Denial is amazing thing. It can keep you from facing things that hurt, things that your brain just isn't ready to deal with. Denial, can keep us going when everything else face. It may not be healthy but sometimes it's needed, sometimes it's required. The thing about denial is, at some point it begins to fade, and realization slowly becomes to seep in. When that happens, when it becomes too hard to pretend anymore? That's when things get complicated.
Meredith grabbed her sister's arm as she caught her heading toward the cafeteria, "Maggie." She spoke.
"Oh hey Mer,"
"Hey," Meredith spoke bluntly. "Care to tell me why the second I walked in this morning with Alex, we both got screamed at?"
"Oh gosh," Maggie frowned. "I was looking for you this morning, and when I saw you weren't in your bed I went downstairs, and well…."
"Nothing?"
"Nothing."
"Look, I tried to make it back upstairs before Amelia got out of the shower but she saw the two of you too. He was spooning you Mer, and it looked like something had happened," She frowned. "I didn't think much of it because Amelia has been joking about the two of you but she flipped out."
Meredith dropped her head, "I had a dream about Lexie and Derek, that they were there, and they talked to me, and when I woke up…"
"Oh," Maggie frowned. "You couldn't sleep."
"No, so I went downstairs and was just watching television with Alex and we fell asleep."
"Are you okay?" Maggie asked touching her arm. "Dreams like that can be tough."
"Wait…" Meredith spoke, "You believe me?"
Maggie shrugged, "Sure, why wouldn't I?"
Meredith let out a breath, "I could hug you right now, but I won't, because yeah, I just won't," She smiled. "But how does Jo know? She ran past us fuming, and now she swears something has been going on for awhile."
Maggie frowned, "She overheard Owen trying to calm Amelia down. He was taking your side apparently, or at least telling Amelia you had a right to move on, especially in your own house. I was going to text you and warn you but I've had one emergency after another this morning…"
"It's fine, I just have to fix this now," Meredith groaned. "I just don't want people thinking I've gone back to all inappropriate or whatever."
"Look, I've heard a lot of stories about who you were before," Maggie smiled, "But I don't know that Meredith, I know this one, and even if I don't understand your relationship with Alex, I get that he's your anchor. The thing is, when you do decide it's time to move on, I can't think of anyone better suited for you than him."
"But.."
"I have to go, if I plan to eat anything today this is my window," Maggie sighed. "But I believe you okay?"
"Thanks."
"Yeah," Maggie nodded.
"No, Maggie, seriously, thank you." Meredith spoke with a tiny smile.
Alex knew following Jo was a bad idea, he knew it in the pit of his stomach, knew it in his head, but he followed anyway. Why should he stop doing dumb things now, it was just who he was. With a groan he followed her into a on call room, and frowned and she turned to face him.
"What are you doing?" She yelled. "Shouldn't you be chasing after Meredith?"
"Probably but I'm here anyway," he shrugged. "Look whatever you think happened, it didn't, and it never has."
"I heard Dr. Shepherd talking about what she saw!" Jo fumed. "I knew it, I knew it all a long but you kept swearing it wasn't true, and I listened like a idiot."
"It wasn't true, it's not true now." Alex groaned. "I never cheated on you with Meredith,not that it's your business but we're not doing anything now."
"So you weren't cuddling in bed with her this morning? Cuddling Alex? You hate to freakin' cuddle!"
"Yes!" Alex frowned, "She slept downstairs with me last night, and I guess that's how we ended up, I don't know I was asleep! But nothing happened."
"So what, she just sleeps in your bed now?" Jo asked.
Alex felt his temper rising, "She had a freakin' dream about her dead sister and husband!" He yelled, "She dreamed they were there, and she was with them and then woke up in a cold dark room all alone and had to face the fact that they were gone all over again. Do you know what that's like? Do you? Because I don't and I can't imagine it. So yeah, she had a dream and woke up all shook up and came down stairs! She was shaking when she got there, crying and shaking and just wanting five more seconds with her husband and sister! That's why she was there, that's what happened!" He shouted.
"I…." Jo spoke stepping back.
"What? Want to accuse me of something else? Our breakup wasn't about me, our breakup was about you and your screwed up issues. Believe it our not I've dealt with most of mine," Alex fumed.
"So you've never slept with Meredith?"
"No." Alex groaned.
"Yet?" Jo asked. "Because it's probably just a matter of time."
"And if I do, we're over Jo, you made that clear when you turned me down."
"Amelia saw her though…"
"Look," he frowned. "She crawls in bed with me sometimes, when the silence is too much, when she smells her husbands scent or remembers the way her sister used to laugh. Sometimes when she keeps Sofia and she sees her smile or watches her play with Zola, it's too much, and we sit outside all night while she wonders when Sofia and Zola will forget about their fathers. That's our lives Jo, that's the life Meredith lives everyday."
"I'm sorry." Jo swallowed. "I didn't know."
"When she's here, she's strong and fearless, but at home she's a mother that has to face the fact that her youngest daughter never met her father, and her son will never remember him. You don't know her Jo, you don't get it at all. She tells her kids stories about their dad every night, and then she stares out into the darkness after they go to bed. She needs me, and you know what I need her! She's here, she stayed, and I stayed too, and we get each other, all the screwed up, messed up ways our brains think, we get it. She needs me, they need me."
"I….wow."
"I tried to tell you, over and over when we were together I tried to show you what she was going through but you didn't care. Meredith is the only person that gets me, she's never gave up on me, even when she should have, she was there. I will never turn my back on her either."
"Don't you find it odd, that if need be, you'd choose her over everyone? That if it came down to it, you'd pick Meredith and those kids over anyone in your life? Including me? Seriously Alex, you're not stupid, think about it. Fine, you never cheated on me with Meredith, but I don't think you have any idea just how deep in this you really are."
Alex rolled his eyes, "You can't ever let that go can you? You're the one that can't commit but It's always about me and Mer."
"Because that's where you want to be, with Meredith, and her kids, taking them to ballet or dances or whatever else."
"Yeah, that's why I bought a freakin' ring, that's why I wanted to have kids, and a dog with you, because that's where I want to be?"
"You help her all the time."
"Just like Callie, and the sisters, and even Hunt? We all do those things, we all pitch in."
"But you're the one she just can't seem to live without," Jo frowned. "Seriously, that goes both way though doesn't it."
Alex started to speak but Jo pushed past him storming out of the room, as the door slammed shut with a large thud. Sighing he ran his hand through his hair and pulled the door open, almost running in to Ben and Jackson.
"Sorry man we didn't know you were in there," Ben spoke.
"It's fine." Alex shrugged.
"You okay?" Ben asked.
"What's it like not to have to deal with crazy women all the time?" Alex groaned. "Seriously tell me."
Ben let out a laugh, "You do realize I'm married to Miranda don't you?"
"And April…" Jackson grinned.
"Okay, multiple crazy women," Alex sighed.
"I also have my mother…" Jackson shrugged. "So ask Ben about that one."
Alex rested his back against the wall, "My life is seriously screwed up."
Ben chuckled, "Yeah, I've heard some rumors."
"None of them are true," Alex groaned. "Not that anyone in this place believes me." He shrugged. "I even had a text from Robbins demanding to see me to talk about my love life. Dude, I spend too much time with women."
Ben laughed, "Look nothing you got going on is my business, but if you ever need to talk…"
"Yeah? People don't usually give me those kind of offers." Alex chuckled. "Probably because I'm not very peoplely," he muttered.
"Peoplely? Yeah you've been around Grey too long," Jackson smirked.
Alex nodded, "Yeah well I don't know if you noticed but I kinda suck dealing with almost everyone but Grey," he shrugged.
"You know we're playing cards tonight, us and Hunt," Ben shrugged, "You want in? You look like you could use a night away from all your problems."
"Yeah?" Alex asked.
Jackson shrugged, "Yeah man, you should come."
"Only rule is, whatever we talk about stays there," Ben nodded.
Alex shrugged as he looked down at his phone and groaned, "I think I can handle that but right now I have to go meet a woman in the staircase," looking at both men he frowned, "And no it's not what either of you are thinking."
Meredith was headed to the stair's when she saw Owen waving at her as he came out of the elevator, she let out a groan, today was not her day, but then again luck hadn't been hers in a few years at least.
"Hey, you doing okay?" He asked.
"Great, I'm great." She nodded. "Have you seen Amelia? She's dodging me."
"She was headed to surgery earlier," He shrugged. "Just give her some time, she'll come around."
Meredith sighed, "Except there's nothing for her to come around too." She frowned. "She's being crazy, and for the record I didn't do what she said I did, and even if I had did what she says I did, I wouldn't have been doing anything wrong, especially since she suggested it to begin with."
"Okay that's confusing." Owen laughed
"Nothing happened with Alex, nothing has ever happened with Alex. I had a dream about Derek and my sister and I went downstairs because I couldn't sleep and fell asleep there. That's it, that's all."
"You should tell her that."
"Well I would if she would stop running from me and would answer my calls," Meredith frowned. "But even if I had, it wouldn't have been a wrong thing to do, someday I might actually date, and if I do she has to deal with that, we all have to deal with that."
"I know." Owen nodded.
"She's being irrational and crazy, and acting like I committed some kind of crime. I did nothing wrong."
"I know that as well," Owen smiled.
"You do?" Meredith asked.
"Yes, and I told her that," he sighed, "Which is why she is now also mad at me," he laughed. "Just give her time, she'll come back to earth and you can talk."
"Well if you do see her, and she does speak to you, will you please tell her that whatever it is she's thinking is going on, isn't? Alex is my person, and at the point the only person left in this town that even gets me, actually he gets me more than Cristina now," she shrugged. "I know it's weird, we're weird, and it looks like something, but it's not, it's just us."
"If she decides to talk to me, I will tell her to talk to you," Owen laughed.
"That's all I ask," Meredith smiled. "Thank you Owen."
He found her pacing at the end of the first row of stairs, he watched as she paced, arms crossed, head low, and he frowned. The door slammed hard echoing and she looked up at him, glaring as he took the few steps down to meet her. Sometimes he wondered what it was about this woman that made him go to such great lengths, other times she just looked at him, and he knew. Lately however, he had been fighting….something, he couldn't put it into words really, and he was really hoping it wasn't what he was thinking, because, yeah, the awkwardness of that would just be too much.
"Can this day be over?" She asked as he bumped her shoulder with his and shook his head
"Funny, that's my thought everyday, " Alex smiled.
"People are annoying, now I know why you don't like them."
"They are all about feelings, and emotions and blah blah blah," Alex shrugged. "Whatever, who has time to deal with that."
"They suck, people suck."
He smirked, "Guess I don't have to ask how things are going?"
"Amelia is hiding from me, hiding! She's in surgery right now, but Owen said she's been avoiding me, it's crazy, I did nothing and I'm a bad guy."
"You're not a bad guy Mer," Alex groaned. "People just need to shut up and mind their own business."
"How's Jo?"
"She yelled at me, I yelled at her, she yelled louder and stormed out," he shrugged, "Pretty much the same as usual." He spoke resting against the railing, "I honestly don't care what any of these people think anyway."
"Right, because we did nothing wrong," She sighed resting her head against his shoulder.
"Even if we were messing around, or dating, or even freaking secretly married would it be anyone's business? We're adults, we're both single and we can do what we want. I'm over it Mer, seriously."
"Maggie believed me, that's something right?"
Alex sighed, "Yeah, but even if she didn't doesn't it matter?"
Meredith faced him and shrugged, "I don't know, I don't know what I care really."
"You shouldn't, because these people are all just as screwed up as we are. Who cares what any of them think Mer, each and every one of them are just as messed up as we are, doing things just as dumb as some of the stuff we've done. Let them think what they want, you could do a lot worse than dating me," he added with a side smile.
Meredith let out a laugh, "Oh yeah?"
"Ask any of the nurses in Peds, when I went back on market they all went crazy, a couple of them even baked me things Mer, baked." He laughed.
"This is the Evil Spawn I remember," Meredith grinned. "I don't miss him, by the way."
"I'm just saying, somewhere along the way I somehow became someone that people want to date. It's kinda nuts if you ask me."
"I don't think it's nuts at all," Meredith shrugged. "You've proved you can be in a long term relationship, you're amazing with kids, good looking, smart, sometimes you're even kind of funny, of course they want to date you."
"Good looking?" Alex asked.
"Shut up Karev."
"You think I'm hot right Mer?" He laughed.
"Yes Alex, I can't get enough of you." Meredith smirked.
"Wish I could say I'm surprised but, I've saw you watching me…" He spoke winking as she looked up at him
"I hate you." Meredith groaned.
"Liar." Alex smiled then stopped. Looking up at her he sighed, "You know if we ever did date, it'd probably work out." He spoke before he could stop himself.
He saw Meredith looked up at him quickly as a breath hitched in her throat. "Karev."
"I'm just saying, if it ever happened, why wouldn't it work." He shrugged. "Not that it would or anything."
"Because that would be crazy." Meredith spoke quickly.
"Yeah, insane," Alex nodded. "Hey, did I tell you I think I made friends today." He spoke changing the subject.
"You don't do friends," Meredith said looking at him.
"Well actually…" He began with a smirk.
"Shut it Karev."
"Just saying…. But Ben and Avery invited me to a poker game, I'm already wondering how I'm going to screw it up."
"Alex Karev just got in on men's night? Impressive," Meredith laughed. "And you won't screw it up, just don't make your annoyed faces, and don't roll your eyes if someone talks about their feelings, honestly, smile and nod a lot and you should be good." Meredith spoke.
"I think I can handle a poker game with a bunch of guys Mer."
Meredith nodded her head, "Guess it'll be a late night for you then huh?" She asked quietly.
Alex looked at the questions in her eyes and smirked, "Nah I have a full day tomorrow, but my door will be opened just in case," he spoke.
"I wasn't asking…" Meredith began then stopped.
"I know, I'm just saying." Alex shrugged.
He felt Meredith rest her hand on his and he took it in his and gave it a squeeze as she smiled, "Thanks Alex."
"That's what I'm here for." He smiled.
"Sometimes I wonder why you put up with me," Meredith smiled in returned.
"Because you're worth it." He shrugged, and the way Meredith's eyes lit up made Alex certain he meant every word he had just spoken. Crap, what was he getting himself into.
