Ryan sat alone at a desk in his small studio apartment, staring down at the crumpled piece of paper he had been carrying around in his back pocket for nearly two weeks. It was summer now. The annual company picnic had come and gone, and Pam had announced that she was pregnant to the entire office. Kelly had been very quiet in the days since the announcement, offering only her congratulations and a brave smile before returning to her call list back in the annex. Only Ryan saw the emptiness in her eyes. He knew that, despite how much she tried to hide it, she still wanted all those old things with him. She wanted the marriage, the kids, the dog, the picket fence. He wanted to be able to give her all that this time around, but there was something he had to do first. There were a lot of things he had to do, really. However, it had to start with this.
I made a list of all the persons I have harmed and am willing to make amends to them all.
Kelly's name was at the top of the list with a bulleted list of everything he had ever done to her, both in the midst of his addiction and in the days before and since. There were the one-night stands with college girls he met at the bar near his old apartment. There were lies he had told to get out of seeing her when he wasn't sure that he was going to get some. There were the nights he never called her back and the dinners with her family that he missed and the angry words he had tossed carelessly her way when they fought. There were the moments he had purposely stolen her happiness and those when he had denied her the very same thing. There were the times he had used her, the times he had ignored her, the times he had lied to her, the times he hadn't really loved her.
Just below Kelly's name, he had printed his parents on the same line. Although they were all three equally to blame in the shattered relationship between them, Ryan knew that he had to be the first one to make a move. He had to apologize for holding everything against them and refusing to grow past the awful childhood relationships they had given him. It wasn't doing anyone any good to continue to dwell on it. He had put them through hell over the past year, disappearing without word and refusing to see them whenever his mother managed to track him down. They deserved to hear a genuine apology, a promise that they would find a way to start over. He had to make amends because that was the only family he was ever going to get. It was just time to begin again.
Nearly everyone else in the office had made the list in some way. He needed to apologize to Jan for all the ways he had intentionally been manipulative to her after she lost her job and he took over in New York. David deserved an apology for all the douche moves that Ryan had pulled while he was at corporate. Toby had had to witness every fight he'd had with Kelly in the office and had often been pulled in the middle. Meredith had heard more than one sad story over shots of tequila at Poor Richard's, and Phyllis had been there to console him when he had first came back to Dunder Mifflin as the receptionist last fall. No one knew how much the older woman had listened to him when he had tried to come up with a plan to get Kelly back. There were the rude comments he had said about Oscar, the passive aggressive way he dealt with Andy, the joints he had lifted from Creed's desk when he wasn't looking. Ryan had also returned to Schrute Farms to take a few things of the herbal nature, even though it pretty much sucked. He should probably also apologize to Dwight for that whole Drug Testing fiasco a few years ago. It was just another one of Ryan's messes.
Perhaps more than any of his co-workers, other than Kelly and Michael, Ryan needed to apologize to Jim and Pam. When he had left Scranton the first time, it had been Pam that had helped Kelly pick up the pieces and move on. Only months later did Ryan know all the nights his ex-girlfriend had spent at the receptionist's apartment, sobbing on the couch while Pam consoled her. She had been the person that Ryan should have been for Kelly, and how had he repaid her? He had gotten her hopes up about some graphic design project in a stupid and vain attempt to hit on her. He'd found himself so impressive that he thought his status would be enough to pull her in. Ryan had seen himself as untouchable then, and it was a very humbling thing to see her choose some "lowly" salesman like Jim when she could have a self-professed wunderkind.
Along with his concessions to Pam, Ryan knew that he would have to find a way to apologize to Jim. There had always been tension in their relationship, a primal struggle for both of them to declare their dominance in the office hierarchy. Ryan knew that he had only walked away with the New York gig because Jim had taken himself out of the running to be with Pam. He had thought that he was unbeatable at the time, but he knew in retrospect that Jim was the far better candidate. Instead of having enough grace to recognize that, Ryan had wielded his power to put Jim in an awkward position. He had tried even harder to make that point when Pam had rejected Jim. All of that had come to a head when Ryan had been arrested. He had heard the voicemails a few weeks later. Kelly had brought his cell phone to the jail in her best Juicy tracksuit.
And finally, at the bottom of the list, was actually the apology that would be the easiest to make but probably needed to be said nearly the most. Other than Kelly and his parents, no one had believed in Ryan more than Michael. It was hard to deal with the man sometimes, even now in his sobriety when he knew how lucky he was to have the devotion of Michael. It could be creepy the way that Michael looked at him. That might never go away. However, Ryan knew that he didn't deserve that kind of blind faith anymore than he deserved Kelly's love or his parents' forgiveness or Phyllis' kindness. These were just things he had been given.
"Hey, Ry, I brought dinner!" Kelly called as she came into his kitchen. He heard her drop her set of keys on the counter as she found her way through the dark apartment to the small corner where he'd set up his office. She was still dressed in the dark red dress she had worn to work today, only her hair was loose around her shoulders instead of back in a tight chignon. "I hope you are hungry for curry. My mom made way too much for dinner tonight, so I snagged you some."
"It sounds perfect, Kel," he said as he smiled up at her. "I just finished making my amends list. I'm going to take it to the meeting tomorrow night. It's really hard to look at a list of everything you have ever done to hurt someone. I still find it hard to believe that was the person I had become."
She came over and settled into his lap behind the desk, turning so that she was facing him. Kelly loved this version of Ryan even more than the cocky business student who had showed up that first day at Dunder Mifflin with bright blue eyes and a cheap suit from a discount mens store. This was someone who had been to hell and back. He was still conflicted and tortured, but he was actually optimistic for the first time in his life. She had no idea how appealing a truly radiant smile could be until one lit up his face every time he saw her now.
"You did a lot of really screwed up things, we both know that, but you're ready to say that you're sorry and put them behind you. You might not get all the forgiveness that you want or think that you deserve," she warned him. "That has to be okay. People get to choose how they feel about this and about you. You just have to be honest and genuine. That's your only job here. If they forgive you, that's great. If not, we'll find a way for you to deal with that, too."
Ryan wanted to tell her that as long as she could forgive him for everything, he could deal with whatever anyone else said. However, he was just as afraid to make amends with her as he was with anyone else. There were a lot of really screwed-up things he was going to have to apologize for. She was going to know the full extent of how badly he had hurt and betrayed her. Like tiny bomb explosions one after another, he was going to slowly reveal everything he had knowingly and unknowingly put her through. That was a scary reality to face.
"Kel, what are you doing one year from today?"
She raised her eyebrow at him like he was crazy. She could barely plan a week ahead, let alone figure out what she was going to be doing a year from now. "I don't know," she shrugged. "Is that a weekend or something?"
He laughed at her casual candor. "I'm not really sure, actually," he admitted before reaching for the calendar sitting open on his desk. He flipped to the back page and looked at the same day a year later. "It's a Thursday. If we had thought about it, I guess we could have figured it out. It is Wednesday right now."
"Um, yeah, anyhow," she rolled her eyes. That wasn't really the point. "Why are you asking, Ry?"
He reached around her and pulled something out of the top drawer of his desk. His sponsor had advised him against this, told him that it was moving too fast. Ryan had told him after wasting the last two years, it wasn't nearly fast enough. "One year from today, on a random Thursday afternoon, will you let me make your dreams come true?"
Kelly looked at the modest diamond ring Ryan was sliding on her left index finger. It didn't seem real. It wasn't at all like she had planned it. There hadn't been a conversation with her dad. There wasn't a crowd of people to offer their roaring round of applause in congratulations. The ring wasn't hidden in the bottom of a champagne flute or atop a piece of chocolate mousse cake. She wasn't dressed in her best outfit. No music was playing. It was far from the scene she had always dreamed about in her mind, but it was its own kind of perfect.
She lifted the ring to watch it glimmer in the pale light of the lamp on his desk. "Only if you are there to live them with me," she finally answered, her eyes locking with his. Ryan nodded silently before lunging forward to capture her mouth. It wasn't like him, completely out of character. He knew it and she knew it. "Are you sure that this is what you want?"
"All I have ever wanted since you showed up in my motel room in Florida was for us to get to this place," he confessed as she pressed her forehead into neck. He could feel her trembling in tears against him. "I know I'm an ass sometimes, but I'm trying so hard here."
"But I love that ass," she teased, a small smile finally gracing her ruby lips. "I love you, Ryan."
"I know this is fast."
"We have too much history for this to be considered fast."
"And I have to talk to your parents..."
"You do," she agreed, "but it doesn't matter what they say. I'm still going to marry you."
"We'll have to tell my parents."
"And Michael," she added. "He's going to be really disappointed."
Ryan couldn't help but chuckle at her insinuation about Michael's odd crush on him. "You better be nice or I will find a way to work him into the wedding party," he threatened lightly. "You know that he is just going to be dying to be the best man."
"Ryan Bailey Howard, you wouldn't!"
"Oh, I so would!"
