She should be the nervous one, Delphine thinks, watching Cosima's eyes dart around the waiting room as she clutches her hand. The room is painted a calm shade of grey, and set up in such a way to ease anxiety as television screens advertise various fertility treatments and services. It probably doesn't help, Delphine realizes looking around, that they are the only same-sex couple in the waiting room.
"Are you sure you want to do this...today?" Cosima mumbles under her breath.
"I am surging, Cosima, I will ovulate today, now...is the time." Delphine responds patiently, stroking her wife's hand. That Cosima had somehow managed to wait to panic until insemination day would never cease to surprise her.
Cosima throws out another inane question. "What if they fuck up the donor number?"
"They triple check it, with us." Delphine sighs. "It's thawing now. It's a little late to back out." It's not that she doesn't feel concern for Cosima, not even that she isn't anxious herself. But it is simply too late to cancel the insemination. Although she finds herself wondering if she is the selfish one now.
"I know." Cosima squirms in her seat some more. "It's only like a 20% chance of success, right?"
"Yes, that is the success rate per month under the age of 35." Delphine answers dryly.
"Delphine?" A nurse opens one of the doors, and beckons to her.
"Come on." Delphine stands, reaching behind her to grip Cosima's hand and pull her along. "You're coming with me."
Cosima, for her part, doesn't protest anyway. Instead her wife lets her pull her along, even managing a weak smile for the nurse.
She pulls Cosima into the treatment room, and once again is asked to verify the vial number, before the nurse steps out giving instructions to undress below the waist and climb onto the table.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" Cosima asks weakly as she's sliding her skinny jeans and panties down her legs.
"Yes." Delphine responds definitively. "I'm sorry, Cosima. But I am not cancelling an IUI the morning of." The guilt, oh she feels that. But it's not like she can back out now without the clinic thinking she's insane. Especially with how expensive frozen donor sperm can be.
"I know… I don't really expect you to. It probably won't even work." Cosima paces as Delphine settles herself under the paper sheet on the table, scooting down the end as she prepares to put her own legs in stirrups.
"All ready in here?" The nurse calls again. "My name is Audrey, I'll be doing your IUI today."
"Yes." Delphine responds as Cosima finally settles herself down the in chair.
"Cosima… hold my hand." Delphine demands softly, as the nurse readies the speculum for insertion.
"It'll be a bit uncomfortable." The nurse warns.
It's not an understatement, the speculum is uncomfortable and it takes a minute to locate her cervix.
Cosima sits silently, clutching at her hand, simply humming at the nurse when she directs a pleasant question towards the two of them.
The catheter burns slightly, but in seconds the IUI is done. As she expected it would be.
"And that's it!" Audrey announces happily. "So, you two sit tight for a while, think positively, and we're done." The nurse withdraws the speculum and the catheter, disposing of the latter, and setting the speculum aside for sterilization.
"That's it?" Cosima looks at them.
Delphine nods from her position on the exam table. "Yes."
"It is a very quick procedure, and hopefully you'll be mommies soon!" Audrey grins. "Delphine, stay laying down for at least fifteen minutes, and then the two of you are free to go."
The nurse steps out, leaving them alone. But Delphine doesn't move, doesn't release Cosima's hand. Though she now realizes Cosima's support in this is likely a farce. Had she simply been deluding herself into thinking Cosima wanted this to? Or… at least that Cosima wanted to be supportive of her desires? Is it naive to believe that Cosima would inevitably love any child she could give birth to?
Cosima breaks the silence, after a couple minutes. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I just had my cervix pinched by a speculum and a catheter pushed through it." Delphine sighs, reaching up to nudge Cosima's cheek with a smile.
"Does it hurt?"
"A little… I'll be fine. Risks of infection from IUI are very low." Delphine smiles again when Cosima leans her head down close.
"I know…" Cosima kisses her cheek, and then the corner of her mouth. The affection hasn't changed, at least.
"Hey… Je t'aime." She tries reassuring her wife. Unsure if it will work. Unsure if Cosima wants it to. Or if her wife is begging the universe for the opposite.
Delphine lays down when they arrive home, covering herself on the couch and reaching for the latest book she's reading.
"Are you feeling OK?" Cosima leans over.
"Fine. Bit… pinchy. But… I think that is from the speculum. It'll go away." Delphine sighs, trying to get lost in her book, lose herself in the narrative.
"So…" Cosima sits awkwardly beside her wife on the sliver of couch left for her.
"So?" Delphine throws back, she won't have their entire home consumed by this awkwardness.
"Do you think it will work?" Cosima gestures it out before leaning back.
"I don't know. We'll know in about two weeks." Delphine leans back into Cosima, reaching up a hand towards her wife's face, just so she knows she's not mad.
Cosima swallows, looking down at her for a moment, letting her own hand reach for her face, as it has so many time. "I love you."
She kisses Cosima's hand, the book temporarily forgotten. Perhaps, being held, is what they both need.
They have sort of settled back into normality, Cosima muses, whatever the hell that is for them anyway. Charlotte has her friend Kaylee over frequently, they browse Netflix and squeal and try to get Cosima to play board games with them. Delphine works, and does 80% of the cooking, and hasn't mentioned the IUI or the possible baby at all. Even a week later.
She's loading up the dishwasher, letting Delphine get some marking and some quiet upstairs while the girls play some sort of game in the living room. Whatever it is, Cosima thinks to herself, it won't get finished. The doorbell rings, and she quickly dries her hands to make her way to the door.
"Hi Cosima." Kaylee's mother smiles at her.
"Hey Maureen." Cosima waves, "I take it you're here for your daughter." Even knowing she looks young, she feels like a teenage next to Maureen who must be in her mid-forties.
"OK, Kaylee, your mom is here. Time to go home." Cosima calls from the door, watching the sandy-haired child leap to her feet, give Charlotte a hug and half-jog towards the door.
"Bye!" Charlotte smiles at her friend.
"We'll do this again soon." Maureen nods. "I'm thinking we should have Charlotte for a sleepover sometime soon. After school ends for the year."
"Sounds good to me." Cosima responds. A night without Charlotte, Cosima thinks to herself, would have definite advantages.
"Where's Delphine?" Charlotte looks around the ground floor of their house.
"She's marking stuff. You better get yourself ready for bed, it's a school night." Cosima reminds her little sister. "Come on, upstairs you go."
Charlotte climbs the stairs without protest, and within minutes she hears the shower go on. A sign that the girl has begun her bedtime routine which will no doubt end with more bedtime reading than recommended. Then again, had she really been that different herself?
Cosima finishes cleaning up the kitchen, letting out a sigh she climbs up the stairs after Charlotte. Taking a look towards her own little office, she considers working on her dissertation.
She manages an hour, pouring over her latest unfinished chapter and remarking that she can no longer locate two of the sources she cited. When she finally climbs up to the third floor extension, Delphine isn't at her desk. Instead she finds her wife passed out on the bed next to a laptop. Cosima closes Delphine's computer and returns it to her wife's desk.
With a grin, she strips down next to the bed, leaving her clothes on the floor, knowing that it'll annoy her poor wife half to death.
Cosima reaches over Delphine, grazing her fingers tenderly up her hip. She scoots in to begin enthusiastically kissing her wife's neck only to be met with an annoyed groan.
"Non…" Delphine gently swats her off.
"No?" Cosima finds herself balking for a moment. She could count on one hand the number of times Delphine had ever said no to her.
"I'm not in the mood." Delphine grumbles, "not now, mon amour."
"Really?" Cosima tries nibbling on her wife's ear, only to be met with a second swat.
"Just come to bed and cuddle." Delphine invites sleepily. "Come hold me."
It doesn't have to mean anything, Cosima tells herself. Delphine is probably just tired. It's been a long week.
