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Eight: A Thoughtful Gesture
"Light, you've only been here for one week... and I'm sure it can't be easy. Are you feeling all right?"
Feeling all right? Is he serious? I braced myself. Now that I've come this far, I think it's about time. I had to phrase this correctly. "Yeah... I know I must look pretty bad in here. But this useless pride... I suppose I'll have to... get rid of it."
Ryuk, who had been in one of his weird contortionist's headstands, instantly uttered a low "Huh?" as he came out of his stupor. He uncoiled himself and got right-side-up again. After a short silence, he said "Got it."
In my peripheral vision, I saw him walking slowly toward the wall. I wonder if this is what it's like when you know you're about to die. Nothing is waiting for me. I'll lose these memories. I'll lose such a huge part of who I am... I can only hope L won't think I've changed too much. Just the right amount.
"Later," Ryuk called back to me.
This is it. Soon I won't remember even these thoughts. It's a little unnerving. But I can't lose my nerve now. I can't...
I can't... Can't what? What was I thinking? I tried hard to remember for a moment. The thought had flown right out of my head. I was tired and in pain, but normally my concentration wasn't so bad.
Why am I in so much pain? I looked around my cell. Why am I alone? Why... did I agree to this? Why did I suggest it?! I have to tell them this was a mistake.
"Ryuzaki... I realize that I was the one pushing for confinement, and that I asked you to put me in here, but I just realized something important—this whole thing's completely pointless! Because I'm not Kira! You have to get me outta here!"
"I can't do that. I promised you that no matter what you said, I wouldn't let you out until I was convinced that you are not Kira." He sounded so mechanical. Heartless, really. All detective.
I decided to try appealing to him as a detective and used his initial alias for my next attempt. "Please, L. I wasn't thinking clearly. Do you really think a serial killer like Kira could commit those crimes without being aware of them? If I have no memory of his crimes, I'm not him!"
"I've never been able to accept this idea that Kira was acting without self-awareness all this time. But that doesn't change the fact that all the evidence points to you being Kira. Since we imprisoned you, Kira hasn't committed a single murder."
"Listen... Just hear me out. I swear to you, I'm not lying! You have to believe me. I am not Kira! ...I must have been framed," I said desperately. "That's the only explanation for this! You have to let me out; we're wasting time!"
"We can't let you out yet."
I let my head drop forward in frustration. "Damn! Why is this happening?"
Ryuzaki didn't answer. I tried to get him to talk a few more times, but eventually gave up. I sat on my cot again and stared straight in front of me. Somehow this all felt worse now. Maybe it was just because with every passing day the evidence against me became stronger, but hearing Ryuzaki reject my honest declarations had a devastating effect on my morale... and my ego, if I'm honest.
He said he didn't want me to be Kira because I was his friend. Now it's like he does want me to be Kira. He's already lost all confidence in me. Apparently friendship doesn't mean that much to him.
For some reason, I thought about him feeding me strawberries and how flustered I'd gotten over it. What was that about, anyway? Damn him, he's messing with me on every level. I bet he's not even trying to find the real Kira anymore.
I had thought things would get a little better, getting the handcuffs off now and then, and getting a little conversation, but now that I was sure the task force was convinced I was a killer, everything seemed hellish. There would be no relief until they decided to execute me. Then if Kira ever started killing again, they'd have to start over, and if my father hadn't done something drastic already, he'd probably do it when they had to admit to my innocence.
Dad... What must this be doing to him? I felt like crying, but I wasn't going to give Ryuzaki the satisfaction. I was starting to hate him, but at the same time I still wanted him to come down to the cell. I needed to see him face to face so I could try one more time to convince him I wasn't his enemy.
He did come a little later, but I scarcely had the heart to talk to him by then. I did hope to say something that would sway him, though what, I didn't know. I stood up as he got close to the cell.
"Stay away from the door," he said, pointing at me.
Wow. He really didn't trust me at all. I sat on the edge of the cot. "I'm not going to try to escape... that would be totally pointless. But I had hoped... you might let me out."
"I told you I can't do that."
I could tell he wasn't going to be persuaded and it was extremely frustrating. I looked away from him.
"I brought you clean clothes... And a warm breakfast."
"I'm not hungry."
"I find that hard to believe. You didn't have much for dinner, and you're getting very thin."
"I feel sick."
I suddenly felt his clammy hand on my forehead. "You don't have a fever."
I jerked away. "Just leave me alone." Geez.
"Light... I think after this I should let Watari bring you your meals and such."
What was that about? Did he think he was skewing the results somehow? Or did he think I was manipulating him? It was ridiculous. But then I started to think about what it would be like if he went through with this idea. I turned back toward him. "No... please, don't do that." I probably sounded pathetic.
"No? Why not?"
"I... it's bad enough I have to get undressed in front of one person... It'll be twice as bad if it's two people."
"Is that really such a concern?"
"Besides... you said I was your friend," I reminded him. I don't know why I still expected him to have a heart.
"That's exactly why I shouldn't be doing this. I thought I could remain completely objective, but... I'm afraid even I may have some bias."
"Please... you're annoying sometimes, but at least I get a little intelligent conversation from you. Without that, I'll go completely crazy in here."
"Watari is quite an intelligent conversationalist."
Sure, for an old guy. "I'm sure he is, but... he's not exactly in my peer group."
"That's one way of putting it." He sighed. I couldn't tell if I was getting through to him or not. "Let's get you into clean clothes, shall we? Maybe you'll be hungry after."
And he had no intention of letting me know. Frustration again. "Fine."
Ryuzaki put me through this strange, twisting dance to get me out of one shirt and into another. I put up with the whole thing, but I just couldn't move on without saying something. "I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous."
"Hm?"
I pointed out how unnecessary the ritual was, and in the end, he agreed to uncuff me to change shirts in future, and to continue feeding me himself.
Then he surprised me by adding, "I suppose I can uncuff you to relieve yourself as well."
I sighed. Maybe he did have a heart after all. "Thank you." I decided I could eat a little breakfast after all.
It was pretty much a morning of boredom and depression that day. I couldn't figure out why, but before I came to my senses, the time seemed to pass a little more quickly. Now it dragged.
Finally, Ryuzaki brought my lunch and something new.
"When we began this," he told me, "your father told your mother and sister that you were embarking on an Interpol internship, and that for much of the time you would not be allowed to have your cell phone for security reasons."
"That makes sense," I said. "I bet they're really proud thinking that's why I'm gone." What a joke.
"Still, I'm sure they miss you, and I thought you might like to send them a postcard." He held up the postcard for me to look at. It displayed the Tokyo skyline.
I wanted to say something scathing, but I did miss my family, and I knew it would mean a lot for them to hear from me. I knew he probably wouldn't let me say whatever I wanted, for fear I might put something... Kira... hidden in the message. "What should I say?"
"Oh, something like, 'I'm learning a lot about cooperation between countries in the field of law enforcement and I miss you very much... Expect me to do extra studying to make up for the classes I missed when I get home...' Stuff like that."
I eyed him critically. "Have you ever written a postcard before?"
"Mm... a couple. But not to my family."
I didn't know what to think of that. It sounded like he had a family somewhere, but that was just an implication. Maybe he hadn't written to them because they had died when he was young, or because he was estranged from them. I tried to picture a combination of parents that would produce something like the odd figure feeding me my breakfast. It seemed impossible.
"Well, I think I can write something convincing."
"Good."
All in all, I decided that this counted as a thoughtful gesture on Ryuzaki's part. He certainly didn't have to allow me any communication with my family.
He chained my left hand to the rolling cart before putting a pen in my right. It was the first thing other than clothing or toilet paper that I'd been able to hold since my confinement. Its familiarity was comforting, but it also made me wonder if I was starting to lose grip strength from not holding anything. I'd probably lost a fair bit of muscle mass in the last week. If this went on, I'd be in very poor shape by the time... if I ever were released.
I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind and prepared to write.
Dear Dad, Mom and Sayu,
I haven't been able to call, so I thought I'd drop you a note. I'm learning a lot about Interpol, which I won't be able to tell you! I'll have some classes to make up when I'm home, but everything is going well. Don't worry about Misa—once this mess with her manager is cleared up, she'll be performing again. I'll write again if I get the chance.
~Light
Ryuzaki looked the message over carefully. "Nice touch mentioning Misa. They've probably been wanting to ask you about her."
I nodded. "Satisfied that I haven't put any coded evil messages into it?"
"I've figured that in as a calculated risk. If you are Kira but not aware of it, you might have unconsciously coded in a message... but that would imply that your mother or sister is similarly controlled, and... I find that idea highly unlikely."
"Really?" I asked dryly.
"I'd estimate less than a two percent chance."
"So generous."
He unfastened the handcuff from the cart and bound my arms behind me again as he said, "I'm not a very good target for sarcasm, you know. Even when I catch it, it rarely appeals to my sense of humor."
"I've noticed. I guess it's more for my own amusement. I'm bored, as I'm sure you must know."
"Yes..." He looked around the cell. "I'm sure you are with so little stimulation, but you do have a keen intellect, so that ought to keep you sane for quite some time."
"I'd rather be cleared. Not that I want Kira to kill more people... but his pushing the blame onto me is really unfair."
"That's still your best theory? You've been framed by the real Kira?"
I sighed. "Maybe it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I haven't thought of anything else that holds up even that well, so I've decided that has to be it. Process of elimination."
"Maybe there's something we've both missed."
I looked up at him. What was that...? "Are you saying you think I might be innocent after all?"
"No," he said slowly. "I'm saying there's still some information we're missing, and it could shed a different light on things... so to speak. That's all."
"I guess I should take what I can get."
He gathered the breakfast dishes to one side of the cart, away from the postcard. "Anything else before I go?"
I wanted him to stay longer, but there wasn't any real reason for it. I shook my head.
"Very well. Just get someone's attention if you need something."
By "something," I was sure he meant using the toilet and nothing else. I just nodded.
After locking the cell door behind him, Ryuzaki looked back at me. "I did mean it, by the way... when I said you were my friend. Even now, I don't want you to be Kira."
He sounded sincere enough. "But you still think I am."
He shrugged and started walking away. "That's what the evidence says."
I couldn't contradict him.
I kind of miss Ryuk. xp Thanks for reading and please comment!
