Ok, so I'm going to be straight with you here. I've never been in love. You'd think by 24 it would have happened, but nope. Not even the slightly silly, obsessive, lust-filled love of a high school relationship.
I've dated a few guys, but no one who was ever able to infiltrate my rather substantial emotional fortifications.
I don't know why I am the way I am, but I realize I tend to be very closed off. I don't mean to be, it's just the way I've always been.
I joke about my "black heart." I hardly ever cry - never at movies, rarely even at funerals. I don't seem to need or miss people as intensely as others do. And I don't fall in love.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete psychopath. I do have emotions, they're just buried down pretty deep. Which is why I've been totally freaking out about my feelings for Phil.
This is all totally new to me, and to be quite honest, scary as fuck.
I like feeling in control and having the upper hand, but now here is this other person, whom I've barely known for a couple weeks, who holds the power to completely crush me if things don't work out. Like I said, scary.
And it's not that I think Phil would ever do anything to intentionally hurt me like that. But I'm also a realist. People change, things fall apart. You can't force feelings that aren't there.
That's why I've always kind of preferred being the less invested person. It's a position of power. But now I was a little freaked, because there was no way that Phil was further head of heels for me that I was for him. And that's a totally new experience for me.
Still, despite those nagging insecurities in the back of my head, I couldn't deny that I was extremely excited to see Phil again.
During my mini mental freak out, my feet seemed to have carried me to my destination. Once I entered the restaurant, I quickly spied Phil and Jane at a booth towards the back. They waved as I made my way through the crowded restaurant.
At my arrival, Phil stood up, his eyes sparkling as a grin spread over his face. My stomach did a little flip as he reached out to grab my hands to pull me in for a hello kiss.
After a pause just a touch too long, I remembered that there was somebody else at the table.
"Hey Jane! How are you?" I said excitedly, slipping into the rounded booth to sit between her and Phil and leaning in to give her a quick hug.
After pleasantries had been exchanged and I was informed that Dan was on his way, just running late as usual, Phil suggested that we order a bottle of wine for the interim. Obviously, I agreed.
Beyond thinking a glass might calm my nerves a bit, I rather enjoyed tipsy Phil. He was extra affectionate and somehow even more adorable than usual.
Jane was just in the middle of a few anecdotes about Dan's previous horrific awkwardness around her (including one time when he pretended not to notice her sat ahead of him on a bus for 14 stops) when the man himself came flouncing in, looking slightly out of breath and flustered.
"Oh my god," he started, bending down to give Jane a kiss on the cheek before he lifted the strap of his shoulder bag over his head. "Sorry I'm late, but seriously, I think I'm lucky to be alive," he continued dramatically.
"I somehow got on the wrong bus and I ended up way in the wrong part of town. I nearly got stabbed by a gang of chavs whilst I was changing lines."
"Seriously? What happened?" asked Phil sounding concerned.
"Alright, well maybe not nearly," Dan admitted, "but they were definitely the type to have kitchen knives shoved in their jackets."
"Well, I'm glad you're here now. Here, it sounds like you need it," Jane said, offering him a wine glass.
Two pizzas, two bottles of wine and much laughter later, we were still cozied up in our booth, chatting contentedly. We weren't raucously drunk, but wine had definitely relaxed us and I suspected that I was going to feel it once I stood up. For the moment, however, I was happy to be sitting close to Phil, our entwined hands on his lap, smiling as I listened to him and Dan tell stories from a meet-up they had gone to in London.
Jane was similarly positioned, her arm linked with Dan's and her head resting on his shoulder. The look in Dan's eyes when he glanced down at her was absolutely the most precious thing ever, and I was so happy for them.
To be honest, I was pretty happy for me too. I was finally building an awesome group of friends who felt like I'd known them for ages, I had a wonderful an almost-maybe boyfriend (who I'd been crushing on for years – how did that happen?), and even my coursework was going well. It was all a bit surreal, really. I mean, if I you'd asked me to write a story about my dream life six months ago, this was pretty much how I'd want it to go.
Dan and Jane had decided to go out for ice cream after dinner, but Phil and I had headed back to the flat, wanting to give them some alone time. And to get some for ourselves, of course.
Phil was fussing in the kitchen pouring us drinks as I sat atop the breakfast bar, feeling rather tipsy and swinging my legs idly as we chatted.
"...Not everybody's got siblings who date Swedish pop stars, yo-." My teasing tone turned choked as I realized what I'd accidently said.
Oh shit.
Phil turned around to look up at me with a surprised expression.
"I don't think I ever told you that," Phil said slowly, realization dawning.
If I were quicker on my feet, I suppose I could have come up with some bullshit about Dan telling me, but after weeks of putting it off, the truth was out now. It was time to face it. Fuck, he's going to hate me.
"Phil-" I started, desperately attempting to launch into an apology, an explanation, something, but he cut me off.
"What are you, some kind of stalker? This is so not okay. I let you into my house, into my life. I told you about my family. What is this!? Some kind of...psychotic ploy to reveal all of our personal details to the internet? That is way out of line. What did you do, stalk Dan until you cornered him at Starbucks and then knocked into him. God, what a cliché. He should have realized. I should have."
He was getting more worked up as he went on, remember all the details he shared as his imagination supplied all kinds of the most horrible explanations. I slid off the counter to move closer to him, hoping to calm him in some way, but my heart sank as he backed away from me.
"No, it's not like that I swear. I mean, I did know who you are, but-" I fumbled.
"So you admit it!" Phil cut in. "I can't believe you lied to us like that. And for weeks! I don't even think I know who you are."
"No, Phil, please," I tried again, "Just let me-"
"No, Kate," Phil spit back at me. "Seriously, just get out. You need to leave here."
I had never seen Phil so mad. I never could have even imagined it before this moment, and I still couldn't quite believe it..
I felt hot, fat tears rolling down my cheeks as I realized it was all going to end right here, over my stupid pride and my idiotic lie.
"I can't deal with you right now. I don't even know what to believe, but I don't want you in my house," Phil continued. He was calmer now, but his icy tone was just as cutting as the yelling had been.
I didn't even try to say anything else, the sob building up in my throat threatening to escape if I opened my mouth. Not that I even knew what words could fix this. Or if it could be fixed.
So I grabbed my bag and jacket off the sofa, heading quietly for the door.
I glanced back to see Phil's body taut with repressed anger, his face turned away as if he couldn't even bear to look at me.
I held myself together long enough to make my way out of the apartment building, but as soon as I reached the street, I lost it. I sank down on the curb, burying my face in my arms as the tears came faster and my breath hitched in my throat.
I'm sure there were passersby cautiously skirting my crumpled form, looking at me like I was crazy, but I was beyond caring in that moment. I'm not even sure how long I sat there, crying into my hands and thinking of the things I wished I'd done differently.
Eventually I pulled myself together enough to realize that I really should head back to my dorm. I pulled a packet of tissues out of my bag, blowing my nose in a not terribly dainty manner and wiping the last of the tear tracks from my cheeks with the palms of my hands. When I looked up to tie my hair back away from my face, I caught sight of a familiar form in a black jumper heading straight for me.
My shoulders slumped as I momentarily contemplated making a sprint for it. I really didn't think I could handle being shouted at again, even if I probably deserved it.
As Dan neared, I gave him a weak smile as tears began to prick my eyes again.
Thankfully, he didn't look enraged, but he was still a forceful reminder of Phil and the miserable state of affairs between us. I blinked hard, trying to shut that out of my mind for the moment.
"So, I heard what happened," Dan greeted me cautiously. "You know a lot more about us than you let on, huh?"
"Yes," I admitted. "And I am so, so sorry about that. I just panicked, and I honestly never thought I'd see you again. But then I did and you were both so wonderful, and there never seemed to be a good time, and it all just got so out of hand," I apologized in a rush.
Dan held up his hands to slow the onslaught of my rambling.
"Wait, you're not one of those crazy Phan shippers convinced I'm secretly bumming my best friend, are you?" Dan asked, suddenly horror stricken.
"God no," I reassured him. "I just really loved watching your videos. I might have idolized you a bit, but even before I met you, I realized that you were real people with your own lives beyond your YouTube videos. I'm not some crazy stalker, I swear. Which is what I was trying to prove by not fangirling when I first ran into you, except that failed miserably" I deplored.
"And now this looks a million times worse than if I'd just started squealing when I first recognized you. But it's really not, I swear. And now that I do know you, for real, I really don't want to ruin our friendships over this. These have been the best few weeks of my life."
I finished my disjointed speech and looked expectantly at Dan, trying to gauge his reaction.
"It's okay Kate, calm down," Dan said slowly. "I believe that you never meant any harm by it. We've been hanging out long enough that I think we'd've noticed by now if you were sneaking pictures of us in the shower or selling our pants on ebay or something," he joked.
I couldn't help but crack a smile at the idea, massively relieved that Dan, at least, was willing to forgive me.
"I just think Phil is feeling kind of betrayed, seeing as there is a little more at stake than mere friendship," Dan continued, giving me a meaningful look. "He'll realize you're not some crazy fan on a secret reconnaissance mission as soon as he calms down a bit, but his trust in you is going to take some more work to repair."
"I know and I feel so guilty. I should have just been up front from the start. I let my stupid pride get in the way, and now the only guy that I've ever really liked thinks I'm a liar," I lamented, feeling my emotions well up in my chest once again.
"It's gonna be okay. You can fix this," Dan comforted me. "Give him a little time to cool down, then just talk to him. Explain what happened and reassure him that everything else was real. You're a good person Kate, and you and Phil are good together. He'll come around."
"Thank you so much, Dan. For not being mad, for listening to me moan, and...and just everything, really," I said looking up at him. "You're not too bad yourself," I finished sniffily, smiling again.
As he hugged me, I started to feel like maybe I could actually fix this mess and like Phil might not be lost to me forever.
A/N I know this chapter got a bit dodgy in the middle, but I've spent ages and haven't been able to come up with anything better, so I decided it was better this than nothing. The conflict of Kate's lie about recognizing Dan coming back to haunt her was my original inspiration for this story, so hopefully it doesn't seem too forced. Also, I couldn't come up with a great way for her to out her secret, so just pretend it makes sense - the truth coming out and its repercussions are more important than the howanyway. (I think. I hope?) I'd love to hear your thoughts!
