Chapter 8: Paradigm Shift (Two Lives)

"Most of us have two lives. But most of us don't realize the moment the next one begins."


Many times during that year she had thought of the Doctor's words. His last words, before she had used the vortex manipulator to escape to a world she no longer recognized."Use the Countdown, Martha. Use the network and use the countdown. And tell them about the Doctor."His last words were "Think of me…"

But the plan hadn't gotten this far.

Actually, as plans go…the Doctor hadn't given her much. For instance, a way to get around to all the major population centers of the world in less than a year would have been nice. Or an easy method to dispatch psycho metal spheres. That would have been downright useful.

Or how to deal with having an entire population slaughtered around you, and being the only one to walk away.

That wasn't in the plan.

And neither was how to get back to the Doctor.


"I…I remember everything."

At Martha's words the Doctor's chest clenches so hard his hearts seem to stop. So this is it, then. No way out. He backs way from her. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he says.

He gets to his feet, walks away from her and over to the main console. He is numb, his fingers flying across the controls by rote. Avoiding looking at her. Avoiding thinking.

"What are you doing?"

He doesn't say anything. Can't say anything. The words only barely register in his frozen state.

"Doctor, where are we going?"

He stands there, dimly aware of Martha laboriously getting to her feet behind him. Time has collapsed into a single moment, and he almost doesn't recognize the words coming out of his mouth. They are stripped of all emotion, ripped bare. "I'm taking you home."


Early on, she had realized she needed a way to make herself a danger to the Master. Dangerous enough that he couldn't ignore her. That he would want to find her. Find her and…

That was always the shakiest part of the plan.

She was counting on the Master to take her to the Doctor. Oh yes, he would take her to the Doctor. A voice in the back of her mind warned her that what might come after would probably not be a good thing.

But everything else was done. She had traveled…everywhere, it seemed. Told so many people, their faces blurring together. Now all she could do was wait for the countdown. And she was determined to be with the Doctor for that moment. Regardless of the consequences. Because if it didn't work…

So she went to see Professor Docherty. Told her all about the master plan, about the four pieces to the gun that had sent her all over the world. She did not tell the professor about the Doctor. She did tell her where she and Milligan would be staying that night.

And then the deed was done. And she had a long drive and a long walk to think about the consequences.


Martha walks over to the side of the main console. "Did you hear me? My memories are back," she says.

He knows what is coming now, what her next words will be, and it brings his movements to a halt. He tenses, waiting for the blow. But after a short time, all she says is, "Doctor? Say something."

He looks at her blankly, then says, "I was afraid of that." He knows it is the wrong thing to say but no other words come to mind.

The words stop her. On her face realization slowly dawns. He doesn't try to change the words, doesn't try to make it better. It is what he deserves. She looks away and when she turns back to him her face has lost some of its warmth. "You didn't want me to remember." It is not a question.

He can't meet her gaze, just slowly shakes his head.

"Why?"

A thousand responses rush past in his head. Because…if you didn't remember, it was like it never happened. I could pretend it never happened.

Because it was my fault.

In the end he says nothing.

But this is Martha Jones, and she won't take no for an answer. She must know what this is leading to, but she comes over to him and when she speaks her voice doesn't hold the condemnation he expected. Instead it is quiet and slightly tired. "Why, Doctor?"

And he knows he needs to face her. This, he owes her. "I…" He sighs heavily. "What's the last thing you remember?"

He forces himself to ask, then braces himself again.


She always forgot her fear when she was talking about the Doctor. Even after all this time, it was brilliant to be able to tell all these people about the man they owed so much. And talking about him, even in the dark and the dirt and the despair…

It was like he was there, for a little while.

But while she was talking, the Master arrived. And suddenly, she felt very much alone.

The people in the hovel reacted quickly, hiding her under some coats on the stairs. She doubted this would fool anyone.

No one argued to give her up, to give her over. At least not yet. The world over, people had risked their lives to try and keep hers safe. It amazed her and humbled her and kept her going each day. But she had also learned…

Not everyone would betray her. But anyone would.

Even though she had made it out of some very tight situations before…that wasn't the plan tonight. And even though this was what she had wanted, what she had hoped would happen…

She realized she was shaking.

But…the Doctor was out there, somewhere. So she slowly started to take off her key. It was time to stop running.


The Doctor notices the deep breath Martha takes before answering. Her face looks sick. "It was the day before the countdown," she says. "I was in a…work home, in London. And the Master…he had found me."

She trails off as though having trouble saying the next bit. He can't help it, he flinches. She looks at him strangely, then shrugs. "All I can remember is taking off my key. Then…" and the Doctor's heartbeats freeze on that word "…everything's blank."

He is hyper alert now. He isn't sure if he can believe her and studies her face closely, searching for signs of deception. But all that is there are shadowed eyes, still slightly haunted by the memory of that moment, eyes looking for comfort in his own. This is real. That is really all she can remember. He replays her words, searching to make sense of this. Then it hits.

He feels like a dead man pardoned. The relief is all-encompassing, overwhelming. "The key!" he says, smacking himself across the head. "Martha Jones, you are brilliant!"

She looks at him like he's grown another head. "What?"

"The key was the key," he says, the rush of endorphins making him giddy.

Martha clearly isn't following this Abbot and Costello routine and he rushes to explain. "The key shielded you from the effects of the psychic network, but it also partially shielded you from the effects of the paradox itself." He can't stand still, the relief making him want jump up and down. He settles for pacing back and forth in front of Martha, hands punctuating excited words.

"Cause it was a TARDIS key, wasn't it. And that key had a connection to the TARDIS itself. Which was, obviously, the center of the paradox. Oh, that's brilliant!" He clasps his hand on his head, struck that the answer has been staring him in the face this entire time. "When time reversed, the key's connection to the TARDIS protected your memory."

He looks thoughtfully at Martha. "Not as much as actually being on board the Valiant would have done, of course, which is why you had all these problems. Your memories were…hidden away, buried by the pressure of time reversing. It's taken this long for them to dig themselves out."

He grins at her expectantly.


It was a year of living with constant fear, dealing with constant loss, facing constant doubt and dread.

It made her realize what it felt like to be alone. To have people depend on you to save the world.

But she wasn't the Doctor.


She remains silent following his explanation. "Martha?" he says uneasily.

Her face is too still. She is looking at him like he is a stranger. Then she speaks, abruptly. "What happened after that?"

He struggles to hide the shock this question brings. "What?" he says.

She looks at him steadily. "After the Master found me. What happened?"

The fear is once again washing over him, but he forces himself to appear calm. "I don't know."

But she has caught on now, his Martha Jones, and those intelligent eyes are looking unwaveringly into his own. "I think you do," she says.

He attempts a response. "Martha, I told you…" He trails off helplessly as she walks away. From him.

Her head is bowed and her fists clenched. When she turns back there is a cold understanding in her face. "Why were you taking me home?"

He stumbles through an answer. "I…I thought you'd want to see your family, catch up on old times!"

She looks at him and she seems so weary. For a moment he thinks, hopes, she might give it up. But it seems she is only mustering up her courage for the harder questions. "Why did you look so afraid when I said my memories were back?"

It feels like there is a gaping hole being ripped into his stomach. "It was…it was a bit of a shock," he says, steeling his face from all expression. He doesn't know why he is trying, even now, to keep her away. As he looks at her, he thinks both of them know…

There is no going back.

Because Martha has twigged it, now. She places her hands on the console. "What don't you want me to remember?" she asks quietly.

He is frozen. He can't move.

"Before, too, when I told you about the Toclafane. You were scared, Doctor. Scared!" she says. "You were hiding something then too, weren't you?"

"No. No! I was—"

"And you were so sure they weren't my memories. Or was it that you didn't want them to be my memories?"

"Martha, I—" He finds he doesn't have the words.

Her voice is quiet now. "I noticed, you know. I noticed that you had changed. But I thought it was, oh, the Master's death and all the things that had happened during the year I couldn't remember. But it wasn't, was it? It was me." Her voice drops to a whisper. "What happened to me?"

There is a plea in her voice, something he very rarely hears. But to answer that question...she is asking too much. She looks at him and seems to sense what he is thinking. Her face hardens.

"Just now, you weren't surprised when I said the Master had captured me," she says. "But you should have been. You said you didn't know what happened to me. But the Master would have told you. That was the plan." The words rush out, without thought, as if Martha has repeated them many times before.

She stops, unshed tears in her eyes. "I was trying to get back to you," she says, almost to herself. Her voice is small. "What happened to me?"

He hesitates, then says, hating himself, "I don't—"

"Don't." Her voice is half-broken. "Don't lie to me. I went all over the world, Doctor. For you."

He is quiet then.

He knows he should get up, should leave, or even better, should pull that lever on the TARDIS that will take Martha back to where she belongs. Away from him. But he can't.

And she has just reminded him why he can't.

"What won't you tell me?"

Still he remains silent, but inside he is close to breaking. Because this is too much. He can't do it anymore. Always hiding, always pretending…

All the lies.

"What happened, Doctor?"

And this breaks him. His name. Because he has seen this in his nightmares, this look, these words. Every time he sleeps. Always crying out for an answer.

She shouts at him, "What is it, Doctor? What won't you tell me?" Days of confusion and hurt spilling out, her desperate words reverberating across the TARDIS.

And he can no longer remain silent.

"You died." His voice cracks.

These words are followed by a sudden, deathly silence.

"You died," he repeats, and he can feel his hearts shatter with each word, "and I couldn't stop it.

He is broken.

"I couldn't stop it…"


A/N: This is the idea that inspired this entire story. If you look back at previous chapters, this revelation has been foreshadowed quite heavily, both by the Doctor's words and his actions. Did anyone guess? Or was it a complete shock?