Chapter 8: "Why?"

A lie that is half-truth is the darkest of all lies."
― Alfred Tennyson

"Ah, adhering to the strictest interpretation, not precisely, no," the Doctor replied reluctantly. There was no point in lying when clearly she'd already worked out the truth for herself, a truth he was almost as surprised about as she was. Given their crazy upside-down existence he'd always assumed it to be an occasion still in his future but in her long ago past. He'd never considered the possibility it would be something they'd do in sync, and so late in River's timeline.

"The ceremony on top of the pyramid?" River questioned.

"Even if it had been fully real, that time line no longer exists," the Doctor admitted. "The fact that we remember it is just an anomaly of close exposure to the time vortex."

"And yet, all this time, you let me refer to myself as the Doctor's wife," anger bled through now, the kind that was real and cut deep because it was accompanied by genuine hurt.

"Because you are my wife River, in every way that counts," the Doctor said earnestly. "Whether we shared a true ceremony that followed every custom of the Time Lords doesn't matter. It's always been about what we feel."

"It's only the fact that I know you believe that one hundred percent that's keeping me from smacking the crap out of you right now," River said grimly. She turned away, her shoulders tense. "Why?" her voice was rough and all at once the Doctor felt like crying himself. It was too much, upsetting her like this on top of the grief he still had churning away inside.

"Because of what happened today!" he shot out. "For us to marry in every sense of the word is for me to share information that will get you killed. Forgive me for not actively pursuing an event that would put that level of danger on you!"

River spun around to face him. "What information could possibly warrant so much caution?!" she shouted.

The Doctor thought back to when he'd tried to explain to Winston Churchill why it was so important for him to die. "Imagine an event so horrible that every aspect of life as we know it, everything that makes it miraculous and wonderful and special is just gone, never to be gotten back," he began. "If you knew that such an event would happen because of one man, and only one man, because of what he and he alone knew, what would you do?"

"Doctor," River protested.

"What would you do River?" he demanded harshly.

"Silence the man," she said reluctantly.

"Precisely," the Doctor congratulated bitterly. "The only way to ensure that event could never happen would be to get rid of the one person who had the knowledge to make it happen. Now suppose that two people had that knowledge instead of one. Is your answer any different?"

"No," River shook her head. "I know what you're referring to, what Madam Kovarian and the Silence believe, that you hold the answer to a question, that if asked at the right time and in the right place, will spell the destruction of everything. What I don't understand is why we're falling in with what they believe. Who's to say that's what it even means when they say that 'silence will fall when the question is answered'. It could just as easily mean something entirely different."

"You know as well as I do that it doesn't matter what we believe. It matters what other people believe because it's their beliefs that shape their actions, and right now their actions are all about removing you from life because they think you know something you don't!"

"Fine, then you might as well just tell me anyway, since I'm going to be killed one way or the other," River retorted.

The Doctor opened his mouth to speak, and then just as quickly closed it. "You're right," he said abruptly. He'd always wondered what would drive him to take so drastic a step, given the dangerous potential consequences they were now actively experiencing – it seemed today he was finding out. He almost trembled visibly because, really, did the universe hate him so much that it would force him to marry his already dead wife so close to the end for them both? He'd hoped that River at least had enjoyed years of marital bliss, as it were. With a sigh he resigned himself to a course of action he'd always both wanted and feared above all others.

"I am?" River seemed flabbergasted that he'd given in so easily.

"You always were far too smart for your own good Professor River Song." The Doctor smiled.

"You're deliberately trying to confuse me now, aren't you," River accused.

"On the contrary, I'm trying to bring some clarity to our upside down life," the Doctor replied. "I always knew it had to happen, although I must admit that recently I've seriously wondered if I was wrong, even though the evidence was there and impossible to misinterpret."

"If you don't stop talking in riddles I'm going to shoot you somewhere very painful," River warned.

"It's close to being a spoiler but we're so close to the same time point respectively I think we'll be okay," the Doctor mused. "I can't reveal the details of course but there is one event I've lived through that you've yet to experience. During that event you reveal that you know my name River."

She blinked, frowning. "Your name?"

"How much do you know about Gallifreyan history?" he asked.

"Quite a bit," River revealed. "The TARDIS gave me all the highlights when she taught me to access the Gallifreyan part of my DNA so that I could understand the language."

"So you know the significance of our names?"

"I know that the first Time Lords in particular, the ones in power, became more and more secular as time went on, more determined to maintain their privacy," River offered. "They made the language impossible to translate unless you were born of Gallifrey, and they buried much of the true history of your people."

"Our people River," he corrected intently. "When the cult of Pythia was overthrown, Pythia herself cursed our people to sterility. We would have disappeared from existence were it not for Rassilon. He created the great Looms, giving us the ability to weave new Gallifreyans by using extant genetic material. We truly are the product of our ancestors, more so than any other race. Our true Gallifreyan names are bestowed upon us at the point of creation – they come directly from the Loom and it's believed they represent our true selves, those the Loom most used in our creation. For that reason these names become secret, never to be spoken aloud, for to know someone's true nature is to have complete power over them."

"But you know your name, your true nature?" River queried, intrigued by the story as the Doctor told it.

"Of course I know my name but the truth of what it means is locked within my mind, just as it is for all Gallifreyans," he revealed. "It was the rule of Rassilon that no Gallifreyan should know from which others he or she came. What we achieve should be based on who we are now, not who and how many we were before. No one really knows what would happen if that knowledge was unlocked, what it might do to the person concerned."

"So keeping it a secret from everyone is what, protection?"

"Protection," the Doctor agreed simply. "Each time the name is acknowledged by the bearer there's a risk knowledge from the Loom will be unlocked. There are only two occasions when the risk is deemed justifiable. At the moment of creation, when it's bestowed, and when we take a life mate. There are no secrets between husband and wife and this includes the secret of our names."

"Oh," River sighed, clearly charmed by the romance of what the Doctor had revealed. "So on the pyramid, when you said you'd told me your name, that wasn't just a throwaway line to hide what you really revealed."

"If the ceremony had been real, I would have given you my name," the Doctor replied. "Now that you know the full truth, is that something you still want River?"

"According to what you've already experienced, I've already answered that question," River returned. "Yes, it's what I want."

"No, not because it's something that's already happened!" he shot back impatiently. "Right now River, with what you know, not what you believe will happen, do you want to be my wife in every sense of the word?"

"I want to know you as no one else does," River said simply. "I want there to be no secrets between us. Yes, I want to be your wife in every way that's possible."

"Very well," he agreed, taking a determined step towards her.

"Wait," she held up a hand, stopping him in his tracks. "What about you? You say one thing but do another – I know you wouldn't risk a paradox, even though you all but encouraged me to. What do you want Doctor ... the truth," she added, giving him a narrow eyed, warning kind of gaze that said somehow she'd know if he lied.

Their eyes met and he found that he couldn't look away, even though emotion was rising inside him like a tidal wave. He knew what she would see, his grief and the knowledge that he would lose her, but he couldn't stop it. "I want you to be safe," he ground out, his voice rough.

"And that's all?" she asked gently.

"No, that's not all," he almost yelled. "I want to go back and stop the Silence from taking you. I want you to have grown up an innocent child surrounded by the love of your parents and a host of siblings. I want you never to have met a man called the Doctor because then you'd have always been safe." He stopped, his breathing harsh in the silence.

"You love me," she said, the wonder full in her voice.

"Of course I love you!" He knew he sounded irritable, but really, how could she not know what had driven him practically since the moment he'd met her?

"There's no need to get angry my love," she said mildly. "Now, since it seems we're on the same page here, it's well past time, don't you think?"

"To get married?" he struggled to switch gears. "Now, you mean?" He'd been all set moments ago before she'd derailed him with her questions.

"No time like the present, isn't that what you always say?"

"Not always," he protested. "In fact, I'm fairly sure I've never said that."

"Doctor," River warned.

"All right, fine, right now, with no preparation or ceremony or any of that nonsense," he abruptly agreed. "Just don't blame me when your mother gets wind of this – I fully intend to tell her the rush was all your doing."

"Whatever makes you happy dear," River dismissed, smiling. "What do we need?"

"Nothing specific," the Doctor held out his hands, relaxing when River took them without hesitation. Her skin felt warm and soft but there was strength there, and confident purpose in the way she gripped him.

"We've done this before, communicated telepathically," he told her, tugging her closer until they were chest to chest and his breath was stirring the hair around her face. "All you need to do is let me into your thoughts. I'll do the rest. Ready?"

"I've been ready for years," she replied, smiling.

She closed her eyes and he stood there, drinking in the beauty and serenity of her features. It surprised him when her eyes shot open and those blue green orbs glared up at him. "Today, if you please," she urged impatiently.

"Oh, right, sorry," he apologised, flushing slightly. She smiled smugly and then closed her eyes again.

Closing his eyes too he leaned forward until his forehead was resting against River's. At first he just let himself sense her thoughts, like the branches of a tree. They had a central point but went off in many different directions, leading to other thoughts, other pathways. River's mind was as complex as she was – he could have spent hours appreciating that complexity, to know her completely, but it wasn't the time. What he needed to do was find a place within her mind where he could store the knowledge of his name but provide some protection for her as well. She had to be able to call up that knowledge when needed – he more than anyone knew the day would come when she would – but not be vulnerable to anyone with a modicum of telepathic ability who could just come along and steal it.

In the end he decided to construct a new pathway, locking it much as he imagined the knowledge of his true self was locked inside his own mind. From the core he built a new branch, extending it out further than all the others and planting many false offshoots. It was a complicated maze of alternative paths before he was done, the failsafe that would allow her to bypass everything for immediate access well hidden. At the centre he stopped, making a more active connection to River so that they could communicate.

"Do you feel what I've done?" he asked.

"I feel something new because I can feel you where you are, otherwise I wouldn't have known anything was different," River replied.

"Excellent," the Doctor sent her a burst of satisfaction, one he knew she'd feel in all those interesting womanly places.

"You tease," she accused, but with enough humour that he knew she'd loved it.

"I can't speak my name aloud, even within your mind River, but I can place the knowledge of it inside you."

"Does that mean I still won't know what it is?" River sounded disappointed.

"Before we leave this place inside your mind you'll be able to look for yourself," he promised her. "Once we do leave though the knowledge will be locked from you unless you have need of it. It's just to make sure you're not vulnerable to telepathic attack. In the future, when you have need of it, think of this moment and of this me, and the knowledge will be there for you to reveal. Okay?"

"Yes," River agreed.

"Here goes then," the Doctor steeled himself and then forged a special kind of link between his and River's mind. He'd only done so once before, so long now and so many incarnations ago that sometimes it seemed those times belonged to someone else. The locked part of his mind was connected to the same part he'd created inside River's – he felt the shift of information and resisted the temptation to look more closely within himself, learn more at one of the few times when he could, when Rassilon's restriction was at its weakest. When it was done he broke the connection, immersing himself fully in River's mind again.

"Now there you go, River Song, Melody Pond," he deliberately repeated the words from their pyramid ceremony. "You're the woman who married me."

"That's it?" River thought, surprised.

"You have my name, isn't that enough?"

"Of course it is," River replied quickly. "It's just that the last time you said we had to do the quick version."

"And now you're wondering what's in the long version?" the Doctor smiled. "River Song, always wanting to know everything."

"Is there a long version?" she asked, suspicious.

"If you're interested in Gallifreyan ceremonies, the more boring the better, then yes, there's a long version," the Doctor replied. "We've always done everything back to front River. If you find out what's involved and you still want to do it, then I'll play along. For now, wife, we're done. Are you ready to return to the TARDIS?"

"Do I get a wedding night?" River teased.

"A wedding night?" the Doctor repeated weakly.

"You have heard of one, right?" River was too amused at his embarrassment.

"Of course I have," he said indignantly.

"Well, we never had one the last time," River reminded him. "You've always held back and I have to say it's been trying waiting for our timelines to be in sync enough for intimacy to be an option. Now that we're truly married, don't you think it's time?"

"It's time," he agreed abruptly. It wasn't a secret that he desired her, even thought they'd done little more than dance around each other all the years since they'd met. Prior to coming to New York it had been one of his regrets, that he'd never had the nerve – never felt he truly had the right – to know River in the physical sense. It seemed he was getting more than one second chance that day.

Author's Note:

Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter - I appreciate your comments and interest in the story. For this chapter I've relied on the Doctor Who wiki, since I've never watched the original Doctor Who myself. I've taken a fair bit of license with Gallifreyan history/practices because one aspect of Doctor Who I was keen to explore in this story was why all the Time Lord true names are secret, why they go by titles like The Doctor and The Master. It might be something covered in the original Doctor Who series but I didn't find anything in my research - so this is AU really, as I've come up with my own reason! Lastly, I went 'short version' on a wedding here because I've already written a long version in my other Doctor Who story and I don't think I could write anything different or better than that. If you're interested, it's chapter 17 of The Doctor and the Shadows. Thanks for reading!