just – curious, about why I called you that night instead of her.' I trail off at the end, seeing the storm brewing in her eyes.

'Are you freaking kidding me!' I make a feeble attempt at quieting her down knowing that she's likely to gain the attention of all those in the house that can hear her, namely Damon and Elena. She gives me an incredulous look as I glance at the door. 'I don't care who hears me!'

'Ok I know but can you just' She's seething and I'm afraid that she might actually go down stairs and take her anger out it's intended target. 'Let's just go somewhere else. Ok?' Her gaze cuts to the door and back. She breaths deeply before reluctantly nodding.

We make our way through the crowd, a pissed off Caroline practically growling at anyone who doesn't get out of her way. She doesn't even pause as she glares at Damon who is leaning against the wall beside the door bottle in hand. 'Uh-oh.'

She disappears out the door leaving me behind with his smirking face.

He glances out the door feigning interest. 'Trouble in paradise?'

'Shut up.' I take the bottle from his hand and take a long drink from it.

His features shift just a bit. 'So I guess you're heading out.'

'Yeah.' There's disappointment in his eyes but his smirk is ever-present. ' But uh, I'll see you tomorrow at the Graduation.'

Before he can respond a shriek of girly laughter cuts through the house. Together we make our way toward the living room and together our eyes find Elena. She standing atop the dining room table with four other girls. There's a bottle hanging from her hand and a smile on her face as she dances to the music. I glance at Damon beside me, see the humor in his eyes and can't help but smile. I take one last drink from the bottle before handing it back to him with a clap on the back. He turns to me questioningly

'I'll see you later.' I can feel his eyes following me as I exit the house. When I see Caroline sitting in her car still angry but in less of a murdery way, I smile. Her glare follows me around the car and doesn't deter as I shut the door after me. Knowing better than to laugh I tap the dash-board. 'Lets go.'

'Where?' Her tone is much less angry then she appears to be and I think she is a bit disappointed in herself for not keeping up appearances. Smiling she shakes her head and starts the car her gaze cutting to me as she puts it into reverse. 'Shut up.'


Authors Note:

So, yeah lol ... I'm unsure of how I feel about this chapter. I think I might have been in such a space where I needed to get it written, get the whole Elena conversation over with and guilt over having not updated in a while that I sort of just forced it. That's how I feel at least. Anyway... no excuses for the lack of update ... writers block is an actual reason not and excuse lol Oh! Heads up to all who haven't looked at my profile here's a link to my live journal it just has character and story information on the stories I'm writing, you can check it out if you want ... or not .. .whatever.

In not so unrelated news ... I haven't been watching the show! I went on strike after reading on GetGlue (don't know if anyone else knows what that is but yeah check it out) that Jeremy died! I now have ten episodes on my DVR and the season finale is four days away! I don't know how I'm ever gonna catch up before then or if I even want to ... I'm scared lol Anyway ... opinions? Watch? Don't watch? Monday-Thursday marathon? Wait tell after the finale? Help! lol 3 ya!