Wow, definitely been a while! School and stress and everything has finally caught up to me and I've been away for most of the easter holiday. I hope I can get back to updating a bit more regularly but this fandom is dying and i think so is my soul with it;( I started re-re-rereading the books again so I started getting back into the series again!

This chapter will contain a lot of time skips (as in, hours) because I wanted to add lots of ideas into this chapter but they wouldn't make sense together without a skip, sO that hopefully explains the ridiculous amount of ***s ;)

Hope you enjoy, let me know what you think!

(H)(A)(P)(P)(Y) (E)(A)(S)(T)(E)(R) (!)

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Tobias POV

Her lips crash onto mine and I pull her closer than possible, wanting to savour as much of her as possible.
Soft hands travel up my shirt, slender fingers skim over the black ink hugging my skin. My own hands tangle in her soft hair and she pushes me slightly so that I fall onto the bed.
She straddles me and leans in to kiss me again, a smile playing on her lips.

"What are you laughing at?" I chuckle as we break apart.
She continues to smile and stares right into my eyes.
"I love you, Tobias. Don't ever forget."
I prop myself up on my elbows and look at her.
"I won't." I state, obviously, and caress her cheek.
She cups my hand and closes her eyes for a second.

"Be brave." She whispers as her blue orbs find mine.

And then she's gone. Her touch lingers on my body and her sweet scent of honey clings to my skin. I drop back onto the bed and cover my face with my hands.

It wasn't real.

My heart aches for her and my mind is restless.
I open my eyes, but I am not in my apartment anymore.
Instead, I lie on a lumpy mattress in the corner of a small room, maybe about three metres either way in size. I can only just stretch out my hands over my head.

I look around to jog my memory but nothing comes, until I remember Nita, and David.

A bright light enters the dark room and I squint my eyes to let them adjust properly.
In walks Nita, a tray of food in her hands and a smile on her face.

Not as beautiful as Tris'

"Wakey wakey" she says playfully. I ignore her.
"Why am I here?" I state bluntly.
Her smile fades and she places the tray on the floor next to me, taking a seat on the concrete floor.

"After fighting a war and saving people's lives, I'm rewarded with a bumpy car journey, cheap zip ties, and a lumpy mattress in your 'best' en-suite?" I roll my eyes and she lets out a chuckle.
"I'll let David know, but for now we had no other 'rooms' so we had to use this. Officially, you're supposed to be my 'prisoner'."
I raise my eyebrow and she shrugs.

My eyes trail to the food on the tray, only to be let down again.
"Really?" I scowl, as I hold up a soggy sandwich, more like a piece of bread with a slice of mouldy cheese in the middle. I fling it back onto the tray and wrinkle my nose.
She pushes herself off the floor and motions for me to follow her.
"You stay off David's radar and I'll take you to the cafeteria. Deal?"
I nod.
"Good." She says.

"What's the time?" I ask before I go anywhere
"5:20. Same day."
I nod my head and crawl out of the small enclosure.

***

The cafeteria is crowded, considering the amount of people that we only saw at the bureau when we were here. They must've let people in from all different places.

I look around and spot an empty table and make my way over, with Nita already ahead of me.
It takes me longer to get there though, the group of people makes the room feel small and I have to take heavy breaths as I move past everyone.
But as I push past some people, a person knocks into me, taking the breath out of my lungs.
I turn to look at them and I realise it's a she. All I register is a small frame and a head of blonde hair, and I freeze.

It can't be.

I shake my head and blink a few times.
"Sorry" she mumbles and quickly hurries past, her head held low.

That voice.

I turn to also apologize, but she's already disappeared past the group of people cluttered around the centre of the hall.
I push every thought out of my head as I sit down at the table. I will not be made a fool of, not here, not again.

"You okay? You look like you've just seen a ghost." Nita laughs as she plops down opposite me with some proper food stacked on two plates.
"Yeah.." I let out a small laugh that isn't mine, and worry about how much of that statement was actually correct.

***

The rest of my day is pretty boring. David came in about an hour ago to tell me he wants to see me tonight in his office.
I just waved him off and looked the other way, worried that if I make contact too much at him, I will most likely hurt him way beyond words.
Not that I would mind, but it wouldn't benefit me.
He already took everything I had and killing him would be like washing off the blood on his hands, an easy way out.

"So, what have you been up to in Chicago?" Nita starts as she sits down on my couch.
She talked to David as promised and he agreed to give me a proper room after much debate.
I couldn't care less, I would've had my way eventually anyways.

Nita came over as soon as I arrived. She said it was the least I could do. I just shrugged and said "whatever".

"Nothing much.." I mumble.
It's true. Ever since I've gone back to Chicago, everything feels empty. I started working in the government alongside Johanna, mostly because I can keep an eye out for trouble much more easily from there. And also because the long hours distract me from my personal life.

Sitting here with Nita may have been an unimaginable situation a few years ago. She tried to get in between me and Tris and she succeeded at one point. She persuaded me to join her "cause" and next thing I knew, I had killed Uriah.
I should be angry at her. Maybe even more than that. But I can't.
The grief from the past three years was overwhelming and knocked me down into a fragile person. I had to put all my feelings aside for the sake of my sanity and now, I'm just numb: I don't feel anything anymore and I'm far more careless. It's not like I have a purpose, anymore.

"FOUR" she yells, snapping me out of my thoughts.
The clock on the wall reads six forty. Nita's gaze follows mine and she jumps a little.

"I should go. I need to let you get ready. I'll see you at eight."
She gets up to leave, half expecting me to follow her, but I don't.
She lets out a small huff and closes the door behind herself.
I don't know what her game is, but if she thinks she's going to spark my interest, she's foolish for wasting her time.

I run a hand through my hair and rest my head onto the back of the couch. I let my body sink further and further into the soft leather as I try to forget the world around me.
I think of Tris, like always.
I was so certain it was her in the cafeteria that I almost had a breakdown. And even though I force myself to ignore all those thoughts, I can't push them out completely, no matter how hard I try.

Even this morning's dream felt so real that I keep imagining she'll walk through this door any minute and jump into my embrace.

I stretch out my arms behind my head and decide it's about time to start getting ready. For what, I have no clue.

***

I step out of the shower and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. No longer does a small, helpless boy stare back at me. Instead, one that had built walls to protect himself against everyone. One whose walls had been torn down, leaving him vulnerable. And even though there was no more safety, no more boundaries, he was strong, because of her.
A boy, no, man which destruction is evident on his face, the way his shoulders are slumped and his posture is hunched as if he is trying to cower back into his shell.

Nothing will heal me the same way she did.
People will tell me that I should've mended by now, but my wounds have only been stitched together, stitches that have struggled more and more to hold together as time went on.
My hand folds around the razor confidently as I begin to trim the stubble on my chin.

I think about cutting my hair, but I can't bring myself to do it. Out of nowhere, I realised why Tris had cut her hair. She wanted to be free from her past, to leave it behind and start again.
Maybe that's what I need.

I feel hot tears run down my cheeks and I grip the the edge of the cold sink, hanging my head. I breathe in strongly through my nose and let out the heavy breath.

Only memories of her laughing, smiling, being free, it tears me apart.

"Dammit Tris!" I yell. Fury seeps into my blood and my fist collides with the sink, managing to knock everything off it. The glass that held my toothbrush shatters beneath me, just like the picture of her.
I can't stop. This happens every time.
I sink to my knees as a sob wracks through my body.

Maybe she's free now. Maybe this was for the best.
She doesn't need a damaged man, one that carries the same blood as Marcus, who lets anger get the best of him. No, she doesn't deserve a man like me. She can do better.

I see blood on my hands from where I have cut myself and I press a towel to it. It doesn't help.
Luckily, the cut isn't as bad as the thrashing pain inside of me.

I just need Tris.
I need her here next to me. I need to feel her strength when I have none left.

Why did you leave me, Tris?

***
I meet Nita outside airport terminal three, as she instructed me. The white shirt I wear is beginning to itch everywhere and my blue jeans still startle me when I look at the vivid colour. In Chicago, most of myself wardrobe still consists mainly of black. It's hard trying to adjust to a new system when you've lived so long in a life that was so controlled and limited.

"Somebody looks nice" a female voice says, and I roll myself eyes and cross myself arms over myself chest irritatedly. I've been waiting here for so long already.
She eyes the bandages on my hands but avoids the question, I'm glad.
"I'm sorry to keep you waiting. David just had to...sort something out."

Right on queue, David waves me in and we both take our seat into some uncomfortable, plastic chairs.
"I feel like I'm in primary school again." I mutter, earning a giggle from Nita.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Just had something to take care of."
I scowl and look away from him.
I will hurt him.

"The reason I brought you here is simple." he looks straight at me, but he's not intimidating. I hold his stare till he breaks away.
"Our surveillance has been damaged." He spits out the words angrily. I lean back into my chair and cross my arms over me.
"Why do you care so much?" I ask simply, but cautiously.
"Because, important research into the purity of that city has to be acquired. We need more people to..."
"You need more people to what, kill them?" I scoff.

This isn't a safe path to take, but I have nothing more to lose.

"No, of course not. That would be a waste, wouldn't it?" A crease forms in the middle of his brows, but the smallest grin forms on his lips.
"Clearly not, according to your previous actions."
"She made a mistake!" He shouts, the calmness of the room suddenly disappearing. I can taste the venom in his voice.
"She chose to go into that lab. I warned her. She chose her fate."
"And did she choose to be shot too? Did she choose to have her home, family, friends wiped clean?" I stand up and press my hands on the wooden table. "What were you doing in there."

He looks around the room, searching for an answer.
"You knew someone was going to attack you. You think I'm stupid? What if it was Nita that entered? You wanted to kill her."
"Tris was a rebel." He grits his teeth together.
I feel all my self control slip away.
"She broke every single rule. She destroyed everything I had built. She deserved it."

She deserved it

Without a second thought, I lunge over the desk sending papers flying everywhere, and knock him to the ground. With his words still echoing in my head, I grab him by the throat forcefully and he claws at my hands, but I am stronger than him.

I think of what killing him would help with. It would just make me like him, just like Marcus.

Two guards both take one of my arms and pull me off him. It takes every inch of me not to struggle against them.
"You deserve to be dead."
He straightens out his blazer and smooths out his hair. He sickens me. He's just like Jeanine.

There are bright red finger marks on his neck and I grin, knowing that the damage I had inflicted upon him will remind him of the boundaries he should not cross.

"Take him to room 5." His voice is slightly raspy.
"We have a lot to get through tonight." He smiles bitterly.

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