Author's Note: Next chapter...finally! :) I am sorry that it took me so long to write this. I actually ended up having to back and revise my original plot outline for this story, but I think it's going to work far better now. Hopefully, the next chapter won't take so long to write. :) In the mean time, I hope this was worth the wait.
I do not own Final Fantasy VIII or any of its characters.
Thank you to everyone who is reading/following/favoriting/reviewing this. That and your patience are always appreciated. :)
KeyOfNostalgia: Thanks for the review, as always. Well, I won't say upfront which way that this fic is going to go, but I'm thrilled that you are willing to go along for the ride either way. :) I hope that you will enjoy this chapter and that you will like how this works out in the end.
DegenPrincess: Thanks for the review. Yes, this are looking dark right now, but the mood will shift some in this chapter. Hope you enjoy it.
Pinkperson: First off, thanks for the review. I'll admit that I was often nervous to write Laguna/Raine scenes when I first tried it out, but I must admit that the more I do it, the easier and more fun it gets. :) So I am glad that you enjoyed that and the basic storyline so far. As for not caring as much for my OCs, I can get that. I'm often wary of too many of them being in a fic myself, and while I can promise that they will never be the main focus of one of my stories, I can't say they are going away for two reasons: 1. Sometimes they serve a plot function (villain, potential rival love interest, etc) and thus are needed in that capacity and 2. Sometimes, I like to explore other sides of what I consider to be underutilized characters in canon, such as Kiros and Ward. Thus, they sort of serve a plot purpose, but also a fleshing out a character purpose, if that makes sense. :) Anyway, OCs aside, I hope you can enjoy this chapter and the balance of this fic as well.
Chapter Eight
Back at the Palace, Squall and Rinoa were silent as they sat next to each other on the bed in their room.
As soon as they got back to the ships, Kiros sent the one that had brought Laguna to Winhill on its way and they all took the Ragnarok back to Esthar.
The trip back had been a quiet one with Kiros and Ward continuing to tend to an unconscious Laguna, and Squall and Rinoa holding hands while staring out at the night sky rushing past them. When they landed at the Airstation, a transport was waiting for them, but Squall was surprised to see no medical staff at hand.
"Laguna kept this to himself for a reason," Kiros had told him. "And we need to find out what that reason was before getting anyone else involved."
Thus, they all traveled back to the Palace with little fanfare. Once they arrived, Kiros and Ward immediately took Laguna, who was just starting to regain consciousness, back to his quarters.
"Squall, I can't imagine what you're going through right now," Kiros had said to him. "And I know you want answers, but I'm asking you to let me and Ward talk to him first. I promise to keep you updated if anything comes up."
After that, Kiros went to follow Ward back to his father's rooms, and Squall let Rinoa guide him back to the guest room they were sharing. Squall sat down at the foot of the bed and watched the moon while Rinoa settled in beside him and put her arm around his waist. They stayed that way for a long time until Rinoa finally broke the silence.
"Thank Hyne that we found Laguna when we did," she said. "I can't believe how hateful those people were in that village. Honestly, Laguna's one of the sweetest people I've ever met. How could they be so cruel to him?"
"Small-town mentality, I guess," Squall shrugged. "When you're isolated from the world like that, it's easier to immediately distrust outsiders and push them away rather than risk getting to know them."
"But he hasn't lived there in years," Rinoa said. "I guess I can't understand why someone would hold a grudge for so long. Especially when he didn't do anything wrong in the first place. He was just trying to help."
"Not everyone wants help," Squall said. "At least, not from someone they don't know or don't trust. Sadly, Laguna doesn't always seem to know when to curb that altruistic tendency of his. And as for why they held onto that hate for so long…I don't think it's that strange."
"You don't?"
"No," Squall replied. "Haven't you seen the look Laguna gets in his eyes when he talks about Adel? It's been years and yet he still gets mad when he thinks about the horrible things she did. Or what about you? You're still angry about things your father did. And that Seifer did, right? Has the passage of time made any of that go away?"
"That's different," Rinoa insisted. "Yeah, I still have issues with my father, but it wasn't just one thing. It was a lot of things. And as for Seifer…well he tried to kidnap me and let Adel absorb me. I know I should try to let it go, but I…I don't know if I can. Does that make me like them?" Squall sighed and shook his head.
"No, I don't think you're like them," he said. "And I'm not saying that they were right either. I just…I just think I understand why they did what they did is all."
"Does that make it easier?" Rinoa asked him. "Understanding it?"
"I don't know if 'easier' is the word I'd use," Squall said, frowning. "But I guess you could say that it's better than stuff happening that doesn't make any sense at all."
"As opposed to there being no reason in the world and everything being random," Rinoa said, nodding. "Yes, I can see why that would be better. I just wish the world worked that way more often."
Squall shrugged his shoulders and looked down at the carpet. Rinoa watched him for a long moment before reaching for his hand.
"Are you thinking about your father?" she asked him. "Don't worry. The best doctors in the world are in Esthar. I'm sure that they'll be able to help him."
"Rinoa, do you know what Tze-Barre disease is?" Squall asked her. "Or what it's like?"
"I don't know much about it," she confessed. "But I have heard that it is possible to be cured from it. My father is friends with a general who has a daughter who had it. It was tough, but they were able to save her."
"That's far from the norm," Squall said. "Everything I've heard about it said that most people die from it in a year or two and that only an extremely small percentage recover."
"But there's still a chance, right?" Rinoa said. "Even if it's a one-in-million chance, that's still better than nothing. Besides, Laguna has been really lucky in the past. Maybe he will be again."
"He's been very unlucky too," Squall pointed out. "So it's equally possible that his luck will run out. And even if you're right, even if they do find a way to cure him, that doesn't change what will happen to him in the near future. Kiros told me about what he knew about Tze-Barre on the way to Winhill. And from what he said what we saw Laguna going through tonight will only get worse. It's also only a matter of time before other things start to happen, like memory loss."
Squall moved his hand away from hers and grabbed the edge of the mattress, clenching it tightly.
"What if…what if he stops being…him?" Squall said. "What if he wakes up one day…and he isn't Laguna anymore? What if he forgets about being president or about Sis or Raine or…or…?"
"Or you?" Rinoa said softly. "Squall, maybe I don't know much about this disease, but something tells me that he'd never forget you. And no matter what, a part of him will always be the same Laguna he's always been. I just know it."
"How can you be so sure?" Squall asked her.
"It's not something I totally explain with words," she said. "It's more like…. Haven't you every felt something, something in your heart, that you just knew had to be true? Didn't you ever have a feeling or an intuition that made everything else fall in place, even if you couldn't really explain why you had it?"
"I…I don't know," Squall said hesitantly. "There's really not much room for personal feelings or intuition in SeeD."
"Well…what about when you rushed out into space to save me right after the Lunar Cry," Rinoa said. "Didn't you just have a feeling that it would work out?"
"Truthfully, I didn't think that far ahead," Squall confessed. "All I knew is that I had to be there…with you."
Rinoa smiled and snuggled up closer to him.
"Ok, but what about after that?" she said. "When you rescued me from the Sorceress' Memorial. Weren't you sure that it would all work out in the end and we could stay together somehow?"
Squall frowned and was about to repeat what he had said earlier, but then it suddenly occurred to him that she had a point. Even though it had seemed reckless and not planned out in the least, Squall soon came to the conclusion that, somewhere in the back of his mind, he had been confident that he could think of a solution so that Rinoa would not have to be sealed away. While it was happening, Squall hadn't had time to formulate a long term plan. But now that he could reflect on it, he could see that there was no logical, rational reason for him to take the actions that he did.
"Maybe you're right," he finally mumbled. "But still, I…"
Squall clasped his hands together and Rinoa cocked her head quizzically.
"It's not fair," he said. "I had to grow up without a father just because other people wanted to have their revenge…and then I finally find out about him, finally get to have a family. But just when I get to know him and have a chance to start over, this happens and I…I'm going to lose him again."
Squall ground his jaw, frustrated and miserable. He knew that he sounded like a child who was whining when things didn't go his way, but that did not change his feeling that he had been cheated somehow, that life was snatching away one of the best gifts he had ever gotten before he had been fully able to appreciate it.
Rinoa wrapped her arms around him and held him close. Squall hated how emotional he was becoming, but couldn't stop the sorrow and fear from welling up inside him.
"It's not fair," he whispered. "It's not…."
Unable to say anything else, Squall turned and held Rinoa close to him, determined to make sure that he could at least hold onto her.
Back in Laguna's quarters, both Kiros and Ward stared at Laguna, who was sitting on the couch, their arms crossed over their chests. Neither one of them had figured that it would be easy to get Laguna to talk about the things that were bothering him.
But they also hadn't expected him to be completely silent either.
Thus, the three of them remained locked in a tense quiet for several minutes, Laguna tugging at a loose thread at the corner of one of the couch cushions, and Kiros and Ward standing across from him, waiting for some kind of acknowledgement.
Finally unable to stand it any longer, Ward walked forward, a stern look on his face.
"…."
"I know, I know," Laguna said with a sigh. "I know I'm not supposed to leave Esthar without someone accompanying me. I just…I needed some time to myself. I thought you guys understood that."
"You know we do," Kiros said. "But you need to understand how it is for us. This isn't the first time recently when you've run off and hid things from us. What about after the incident at the Sorceress' Memorial? Or when you left without any warning to take care of Squall when he got sick? And now this."
Kiros knelt down in front of Laguna and put a hand on his shoulder.
"We're not trying to control your life or take away your privacy," he continued. "We're your friends. We just want to help, to keep you safe and happy."
Kiros clasped Laguna's shoulder even more and leaned forward.
"We don't want you to suffer," he said softly. "So please, talk to us."
Laguna shook his head, and for a moment Kiros thought that he was going to continue to evade them when suddenly Laguna jumped to his feet and backed away from them.
"You don't want me to suffer," Laguna said, his tone harsh and strangely off-key. "But you also expect me to just smile all the time and continue to be the same pathetic fool you've had to put up with for all these years."
"…."
"Ward's right," Kiros said. "We never…."
"Never what?" Laguna replied. "Never expected me to care about all the times you treated me like an idiot? Never expected me to get tired of being made fun of and brushed aside my thoughts and ideas? Never thought that I would get tired of the mask I have to wear all the time?"
Laguna's shoulders slumped down, his head drooping toward the floor.
"Laguna Loire, Esthar's Clown in Charge," he said. "I know that's what you think of me and it's what Squall thinks. I know you get tired of all the mistakes I make and are embarrassed by the way I screw up when I talk. I…I keep thinking that, one day, you'll get so sick of it, you'll finally walk away. These days, when I look at you, or at Squall, I wonder: 'is this going to be the day when they decide that I'm not worth the hassle?'. I get so scared because…because…."
Laguna's shoulders started to shake, his breaths coming out in gasps. Kiros stood up and took a step toward him, but Laguna backed away again.
"I don't want to lose anyone else," Laguna said, his voice cracking. "I lost Elle and then Raine and then I lost Squall for a long time. I…I just can't…. And I guess, I, I thought that it'd be better if I just kept smiling and hiding all this stuff inside me."
"You didn't have to do that," Kiros insisted. "If you had told us, we would have…."
"Don't you see? That's the problem," Laguna retorted, finally lifting his head. "You'd feel sorry for me and try to make it better. You and Ward, you always try to soften the blow for me, try to protect me, go along with every plan I come up with. And for what? So you can almost get killed more than once? Tell me Kiros, how did you feel about spending a whole year searching for me? Or maybe I should ask Ward how he feels about being led by a moron who constantly gets lost and gets into the worst possible situations. Oh wait, that's right. I can't because he can't speak anymore…all because I screwed up again."
Tears finally slid out of his eyes and he hiccupped a couple times before speaking again.
"Sometimes I…I just wish it would all end," he choked out. "I'm tired of being the idiot in the room, tired of working for hours upon hours every day and having nothing to show for it. I…I'm tired of being alone. So…when I found out about this, this…from my doctor, I guess I thought that maybe this was it: that it was time to pay for all the misery I've caused for all the people who got close to me."
Laguna looked away and bowed his head.
"I…I even thought that maybe…maybe I shouldn't wait around for this disease to take everything from me," he whispered. "That maybe I should…."
"Laguna," Kiros breathed, horrified at what he was hearing. "Is that why you went to Winhill tonight? Because you were thinking of…?" Laguna turned away from him even more, and Kiros knew that he had an answer to his unspoken question. Then Kiros shivered, terrified at how close he had been to losing his commander, his friend, his brother, before reciting a short, silent prayer of gratitude that Laguna had not followed through with his plan.
Kiros glanced over at Ward, and he could tell that Ward felt the same sorrow and regret he did and also wished he could do something to ease Laguna's suffering. The two of them shared a look and nodded before walking over to Laguna, each of them gently taking hold of one of his arms and guiding him back to the couch before sitting down on either side of him.
"Laguna, you are not a fool," Kiros said. "Far from it. Maybe you don't always find the right words when you speak, but you have a real gift with them when you write. The two of us and many others have seen this first-hand when we read your work. And maybe you do act a bit impulsively at times, but you also act with far more courage, compassion and forgiveness than most people in this world. On top of that, you are wise when it comes to people and to the heart, Laguna. No matter what the situation, you are able to see and understand the heart and soul of a person, even if they try to keep themselves hidden. As for Esthar, these people get the security of knowing that they can live their lives as they choose and don't have to worry about an evil sorceress taking everything away from them. Believe me when I say that the people Esthar do not think that you've worked all these years for nothing. You gave this country a new life and hope for the future."
Kiros reached over and rubbed Laguna's back, relieved that he had stopped crying and appeared to be listening.
"Sure, there have been hard times," Kiros said. "But it's not as if we're keeping score. Besides, even if we did, Ward and I would have to account for the fact that you risked your life to save ours many times and that the both of us have gained far more from knowing you than we have ever lost."
Ward nodded and patted Laguna's shoulder a couple times so he would look up at him. Then Ward smiled even though his eyes remained stern and serious.
"…."
"How can you say that?" Laguna said, shaking his head. "Don't you miss being able to talk? I know every time I see you, I think about that day and wish I had…."
Ward shook his head, his expression becoming more somber.
"…."
"Exactly," Kiros nodded. "As soldiers, we knew what the risks were every time we went out into the field. If it hadn't been Centra, it could have been any of the other battles that we faced during our careers in the army. And the same went for you. What we're saying, Laguna, is that we're happy: our lives have meaning and purpose and we've found much to fill them. But we also want the same for you."
Laguna swiped at his face, and Kiros handed him a tissue to he could blow his nose.
"As for Raine…I didn't get a chance to live with her as long as you did, but I know she loved you," Kiros said. "We talked about it a couple times, and I can tell you that she was happier than she had ever been with you in her life. The same goes for Ellone. She loves you, Laguna. I wish you could have seen how overjoyed she was when she arrived in Esthar after years adrift on that boat, knowing that she would finally get to see you again. Not too long ago, she told me that a significant part of the reason why she tried to change the past was so that you could be happy."
Kiros leaned toward Laguna and tapped his forearm so that he would look him in the eye.
"And the same is also true for Squall," he said. "Maybe he isn't as forthcoming about it as Ellone, but he clearly cares about you. More than once, he has inquired about the security measures we use here at the Palace to keep you safe and often wants to be updated whenever you travel. He's also been terribly worried about you over this weekend and keeps asking about what he should do. He does these things because you're his father and he loves you. He wants you in his life…as do the rest of us."
Laguna started to look down into his lap, but Kiros put his hand back on his shoulder and nudged him to look into his eyes.
"But most of all, both Ward and I want to say that we're sorry," Kiros said. "We are so sorry, Laguna if we made you feel like you were alone or as if you weren't wanted or appreciated. The fact is, we all rely on you far more than you might think and are grateful that you have such a generous heart. Many people who face even half of the hardships you have would probably curl up and hide themselves away, refusing to risk anything for someone else. Instead, you continue to remain positive, move forward and give as much as you can to help others."
Kiros smiled at him warmly and was happy when the shadows of grief finally started to dissipate from Laguna's eyes.
"Don't you see, Laguna?" he said. "You are not a pathetic fool. The truth is, you are actually the strongest one of us all."
Kiros patted his arm one last time and sat up, waiting for Laguna's response. Laguna stared at Kiros and then Ward for a long moment before he moved to lean against Kiros, who immediately drew him in for a brief embrace. Afterward, Ward gave him one as well and once it was over, Laguna sat up and sniffed.
"Thank you," he murmured. "And I'm sorry that I kept all this from you."
"…."
"And I forgive you too," Kiros nodded. "We just ask that you stop trying to deal with this on your own. We want to help you get through this."
"Thanks, but it's not like there's much for me to get through," Laguna said, bowing his head again. "I mean, you guys know what the doctor said. It's not like I have a whole lot of time left anyway. Really, what should we do now?"
Kiros reached over and clasped Laguna's shoulder again.
"What do we do now?" Kiros said, his tone firm. "The same thing we always do, Laguna: we fight. We fight for you. Ward and I are not going to stand by and do nothing while watching you die. I did some research on Tze-Barre while on route back to the Palace, and I see now that it is far from a straightforward disease. Not everyone is affected by it the same way, and apparently, it's possible to slow the progression somewhat by following specialized diet and medicine regimens. Plus, there are many treatment options out there to try to cure it and new discoveries in that area are being made all the time. We're going to investigate all of this and then keep searching until we find something that works."
Kiros put another hand on Laguna's other shoulder and gripped them tightly.
"I promise that we're all going to do everything we can to help you beat this," he said. "But we're going to need your help too. Fight with us, Laguna. Use the strength we know you have and don't give up."
Laguna nodded at him and grabbed at one of Kiros' hands.
"I will," he whispered. "I promise. But I…I'm scared, Kiros. I…."
Kiros guided Laguna to lean against him and Ward put his hand back on Laguna's shoulder. Kiros and Ward shared a look, both of them aware that they could be facing a long, agonizing battle.
But it was also a battle that they were determined to win.
